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I'm not exactly sure what to say word-wise, but I can only express that I am excited for you that you're starting to see your true self in the mirror, and it's coming from within.

Since I had both electrolysis and many tats (and proud of them) I can say without a doubt that tats hurt more other than the upper-lip.

Thanks for sharing Lisa. I do hope that both you and your wife can come to a common ground and if not, well perhaps you can be close friends. There is no sugar coating it but do wish you the best.

I just did a quick search of "electrolysis vs tattoo pain" and it seems the consensus is that tattoos hurt more, which is encouraging. I have 4 tattoos, they certainly hurt, but not enough to stop after 1 :-)

Wow So much has happened in the last year (since 5/1/2014) the day first saw my therapist and she said those fateful words “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” I’d never heard those words before. But those words that have turned my world upside down. No actually they have turned my world upside right, but have turner everyone else’s upside down. So here’s what has happen since I heard those words On May 31st came out to my wife Sometime in July, finally said I might be transgender. August 29th went to my first Trans Support Group August 30th came out to my health coach October said that I am transgender November 2nd came out to my colorist November 10th met a trans friend November 17th came out to my doctor November 17th started wearing nothing but women’s clothes every day About November 20th stopped having migraines November 19th came out to my nail girl December 3rd came out to my massage therapist December 3rd through January 31st came out to about 25 sales women About January 1st stopped taking all medications, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants January 10th saw new therapist January 11th got fitted for my first bra January 31st told 2 women at blood bank About February 1st totally accepted and even embraced the fact I am transgender. February 2nd came out to friend in Texas (1st guy) February 18th told my new doctor January 28th told 2 more women at blood bank March 16th came out to my cousin March 28th came out to my daughters March 28th through April 30 came out to 10 other sales women April 22nd met a new friend and she totally accepts me for me April 25th came out to my best friend (2nd guy) So now today I don’t hate myself. I don’t hate the fact I am transgender. In fact I love me for who and what am, and that’s a transgender woman. On the day you I firs heard “you may be transgender” and there was a magic pill I could take to make me not be trans, I would have taken it in a heartbeat. 3 months ago I am not sure I what would have done. Today I am not taking it and there’s no way you can force it down my throat. I used to look at it as a curse, but now see it as a blessing. I would not want to be not trans because I would not just lose part of me, I would lose me. I am so much a peace with who and what I am I have not taken any numbing medications(sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, or antidepressants ) in over 4 months and have only had 1 migraine in 5 last months. I think that’s really awesome. It’s not that I feel better than I ever have it that I feel alive for the first time. So today I say I am transgender, YES I AM PROUD TO BE TRANSGENDER!! “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” Hugs, Dawn Lynn PS by the way the translation “oh it sounds like you may be transgender.” for me is "of course you not a sick disgusting pervert" which is what I thought for most of the first 55 year of my life" So in essence those words have freed me from my self made prison I spent my whole life in.

I went to my therapist today. Scheduled an appointment for June 18th in five weeks. I told her how things were going and the progress that I've made. It was more of an update and encouragement. She did provide me a signed copy of a safety letter. I am going to scan it and make copies. One thing we talked about is my wife. Saturday night, she asked me what I was doing, that me transitioning was affecting her psychologically and that she was having difficulty focusing and burying herself in her volunteer work. Gave her an update and she said that this is a rollercoaster ride she doesn't want to be on. That she didn't signup for this. I told her that I know, that I didn't expect her to stay with me and that I loved her. She said that she doesn't want to be married to a woman. I totally understand that. But it doesn't sound good. Later she said that she wants me to be happy and that we will figure it out. I also approached her about dressing in front of her. She called it a nail in the coffin of our marriage. I glad she is honest with me and speaks her mind. But I walked away thinking that we are pretty much done. At this point, I will move forward but it will be about not making her angry so that we can work together.

Happy Friday everyone! I made several fairly significant steps this week. In terms of "presentation" there was only one day that I was wearing typically male clothing (and the reason for that has now passed, so it doesn't need to happen again). In addition to the mascara and lip gloss that I was already doing, I wore nail polish all week (including a very noticeable red on Wednesday). And I'm getting better at curling my hair to match what the hair stylist did, so my hair style is decidedly more feminine. I'm actually at the point that when I look in the mirror I even think I look more female! I also just spoke with a student about it. I work with 2 large student groups, and this was one of the lead students for one of them. Since I know that I'm getting more and more obvious, there's a possibility of students talking, so I wanted him to know what was going on and that it was fine to tell them if it does come up. I limited the information I told him, but it's enough (I just said I'm trans, still fairly early in my transition, but it's happening and will likely continue...words to that effect). But the biggest thing happened yesterday while I was proctoring a 3 hour exam. That gave me plenty of time to think, so I was thinking about how recently (the last few months) I've noticed that I really am not attracted to gay men, but am seemingly only attracted to straight men. In terms of my sexual orientation I currently just say that I'm attracted to me, rather than saying that I'm a "gay male" or "straight female." I went over this so many times trying to figure out what I thought the difference was and why I'd be attracted specifically to straight men. Anything I thought of as far as characteristics I had to quickly dismiss knowing that anything I thought of could be found in either group (or even women for that matter!) Then it hit me, and when it did I felt a little stupid for not realizing it earlier. The ONE difference between gay and straight men (and my apologies for being so binary, but it's easier for now) is that straight men are attracted to women and gay men are attracted to men (I know, "DUH!!!!"). So, I'm attracted to straight men because they're attracted to women, and I'm a woman. The most important take-away from that to me is that it's probably the first time I've spontaneously thought of myself as a woman - out loud at least. I need to live with the thought for a little, but it seems like a likely tipping point for me. It certainly explains the attraction issue. I think it might have happened because, as I mentioned above, I'm actually starting to visually see myself as female, so I'm better able to accept that internally as well. That's where I think the importance of "passing" comes in at this early stage. Later on I hopefully won't care as much, but right now to help me work through things I need to be seen - and see myself - as female. Well, time to get back to work! Hope everyone has a great weekend! xoxo Christie

Go for it Christie, you're correct about worrying about passing, I worry less and less and I don't mind if people know whether I'm Trans or not. I've just learned to be myself and I seem to fit in with society at large. Can't really wish for much more than that, ..............can I? other than that you also get to do the same. Cheers, Eve x

Hi, I thought I'd just jot down a few things that i didn't see coming before transitioning.............I'd love to know if others found some of the same issues. So here thay are; After about 2 years or so on oestrogen I find I need to pee a lot more often than I used to - especially just before leaving the front door. I now have a greater understanding of a womans need to pee!I don't drink as much alcohol as I used to (still drink too much though!), & I eat less food too.My taste buds appear to have changed, gone has my previous obsession for chilli and hot spices, and now I like the previously unliked chocolate, I now like Chardonnay (previously avoided by me) and other white wines slightly more than even Cider, I don't like most beers anymore. I now eat prawns, and love salads that I used to often dodge if I could get away with doing so. God I'm even starting to like coffee..............but still like green tea.I now have a great sense of colour and dress co-ordination, many females have commented on this.Although my deepest innerself is much the same, I am a lot more relaxed, forgiving, emotional, & easier to get along with, I guess my persona has softened a lot at the previously crusty edges!I don't rush around trying to get everything done as quickly as possible anymore as I used to do as a male. (Anglo-Saxon work ethic).I'm a lot tidier and don't mind cleaning as much (I used to dislike it).Obviously I don't have the sex drive that I used to have as a male, this is especially true after testosterone blockers (last 4months).I've noticed that previously greasy or oily areas of my face are a lot less greasy now.As a male I had male pattern baldness, I have been on Finasteride for almost 2 years, this started hair regrowth, with the T blockers as well, my hair regrowth has accelerated.Of course I'm pleased with the things that I did see coming notably the more ovious physical changes, such as boobs and hairy chest not being hairy anymore (thank God), my skin is softer than it used to be and muscle wastage. I can absolutely say that I much prefer being female to male, and that there is no way on Earth that I'd go back. Hugs, Eve x

My best female friend pointed out to me recently that even when I was male that she perceived me as female because to her, my body structure/shape was that of a female which she kept to herself for a long time. She went on to say that I did not need makeup because of this fact. Note, one does not have to be gorgeous to come off as female, heck I see myself as average no matter what I am told. Over the past year we would go out clothes shopping, the first thing that stuck in my head was how she could look at a piece of clothing and comment how well it would look on me or how badly it would look on me. With that said combining born body structure/shape (which encompasses the face too) I think many overlook the fact that not everyone can pull off say a strip top because if we are overweight it will draw attention to us. Another example, the majority of male to female have no hips so one might look for tops that accent the hips with a flared top but again use caution as your body structure may exasperate the waist and take away what was done with the flaring of the top. We all have seen cisgender females out of shape wearing Spanx leggings and know they look great on an average figure but not so much for slightly overweight or excessively overweight. I bet if you asked them they would deny this and in their mind wear them because they are easy and are comfortable. Back in the day I purchased female clothing void of the above and pulled it off, and still do. The catalytic for this entry comes in two parts, first from talking with my friends and just today the following. I work in a company of 1000 plus employees where some I know from an elevator ride or waiting in line for lunch and chatting while my team mates are close friends and acquaintances. Coming down from the fifth floor to the first floor one of the employees (known only from the elevator and cafeteria), a female turned to me and asked how I was doing? Then say that, you nailed it last week. I said what do you mean? She said that outfit you wore last Monday, well you nailed it. Heck I can’t remember what I wore so I asked her. She said a grey skirt in particular as it complimented my long legs. I don’t have long legs but I know for a fact because so many people told me so that I have great legs. What I see happened was I wore a skirt that complimented me for the age I am at. Interesting enough the skirt was kind of see through so I wore a while skirt beneath the grey skirt and let the white skirt be a tad lower than the grey skirt. In short it works for me because of my body structure. Now if I were to wear tight jeans and tight top it would work against me because of my age and also would show that I don’t have great hips so back to the flared top. So in closing focused to two things, body shape and appropriate clothing to compliment or enhance said body structure but also keeping in mind how old you are.

Karen we have (or used to have) a TV show in the UK called Trinney and Susannah who used to give women a make over and clothes advice. They have written a book called what not to wear, this is a book showing what sort of clothes to avoid and what to wear for various different body shapes. "what not to wear" by Trinney Woodall& Susannah Constantine ISBN 0 297 84331 1 published by Weidenfeld & Nicolson It may e out of print now but should be available from a second hand book seller. Cheers, Eve x

Dawn, that's an absolutely awesome entry, it's not often that I hear so much happiness in a blog. I see so many similarities with myself. I truly feel the same way about the anti-trans pills....ugh horrible thought ! I was also 55 when I ditched my shame, and started to become myself, and there's no way on earth that I'm going back to be male, female is ssoooo much better, like coming out of a monochrome world and entering a technocolour world. Hugs Eve x

Hi Lisa, I had to go through all of that WAIT - no - We (my wife and I) had to go through all of that, and skipping the middle to now, we are together and very strong in our commitment to each other keepig our marriage strong. Ok the begining and the middle bits; I took up courage to tell her about my cross dressing 4-5 years ago, we were both pleasantly drunk, and she said oh that's great we can go shopping together in London you can be my mate, great I thought. The next 2-3 days was however like living in Siberia, she had obviously had time to wonder why I needed to do this, and thought that perhaps she wasn't adequate enough to meet my needs (which wasn't the case). I had another wardrobe purge, she also didn't aprove of my doing that either. several months later I purchased more clothes, and she was ok about it. Several months later I developed gynecomastia (it's a moot point whether this happened naturally or due to phyto-oestrogens - tea tree oil, lavender, and puerarai mirifica - my take on it is it's the latter), this was diagnosed by docters. at the same time by, coincidence a couple who were very dear and close friends also came out to us as he was part time Trans. This seemed to brighten my wifes perspective on my Transness. We arranged a photo-shoot at our house, but my friend was a lot less tranny tart than I was, and also a lot more convincing, anyway we had a fun evening together. A couple of weeks later whilst we were out together (the 4 of us) my wife suggested us going out to a local Trans meeting at a LGBT bar in Birmingham, so she was strating to get properly on-board with the idea of the new me. She was ok about my going out as Eve on our holidays, I did this in Berlin and the following year in Munich. She was happy enough that I was part-time. However as many others have found out the genie is out of the bottle and expanding. I got prescribed to oestrogen aftert surreptitiously self medicating with Premarin. We had by this time a fair few Trans friends some of which were full-time. I had to go to Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic (CHX GIC) in London for appointments, but kept the fact from my wife as I didn't want her to worry and at the same time started to dress en femme more and more incrementally. She had time to adjust to my increasingly female appearance, eventually I told her about CHX, she said she thought it a little dishonest of me even though I told her why. I then asked if she wanted to split up with me, she said no. At that time GRS was not on the front burner for me, and and I said so. I was still part time trans, I went out with her as Steve. Eventually due to Austerity measures in the UK and my working for Local Government, my job appeared to be a risk, and she said play the Trans card if it happens, but they already know about my part time trans, so the only forward is to be full-time with name changes etc, amazingly she said yes OK do it! I didn't waste any time. I did all the document changes myself to avoid her any extra worries and second thoughts. Now I was full-time trans with an acquired female gender, I started to feel the need for GRS. We had a friend around a couple of months ago who just had her GRS nad I was questioning her about rather intensley, the next day my wife asked me if I wanted it and I admitted it to her, more mixed feelings resulted, but she accepted it. She had asked me this before I was full-time when I answered that it would remove a bulge in my trousers, but wasn't on the front burner, so I guess she'd already thought about it. With the awful UK election result, my wife wants to move to the Ardenne in Belgium before any UK referendum on EEU membership, she asked would I have had my GRS before then, because otherwise it will be an expense that we might not be able to afford, she has been fully on-board with me as a female after our recent Dutch Holiday where me being Trans did not detract at all from our enjoying our holiday. Sorry to give you my potted transition history, but I have given it to you to show that by transitioning slowly and incrementally, it gave my wife time to adjust and realise the my inner core is still as it was, plus I'm less argumental, more loving and forgiving, and can understand women so much better than Steve was ever capable of. Of course you might ask, but would the end result have been the same if I had transitioned faster (which I would have loved to do), who knows, but I seriously doubt it. I hope my long and laborish text helps you, in your troubled state. Hugs, Eve x

I had my followup appointment today after my bloodwork on April 29th, which was to confirm my potassium and electrolyte levels were not being adversely affected by the spironolactone. Everything was normal. The doctor asked me if I was still going to a therapist and I said that I was, tomorrow. We also talked more about my plans. I told him that I was not out at work yet, that it would take a while. That my wife was taking it hard but that she supports me (to an extent). I told him that I wanted to wait one or two years to transition because I wanted to give the hormones time. He said that I am to come back in three months for blood work and then he would prescribe finasteride to see how much it will help me, but that he wanted to wait until then. I said thank you and scheduled my two follow up appointments at the desk. As I left and went into the lobby, I was happy and excited. As I walked out the door, into the cool, dry spring air, I felt a sudden flood of emotions come over me and tears came to my eyes. After all these years of internal struggle, total hell, it is finally over. I am finally taking care of this problem and confronting it head on. It is amazing that I made it to this point. Since I was in elementary school, I thought about transition, living an authentic life. But it just wasn't in the cards for me. There were too many barriers, too many forces fighting against me. Mostly, I thought that I needed to give it a chance. To live as a man. I might like it, adapt to it in a way where I could lose myself, forget who I was. Months went by, then years: college, marriage, graduate school, business, two children (and now a dog!). All of these things and people in my life are wonderful blessings. I will cherish each moment of my life and the roles that I fill and have filled. That will not change. I will miss male privilege, lose some friends, gain some others. This is and will be so painful for those who do not question gender, because the binary definition of gender is so rigid, accepted, engrained in everything and so well understood that it is not to be questioned. It is the primary way that we present and are defined by society. So, changing gender, especially if I decided not to conform to a binary definition of gender, is like throwing a stick of dynamite into a nuclear reactor. The chain reaction cannot be controlled or contained, lol. So, that was one of the things that I said to the doctor today, that there will be those who cannot accept this, accept me or what I am doing. There will be things that will happen that will be hurtful and upsetting. But I cannot control these things or people. I can only move forward and live my life the way it needs to be lived. Do I have plans? Yes. But they are somewhat foggy and are subject to circumstance? Yes. Do I know what surgeries I am going to have? No. I am not going to let others dictate my life and I am not going to get worked up if something doesn't work out or I didn't do something by the book. I will drive my schedule, but will not be driven by it. It will be fluid, subject to change and circumstance, not dictated by others. I am too old, ragged and worn out to get worked up by the things in life that don't work out. I am going to "ENJOY" this journey and not be upset, stressed out or God forbid ashamed by it. This road traveled has a lot of miles to it. I have tried everything but now it is time. It is my time. I hope that everyone has had a wonderful day. Love and Blessings to everyone! --Lisa

I told you you were determined! well done brave soul. Remember the Emla cream for your top lip, (can you get that in the US?) and at first wherever you have the electrolysis, but it ges less and less painful incrementally, I've just come back from electrolysis myself today, and I don't really feel too much pain these days. Think of it as a wasp sting, and tell yourself not to cry and be a baby, that's what I did. I shave the morning before an appointment and not on the morning of the appointment. Having said that, as I progressed - and it's been a long and winding road - my hairs got weaker and weaker and therefore easier to treat, so yours will probably do the same. The flip side is that hairs don't grow as fast. Some of my Trans friends go without shaving for 2 -3 days ata time, but I don't like even the minutest stubble. Hope you stick with it, it's worth not having a dark shadow. You probably have the US spelling of endocrinologist Oxo...... also used for gravy and stews in the UK ! I'm so happy for you. Eve x

Karen, Noticed that, too, when I viewed your photographs as a man. Think you are a handsome man and now a very pretty woman. Monica

Woohoo, that is wonderful, what a year you had

Christie, and Emma , I am so very grateful I did get to hear those wonderful word "oh sound like you may be transgender" As I too lived in total shame. Along with self loathing and hated and many other negative thoughts, before I heard those beautiful words. I just wish I could of heard them at age 24 , instead of 54 . None the less I will take it, better late than never. As I am alive for the first time in my life, feeling better than I ever have in my life. And I feel this good and I've not even started HRT yet!! Hugs, Dawn

Dawn, What a wonderful year! Like Emma I wish I had a therapist say that to me at some point - but once I said it to myself I experienced the same general feeling, really almost immediate elation. I haven't stopped anti-depressants yet, but probably soon. I look forward to hearing about your ongoing progress xoxo Christie

Dear Dawn, I love your post; it really speaks to me. I wonder what my life might have been like if a therapist had said those words to me, too. I was so ashamed of my feelings for so many decades... I was even afraid to admit my feelings to a therapist! Which seems stupid now, but my shame was in control. No more, no more. Anyway, you deserve such accolades for what you have accomplished. Good for you. I hope we hear from you more often! hugs, Emma