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I just made an appointment for electrolysis - yay! The part that hurt the most was that she said I'd need to let the hair grow out a little (she said enough so that she can get it with a tweezer). For me that will take a couple of days, I hate that idea but I guess it's worthwhile for the ultimate gain (or loss). Also contacted my doctor for a referral for an endocronologist (not sure how you spell that) - another yay! Have done both of those things I'm trying to read my feelings - at first it was pure fear, which raises doubt, but now I realize it's mostly excitement (some fear, but it's about money and whether I can afford all of this)

Christie, That sounds great. Good for you. Getting started is part of the battle! Lisa

I had my followup appointment today after my bloodwork on April 29th, which was to confirm my potassium and electrolyte levels were not being adversely affected by the spironolactone. Everything was normal. The doctor asked me if I was still going to a therapist and I said that I was, tomorrow. We also talked more about my plans. I told him that I was not out at work yet, that it would take a while. That my wife was taking it hard but that she supports me (to an extent). I told him that I wanted to wait one or two years to transition because I wanted to give the hormones time. He said that I am to come back in three months for blood work and then he would prescribe finasteride to see how much it will help me, but that he wanted to wait until then. I said thank you and scheduled my two follow up appointments at the desk. As I left and went into the lobby, I was happy and excited. As I walked out the door, into the cool, dry spring air, I felt a sudden flood of emotions come over me and tears came to my eyes. After all these years of internal struggle, total hell, it is finally over. I am finally taking care of this problem and confronting it head on. It is amazing that I made it to this point. Since I was in elementary school, I thought about transition, living an authentic life. But it just wasn't in the cards for me. There were too many barriers, too many forces fighting against me. Mostly, I thought that I needed to give it a chance. To live as a man. I might like it, adapt to it in a way where I could lose myself, forget who I was. Months went by, then years: college, marriage, graduate school, business, two children (and now a dog!). All of these things and people in my life are wonderful blessings. I will cherish each moment of my life and the roles that I fill and have filled. That will not change. I will miss male privilege, lose some friends, gain some others. This is and will be so painful for those who do not question gender, because the binary definition of gender is so rigid, accepted, engrained in everything and so well understood that it is not to be questioned. It is the primary way that we present and are defined by society. So, changing gender, especially if I decided not to conform to a binary definition of gender, is like throwing a stick of dynamite into a nuclear reactor. The chain reaction cannot be controlled or contained, lol. So, that was one of the things that I said to the doctor today, that there will be those who cannot accept this, accept me or what I am doing. There will be things that will happen that will be hurtful and upsetting. But I cannot control these things or people. I can only move forward and live my life the way it needs to be lived. Do I have plans? Yes. But they are somewhat foggy and are subject to circumstance? Yes. Do I know what surgeries I am going to have? No. I am not going to let others dictate my life and I am not going to get worked up if something doesn't work out or I didn't do something by the book. I will drive my schedule, but will not be driven by it. It will be fluid, subject to change and circumstance, not dictated by others. I am too old, ragged and worn out to get worked up by the things in life that don't work out. I am going to "ENJOY" this journey and not be upset, stressed out or God forbid ashamed by it. This road traveled has a lot of miles to it. I have tried everything but now it is time. It is my time. I hope that everyone has had a wonderful day. Love and Blessings to everyone! --Lisa

Well first off, I'd like to start out with 'WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE GUIDE?!" Although some change is good, I've found it a little difficult to navigate the site and find my things and whatnot.....not 100% I'm a fan of this new set up....I'm not even sure if I'm blogging in my usual place or if this is just going to float around randomly... Anyway, back to the blog. So it has been made very obvious to me that I have anger issues, according to.....well, I dont know. The world? My anger problems has basically ruined my job which I had to quit for more reasons than one but, yes, it basically came down to my attitude problem. But as the few weeks have passed I've come to realize that I am a very bipolar, angry person sometimes. Mostly during the evening. During the day, right after taking my usual poison (all the damn meds my doc shoves at me) I'm alright. I'm usually in a tollerable mood, for the most part. But in the afternoons....I loose it. The littlest things p*** me right the f*** off. Misspelling things. Dropping things. Banging my elbow on something, not getting comfortable--ANYTHING sets me off into a rage and I just dont feel like I can deal with it. But the last thing I want is to complain to my doc and have her tell me to take even more meds. I'm so f***ing done with taking that crap. I'm sick of it. I have to take muscle relaxant meds for my back at night now because I cant sleep, and I told her that I now have to sleep in an upright position else I cant breathe because of these stupid (what I wanted to say was more like ****ing ***hole ****ing pieces of horse **** that I cannot ****ing stand, but let's keep it civil) but I've basically been told that theres nothing anyone can do about it unless I opt for breast reduction. News Flash: I do NOT want to go through a surgery that I do NOT WANT, only to have to deal with the depression of STILL HAVING THEM, and THEN deal with maybe going into surgery for a SECOND TIME and pay a SECOND BILL to finally finish what I wanted done in the first place. I seriously, seriously ****ing refuse to do it! If they're not willing to take care of the problem 100% then its not worth fighting with. I'm just....I'm so...so...so done.... I havent cut in about two....maybe three weeks. My bicep looks flawless, tanned, healed....like it never happened. That's the strange thing about my "habit"...it almost never scars. So when its over and done with and I'm alright again, it's like nothing ever happened. I have no proof of my mental turmoil. No concrete evidence of my torment and depression. Not that it should matter, having the scars. But it's almost frustrating. After all the pain and anger and tears that went into it all...and nothing shows from it. My dysphoria has gotten worse. The constant nagging of having 44DD breasts bound tightly in nearly three shirts, suffocating, sweating like a farm animal; yet mentally I'm always stressing that they can still be seen. That the people around me can still see through my agonizing cover-up, and inside they're laughing at me. Judging me. Mocking my existance. What God would be so cruel as to force this onto a person? What had I done wrong to anyone to deserve such mental anguish? The embarrassment, the depression, and annoyance and anger........Yes, I have anger issues. Yes, I have anxiety problems. And yes, I have an attitude problem at times. But now I have to ask....Do you really, truely, seriously f***ing blame me? My mother mocks me behind my back, telling others lies and embarrassing rumors about my "attention seeking lifestyle". That I'm only transgendered for the attention. That I paid the 130$ to change my name, for attention. That I went through the bulls*** to get a new Social Security card....for attention. That I'm an embarrassment to her. To the family. My older sister keeps me from the nieces I've put so much on the line to protect and keep happy. My boyfriends family refuses to give in even a little bit to my new name or pronouns, and on top of all the crap I have to deal with from people who are my "family"...I then have to deal with my own problems. The constant desire to hide in the bathroom away from the world. The napping all day simply because if I'm awake, I have to wear my binders and be around people. The literal consideration of serious mutilation in order for the hospitals to HAVE to remove that which I despise. I didnt used to be this bad. I didnt used to think, act, feel, or behave like this. I was getting better....I hadnt dont any self harm. But now....I dont feel like I can keep that back. Hell, I shoved something down the front of my jeans today only because that emptiness made me feel sick. I've never had to go that far...I was comfortable with my lower half. I didnt like it, but I was comfortable with it. Now it's like I cannot handle any of it. And now that I have no insurance, no job, no life basically.....the hell else am I supposed to do? The gofundme has been a bust, and understandably. Everyone's broke, no one sees it as something nessesary or worthy, plus with all the stuff going on around the world like the shoots and Nepal and the earthquakes; my request seems childish and downright stupid. Selfish. I keep having thoughts, a voice I guess you could say. The phrases and sentences muttered in my voice, my tone, but not things I would normally grumble. Theyre depressing and only infuriate me even more. I'm not sure what to do anymore, except simply go back to bed. Good news is that this time last year, I weighted 236pnds. Today I weighed in at 204pnds. Guess that's good. Maybe, I dont know. Now I have lose, disgusting, annoying skin. Whatever..... Off to another pointless nap. Warren

Karen, This is such a helpful entry - especially since I'm in a bit of shopping frenzy recently It's the "keeping in mind how old you are" part that is especially problematic for me. I think mainly for the reason that I am "coming out" a little older and regretting that I missed the chance to dress younger - but I'm working past that, and the further along my transition that I go the easier I find it to accept who I am, age and all. Spending too much time regretting the past now is just likely to lead to more regret later (regretting that I regretted so much - a vicious cycle). xoxo Christie

Warren. I honestly feel for you and others who are in the same predicament, can't imagine the pain and hardship you are going through and pray that somehow things will get better for you. This is a clear case where there should be a program from the government or insurance that would take care of your needs as it seems other things that is done for people with aliments are handled that are not gender related. Society believes (because they are not educated on transgender) we who are transgender can shrug these feels off by flipping a switch if we really wanted to yet the reality is that switch is non-existing and that it only gets worst as we grow older.

While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person. Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt. Am I really a girl deep inside? Am I just having a gender identifying crises? Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation? Or am I just going crazy? Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick.. And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl? Reason why I don't think I'm a girl: 1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender. 2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih. 3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.) 4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while. 5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish". Reason I am a girl: 1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me. 2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly. 3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?) 4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing 6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls. 7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl. 8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy. 9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls. AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED. I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family.. It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy. It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting.. But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream.. I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl. But yet I have these thoughts of remorse. And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****.. But Yet they keep coming up.. I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy? I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead. I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender. I was born a boy, so I must be a boy? Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me. Have a great day

I wrote a book - The Definition of Normal by E S Carpenter - because I studied psychology and learned that there is a ton of educational / psychology proof that TG / TV / CD people and their admirers are NORMAL! And I am very tired of the social beating these groups get, from the so called 'normal people'. These lifestyles, along with LGBT have existed since humans have existed, and it is about time someone explain the educational information available, so the non-educators can learn. Seems almost all LGBT / TG / TV / CD education material is in Peer Review Journal Articles - not readily accessible to the general public. I have no idea why our wonderful higher educational system does not gladly offer access to this information - but that is a discussion for another day. I studied the information in the book. The pschological facts are accurate. Yes, they are woven inside a love story. ...Believe it or not, for the reasons the character 'Lorraine' gives in the book: Most people can't process formal operational thought (theory only). SO I wrote a concrete operational love story around the information, so more people would access. The book is free on Amazon to read. See how 'NORMAL'. Then let's talk if you want?

I went to my therapist today. Scheduled an appointment for June 18th in five weeks. I told her how things were going and the progress that I've made. It was more of an update and encouragement. She did provide me a signed copy of a safety letter. I am going to scan it and make copies. One thing we talked about is my wife. Saturday night, she asked me what I was doing, that me transitioning was affecting her psychologically and that she was having difficulty focusing and burying herself in her volunteer work. Gave her an update and she said that this is a rollercoaster ride she doesn't want to be on. That she didn't signup for this. I told her that I know, that I didn't expect her to stay with me and that I loved her. She said that she doesn't want to be married to a woman. I totally understand that. But it doesn't sound good. Later she said that she wants me to be happy and that we will figure it out. I also approached her about dressing in front of her. She called it a nail in the coffin of our marriage. I glad she is honest with me and speaks her mind. But I walked away thinking that we are pretty much done. At this point, I will move forward but it will be about not making her angry so that we can work together.

My best female friend pointed out to me recently that even when I was male that she perceived me as female because to her, my body structure/shape was that of a female which she kept to herself for a long time. She went on to say that I did not need makeup because of this fact. Note, one does not have to be gorgeous to come off as female, heck I see myself as average no matter what I am told. Over the past year we would go out clothes shopping, the first thing that stuck in my head was how she could look at a piece of clothing and comment how well it would look on me or how badly it would look on me. With that said combining born body structure/shape (which encompasses the face too) I think many overlook the fact that not everyone can pull off say a strip top because if we are overweight it will draw attention to us. Another example, the majority of male to female have no hips so one might look for tops that accent the hips with a flared top but again use caution as your body structure may exasperate the waist and take away what was done with the flaring of the top. We all have seen cisgender females out of shape wearing Spanx leggings and know they look great on an average figure but not so much for slightly overweight or excessively overweight. I bet if you asked them they would deny this and in their mind wear them because they are easy and are comfortable. Back in the day I purchased female clothing void of the above and pulled it off, and still do. The catalytic for this entry comes in two parts, first from talking with my friends and just today the following. I work in a company of 1000 plus employees where some I know from an elevator ride or waiting in line for lunch and chatting while my team mates are close friends and acquaintances. Coming down from the fifth floor to the first floor one of the employees (known only from the elevator and cafeteria), a female turned to me and asked how I was doing? Then say that, you nailed it last week. I said what do you mean? She said that outfit you wore last Monday, well you nailed it. Heck I can’t remember what I wore so I asked her. She said a grey skirt in particular as it complimented my long legs. I don’t have long legs but I know for a fact because so many people told me so that I have great legs. What I see happened was I wore a skirt that complimented me for the age I am at. Interesting enough the skirt was kind of see through so I wore a while skirt beneath the grey skirt and let the white skirt be a tad lower than the grey skirt. In short it works for me because of my body structure. Now if I were to wear tight jeans and tight top it would work against me because of my age and also would show that I don’t have great hips so back to the flared top. So in closing focused to two things, body shape and appropriate clothing to compliment or enhance said body structure but also keeping in mind how old you are.

I told you you were determined! well done brave soul. Remember the Emla cream for your top lip, (can you get that in the US?) and at first wherever you have the electrolysis, but it ges less and less painful incrementally, I've just come back from electrolysis myself today, and I don't really feel too much pain these days. Think of it as a wasp sting, and tell yourself not to cry and be a baby, that's what I did. I shave the morning before an appointment and not on the morning of the appointment. Having said that, as I progressed - and it's been a long and winding road - my hairs got weaker and weaker and therefore easier to treat, so yours will probably do the same. The flip side is that hairs don't grow as fast. Some of my Trans friends go without shaving for 2 -3 days ata time, but I don't like even the minutest stubble. Hope you stick with it, it's worth not having a dark shadow. You probably have the US spelling of endocrinologist Oxo...... also used for gravy and stews in the UK ! I'm so happy for you. Eve x

Karen, Noticed that, too, when I viewed your photographs as a man. Think you are a handsome man and now a very pretty woman. Monica

Dear Lisa, That's great advice for ANYBODY! You INSPIRE me!! Your friend, Monica

Even people. Clearly this is a clothes issue. Yes, 137Lbs almost 138Lbs have a problem with certain clothes. Not a problem buying. No women can't tell me how a shop or card works. Todays issue is getting in my clothes. As I previously informed you, I was on a physical course and seemed like I lost weight. Not the case. Weird right. Today, I grab a jeans, 32inches, and the bugger didnt want to go over my bum. My lady humps were in the way of my jeans. I pulled harder, and what I only saw on TV of a woman jumping and bouncing around as she struggled to get that small ass into what obviously is a size to small pants. Was me this morning. Funny part is that same pants had breathing space two weeks back. Why the hell the elves tailor my clothes and forgot to take it out last night so I could get in again. Do you want to know a secret... After HRT started, my body has grown in weight and circumference too. I've always had an ass, and only people that put their hands on me realized my butt was bigger then what my clothes allowed them to see. My ass are illusionist. So as my breast grow, my ass proportionally grows. My middle has gained and lost inches, and always returns to what I originally started off with. I do have a 34 jeans in my cupboard, make that 3, so I'm prepared for my bums growth, but I'll never get use to bouncing to get my pants on. Reason being, what if I sleep out, and my partners younger brother or sister or mother walks in. Okay, their father would be gawking at my tits, but a quick get away won't be possible as I can't even get it up, my pants you filthy minded man (give me a call we think alike). So my qualms aren't about the exercise to get in, but the awkwardness it might give me. I know I've got a sexy body, but do I want the whole world, or the world of the one I like and fell for to see my body too? I don't think so... As apparently was proven to me tonight at a friends again. They walk around as if it's nothing when they come from the bathroom. Oh freaken hell no. My naked body is only to be viewed by the one I love in that way and loves me that way back. Old fashioned, but hey its me. Okay and occasionally my doctor when examining me, but in that instance my lover is allowed with inside. Hard to believe I can't do this exhibitionist thing, even with me showing my structure of my body in pictures. Cheers from South Africa.

Warren, I completely agree with Karen's comments, especially the need for medical support from somewhere for people who are suffering and can't afford what they need. At times I almost hope the republicans kill off Obamacare so that another push for socialized medicine might happen (with all of the people who would suddenly find themselves not covered it could happen). I found over time that most of my anger comes from a general feeling of powerlessness (pretty intense at times). And you're right, it's absurd to think that someone would "choose" to be transgender when that would only make the feeling worse. Ultimately I know the only thing I can really control is my own response to things - but that is far easier said than done. Please do keep writing! I think it helps to share feelings, and you never know when you'll get some helpful feedback. (And I think the way the system works now is that the latest blog entries do go at the time of the list, so no need to worry about people seeing your entries) xoxo Christie

Can't wait to read your book

Hi, I've bought the book and have read the first few chapters, for me there's a great deal of resonance in the story................. Cheers, Eve

I just learned my sister, who I thought was the most supportive and understanding about trans related things in my family, is not as accepting as I thought. She called me by my birth name over text (because she doesn't like to hear the truth when she asks my opinion, apparently). I corrected her, and her response was, "well it's not official yet!" This is the most shocking because she has actually had diversity and sensitivity training with her job, which included an LGBTQ section and focused on transgender discrimination. I told her, "well, I'm done for now" This was a few days ago, and I am not sure how to approach/re-approach the situation. She is usually a self-absorbed b****, and does use low blows to use against me, but this is the first time she's used a trans related low-blow.

"She called me by my birth name over text (because she doesn't like to hear the truth when she asks my opinion, apparently). I corrected her, and her response was, "well it's not official yet!"" While I'm sure this probably stung, maybe it's not as bad as it seems. I questioned my brother's actions a few years ago, but members helped me pretty much see that he most likely really didn't mean anything. I think the biggest problem was that I called him on something, and he became defensive. That could be where your sister's comment, "well it's not official yet," came from. That doesn't excuse it, but it might explain it. "This is the most shocking because she has actually had diversity and sensitivity training with her job, which included an LGBTQ section and focused on transgender discrimination." Now that I've somewhat defended her... I will say this much about employer-mandated sensativity training: such training is not going to change someone who doesn't want to be changed. And really, I'm pretty sure that sending employees to sensativity training is just a company's way of covering it's rear, to make sure their employees treat "anyone different" respectfully. It's to cut down on grievances and possible lawsuits. Sensativity training normally is not elective. Too often, many people don't like being forced to go to them. And most of them see it as a challenge to their [sorry] character. Hopefully she'll come around. -Michael

That's a shame - clearly having sensitivity training doesn't necessarily mean one will be sensitive, but it's especially troubling in a family setting (though probably pretty common). When I spoke with my sister several weeks ago she just flat-out rejected the idea that I'm trans (including saying "you don't look like a girl"). I haven't communicated with her since then for the same reason you mentioned, I'm not sure how to approach/re-approach the situation (fortunately I'm much closer to friends, who are supportive, than family)

At the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy in the moment! I sat on my transition for many years, mostly out of fear on how my family would react. There is no rush to transition and you will know when the time is right to pursue the next step. If it's meant to be, you will make it happen. You will find a way to make it happen.

For me, I am transitioning, even though 100% of the time I don't feel female. This creates self-doubt. The reason, at least for me, for the self-doubt is that society is gender binary. We are torn across two extremes of gender. That being said, if the idea of having wide hips and breasts as a result of body changes is unappealing in any way, you should reconsider. Myself, regardless of whether I transition or not, want more of a female figure. I just feel that is the way things should have been. If your doubts are mostly related to the fear of transition and fitting into society or losing your male self.. All of us have those doubts. You will miss the male privilege, and really that is what I know I will miss. Plus you will miss your male self. There are things about ourselves that will not change with gender, however there are things that undoubtedly will.

I'm no expert either and agree with both Karen's and Charl's feedback. I'd say that I'm going through the same think as you, Crissie. I'm like the classic "chicken and egg problem": which came first, the chicken or the egg? I recall always wanting and wishing to be a girl. But I also had a very dominating and punishing mother, and an absent father, with no siblings. Perhaps one thing that threw my mother into a rage was my expressing my wish to be female? I'll never know since both are long gone. These days I'm achieving some peace by just trying to allow myself to be me. While in public I'm visible as male but sometimes wear feminine underthings. At least I have that awareness of that while I'm outside. At home I may or may not dress. I do what feels comfortable. It's hard to get this all figured out. As much as would all like to have it known and "done" right now, it doesn't happen that way. Patience with yourself is, I think very important. But that's hard to do too. emma

Woohoo, that is wonderful, what a year you had

Christie, and Emma , I am so very grateful I did get to hear those wonderful word "oh sound like you may be transgender" As I too lived in total shame. Along with self loathing and hated and many other negative thoughts, before I heard those beautiful words. I just wish I could of heard them at age 24 , instead of 54 . None the less I will take it, better late than never. As I am alive for the first time in my life, feeling better than I ever have in my life. And I feel this good and I've not even started HRT yet!! Hugs, Dawn

Also, you don't have to settle for being either a boy or a girl. You are no less transgender, no less human, and no less valid if at times you feel male or female, both or neither, all of these positions are valid and true expressions of transgender identity. And if you feel 100% girl, then that's who you are and that's fine too. Love Charl -o0o-

Crissiesan, you are far from being alone with these feelings, many of us have and will deny them but if you are destined to be female then as you get older these feelings will become stronger and as with many undeniable but of course this may simply be a desire to dress in the opposite gender which may very well feel like you should be female. The only true way to find out if you are transgender, crossdresser or (let's call it confused) a false/positive where false/positive means you think you should be female be don't fit into the need to transition nor dress in the opposite gender. So this is the task of a therapist who is well versed with gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria can simply be that a mother was dominate in the household or that one played more with the other gender, I am not a therapist so these are only educated guesses. Without a therapist many go down a dark road that leads to nothing good and can very well cause a train wreck. Best to find out now and learn what the steps are to move forward.