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So I finally had intercourse today which upfront I told the man I was not interested in dating or a relationship as he is into me but he needed to know I am not letting this going any farther and he is fine being friends and having this time together today. I was very happy in regards to me able to accommodate him as he was larger than average so that means for those reading this that the larger dilator does allow for larger size penises. He did everything right to arouse me, took his time and I let him know I was ready (was kind of hard to miss me panting and so forth). Afterwards we laid there for a while embracing the moment. I still don't have much of any sensation inside but I do have a fair amount of sensation in regards to my clit. We went through various positions rolling around which was much more than I expected so that was a bonus. Right before leaving we agreed to do this again in a couple of months, something in the fall. Lastly, guess I am bi-sexual for the time being

Warren, I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. I don't have much to add beyond what Karen said (and I completely agree with her), except that perhaps there is another therapist you could talk to besides the one who directed you to the suicide hotline? Christie

Dear Warren, Would like to add to Karen and Christie, one more thing. Think we ALL sometimes feel uncomfortable when things are going right, that we don't deserve it. When we find true love, often we do something to sabotage it. Also, I think we ALL sometimes feel like frauds, and thus do not deserve the good things in our lives. The above feelings have to be addressed in therapy, as often this comes from abuse in EARLY CHILDHOOD, where we are not conscious of the dynamics. Had to struggle with the above myself, as I was abused in early childhood and beyond. Therapy and other therapeutic measures helped me. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Warren, you DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD and HAVE GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU! Your friend, Monica

Warren, I can even fathom what you are going through and wish there was something I could do for you. The emotions that are coursing through you are very powerful and surely there is more pull to go deeper into the abyss then moving out of your state of mind.I truly hope you can pull away from the darkness. Hopefully you can beat the sadness and despair, get a decent job that will allow you to make money to remove your breast and receive hormone treatment so you can be anatomically correct for the most part. From reading this entry I think that you are in a toxic environment in how people around you are not allowing you to be who you need to be and that in my mind needs to change which of course is not something easy to do. I would guess that some in your shoes leave home to get away from such a negative environment but if not done right can be worst than staying where they are at. It may seem unrealistic but do consider what you can do in a positive way to get out of this environment (which I am guessing some will disagree with). I truly hope you can get past this dark time and be the person you are inside.

Sometimes I cant help but wonder if its really just the bipolar that puts me down. That beats me down, puts me in the dirt, and keeps my face in the sludge while laughing in my face. Ever time I seem to be doing fine…every time things are looking up, something always grabs me by the throat and shoves me back down. Puts me in my place. Regardless of how far I’ve come, regardless of how many people I help, and regardless of how well I can front a smile---its breaking me down just to get up in the mornings. I don’t want to eat. I cant sleep more than a few hours at night, or eighteen without warning. I cant keep my hands away from my blades, and away from my arm. I cant get up in the morning with optimism without having something, ANYTHING, reminding me that I’m a waste of space and I’m not going anywhere. Maybe no one said anything bad to me. Maybe people finally left me alone for ten minutes without getting in my face. Regardless, I still cannot remove myself from the darkness within the confines of my own mind. There’s times when all I want to do is wander off and start a fight with someone I don’t even know. To feel the crunch of bone under my fist and the sting of broken knuckles. To FEEL SOMETHING. Other than the life crushing depression and anger that swallows me up all the time. Yeah, I have my medications. No, I haven’t been taking them. Why? Because they don’t help me regardless. I can be faithful with them, taking my pills every morning like a good little spud. But that night you’ll still find me curled up and bloodied. You’ll still find me reaching for those blades, and you will absolutely still find me angry at the whole world with no one to blame. I have no reason to be pissed off. I have no reason to be depressed. But I am. I feel as though the whole world is against me, although I’m not even out in that world. I stay hidden in my room, moping. Laying in bed in all hours of the day, just staring at the ceiling. Nothing to occupy my time. And if I did have something, I don’t enjoy it. Nothing I do keeps me satisfied for more than an hour or two. I fall asleep at four in the morning, aching with backpain. My head throbbing from furious aggression boiling up with nothing to dispense it on. Every turn I take, something’s blocking the path. Every time I raise my fists to free up my path again, I get lost. Something turns me around, and I start walking in circles. It’s like living in my own personal labrynth, invisible to everyone but me. All the turns look the same, all the paths walked on already. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I haven’t seen my doctor about any of this because what’s the point? They’ll just give me more medications that make me more sick than healthy. There’s nothing they can do about my overwhelming dysphoria that seems to shred every existence of a calm. I cant look in the mirror without a skull cracking aggressive response to want to shatter the glass with my bare fists. I cant shower without glancing down at myself and wanting to beat and bruise myself until I cant take it anymore. I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. I’m so damn angry all the time I cant even cry. I mentioned my issues to a professional and all she did was direct me to a suicide hotline. Here’s my input on it though. Anyone who’s suicidal and feels beyond help, isn’t going to SEEK that help. They don’t want to pick up the phone and listen to someone fake up all these reasons that they’re important and need to stick with it! They don’t know you, they don’t know your problems, and even if you explain it, how the hell is one more stranger involved in your life supposed to heal your anguish? I thought I was doing better. I thought I was getting by. I thought wrong. I cant even talk to my sisters without wanting to just shut my ipod off, roll over in bed and play dead. I get angry over nothing. Snap about nothing. Complain then feel like crap for involving other people in my problems. Useless waste of breath, just to ruin someone elses day and drag them down with you. And it's not even their faults. My Sister Des does everything, EVERYTHING she can to try and make me happy. Sending me messages every morning to make sure I'm okay. Trying her best to cheer me up and remind me that words are only words, and no one can ruin my life unless I let them. But.....I just cant stop myself. I have no control over my own emotions anymore. I remember being like this when I was sixteen. My only solution was to go out and f*** away my problems with people I hardly knew, just to feel all my energy and anger be used up and wasted away. But it never really got rid of my emotional overload. Just made them fester and question myself. My sexuality, my identity, my personal worth…I just sit here and stare at nothing. Think nothing. Fists shaking and a bountiful pile of bloodied tissue next to me. Yes, I cut. I’m not even ashamed of it. Why should I be? Some people smoke and get lung cancer. Some people smoke weed and rot their brains. Some people shoot up and destroy their organs. Some people are alcoholics and destroy their lives. I made little slices, watch it bleed, and call it a night. I’m not hurting anyone, and its not going to kill me. It’s no where deep enough to even be a risk. So why f***ing stop? What’s the point? I don’t want my breasts. I want them gone, and it’s a struggle every day not to just do it myself. I like my hair short, despite the backstabbing crap I hear from my boyfriends mother behind my back about it. I HATE being called a girl all day by her. Being called Kristy. Being told she will never ever accept me as I am. Being lied about. Her and my mother and my older sister running their f***ing mouths saying “SHE is only that sexuality because SHE WANTS ATTENTION”. “SHE is only transgender because SHE WANTS ATTENTION” “SHE only cuts herself because SHE WANTS ATTENTION” “SHE only changed her name because SHE WANTS ATTENTION” HAVE I GOT YOUR ATTENTION NOW? Because that’s all anyone seems to think that I need. Attention. When all I really want….is for everyone to leave me alone. I just…. I just want to feel….okay. I’m sick of helping everyone else when I know, I KNOW, I cant even help myself. I just want to disappear… And I don’t know why I’m even blogging this… But there you go. My blog for the night. Enjoy. Warren. Or, I guess, Kristy. Since that's all anyone seems to care about outside of my computer.

Good morning everyone, On Friday I mentioned that I had a goal over the weekend to go out "presenting as a woman" (as opposed to just appearing far more feminine than I used to). I wasn't 100% certain what that meant when I said it, but on Sunday I did follow through. I was fortunate that the drag queen who I always go see on Tuesday was doing a special Sunday Brunch show at noon, so I used that as my location. Much of what I did was pretty typical for what I do already. I wore my gray "Blossom Where You're Planted" top, khaki shorts, and multi-color shoes (too many colors to list). Did my usual make-up routing - eye brows, eye liner, mascara, blush and lipstick. What I did in addition to that was to wear my fake breasts and butt pads. I don't know how well it really worked, but I don't know how I would have known that anyway unless someone actually said something to me about it - the fact that nobody did suggests that I didn't do that well. But that's not the big "take-away" for me. The big thing for me was how much it felt like a costume. Not all of it, really just the fake breasts (the butt pads probably could have too, but I tend to forget I have them on). It made me realize even more how much I want this to be real, and not a costume. I could see the breasts (at least the shape of them), but they weren't real, I didn't feel them. Interestingly, I liked the feel of the bra strap on my back, that felt like it belongs there. I think that's also why I'm hoping that the finasteride prescription will fill in my hair more so that I don't have to wear a wig. But perhaps once I'm further along (HRT kicking in), I won't mind the one "costume" item. Today is probably the day that an email goes out to the 2 student groups I work with - so "Christie" will be a full reality at work (though most of the students already know due to some leakage of information). And Saturday I have my endocrinologist appointment - so this should be a big week xoxo Christie

Oh I realize that neither the wig nor the fake breasts are inherently "costume" items, that's just how it felt to me when I wearing them. Once I have something that physically identifies me (at least to myself) as a woman I'm sure I'll be fine with both of them.

Dear Karen, Just my two cents . . . Women mostly have orgasms by the clitoris, "G" spot and cervix being stimulated. One or any of these areas will bring a woman to orgasm. In the case of transwoman, the head of the penis is made of the same tissue as the cervix. Honestly, I do not know from what tissue does the surgeon use to create the clitoris, but that is the most sensitive (sometime too sensitive!) part of my sexual organs. Had sensitivity in the cervix, G spot and clitoris, but have had heard of women with sensitivity in only one place, a few places, all the places in the sexual organs, and sometimes in places that had nothing to do with the sexual organs, such as the nipples. Of course, the most important sex organ is between the ears (the brain). Your friend, Monica

Dear Christie, Please remember that one out of three cisgender women wear a wig or hair piece, so I wouldn't call that a prop! Both my mother and I have worn wigs, with absolutely no shame. Your friend, Monica

I too cannot begrudge Caitlyn her financial ability to transition. It's only her politics that I have issue with. But now that she's out, hopefully she will use her celebrity status to be more involved, and maybe her politics will change. "That being said, some of the Vanity Fair shots were highly sexualized. Maybe I am sensitive to it because I am trans* or because Caitlyn (and I) am older. I just worry for other older trans* women, like myself, that the "bar" has been set high. I am a very self-critical person, but I worry that I and others will be measured by cisgender people who see this. We don't have infinite amounts of money or free time to look that good. (Lol! Don't we wish!) So it is somewhat a false reality. Though, it is no different then the reality that women face who see advertising "pump out" sexualized images on a daily basis." -- Lisa One of the first things I thought when I saw the first VF image was, I hope they didn't photo-shop her too much. It's bad enough that it has become "par for the course" when it comes to cisgender women. And no doubt many will judge other trans women by they way they see people like Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox and Janet Mock in the media - age notwithstanding. With the right tecniques and tools, anyone can be made to look glamourous. But as you said Lisa, not everyone has the money for that. -Michael