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She changed my second blood pressure medication at the last visit reluctantly, since my blood pressure is now perfect, however, I had developed that really horrible cough that the stuff can cause. SO...been on the new stuff for nearly a week now, and the cough is gone, but my throat is still stupidly dry, swollen, and often sore. I'm going to have to go back, apparently there was a reaction to the meds and something else going on. Meh. And it's not dehydration, ya'll would not believe the giant water bottle I carry around and suck on all day. It's 63 ounces, and I'm drinking a whole and a half on average. That is a lot of water. So was trying to be helpful when Nikki had a bad day the other day and I threw a bra what I thought was to him, and pretty much hit him in the face with it. Then I was getting the breast forms outta the box still determined to be helfpful while he was lounging on the bed, it got stuck in it's plastic wrapper thing, so I pulled, and smacked myself in the face with a weighted silicon boob. Hilarity ensued for Nikki, while I started wondering when my ability to handle inanimate objects declined exactly. And then my add kicked in, and I started thinking about like 20 things at once ranging from fake boobs to zebras (don't ask, I have no idea where the zebras came in) but where I was going wasn't one of them and I smacked into the door. On the upside, Nikki laughed himself silly and had a good moment.

Dear Lisa, Wow, your post touches on one of my deepest fears. I'm glad for you that you seem to be handling it okay. That said, I hope you have someone near by that you can talk to and, maybe, grieve with. I'm like you in that as a woman I'm very much a lesbian. I guess that if I was to transition I might explore myself with men but as it is now I cannot imagine it. But I would like to have the door held open for me from time to time. :-) You have my very best wishes, Emma

Hi there On a level of 1 to 10, I feel pain about 3 levels lower then someone else which was around 5 levels lower before HRT. Reason I know this is, I can tell you my migraines started but it doesn't effect me at all, and for the plain fact that I refused to go into a theater to have a biopsy in 2011 and insisted the doc go into my chest while I am sitting on the bed in the ward. He said it was irregular but should be capable of being done, and all I did was giggle once the med's worked out. So safest to know if you feel pain a lot for anything or if you have a high pain tolerance, then you know you can do it or not. I was exhausted and basically just arrived from a round trip of over 1000miles which we basically rested in the car for and didn't even get to sleep after the kids were dropped, till we were home. Enjoy the Easter Weekend. I'm on standby this weekend and next. Hugs and Kisses Michele

I came home with this blog post in mind, thinking about it the whole way. But while I sit here and stare at my bright screen in a dark room, I some how second guess my motives. Either it to vent my emotions, or either it is to educate others. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I'm posting this briefly before I lay myself down to rest from work, having just gotten home and showered as quickly as I could before the routines of others came into play and prevented me from brushing my teeth. Again. The topic I want to drag into the open once more today, though I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it, is Multiple Personality Disorder. It not only baffles and infuriates me to no end but it also greatly saddens me that anyone of sound mind would assume, even for a second, that this disorder is a matter of fiction. That the mere aspect of having Multiple personalities within your mind is simply a play at gaining attention or affection. The sheer fact of how challenging and frustrating it can be, and often is, completely confuses me when I hear others telling their friends how Multiple Personality disorder is a made up disease by people who crave attention. Much to the assumption that being transgender is only for attention, I suppose. I'd like to put a few things down that have very recently plagued me for the past month... I wish it was only for attention. I greatly do. Because if it were for the simple reward of attention, I could merely shut it off whenever it suited me and forget about it completely until I felt lonely enough to gain more attention from it. People hardly ever realize how difficult life can be when you're juggling your daily routine around several other opinions in your head. Something as simple as remember to eat breakfast can be a daunting task, as you may be just about to eat but another personality takes front instead, skipping the meal or not feeling hungry; and by the time you return...half the day may have gone by. Or perhaps you're a victim of 'triggers' that can easily upset other alts and send you into an episode of emotions and hallucinations. Perhaps you're driving your vehicle at 65mph on the interstate and your child alt decides that he wants to try driving like the adults do. This could spell instant disaster for not only yourself and your 'headmates' but for anyone else on the road as well. Any spare thought you have to yourself could easily be shared with your group without you giving permission for such. Any idea you have can easily be stolen from your thought, and taken by another. You may be neck deep in a task that you rather enjoy, when suddenly you're six hours away and your hobby is no longer in your hands. You wander and look for it, wondering where it's been placed. When you ask others, they'll simply ask you "Where did you have it last?" Well, that's simple. I had it in my hands. Six hours ago...But then they may go on to discribe that you didnt seem to worried about it five minutes ago. But they also do not realize that the body moved, the mouth spoke, the lungs let you breathe and the eyes let you see. But they did so for someone else. Your own body betrayed you and allowed someone else to misplace your things, change your channels, change your style. But its not even your own body, now is it? No, you share it. As daunting of a task as it is to share your personal things and to have to hand over possessions that you love dearly, you must also remember never to alter your physical because...you share it. It's not yours. Not really. Anything you do must be discussed in a group format, if possible, so as not to upset someone else that you literally must listen to for the rest of your life. Every minute is shared, every secret is spoiled. Any memory you wish to keep sacred and to yourself, you must spend extra energy to keep guarded. By the time you have your most precious memories guarded safely away from the prying eyes of others within your mind---you've far too little energy to even bother fronting at all. You may drift off for the day, for a week...for a month perhaps. Everything requires energy, and you must not forget....you share that too. Your most intimate thoughts...you share. Your most secret fears...you share. Your most tragic memories...you share. Nothing is yours anymore. Sometimes even, you will discover your secrets have been shared with someone without your permission, and only because that alt had been clumsy enough to not delete his text messages... If you make a private account on a computer, a place to call your own and to try and hide away from the other voices that constantly ask you questions or bicker about when one should be allowed to color while the other wishes to watch television...dont forget. You share everything. That password you thought was your own? No, no..they often see those. Although you dont look at the keyboard, your mind remembers the placement and the letters and therefore; the words. The password is not yours anymore. Being a Shepard Alt is just as difficult and I implore everyone with DID or MPD to please appreciate the chaos that your Shepard must endure. They must be the ones to dictate who may come and go and when they may do it. When one may color while the other watches his television show, while juggling who will be able to go to work tonight and do a good job; all the while balancing out when your host may have private time of his own with his boyfriend. While doing all that, you must try to not play favorites else it makes the other alts jealous and therefore rebellious. And nothing is more frustrating than a rebellious personality who, by the way, also has control of your limbs. This is why it confuses me. Why the idea of this disorder being simply for attention is such a drastic blast of false assumptions that it makes my head spin. Well...our...head spin. Mental disorders and diseases take so much of your life away, that you hardly seem to realize you're even living anymore. It takes up so much of your time, that a year can go by and you regret not doing anything productive with it. Your job may be in danger of termination every time you decide to relax and let another take your place, as mine is in now. Unknown to me, jobs have not been done properly. This was brought to my attention tonight when I was informed that my duties are being limited during the summer, and my boss is doing everything she can to keep me from being terminated from too few hours given. Bless her, I know she is trying to make sure I stay employed. But she also is not aware of the personalities that I try so desperately to keep within my head. Fact is...she does not even know I exist. Simply that I am speaking in my host's stead, but she will only know me as him. And so we come to another piece of the never ending puzzle. Being invisible. No one will know you if you are not the host. Not really. You may never walk to a crowd and hear your name spoken first, or at all. You may not even see your name on paper unless written in secret by your own hand. You may or may not ever have the opportunity at physical affection or intimacy, as these are usually things that the Host keeps for themselves. If this is different for you, please understand that you must appreciate this. Not every alt has this opportunity. Take every opportunity as a blessing, in fact. Some of us may simply be a manager, and never a person. Please be kind to Multiple Personalities....we are many, we are important, and we are often but shadows in your bright world.

Thank you for writing this. Not having MPD I am as unconscious and unaware about it as cisgender people are about what it means and feels like to be transgender. You are adding an understanding that I had not considered before.

Hiya Lisa. I can totally understand where You are in Life. My own Wife, has been cheating on Me, for about 1 1/2 Year's, with other Men, and other Women. I " Came-Out " as a MtoF Transsexual, on 30 the. April, 2015, to My Wife. On 1st. May, 2015, I started Buying and Wearing Female Undies and Clothing, and being " Out " in Public, on the Same Day, as well. Lisa, You are so gracious, in Your attitude towards Your Wife. ( We have 3 Special-Needs-Children, ages 14 ; 11 ; and 10 . Hence the Only reason, We are still underunder the same roof, but, Our Physical Relationship is long over ! ). If I were to find another Trans-Woman, who lived fairly close-by, who I were to get in a relationship with, I would be happy enough. It might never happen, but, who knows ! Lisa, I Love Your Gorgeous Photograph's By the way. You are a Very Beautiful, Pretty, Young Lady. Lisa, I Wish You All the Best for the Future Honey. Have a Good Evening. Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Hugs, Stephanie. xx

Oh goodness. I may have to suck it up and be brave, my excema and hair on the personal bits are not playing nice. But I have zero tolerance for skin pain levels unlike the internal stuff where I just whimpered a bit with intesting caught in a hernia, I confess and will likely be wailing pitiously the whole time and that poor tech would go home if I did go and be all "You would not believe the baby on my table today!" LOL

​Thanks very much Steph. I hope things turn around for you. ​Thank you! I am. Had a great weekend with Bree, went out for birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse and saw Batman v Superman along with lots of Bree time, so very much on a better wavelength. ​The person I need to talk to about it wasn't there and won't be until this week, so I'm giving it a shot.

Veronica, thank you for those kind words and your support. I don't want anyone to cry, though. :-) I have never loved someone so much that I am willing to let her go and be happy. At times it is upsetting and heartbreaking for me because she has been everything to me. At the same time, I have grown being married to her and in my walk with the Lord. Love is and should be unconditional. Otherwise it is not really love. And I love her unconditionally. I really do hope she finds a wonderful guy. And I am hopeful that my children handle it well. Both my transition and the new guy. Whomever that is or will be.

Hang in there hun! Maybe you could talk with them about this oversight?

Down days definitely suck, don't they? I certainly experienced one from Thursdsy night through Friday afternoon. It's a long story, same old cycle for me. This morning I look back on it and, once again, am thankful for my wife and life, but also planning on jotting down some notes to discuss with my therapist. All too often by the time I see him I've forgotten too many details about the experience for us to have enough to work on. A good news for this week is that I will see him on Wednesday evening because, on the Thursdsy? Transgender Day of Visibility! Hope you're feeling better, Nicki.

Hiya Michele. You have a lovely complexion. You are a very Beautiful Young Lady, and You can be very Proud of Yourself. I Am going to have to find out how much the home laser kit's are, here in the U.K. Michele, Take Care Honey, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx

So um how bad does it sting? Was considering getting my um. .. Personal bits done after Nikki gets his face once we save up.

Looks like it is working. i plan on saving up one a home kit , nothing in my area so for for hair removal so seems my only option