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Hi all I know, it's all part of the transition. But does laser hair removal have to sting this much??? Okay, so I did it a few minutes ago. Stung a bit, but I've found better results if you don't shave beforehand. It's also not like I have hair popping out like daisies on my face and neck. It is still like a little blotch I've here and there. I last shaved on Friday, because of a round trip from Cape Town to Upington (over a1000miles) and back. Didn't think we wouldn't not sleep for a few hours at least and use a bathroom to freshen up. But instead, we had family time and shopping before getting back into the car (Chevrolet Spark 1.2L, 60kW or 80hp isn't all that much I agree, but the drive was comfortable enough). Got back and basically just stripped and washed before getting in bed and sleeping the time away. So I lasered my face around 15:00 doing my whole face with the home kit, seeing that there is no salon close to where I live. Torture myself you say, yes I did, and less the 5 minutes later I was done, at the salon if you show pain they st, so takes about 15 minutes at one. I didn't take the highest setting because, 3 weeks back it left my skin irritated and looking like I was assaulted by my man. Therefore I moved to the middle setting to not look like a battered wife. I was thinking that if it even leaves me with a light fluff it would be alright, and then I can have electrolysis done to work out that last few kinks of fluff, but if it removes like everything, I'll be elated. I know it is a small fortune to spend on the home equipment or to go to the salon. But this way, I can zap areas I would feel uncomfortable to open up for other people. Yes I'm shy to the max. What do you think of the amount of hair still left behind on my face? It should hopefully be gone by June or July, but this is a home kit, so might take longer. Let me know if you would do this to yourself or not. Be safe and look after yourselves ladies. Big hugs and smooches Michele

"Neverland is home to lost boys like me, And lost boys like me are free" "Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling, even Captain Hook--You are my perfect story book. Neverland, I love you so. You are now my home sweet home. Forever a Lost Boy, at last." Lost Boy by Ruth B Jeez, can this week drag on any longer? I keep checking my messages and the mail for a response from the insurance company, but no luck. I'm seriously one of the most impatient people on the planet earth. Justin's finger's all healed (for the most part) and we got his stitches out yesterday. ((Cant remember if I told you guys! He was washing a cup in the sink and the dummy put his hand in a glass that was too small for his hands and it broke, slicing open his pinkie. Four stitches and a week of bandage and braces)) He's so happy to have his hand mostly back XD the dope! We obviously got a cup scrubbie on a stick, like, ASAP. lol On a more sad note, one of our dogs is coming down sick My favorite Babe, Ziggy. He's a rather old dog to start with, but the fleas and sensitive skin on our dogs has been relentless and ridiculous. And since Justin's mom is very VERY careful about what we put on the animals in terms of flea treatment, we havent gotten rid of the fleas yet Mostly because she hasnt been interested in trying anything strong, which I can SORT of understand but jeez....poor animals. Anyway, Ziggy chews on his fur a lot and he has really long fur, so it was getting matted in his teeth. We hadnt really noticed because it was very subtle. We started noticing he had a really bad smell on his breath, so we gave him a bath, thinking the smell was just him chewing on himself. Nope, it was the fur stuck to his teeth. But now my poor baby has sore gums, and his mouth bleeds with almost everything he puts in his mouth (food, toys, himself >.<). He hasnt been feeling very well lately and it might just be an upset stomach, but I worry about him. He's not a young pup (Probably around 12-14yrs old, we're not 100% sure since he was a rescue). Hopefully he feels better soon. I couldnt bare to lose him right now I'll let you guys know ASAP when I get a response from the insurance company. A huge part of me is dreading that they'll say no again...I was super confident that they'd say yes at first, but now all I can think of is them saying no....Ugh, I hate this. Ren

Looks like it is working. i plan on saving up one a home kit , nothing in my area so for for hair removal so seems my only option

Sounds like things are looking up for you And that is wonderful. A thought about the difference in male and female wages, in my profession, software development there are no differences in wages between the two genders. I met up with a cross-dresser recently from another site, (s)he is the team lead for a large group of developers and is fully accepted but with a twist, she works from home which might very well make a difference yet in IT jobs we are all a little off the wall anyways. If there is a point in my ramblings is I would say you are right on yet there are fields that are fine with transgender people and at the same time would guess that cross-dressers are not accepted as much as transgender in professional fields. College degrees may or may not make a difference, I have no clue. I will say that higher educated people tend to be less discriminated but how much I don't know. Best of wishes for you!

So um how bad does it sting? Was considering getting my um. .. Personal bits done after Nikki gets his face once we save up.

Wait, you Wiccan to Veronica??? I knew some of the other trans persons I know are, but mostly they are Christian or Atheist (none believers). Blessed be. Thanks for the encouragement. That's what's helping me in keeping the battle going. Love and hugs Michele

Hi all, It's been awhile since I've been able to write - very busy at work, and outside of work (the outside part is all good, but tiring). In a prior post I wrote about an "exit strategy" from my current job, and that point has advanced substantially. Several weeks ago I had breakfast with my electrologist (her appointment after me had cancelled). I was telling her about my job issues and half-jokingly asked if she knew anyone who was hiring. She replied that I was asking the wrong question, and that what I needed to ask (myself) is what is my passion, and how can I make a career out of that? It took virtually no time at all to figure it out once I had that question in mind and I've decided to try to pursue an MSW (Masters of Social Work) and try to become a therapist. Long ago I had thought about pursuing that career, but never followed-through. Looking back now and realizing the impact of gender dysphoria, I think that it was impossible (or at least improbable) that I could have figured out what my passion was, much less follow-through on it, until I came out as transgender (which, BTW, was a year ago this month). Earlier this year I started volunteering with Identity House - a group that provides peer counseling, support groups, and therapy referrals for LGBTQ people in the NYC area. I've never done anything that has given me as much personal satisfaction as this! So at this point I've applied to 2 MSW programs, that might be about it, I had to choose based on some logistical constraints - but one of them is Rutgers University, which has a well-regarded MSW program. xoxo Chrissy

Good Luck Chrissy. And happy 1st Anniversary. Cheers Eve

Gender Equality is such an issue here in the USA. frown emoticon I hadnt realized how bad it was until I stopped and thought about it, especially knowing that I've been a victim to it first hand. For example: I worked FULL TIME as a chef doing over 46hrs a week at 10.50$ an hr when I was legally registered as FEMALE. After changing my gender to MALE, I also changed my job. I now work as security, part time, doing about 30ish hrs a week at 11.80$ an hr squint emoticon like, wtf? On top of that, I got the job as a chef WITH credentials. My Servesafe certification, past experience, AND Culinary Schooling. I were hired at a base of 10$ an hr. They changed my job titles 8 times to worse and worse parts of the kitchen because I didnt flirt with my boss, show off my chest like the other girls, or suck up to the boys. I stood up for myself, stood my ground, and demanded not to be treated "Like a girl" when it came to tasks. This obviously annoyed managment that I didnt simmer down and do what they wanted. Other people had been hired AFTER myself with NO experience, NO training, and I started to notice a pattern. PRETTY (flamboyant, flirtatious, make up wearing, prissy girls) girls got about 11.50$ an hr, men got 12.50-14.00$ an hr. A shy, reserved, transgender guy? 2-4$ less than anyone else >.>squint emoticon I am SOOOO GLAD I changed jobs and told them to shove it!!! It happened after I was being severely bullied by management and mocked and written up for doing things wrong when I hadnt. When I complained, I was told to stop pointing fingers because "The problem isnt the job or the people. The problem is YOU". Legit quote there from the head manager squint emoticon Now I work night shift, AWAY from most people, with an AMAZING work crew who knows I'm transgender and respects that! They use my correct name, use the correct pronouns, and correct themselves if they mess up accidentally. My boss is beyond amazing and is extremely patient with me (Because of my dyslexia, ADHD, Bipolar and other issues, it's hard for me to learn things quickly or to take verbal instructions. I ask the same questions repeatidly but she never faulters to answer me anyway, no matter how much I ask. If I mess up on something, she'll walk me through it herself to make sure I've got it and am doing it the right way. Instead of jumping up and going "no, you do it this way", she'll stop and give me an amused smile until I realize I messed something up, wait for me to figure it out and fix it, THEN says something) I couldnt possibly ask for a better place to work. I even mentioned to her that I'm trying to get my surgery approved and that I'll need 2 weeks off work, and she immediately agreed and said we'll find a way to make it work. There ARE jobs out there for people like me and my siblings. We just have to find them. Sadly that means shifting through the shit jobs to get to them As a side note, despite Justin and I agreeing that we do not want to have biological children of our own, I cant help but think we already have a child. A late night of breakdowns from stress and surgery hopes was soon soothed by my amazing fur baby Gabriel <3 He's always there when I need him. frown emoticon Ren

Hiya Ren. As always, a great blog Young Man. Ren, that is a lovely photograph, of You with Gabriel. ( Ren, two happy; and contented guy's together ! ). Ren, We have a beautiful cat as well. She is white and black, with 3 black spot's down each side of Her back. I have always been a cat lover, and I always will be ! Ren, Please give Gabriel a cuddle and stroke for Me. Ren, Take Care Young Man, And My Very Best Wishes to You; Justin; and Gabriel. Love Stephanie. xxxx

In my work with Identity House, the very first time I did the peer counseling, the client we had was a person who came in to discuss "concerns about transgender thoughts" - he (he still identified as he) seemed very positive about the interaction (we spoke for about an hour and a half), which felt really good :-)

Best of luck to you in your new path! I hope it brings you joy and satisfaction!

Christie, Sounds perfect for you! I've thought about what it would mean to be a therapist. I think it takes a combination of patience, empathy, and ability to be vulnerable. It's so easy for me, as the client, to sit across from my therapist(s) and expect them to have the answers which, of course, they don't. What they can and try to do is facilitate our coming out with it, with their guidance and support especially for whatever those such as us bring along for the ride. Really, I think it's a fantastic calling and I wish you the very best. Emma

I watched season 1 because I felt like I should, but I decided as that season ended that I wouldn't watch it again (and apparently I'm not alone, ratings are WAY down from last year). The comment I heard that she made that shocked me was that she thought she could be an ambassador for Ted Cruz to the transgender community. I don't think either side wants that!!!

That sounds very encouraging - good luck! If only they could do breast transfusions, I'd be in NH in a second

Congratulations Nicky :-) I just passed 7 months on HRT and it's been a wonderful journey

A few glorious days of spring, then back to the 30's. Like look what you COULD have Bree, but I'm not going to let you. I'm going to make you be physically cold and stew while you're working through your latest emotional pissed offness. Yesterday we were talking about our sex life in the car, and Nikki told me flat out he had been sexually bored for years, and he loves now that we're doing all sorts of new things. And it didn't percolate right away. I didn't like hearing that, was minorly annoyed because I worked hard on trying to make our sex life good. Alone. Yes, alone. The responsibility for it has always been in my hands. I could barely even get him to tell me what he liked that we were doing. And then it was just a casual humor her "yeah, that feels okay". But then in a few hours, the thought really percolated and I got royally pissed off. All the years I'd been TRYING to get him to tell me what HIS fantasies were, what things HE wanted to try (most of the things he's loving know I was only peripherally aware of at best, not withholding), the trips to the creepy adult store that he got weird and didn't look at anything at all after telling me a few times he wanted to go, and trying to get HIM ACTIVE in the whole sex life and telling him that <b>I</b> was bored with it because it was always on my shoulders and I had run out of new things to want to try after 10 years... and now he's admitting he was bored and didn't bother telling me and that's one part of why he was checked out for the last several years in that area of our marriage.... Just wow. So have calmed down, and he was graceful when he realized the anger had finally set in. He knew that was coming, and strait up told me he deserved it, keeping so many secrets that affect us both so deeply. I think if he'd just shrugged it off and not admitted fault or put it on my inability to come up with enough sex ideas for 17 years by myself I would have lost it. I swear the secrets in all of this have been the worst part, the most destructive parts. I am having trouble with the dichotomy of knowing how much he loves me(I think), and my innate questioning of how someone who love me can hide that much from me that affects me so directly and deeply. It's not an anger issue, it's really a questioning issue. Did he really love me then, vs. now that he's all in? Is he only falling in love with me now? And that's why he's opening up? What WAS the last 17 years? He asked me how I would have handled it if he'd told me honestly when I asked after the first few weeks of dating. I'd cleaned his room (I was scared the mountain of boxes was going to fall on me in the night, it wasn't a little sloppy, it was scary) and found one of those DIY catalogs with all the creams and pills that promise you boobs. He claimed it was junk mail that he sorta thought of as a fetish, and I accepted it. I have NO idea how I would have belt about it then. I can't answer what my thoughts would have been. I was just out of yet another failed relationship with a girl, and a guy just before her, and at that time hadn't yet realized how much I had been forcing my minor attraction to women to be the full blown deal so I could hide from men as needed, so I probably would have been okay with figuring it out. I hope I would have had the sense to wait to marry until he'd figured out who he was and who he wanted to be though. But looking back on the last 17 years, particularly the last five, I will never be able to condone keeping secrets this big if you decide to marry someone. Be it your sexuality, gender, addiction, mental illness, personal baggage, whatever, marriage without disclosure is just wrong. It may be done with the best of intentions, but it's an abuse of trust. Can we fix that abuse? Yeah, slowly. But I have some hangups making it harder, I had trust issues to begin with and he swore so hard and did so much to prove that I could trust him, that I slowly overcame them, only to end up here at the wrong end of secrets and the fallout there of. So it's going to take time, and that's okay too. I want summer to come, so I can stop thinking about all of this for a while. I WANT a break from it, but my brain is like nope. We have nothing else to do, let's figure out our feelings. Stupid brain.

I am sorry that I put all that on you. That is my fault and when I realized I'd screwed up royally I couldn't quite figure out how to talk to you about it. Obviously the way you found out was not how I wanted it to go, but I'm finding it easier to broach things now and talk so that's good. You've been amazing as always and I didn't quite mean that to be as big a bombshell on you about sex as it happened especially since you've had to work with a broken Nikki the last five years or so. I think we were both in a very different headspace when we met than we are now, but knowing what I know now I absolutely would have told you back then. It's only fair. hugs

Yo, Ren! Right on!

I've had feeling like you are having and can complete understand where you are coming from. Like you, I don't do patience very well either.