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I am a size 11 in shoes too and have found payless has a great selection at low prices. Never had any problems with sales clerks and find them very helpful there. Only scarey in the beginning but now very comfy in target and big dept stores during the days.

While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person. Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt. Am I really a girl deep inside? Am I just having a gender identifying crises? Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation? Or am I just going crazy? Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick.. And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl? Reason why I don't think I'm a girl: 1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender. 2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih. 3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.) 4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while. 5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish". Reason I am a girl: 1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me. 2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly. 3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?) 4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing 6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls. 7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl. 8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy. 9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls. AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED. I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family.. It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy. It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting.. But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream.. I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl. But yet I have these thoughts of remorse. And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****.. But Yet they keep coming up.. I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy? I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead. I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender. I was born a boy, so I must be a boy? Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me. Have a great day

Lie Monster Being that most things in my life have gone wrong, I have hated my life for a long time now and I have even more reason to hate it. I live my life in a lie. It is no lie that I love my wife and no lie that I really care. She can never see it nor can I ever show it. It has always been difficult to connect with anyone. I can connect with kids and dogs, but not people. I showed love before, why can’t I do it now”? I feel so distraught in my relationships. Not even I understand, but I think that I’m starting to. I frequently feel depressed, my Dr. claims that I have the worst case of depression that she has even seen, but I don’t see it. I also seem to be oppressed as if something or someone is holding me back. It is imperative to be friendly to have friends, but friends also need to be fed to remain being a friend. Sometimes I can be friendly and on occasion I do make friends but just don’t maintain the relationship. On several occasions I have been told that I have an addictive personality. Sometimes, when I reflect on that statement I realize that it might actually be true. and that I get too wrapped up in myself. I can spend hours on things that I like, frequently think about other people, but rarely follow through with what I’m thinking.. Maybe I am being selfish, but addictive? Not to everything though. My dad is an alcoholic and because of that and out of fear of becoming one too, as a kid, I swore never to pick up that first drink. Many kids say one thing then when they grow up do another, then tell our kids to do as I say not as I do as our elders told us :-) No matter how drunk or how often that I was I never did get addicted to booze. It has been several years since I was drunk. I might accept a drink if offered or I might not. However, with the first cigarette I was addicted for twenty years I wasted money on that worthless… And now it’s the internet and I’ll admit that I postpone things that should be done before I settle in for the night. I don’t practice my religion as much, (my bible is online :-} ). In addition, ( just like I used to believe that TG was a sin) I didn't like poetry, but now here I am just recently discovering that I am a MtF poet and have been neglecting my poetry. As I sit writing this and reflecting on what I have told so far I’m beginning to see that maybe that I am more addictive than I once believed.. I feel so helpless to find myself here day in and day out living in this lie too. It is just too hard. I can’t leave my wife in the state that she is in. I can never bring myself to hurt her, leave her with so much more responsibility. She can barely handle what she does now and her condition is getting worse. I can’t leave her knowing that she can’t hold up financially alone. I can’t leave until I know that she knows how much that I really love her and know that she is taken care of. As much as my body craves and aches to transition. This really hurts, To make her live her life as a lie or to devastate her world with my truth. I am a monster.

The purple is fine to me, and while I can read either font ,this one is clearer. I think with the depression and not being able to see it, that is part of the disease. It's an insidious disease the robs people of their ability to view what is happening to them clearly, which is why it's so hard to fight, or even realize you have something to fight. I have been in it, and Nikki is doing battle with it now, so I've been up close with it both inside and outside, and the view is radically different. I'm learning so much about a lot of mistakes I made just seeing the difference between how Nikki is processing under it's influence vs. how he normally does. It's not easy, and I'll send you all the hugs I can. I"m not really qualified to help with how to balance living with your life and your transgenderism, I'm a partner and looking at that from the outside in, all I can do is wish you the best possible outcome for you and her both, whatever form that is.

oops!!! This is so crazy I don't know... when I deleted the comment of EmmaSweet I was trying to clear this page and start over. I'll just come out and say that I'm not even thinking of hurting myself and if I don't use the cursive font can I still use the purple? I want my blog as friendly as possible. ​ ​

Since my teenage years I always wore breast forms when out. Back then they were foam forms as I was not aware of anything better. Clothing, I wear the same thing cisgender females wore so that I would blend in, not call undue attention to myself. Since I got the tucking down pat I could wear tight jeans which I favor to present time. Many who are cross dressers favor mini-skirts, pantyhoses and high heels which are in direct contradiction to what the average cisgender female wears yet I can understand the attraction to these garments and at all cost avoid them like the plague for casual outings. If one is to go out as a female it is critical to first work on your female voice followed by covering up the five O'clock shadow and by all means work on mannerism of a cisgender female. I like many others did these things and will greatly increase your chances of not being made. Once on hormones and removal of facial hair begins one can concentrate more on voice and mannerism. I can not stress too much how important mannerism and voice is too becoming at ease when out. Looking good is one thing but being able to communicate with others is paramount else you will end up in one or more uncomfortable situations which makes it more difficult to go out again. The more you are out the easier it gets yet many have issues stepping out the front door, get into their car and enter the world we were comfortable as male now is a place where one turns white with fear because they have not practice the techniques and skills needed to be comfortable when out and if you are not comfortable others will pick up on you and focus on those vibes. I honestly forget when the last time I was nervous going out, may be ten years ago but do remember prior to that time I was in the same boat as others and learned quickly that (as others have done) that it's a whole lot easier being out in stores and such where people would not recognize me. When I was 18 I went to a store in the next town over, dressed no different than any other female. Walked into the store and everyone stared at me. I truly believed I was made until a sales person tapped on my shoulder and said something like "you can't smoke in here". I then realized when she addressed me as female and told me to put the cigarette out my heart slowed down and I spent quality time there. The funny thing is I still have a pair of underwear I purchased in that store on that trip, a reminder to myself I could do this. Another memory was walking down the street over a long block where a man on a motorcycle kept circling the block and realized I was being watched and thought he had made me as a cross dresser and who knows what he wanted. Ended up at a stop light he asked if I wanted a ride. I was still learning my female voice but took my time to get it right and said something like I was not interested. As he rode off I called me a foxy lady, I of course grinned. In both cases and similar cases I did it right clothes-wise, mannerism and voice while other times earlier in life I did not and saw that people wondered if I was a cross dresser or (and this did happen) people believing I was a tom-boy.

I started by wearing casual things around the house, jeans, androgynous tops, non-descript sneakers, etc. As I became more comfortable, I began to wear these same clothes out shopping. No one knew the difference. I was comfortable in clothes that fit so I wore them. Wasn't long before I added a wig, breast forms and makeup, purse. Soon the jeans became a bit more obvious as I wore jeans with designs on the back pockets and more colorful tops. I'm very comfortable going out shopping and running errands in casual clothes. When I have an appointment or interview, I wear a dress or skirt and sweater. Although I am in mid-transition, I don't feel male or want to appear male at all. I am a woman now and will live everyday as myself. Enjoy your journey as you become more comfortable with yourself. Others will accept you for who you truly are. Hugs, Alana

Thanks so much Christie and Monica! I had heard about Payless and will definitely check it out! I'll also take some time this evening and check out the 2 sites recommended above... Shopping will be so much fun! Thanks girls! Roxanne xoxo

Dear Roxanne and Christie, A transwoman friend decades ago turned me on to Roaman's and Woman Within whose tall size clothes and shoes (up to size 13) fit many transwomen. Their customer service are excellent towards everyone. Highly recommend the paper catalog as well as signing up for their Internet catalogs. Their websites are: http://www.roamans.com http://www.womanwithin.com Happy shopping! Your friend, Monica

Roxanne, Overcoming shopping anxiety is a great feeling! I recall the first times I went and bought women's clothing and how uncomfortable I felt doing it. Now I go to Kohl's and don't give it a second thought - it helps that i have never once gotten any kind of comment about it from the cashiers ("oh, are you buying this for your wife?" etc.) I very strongly suspect that a lot of stores make it a policy that their cashiers not make any kind of comment like that. If you have Payless shoes in your area you might try that, I've found them to have the best selection in larger sizes (i'm an 11 or 12, depending on the brand). They're also nice in that they group the shoes by size. xoxo Christie

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