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Just thinking about where i am today with Nikki. THis is probably rambly and nonsensical as my add levels are high today and it's hard to focus. It thought writing may help, but now I'm not entirely sure. So after a crazy whirlwind of two months, things have settled down greatly, progress is being made, and that feeling of living in a crisis (as far as Nikki is concerned, don't even get me started on the cat or the yard or house maitenance!) has mostly dropped away. Both of us are occasionally getting some weird mood swings, but they're not horrible and we just get though them. I saw an interview with Helen Boyd and they asked her what advice she would give someone..well...someone basically in my position, and it was "Fasten your seat belt!" Man was she ever right. Most often now though it's just fun, and trying to balance "what items do you NEED vs. WANT cuz we is poor right now?" There was shock. There was anger and betrayal. There was spirally crazyness on both sides. There are serious mental health issues in the mix on both sides (OMG mixing the usually anchor person who is suffering depression with the flaky attention deficit disorder partner is so NOT going well on the day to day chores front, but we're starting to get it back under control). It sounds like a recipe for disaster, and anyone in the future reading my blog who might be in a position like me, here's something you should know. It's only a recipe for disaster if you add the final ingredient...and that is...wanting it to be. If instead, you want to learn what is happening, and work with your partner to find places that work for both of you, it also opens up communication like never before, and in our case, learning to meet each others needs, not just Nikki's like a lot of the narratives you'll see online, and our marriage ended up in a better place. Yes, my husband enjoys wearing women's clothing, and that's fun for me too. I like it. When he's under any major emotional stress it goes from enjoys to needs, and that is okay too. I am learning to recognize I want to have some girl fun with you Bree from OMG CRAZY STRESS HELP ME. We ALL have our crutches under stress. One of mine is to disappear for a while at one of the places I spent a lot of time with my grandfather to calm down. There are a few places I haven't told Nikki about so I have a bolt hole where no one knows where to look for me even now. Probably a bad idea in a crazy world with creepy people though. Our life and our marriage didn't end. As far as crossdressing, I kinda don't get why so many people freak out about it. It's just clothing. 90% of crossdressers stay that way according to my reading. And you wont' find a lot of narratives for them, they aren't online talking about it. They have their personal family and friend supports, and most of them aren't really struggling with it beyond wanting to talk about ways to further the illusion or discuss makeup and fashion. Because most of them aren't unhappy. So I'm leaving my narrative here for you as best I can. I looked for the narratives, and there are some, but not so many. There are a great many websites claiming there are no perks to your husband being into crossdressing, and that depends entirely on you spouses. I have found fun, laughter, bonding, theatricity, openness, communication, and adventure in my new life. I really enjoy these things, and am enjoying sharing it all with Nikki more than I can say. Do I have fears? Of course. But I wouldn't ever ask him to stop the fun because I occasionally get scared he may change his mind about trying to be a woman in the future. If that road comes I'll walk it as best I can. There really isn't another choice at that point. And yes, that other 10% is kinda scary. Future reader, maybe you'll be facing that 10% that it doesn't stay clothing and fun and shared activities that then go back to what you consider the normal marriage. And my heart goes out to you, that is a lot harder water to navigate. I can't help you much there unless my own circumstances changes with time and I have to confront the harder realities and choices down the road. You're entire romantic and sexual roadmap are being drastically altered, and it's not as easy to find support as it is for the person with the gender dysphoria, but you can find it. This is a great place if you are reading this! I wish all of you who will become 'me' in the future the love, laughter, and compassion from your spouses that mine showed me while I was navigating my fears and learning what it meant for my life as he was and is doing the same.

Ok people, so this isn't technically - or at least not fully - about being trans, but something I need an outlet for. It might be a bit meandering. I've been going through a difficult stretch, including a series of "endings" that have left me feeling - well, I don't quite know, but I know a thought that has crossed my mind several times is "when will I find peace?" The endings - (1) I'm applying to grad school and on Friday got a rejection from one of them - the one that was by far my first choice; (2) the drag queen who often lets me guest perform is no longer doing her show at the bar I go to; (3) my 2 best friends are about to move to California; (4) one of my favorite uncles passed away in January; (5) ... I know there are a few more, but I'm blanking right now. This is all on top of having a job that has gotten progressively worse over the past few months, and there is absolutely no sign of it turning around anytime soon (or ever). So how do I find peace? I used that line in therapy today and she asked me what that would look like to me, peace. My initial answer was that I would have a job that I didn't hate going to every day and didn't cause endless annoyance and stress. As I thought about it on my way back to work I know that that was too specific an answer, but a good lead-in to maybe figure it out. Because it's not about getting things to be happening the way I want them to, it's about getting me to think about things differently. I think the serenity prayer is always a good baseline - give me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. I think this is related - but keep in mind I did say I might meander :-) Every Wednesday I go to a supervision group for the volunteer organization I belong to, and last week (at our last session) I made a comment about how this group, for those 2 hours a week, allow me to feel completely comfortable with my complete identity. It's not that they accept me being trans, it just is. And I thought afterwords that if I can feel that way in the group, i should be able to feel that way anywhere :-) Just knowing that I'm capable of feeling that way makes it possible. To relate that back to the broader theme - I'm capable of accepting difficult things, so I should be able to accept any difficult thing. Ok, that's just a starting point perhaps. One final point on the grad school thing. Being rejected by my first choice school actually hurt me a lot more than I expected. I think that although I harbor some doubts about being able to do it, I assumed the choice would be mine (I'd be accepted and then decide if I want to go). But this really was crushing - I got home from work the day I got the rejection and literally cried for about an hour (and even thinking about it right now almost makes me start again). It became really clear that "coming out" as transgender finally made it possible for me to realize where my passion lies, and to have that set-back on the path to fulfilling it was very painful. It doesn't end things, I have a couple of other applications out still, but those options would be more difficult - but probably worth pursuing. So thank you to anyone who got this far - and if you didn't, well you're not seeing this now so there's no reason for me to say anything to you - but I understand :-) xoxo Chrissy

Hiya Chrissy. Firstly Sweetheart, My Sincerest Deepest Condolences; and My Sincere Deepest Sympathies; on the Loss of Your Uncle. My Thought's Are with You. Secondly, II did Read Your Whole Post, As Always. Thirdly, I wish that I lived near You, because You obviously could have used a shoulder to cry on. Chrissy, I have always been an emotional Girl, ever since I first realised, at the age of 3, that I Am Female; Trapped; in A Male Body. Chrissy, there is no shame, whatsoever, in letting Your emotion's out. It Is far better than bottling thing's up, and making Yourself ILL. Chrissy, You can be so Proud of being the Lovely; Pretty; Beautiful; Young Lady; that You are. Thing's WILL work out for You, so Please Do Not give up Hope. I know what You mean, about Hating Your Employment. You WILL find something better - Soon ! Chrissy, Good Luck; Good Health; Take Care; And My Love, And My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xxxx

Thank you Veronica :-) It's always enough just to have this space to get things out, but definitely an added benefit to get a kind response. My uncle was older, and hadn't been doing well, and honestly I hadn't seen him in quite awhile. We were closer when I was younger, but then drifted. As for my friends, we had also been drifting, so I'll most likely let that go - distance rarely works for me in that kind of situation. I don't like to travel to start with, and I have no interest in going to LA - with apologies to anyone on here who lives in LA :-) There are also some beginnings - like my volunteer work with Identity House, and one particular friendship that's emerging from that. So peace will happen :-)

My friend has a cap with the words "Life is Good" on it. I often wonder if he realizes how much it affects me. I'm feeling that way these days. I am increasingly realizing how unbelievably oppressive it was (and is) to live with such strong feelings and hurts about wishing one is the opposite gender from their birth sex. And, how we can be conditioned to work so hard to suppress it to get along. But that "getting along" for me meant waiting for it to be over. Which seemed like such a waste. So today I'm posting a photo of my new pink dress. Even when shopping for it (yes, on Amazon) I hesitated ordering such a bright and pretty color. Conditioning strongly at work that tells me that certain shades of blue, green, maybe a brown would be okay. But not girly pink! But I'll tell you, I LOVE it. I really do. And it's a nice soft cotton, which is perfect as the temperature is getting a little warmer. I did attend TDoV on Thursday. Call me old but honestly, it didn't do much for me. Kind of reminded me of street fairs I attended a few decades ago on the Castro. But then again, all happy people having a good time. What I enjoyed the most was talking to several people as we ate finger food and had a glass of wine before the main event. It was fun to meet more transgender people who are all happy and well adjusted. Funny story: I met another Emma! But she was probably 20-30 years younger than me and had never even heard of Emma Peel, which cracked me and another couple (my age) up. What fond memories I have of watching all of Emma's moves in The Avengers so long ago. She was my dream. I'd also like to say goodbye to Patty Duke. I know that wasn't her real name but that was who she was to me. When I was young my parents used to drop me off for an outdoor movie night at Lake Berryessa. I remember watching her in at least one movie and, as with Emma Peel, watching Patty so intently while trying to slowly chew my Milk Duds. And of course I also loved the Patty Duke Show... So yeah. Life is Good. Love you all, Emma