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SERIOUSLY I hate my job. Nikki did the math, and barring any unforeseen financial emergencies (I can hear the peanut gallery laughing at the girl who thinks life is going to cooperate and nothing major will break in the last five months) it's looking like August is my exit day. This week was just stupid. Paperwork going wrong, customers being weird, half the people on vacation, half of who was left getting seriously ill. If I have to forcibly tell one more person "I am reception/accounts recievable, I actually can't tell you what is in stock, what the pricing is, or when a tech will be available, you will have to leave a voicemail to get help!" and get "I'm sure you can help me!" I"m going to hide under my desk and weep sadly. Cuz you know, I have nothing better to do than lie to people about my super amazing telepathic knowledge of where the techs are hiding! I did get a lot of work done this week though with less people dumping still more stuff on me, that was pleasant. Looking forward to my one day a week off with Nikki tomorrow. I need down time. I watched Hateful Eight with him yesterday, I admit I was curious to see it, the trailer looked like it was going to be somewhat funny. However, I went in assuming Tarantino would fail to entertain me, and I was right. I recognize the mans movie making skills, he does amazing shots and really good technicals, but his stories just fail to engage me. Nikki loves them, he really really loves Tarantino so getting me to agree to sit down and watch with him (mostly because I really love Kurt Russell despite the really scary mustache) was fun for him. Tomorrow we have Vin Diesel's Last Witch Hunter (Vin Diesel rarely fails to entertain me, I love that voice) and Insurgent that I picked out, and Ant Man that Nikki wanted to see. I expect very little of Ant Man, no pun intended. LOL I was really surprised I liked Divergent as much as I do. So life is settling down, and Nikki told me to switch my main focus from researching our future with his dressing needs since we've worked out a pretty good system that makes everyone happy, and to start researching depression. X_X Okay, so...it's been years since I dealt with it really, surely there has been a lot of progress and new understandings and stuff...and....nope. So far not coming up with anything I don't already know. Every article I read on the science of it to the supporting your spouse who suffers from it is pretty much what i already know and do. I'm sorta disappointed. I was hoping to find new things I could do to help I guess. The CD stuff was easier, I could buy him things, come up with new girl/girl role play scenarios, shop with him, watching makeup and other tutorials, get involved. Depression doesn't really let that happen. Sure, I'm engaged with him in everything else, but this one there's not so much I can do and he's going to have to fight through it internally. Meh. It's surprising how much difference not going on a cruise this year made. We hadn't realized how much the destress of a week of no worries other than what do we feel like doing/seeing/eating right now helps after the long overtime season and cold winter cabin fever months. We're going on once next year that is going to be a challenge and a half on it's own, Nikki's family is going with us! At least his dad and stepmom are. His dad's great, but his stepmom can be...strange. Like she gets really weird about odd things. A good example was it was someone's birthday, and they went to a seafood house because the birthday person loves seafood. Nikki hates it, he ordered the steak. And she freaked out that he didn't choose some sort of seafood at the restaurant. And they constantly have to have us doing something, they spend so much money. I tried to talk to them about it, Nikki would like some time to just hang out and talk to his dad without being involved in some over the top activity, and she was very firm about how ungrateful I was being. Ri-ight. I gave up. So I anticipate some real challenges regarding shore excursions and meals on this trip. One thing Nikki and I agree on firmly is that the ONLY person who will be sharing a cabin with us if he's able to go is my son. We are not taking on any of the couples in the family if anyone gets bright ideas. Nikki would probably deal with it better than I would since it's a family norm for him, but I would go nuclear without a retreat space. I didn't even want to share a cabin with my own mom. It's not a space thing, I'd have no problems in a four person room with Nikki and two of a list of my friends. Purely a personality issue. When we went on the whole family trip with my family, I learned 'how bad can it be, it's a cruise ship!' in the middle of the week when I went absolutely volcanic on my aunt after she was stupid about something to Nikki. I was in the middle of paradise screaming my fool head off. LOL My aunt was stunned, my mom was trying to be invisible, and my grandma tried to control the situation until I turned on her and started screaming still at full volume and she realized I Was Done and retreated to the bathroom to wait for me to leave. My other aunt came into the cabin and tried to get involved and her husband yanked her out saying "I have no idea what Jan did, but that girl is ready to eat you for lunch too, let's go dear". LOL Then I stormed out and went back to my cabin and my mom called about 20 minutes later and asked Very Cautiously "Am I allowed to come hang out with you guys or not?" LOL She came down and found out what actually happened and was all "oh..." Aunt who had been bitchy was Nikki's best freind for the rest of the damn cruise. LOL Nikki has had a shouting match with her in the past too...she means well, but she's one of those people who thinks her way is right for everyone and has no shyness about trying to force it on people for their good. Nikki's family has even more people like that...so I foresee needing an escape haven. The worst part is it was my bright idea to invite them. Ya'll can believe i"m going to try to budget hard and see if we can't afford two cruises that year (it can be done with a really good sale. And we drive down to the ship instead of flying, so that decreases the cost by $500 to $1000). One year with a really good sale we literally spent $1992 total. That included the crusie tickets, tips, soda cards, hotels, gas, parking, food on the trip, spending, and shore excursions. I kept track becuase I was curious how small I could make a week in the Caribbean.

My friend has a cap with the words "Life is Good" on it. I often wonder if he realizes how much it affects me. I'm feeling that way these days. I am increasingly realizing how unbelievably oppressive it was (and is) to live with such strong feelings and hurts about wishing one is the opposite gender from their birth sex. And, how we can be conditioned to work so hard to suppress it to get along. But that "getting along" for me meant waiting for it to be over. Which seemed like such a waste. So today I'm posting a photo of my new pink dress. Even when shopping for it (yes, on Amazon) I hesitated ordering such a bright and pretty color. Conditioning strongly at work that tells me that certain shades of blue, green, maybe a brown would be okay. But not girly pink! But I'll tell you, I LOVE it. I really do. And it's a nice soft cotton, which is perfect as the temperature is getting a little warmer. I did attend TDoV on Thursday. Call me old but honestly, it didn't do much for me. Kind of reminded me of street fairs I attended a few decades ago on the Castro. But then again, all happy people having a good time. What I enjoyed the most was talking to several people as we ate finger food and had a glass of wine before the main event. It was fun to meet more transgender people who are all happy and well adjusted. Funny story: I met another Emma! But she was probably 20-30 years younger than me and had never even heard of Emma Peel, which cracked me and another couple (my age) up. What fond memories I have of watching all of Emma's moves in The Avengers so long ago. She was my dream. I'd also like to say goodbye to Patty Duke. I know that wasn't her real name but that was who she was to me. When I was young my parents used to drop me off for an outdoor movie night at Lake Berryessa. I remember watching her in at least one movie and, as with Emma Peel, watching Patty so intently while trying to slowly chew my Milk Duds. And of course I also loved the Patty Duke Show... So yeah. Life is Good. Love you all, Emma

Hiya Sweet Emma Sweet ! Your Gorgeous Pretty Pink Dress, is Gorgeous. ( Where did You Buy it from ? ). You have a lovely figure, and lovely leg's Emma. It Is about time, that You Got paid some Compliments. Emma, You are always being so kind, and supportive, to everybody else Sweetheart, and We DO appreciate that greatly. Emma, You Deserve to be Happy. Being a MtoF Transitioning Transsexual Myself, I understand how hard that the " Trans. " Life, can be. I have now been " Out " as Transsexual, for over 11 Month's. ( Where does Time go ? ). Emma, Be Happy Young Lady. Enjoy the rest of the Weekend Honey. Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xx

LOL Yeah,we're HUGE fans of cruise ships. There's something about being out there on the sea, all that entertainment, and the cameraderie everyone has one board. We love it. I even loved the time we went on Princess instead of Holland America and it was really hard for me to find food. LOL Most of the menu was seafood and beef, and I'm not a fan of either. But the ship itself was AMAZING. I'll have to hit up Nikki, I was just looking over the cache of photos that I took and they're all just of us doing silly tourist things, I swear I remember some of the amazing Atrium on the Royal Princess I wanted to share. I had something fruity and sweet and amazing and virgin! LOL I never liked the taste of alcohol, and apparently I'm extremely sensitive to it in general so I just don't drink. Nikki will occasionally, but he's not super fond of it. It's funny the peer pressure we get over it. Out of all the things people like to freak out about, you'd think whehter or not we like alcohol wouldn't matter to anyone but us. My dad FLIPS out that i don't like it, and tries to get me to drink wtih him every visit. X_X We once nearly got into a fist fight at my stepsister's wedding when we were leaving, he'd driven my car up so his wife could take care of her mom, Grandma Yetta was really getting frail with her aging and getting her to and from places wasn't in my dad's sense of patience, so stepmom asked if I minded going up with him seperate. Which meant getting back in time fo rme to join a freinds party, great plan! Until my dad had at least four whisky sours that I saw in the first half hour, and who knows how many more in the next to, and i wanted to drive back. The valet finally broke it up after I snapped that it was my car and I hadn't been drinking, and he was drunk. There are liabilities in NJ and the keys were put in my hand post haste and they offered to call the police if I needed. Dad settled down and go tin the passenger seat, and halfway home admitted it was probably best i drove. *Headdesk* Family, nothing like them! On the bright side, I did attend that other party and had a great time!

I'm not a huge fan of cruise ships, but I'm glad you guys enjoy them. We did take a cruise down the coast of Norway a couple of years ago, and that was very fun and beautiful. As for the Caribbean, my ex-wife and I stayed on Virgin Gorda and Tortola for a couple of weeks about 25 years ago, and had a great time. We were able to fly for free on United because of my frequent flyer miles, and we saved money on the hotel bill by going in the off-season with reservations. Believe it or not, we got there, rented a car, and started visiting resorts and offering to stay there if they gave us a great price. Which they did! Of course they were happy to have our money - even if it was a lot less than normal. And, I love the drink called a "Pain Killer"! Haven't had one in a very long time. I seem to recall it's dark rum plus pineapple juice, maybe some coconut juice too. It really did the trick! Emma

​Mastering your emotions is a skill, you learn it. Of course your not sure right now, you're just starting on the journey to opening the boxes and dealing with them. Just like every other life skill, you're not going to be a supreme master at it on day one because you want to! It's a process, and will take work and effort both alone and with a good therapist, but you CAN learn it. Part of what is getting in your way is the self doubt. Put that away. It's not helping you. This is a skill, not an innate talent. If you don't have it today that is perfectly fine, you can develop it with time. A little at a time. Just like a skill at a job, it takes time and practice. You'll be fine! Trust me.