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Christie, thank you very much for your kind words. No matter what, I think we are all afraid of being alone. But at any age being transgender and learning what you individually want to do about it is darned hard. Thank goodness we have TG Guide to hang out in! Hey Veronica, back atcha girlfriend. To me the concept of passing is so weird. When I'm home, maybe just wearing a dress and doing the dishes (or writing here), all I know is that I feel good, I feel right. My hair is short, I have a 5 o'clock shadow, but what do I care? I only see myself when I walk past a mirror, and I try to avoid those... :-) Thanks a lot for your best wishes. I'm looking forward to it! Emma

First, if any of you haven't heard the Junior Vaquez remix of Whitney Houston's "Step by Step" - you should check it out This has been a productive week in terms of coming out for me. I've now told all of my closest friends (in person or in writing) that I am transgender. In most cases it wasn't a surprise to them, and the support has been universal. My favorite light-hearted response was from my friend Chris (who is my closest friend among the group) who said "Woo hoo! Does that mean I'm hip?" (he does magic, so I leave it to each of you to decide if it's possible for him to be "hip"). The most substantive positive response was "This is celebratory news. Please let me know how I can be a friend/supporter/ally/whatever you need. I know there's lots swirling around, and if you need to chat/bounce things off anyone, you've got an ear and a hug in me;) Truly. Thanks for sharing, and as you continue, please let me know how best to support. There are lots of feelings around pronouns/language. I'm adaptable to whatever works for you. I love you as the person you are and am grateful we are friends." Followed by an offer to start calling me "Christie" if I wanted (I don't do that in my day-to-day life yet, I don't feel like my external presentation matches that - but the fact that it's now come up probably means it will happen soon, at least in my personal life). I've also told both of my supervisors at work, and a co-worker with whom I'm fairly close (and found out from her that another person was picking up some hints already - and was positive about it, which was very good considering she is over my 2 direct supervisors). On the personal side, productivity came in the form of not trying to figure out "an answer" - my initial reaction (to many things) is to think that if I just think about it for awhile, and ask the right questions, I can come up with an answer right away. Well that's not going to happen here, the only way I'm giong to find an "answer" is to keep taking steps until I reach whatever destination is out there for me (or not, there might not really be a destination - as I write this I realize there probably isn't!). So my approach now is to just look for steps that I can take - take them - see if they feel comfortable - then take another step - repeat... There was a negative event at work, but one that lead to positive. I overheard several students (overheard is an overstatement, they were talking loud enough that one could think they were trying to talk to me from a distance), they were joking about the idea of a male (I couldn't tell who they were talking about beyond that) wearing a dress to a student event that night. It wasn't something I could directly address (I'm staff at the school), but I did mention it to my boss, who apparently brought it up with her boss (the one I mentioned earlier), who suggested that they should probably incorporate sensitivity training into student orientation (and I believe she's sincere, she's not the type to just talk about it). So that was good - but the really good part is that it inspired me to try to take more steps to be out at work. It would be inappropriate for me to address the students directly about the issue, but if they ultimately get the point that I am TG it might make them think more about what they're saying. Well, that's all for now - oh, tonight I'm telling my sister, first family member... xoxo Christie

Below is an email I sent to my therapist this morning in preparation for our couples meeting with my wife tomorrow evening. Names have been redacted or changed to protect the innocent. I imagine and hope we will have a great meeting tomorrow. Our therapist is remarkable how he helps us learn how to communicate better and, together, my wife and I are working through the scary assumptions and worries about what it means for me to realize I am transgender. As of this post it's been about seven months since coming out to my wife. It's been tough sledding especially early on but maybe we've progressed to a point where both of us will get our needs met and we'll remain happily together. I sure hope so. Hi Andrew, I have gender dysphoria. It's been hard for me to admit and accept but really, there's no denying it. There is no “cure,” no “fix.” Last night I read the WPATH Standards of Care (SoC). Didn't really learn much except that it's good to see, in one place, a comprehensive and professional look at what it is and recommendations on treatments for both MtF and FtM people. The dysphoria may be mitigated via a range of treatments/strategies such as: • Therapy • Occasional dressing, either in public or private • Living part- or full-time as the other gender • “Transition” o Hormones o Surgery Let’s start from the transition end of the spectrum. In my heart I know I wish I had been born and raised female. And maybe if I was in my teens or twenties now I would avail myself of the increased public acceptance of transgender people, perhaps living more openly and even considering transition. But at this stage of my life it doesn’t feel right – if it ever would have. Now, even with full hormones, surgeries (there would be several, for sure), and complete “passing” as a woman, I would still at heart be me. I can imagine myself on this treadmill of trying to achieve one more step toward being female but never achieving the unknowable, while also likely losing the one person who is most important to me in my life, Marie. Marie and I have been very close these last few days. Although we haven’t broached the “transgender subjects” at all my sense is that we’re coming to some level of acceptance. A couple of days ago she suggested that perhaps this Sunday I could return to living/sleeping in the master bedroom with her. I imagine that will be a topic for our couples meeting with you tomorrow evening. She and I have also talked about what we might do as early as a year from now, when the lease on her shop expires. Perhaps then we will pack up our house, rent it out, and move to Europe for a year or more. This has been a dream of ours for years. Thus, my returning to the master bedroom is a microcosm for our working out how we will live together as we move forward, traveling or even just at home when both of us are together all the time under the same roof. As I said at the start of this I do have gender concerns and I need to deal with them on some level (which is sill being determined). I think we need to bring this out in the open with Marie. I think a place to begin is with the term “crossdressing.” On previous occasions she has expressed her dismay and disapproval. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I would appear pretty odd to her when dressed in anything feminine. But given my gender dysphoria, why is it appropriate to label my dressing, either in bed, under my clothing, or even at some level of completeness (e.g., a dress with stockings, shoes, etc.), “crossdressing” at all? Am I not being (more) true to myself and that that is valid in its own right? For example, these days I am always wearing a nightgown and panties to sleep in. It feels good, right, comfortable. It eases my dysphoria, makes me feel better. It’s not erotic at all. I imagine all this will take some getting used to for both of us. But I think it’s an important bridge to cross for both Marie and me. But it's definitely a scary one. Hard for me to put myself out there in this way. I'm afraid of vulnerability, of being re-shunned, of Marie's being hurt, of being presented with still more unanswerable questions. Emma Photo: We were on a boat in South Africa, on a river in a place called Viljoensdrift. Just a pastoral setting, having a glass of local wine, watching the river bank drift by. Heavenly.

Veronica, You are 100% a lady RIGHT NOW. There are some cisgender women (like me!) who don't pass. I know you are a lady by the way you write, and I know I am a lady. Have to prove NOTHING to NO ONE. Monica

Emma, That's very thoughtful and detailed! I can't imagine what it's like being in a relationship going through this, it's quite difficult enough being single. I guess I have the flip-side issue, not knowing what kind of relationship I'll end up wanting, or knowing if I'll ever know for sure (I thought of that when you wrote I can imagine myself on this treadmill of trying to achieve one more step toward being female but never achieving the unknowable). I hope it goes well tomorrow! xoxo Christie

Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand. I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs. The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced. Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety. I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe. For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do... I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community. The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor. I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society. Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.

Over the past year I have been sharing my journey which hopefully was of some use but now I am need of concentrating on another aspect of my life with requires a good deal of attention so during the next few weeks will be limiting my time here and will stop visiting here shortly. Hopefully I can make it back here in the future. For those interested I will be keeping up from time to time on my WordPress blog. Lastly, it has been wonderful getting to know people here. Best wishes for those on their journeys!!!

That's an interesting discussion point you raise. If I may chime in- I don't feel like a 'woman' either. I feel like me. I am a transgender woman. I don’t really think anyone actually feels like a ‘woman’, they just feel like them. In honesty, if I had the choice to be born female I don't know that I would: I actually quite like me the way that I am. Weird, right? It took a little while, but I'm a lot happier with my body and appearance now. I've not had surgery, but (lucky genetics?) I had quite soft facial features to start with. Basically the only things I've done are hormones, eaten lots to put on weight and had electrolysis. There is no gold standard. There's no minimum bar that you must be able to limbo under. I'm actually quite jealous of people who have had reassignment surgery... but not enough to really do it myself. I'd like larger breasts, but mine are presentable. It's about being comfortable being you, and being you takes time and exploration. Sincerely I apologise for talking about 'me' when I'm trying to make a more general point, I'm just my only point of reference : ( It seems that partly we spend huge amounts of time in our own heads. It's totally understandable, we have a lot to think about and naturally we fret about what the people around us will think. The bizarre reality seems to be, at least in the UK, that nobody honestly gives a flying flip. Genuinely. I've had occasional looks, but in honesty not for months. The only difference is that I'm better practiced dressing for my style and more confident. Nobody outside really gives a tinker's cuss one way or the other- they're wrapped up in their own heads, with their own problems. The same is true at work. I transitioned in my last job and everyone was nothing but supportive. Most people are pretty good natured. Now the caveat to that is those close to us. That's the real kick in the teeth. The ones who should support us most are (in my opinion) the most likely to do the most damage. They're more invested in us, you see. They have put much more of themselves into 'us' as they believe us to be, so when we turn around and show them who we really were all along they can't see the butterfly, they just miss the caterpillar and may be resentful of all the personal energy they put into knowing it. In order to be you, you need time and space. No, not like that. I know you're thinking about Sci Fi. You need the room to see how you want to evolve and you need the time to experiment with those evolutions. I went though a heavy goth phase as part of my transition, then dressing like a tramp, and now I'm just 'normal'. Those phases were very important, because it helped me learn what I liked, what I didn't like, what suited me, what made me happy. When I started, I was desperate for surgery. I wanted it yesterday. If my soul had been he asking price then you wouldn't have seen it but for the blur as I handed it over. Room and time. Now I'm not so fussed. I might actually prefer to use that money for a house deposit, or a car, or a monkey (and a hat for the monkey), or a beagle that I can name Smeagol. There are only two constraints to room and time. One is us, and our concern about upsetting people, going beyond the pale etc. and the other is those close to us. They're smallest reactions make much greater ripples than the overreactions of acquaintances. So, Emma. To be Emma you must know what it means to be Emma. To do that you need to try the stuff you want to try, and don't worry about protecting others by limiting yourself. You need to try, fail, learn and try some more. Maybe skirts won’t suit you, maybe they will. Maybe crossdressing in private will be enough, maybe it won’t. Maybe you will end up making it happen and doing the whole damned lot of facial surgery, reassignment surgery, breast augmentation, hormones, hair removal. Maybe your beloved will be sincerely happy that she now knows the real you. Maybe she’ll love you more. Maybe she won’t. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Ultimately whatever you do, it’s likely be the same as what everyone else does. We muddle along. We don’t know the outcomes and can’t see the future: we just sort of burble through it and try for the best. See if you can find a muddle-y way to experiment with your identity (clothes and makeup are only a part of it but they do help, given our society’s deeply ingrained gender roles). Muddling is all we can do. But trust me on the beagle, I will make that mofo happen. Sorry for the patronising garbage. I drew a picture to make it better:

"...these days I am always wearing a nightgown and panties to sleep in. It feels good, right, comfortable. It eases my dysphoria, makes me feel better. It’s not erotic at all." Is it at all possible that somewhere in the back of "Marie's" mind, festers implanted misconceptions she's learned, picked up, heard, or been told in the past about crossdressers? And if so, if she was to learn and be able to allow reality to over-write all the bad she's heard, maybe she could be more supportive? "On previous occasions she has expressed her dismay and disapproval. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I would appear pretty odd to her when dressed in anything feminine." I've found that those who are in total support, and accept me as I am, have no issue with how I present myself. A good example would be my brother. He knows I wear a binder, he knows I pack, and he knows my packer doubles as a "stand-to-pee," but he treats me no different than he ever has. My Mum, on the other hand, does not particularly care for the way I dress, she has issue with my hair, and I think she has wondered what's up with my chest. She's not really one to bite her tongue, so I'm not quite sure why she's not asked me what up, except that perhaps she doesn't want to hear what she doesn't wanna hear. __________________________________________________ LOL... you worked that word 'redacted' in there. You go, girl!! -Mikey

Lisa, I'm definitely taking a "one step at a time" approach - although earlier I was in more of a "I want an answer now!" state of mind. Now I'm just challenging myself to take the next step and see how it feels, and see if it makes me want to take another step after that. At some point I'll reach a place where I'm comfortable and don't need or want to take another step - who knows where that will be though! xoxo Christie

Good morning everyone! My desire to go tech-free this weekend didn't work out so well, but I reduced my usage substantially, which was nice. I just wanted to get an entry out to start my week with some random things from this past weekend. Saturday night I "pushed myself" a little. I was going to see a drag show (Jackie Beat, my all time favorite drag queen!) and decided it was the perfect opportunity to gender-bend in terms of my presentation. I wore a grey woman's t-shirt from Kohl's (says "Bloom where you're planted"), black Jennifer Lopez pants (with bedazzling of sorts), pink & black tennis shoes, a pink hoodie, and of course my favorite JLo bag. A touch of mascara as well - I had wanted to do my nails but forgot about it until shortly before I had to leave, so I had to abandon that. Being at the show I knew would be a "safe" environment, it is a drag show after all. The greatest danger was that somehow I would draw her attention and she'd "target" me during one of her audience interaction periods. She didn't. (I'm a little disappointed by that.) The bigger challenge was getting there. I live in Jersey City, so I had to get to the PATH train, and then walk through Times Square to get to the show. Any anxiety about how I looked faded once I was in Times Square, replaced by the anxiety that I always have just by being there. Fast forward to Sunday night. I was watching "The Music in Me" on UPTV, featuring Debbie Gibson. If I haven't mentioned this before, I love Debbie! (The "G" that I use as my last initial is in homage to her.) It was a little cheesy, but fun. And Debbie was live-tweeting during the show. There were a couple of times that she replied to one of my tweets - that was a weird experience, here I am watching her on TV and meanwhile having a twitter chat with her. I kinda like Twitter. She debuted a new song called "Promises" in the movie. It's about the importance of making and keeping promises, especially the ones we make to ourselves. I've recently been pretty goal-oriented (accomplishment is another question), but that prompted me to think in terms of making a promise to myself, rather than just setting goals. The promise I made to myself last night was "I promise to care about me." I think if I can sincerely keep this promise the other goals I have will fall into place, or it won't matter as much if they don't. (And obviously I don't mean to care about me to the exclusion of others! I think in fact that it's vital to care about yourself in order to care about other people.) My final take-away from the weekend is again about Debbie Gibson. I recently took a solo show class in which over the course of 7 weeks I wrote and prepared to perform a 6-minute solo show piece about my first experience of doing drag. We then had a class show. Early in the piece I refer to a signed picture of Debbie Gibson that says "Dear Christie, Luv ya sista! xo Debbie" - and then I refer to her as my "femme role model." First, I really do have that picture. Second, I don't think I realized even then how she really is my femme role model - I thought last night that she is the woman I want to be. Not that I want to be her, I don't want to be another person, I want to be myself. But I want to emulate the things about her that make me love her so much. Mainly that she knows what she loves doing and she does it. Her music career is obviously not what it was in the late 80s/early 90s, but she's still doing it! And she is an endless happy, positive person! (she wouldn't even trash Donald Trump after she got screwed on Celebrity Apprentice! Ok, I have to work on the "positive" part). That's all I have for now - love to everyone! Christie

Best wishes, Karen, and good luck with the new language! :)

Karen, We understand and look forward to your return! Monica

I will not be gone for good but will need time to devote to my work as we are (here we go) transitioning to a different programming language at work. One of my things is to self-train and by visiting here (which I have been doing often) I get off track. I am going to first try only visiting here no more than once or twice a day to see how that goes.

Karen, Best of luck in your other ventures! I've enjoyed reading your posts and have learned a lot from you (and I plan to keep working backwards and reading more). xoxo Christie

Best wishes and happy travels, Karen. It's been a pleasure getting to know you too. Emma

The book basically confirmed for me that I needed to transition. Those sections that you mentioned were the deciding factor for me. I am glad it helped you as well. Always remember that this is your life and your journey. The decision to start transition, for me, really was and has been a "last option". If you do decide to do anything, think about what you want and need and don't let others pressure you in anything. This is about you and your needs. Not some standard or strict definition of gender.