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"I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry." --Emma Yes, even mods cry. I don't like to cry. Don't like to admit that I do. I've denied it when I've been caught. I fight it when the urge to do so hits me. Crying gives me a headache. Maybe 'cause I fight it. But sometimes... we have to have an outlet. And sometimes...the only outlet, is to cry. -Michael

"You're too sensitive." I've heard that so many times in my life. Worse, I believe it. I should not be hurt by rude people at work. I seem to be the only one who gets hurt. So no, I shouldn't be affected. I should not like how I feel when I wear my dresses. After all, it's just cloth. A fabric of threads. And I'm not supposed to like them. I should not be scared. Scared that people will discover how scared I am. Of being hurt. I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry. "It's always all about you." That hurts too. A lot. So if I didn't feel then it wouldn't hurt snd it would not have to be about me. I should be happy, not sad. What have I got to be sad about? "I'll give you something to be sad about." Shoulds suck. I should forget that word, delete it from my vocabulary. I like it when I feel my truegender. Inside and out. But it's just a feeling and I don't know if it's okay to feel. Is it? It doesn't seem like it. My cursor gently blinks as I ponder clicking the Submit button. Maybe this is what blogs can be for. Sometimes to pour out my heart. Show the world that I feel. I don't like it and I don't know what to do with it but there it is.

Yes even after 3 years of oestrogen and 15 months of decapeptyl, I still fight the urge to cry, such is the power of societal conditioning. It's so hard to instantly change one's sub-conscious values, that have been learnt over such a long period of time.....................................................

Great post, Emma! A moving one, with which I and I would think many others identify. It sounds banal to say 'be yourself' ; it's hard to have confidence in the power to be just that. Doubt is appropriate in this confusing world. It's hard to distinguish appropriate doubt from under-confidence. (one can wonder about the extent to which being trans is likely to lead to both appropriate doubt and under-confidence). You are exceptionally thoughtful in your dialog with others, so your communication is certainly not 'all about you'. But it is appropriate for your blog to be 'all about you'. Love to you honey, Debs xx

Hiya Chrissy.. The name Chrissy is Lovely by the way. A Very Pretty; Very Feminine Name. As You and I, and So Many Other's know, Gender Dysphoria is Real. Like You, I dislike those who question the Reality of Gender Dysphoria. It Is So Very Real. I have Known since I was 3 Year's Of Age, that I Am Female, Trapped, In A Male Body. There are so Many other aspects of The Gender Dysphoria, which have reared their Ugly heads, over the Year's. " Coming-Out " was like having a Massive Weight, Lifted-Off, Both of My Shoulder's. Living Fully Full-Time, as a Female, has made Me feel so much happier, and calmer in Myself as well. Your New Profile Photograph, shows what a Lovely, Pretty, Beautiful, and Happy Young Lady, that You have now become. Chrissy, Have a Great Weekend. Good Health, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx