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Hi all, I just had my endocrinologist appointment - my testosterone level is at 170 now - yay!!! Typical male level is 270-1200, female level is up to the 60s or so - so I'm in "No Man's and No Woman's Land" currently - but it's progress! I think the nicest part of the appointment was when he said he wished everyone who came to see him was like me - in this case meaning that he has no qualms about what I'm doing and giving me the HRT prescription, so that was nice to hear :-) He did say I need to lose some weight - which I knew quite well already, I'm hoping hearing it from him will help motivate. xoxo Chrissy

If your experience is at all like mine was (and many others!) things could start happening very fast. I started out cross-dressing (without acknowledging being trans), and almost immediately knew that wasn't enough! Circumstances can of course dictate a lot, and fear of not being accepted is obviously a strong thing, but I agree with the others' sentiments about your friend and the likelihood that she'll stay with you - she may well have been telling you she already knows :-)

Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while. I miss my cat. I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name. I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh. I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that. Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face. Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.

Hi there I'm smiling at the thought of me saying, let there be... First thing that comes to mind is ,"Light". But which light will I be referring too? Light as in truth, or the perfect way forward. But the more I think about it, the answer slips me... What I've come to find is, my week was filled with conversation with either men I personally know or have just met on Facebook. Yes, I sometimes accept request from total strangers. In the hope that not all men are dogs or think a pair of tits makes you an idiot and a gullable girl. The one wants to get back together and I know it's the worst idea in the world. Because the man he is, isn't all bad or all good. He is a manipulative man, that thinks he is never wrong and only wants his way. And when he does something wrong, all the blame for him doing it comes directed towards you, because you called him out on it. Thinking that emotional manipulation makes everything right. And no, I don't like or want to be emotionally blackmailed. Therefore I am lucky in a sense that even while sick, I can think in my feet and let him no, I don't want to see him, it is a bad idea and that we are bad together as a couple. We work much better to just chat with each other as our worlds doesn't attract meteors to crash into us causing disaster above disaster. And after I told him his final NO on Saturday, all radio silence was initiated again. And this from a man that was trying to get into my bed. Idiotic antidote number 2. Yes, this unknown man starts off chatting to me and telling me how beautiful I am and how I am God sent for him after losing his wife in a car accident and having a daughter that is 18years old. The more we chatted the more disillusioned and detached he seems from reality. According to him, he is this successful engineer that is working on an oil rig in South Africa, and would love to marry me as we are soulmates, destined to get married, and would move to California where we would live happily ever after in a house that he build for his wife and himself. And the beginning of this week, of which I'm sceptic already. Did I say I have difficulty in trusting men! And then he says we one and his bank account is overdrawn and needs finances to continue with his project and it would mean so much to him that he can finish on time. Bull twang!!! Told him, I don't know him and my finances is mine, of which I don't know if I can trust him or not. He continued with his messaging to attempt and convince me into parting with my money and possibly even my life. Yes, I know of serial killers that used the friends cards with how much they love you to draw you in and because of your gender, sexuality, or perceived looks can trigger their psycho side. Well out of some of the conversations I am having, there are guys that looks at me as a sexual objectobject (or do they think I'm a prostitute for quick sex), and others that finds me intellectually stimulating as well as a looker. The only question I would have is, "Do these men actually go through my profile that says I'm a transgender female, and nothing in the world is going to change that. Because if the fight comes my way or known to me which is discriminatory against gender or sexuality, I will step in and fight in that war." Or are they just looking at my face (profile picture) as those are the only two things visible on my Facebook before I accept any friend request. Well, I am grateful that I am a visible transgender female that stand for human rights and the equality that we all deserve. Hugs, respect, freedom, equality and my looks. Bid you goodnight for now. Michele J Heynes

Yay! Good for you, Chrissy! I'm very happy for you. Emma

Hope your circumstances change so you can do what your heart is telling your head.

Hi there Stephanie and Briannah Before I usually take or give advice, I would think what I would tell others to do. I think I get some of my wisdom from being the youngest cousin on my mom's side of the family and one of the youngest from my dad's side. And I have almost 40 years of experience to delve into with either responses I loved or loathed so much, that I vowed to follow the good and keep the bad as a reference of what not to do. And I knew from my beginning I am transgender and that gives me different struggles, which I have to deal with as a whole or go down without ever understanding or accepting life as it is. Cheers Michele

Yeah, stop talking to that guy. It's a classic variation of the Nigerian scam. Smart move to tell him no!

Hiya Michele. How Are You ? Okay, I Hope ! You are So Very Sensible, in Being so cautious. Yout are a Very Pretty, Beautiful Young Lady. You like Me, are Transitioning, and We should be aware of Our Own Safety. I have a Dormant account ( in My old identity; ), on FaceLESSbook, and the only time, that I will Ever go back to it, Will be to close it down !! Michele, I have every Ounce of Respect for You, and I have read All Your blog's, that I have been able to ! I have learnt a lot from Yourself, and Other's, here on TGGuide. Michele, I Am so Glad that You have seen through the Idiot's. You DO Deserve to find Someone Really Decent. It Will happen one day. I Am very Careful where I go, and how I get there ! Michele, Take Care Of Yourself Honey. With My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

That's too bad that your circumstances won't allow for more :-( But at least you have an outlet! Hopefully someday soon it can be more

Hi guys! Yep 24, to be honest I wish it was sooner because theres some excruciating sounding waits for nhs services regarding gender. Thank you both for the advice and support I really do appreciate it. I told a close friend the other day, she was very accepting and supports me and it felt great to tell someone. I knew that I could count on her to be there for me. Thanks again guys x

and rant I will I thought that I read somewhere that ranting is allowed. I hope so because I’m a ranter and here I go. First I want to get one thing out of the way. Can I have a female moderator or administrator PM me because I am having a personal issue with the forum, nothing bad, but I have to say it and I can’t say it in here. OMG, I can’t believe it! EEEEEE! My (very unsupportive) wife likes to go to a local thrift store to buy clothing, (nothing personal), real cheap and quite often new items, (still tagged). I went in for a shower and grabbed a pair of pants, that she recently bought there. It wasn’t until after that I realized that she gave me women’s pants by mistake. I hesitated to put them on and wasn’t sure that they would even fit. Although the butt drooped the hips were a little baggy, but, at the same time made mine look a little bigger, but in a good way, (for me). They were more comfortable than man’s and felt more right. OMG I love it! On a depressing note, I feel whipped! Around my house, everyday someone slams Transgenderism. It seems like the pressure is being increased more and more. Several times a day now, my wife speaks up against one or more issues either in the news, on Facebook or out of the bible.One day my son came in and started quoting from a site that seemed to be saing everything that my wife says about TG. He also said that cutting your ……….. off don’t make you a woman. No son this is not a mental disease, it’s who I am inside and, without arguing about procedure, reconfiguring my hardware is just a means to an end. I do not wish to insult or embarrass anyone, but this is not a road to homosexuality. If I were to be homosexual, bisexual… then it would be with or without transitioning. One does not make the other! I am a little excited though. I’ve been noticing a lot of different changes going on even without HTR and at the time that I wrote this I didn’t know why these was going on, but after a little bit that I stumbled upon today I discovered that soy beans offers a large amount of estrogen and so does a lot of other beans and I've Been eating a lot recently he he. One area is in libido, he he that is such a funny word to mean what it does. LOL. Seriously for a long time I have had trouble with it being on extended vacation, but it is beginning to come back just a little, but now it is a little different. Now I rather than being stroked, (I never really liked that anyway) I actually long to be rubbed and gently massaged at the top. I have also noticed that some of my facial expressions seem to be a little more feminine, if there is such a thing. There might be some others that I’m not thinking of right now, but I have a certain item that is both interesting and exciting. Due to a medical condition that I have mentioned in another post, but I’m not going into now. To put it as mildly as I can think of let me just say that I lost a lot of air from my balloon, he he. Although it can be a bad medical condition, (I am working with my HCP on it), it feels real nice and saves money on duct tape or other items that might come in handy to a girl like me. And last but definitely not, in the least, least is that I have noticed that my life seems to go so much better when i place my mind into girl mode, which is what I hope to accomplish on a full time basis. I am more comfortable writing these on Google Docs then pasting them onto my blog here, but my point is just a little bit of interest that the font that I used on this one is called Bree Serif. I hope everyone is comfortable with it and with me writing in purple. Someone on an earlier post commented that the cursive font that I chose was too hard to read, so like a good girl I listened and gave a little respect. Please feel confident to criticize on anything that is disagreeable, offencive or just plain rude. whether it is from the top, like an administrator or at the bottom, like the newbie I’ll take anything into consideration or comply with our leaders. I love this place and feel good here just like home.

Gender Equality is such an issue here in the USA. frown emoticon I hadnt realized how bad it was until I stopped and thought about it, especially knowing that I've been a victim to it first hand. For example: I worked FULL TIME as a chef doing over 46hrs a week at 10.50$ an hr when I was legally registered as FEMALE. After changing my gender to MALE, I also changed my job. I now work as security, part time, doing about 30ish hrs a week at 11.80$ an hr squint emoticon like, wtf? On top of that, I got the job as a chef WITH credentials. My Servesafe certification, past experience, AND Culinary Schooling. I were hired at a base of 10$ an hr. They changed my job titles 8 times to worse and worse parts of the kitchen because I didnt flirt with my boss, show off my chest like the other girls, or suck up to the boys. I stood up for myself, stood my ground, and demanded not to be treated "Like a girl" when it came to tasks. This obviously annoyed managment that I didnt simmer down and do what they wanted. Other people had been hired AFTER myself with NO experience, NO training, and I started to notice a pattern. PRETTY (flamboyant, flirtatious, make up wearing, prissy girls) girls got about 11.50$ an hr, men got 12.50-14.00$ an hr. A shy, reserved, transgender guy? 2-4$ less than anyone else >.>squint emoticon I am SOOOO GLAD I changed jobs and told them to shove it!!! It happened after I was being severely bullied by management and mocked and written up for doing things wrong when I hadnt. When I complained, I was told to stop pointing fingers because "The problem isnt the job or the people. The problem is YOU". Legit quote there from the head manager squint emoticon Now I work night shift, AWAY from most people, with an AMAZING work crew who knows I'm transgender and respects that! They use my correct name, use the correct pronouns, and correct themselves if they mess up accidentally. My boss is beyond amazing and is extremely patient with me (Because of my dyslexia, ADHD, Bipolar and other issues, it's hard for me to learn things quickly or to take verbal instructions. I ask the same questions repeatidly but she never faulters to answer me anyway, no matter how much I ask. If I mess up on something, she'll walk me through it herself to make sure I've got it and am doing it the right way. Instead of jumping up and going "no, you do it this way", she'll stop and give me an amused smile until I realize I messed something up, wait for me to figure it out and fix it, THEN says something) I couldnt possibly ask for a better place to work. I even mentioned to her that I'm trying to get my surgery approved and that I'll need 2 weeks off work, and she immediately agreed and said we'll find a way to make it work. There ARE jobs out there for people like me and my siblings. We just have to find them. Sadly that means shifting through the shit jobs to get to them As a side note, despite Justin and I agreeing that we do not want to have biological children of our own, I cant help but think we already have a child. A late night of breakdowns from stress and surgery hopes was soon soothed by my amazing fur baby Gabriel <3 He's always there when I need him. frown emoticon Ren

Sounds like things are looking up for you And that is wonderful. A thought about the difference in male and female wages, in my profession, software development there are no differences in wages between the two genders. I met up with a cross-dresser recently from another site, (s)he is the team lead for a large group of developers and is fully accepted but with a twist, she works from home which might very well make a difference yet in IT jobs we are all a little off the wall anyways. If there is a point in my ramblings is I would say you are right on yet there are fields that are fine with transgender people and at the same time would guess that cross-dressers are not accepted as much as transgender in professional fields. College degrees may or may not make a difference, I have no clue. I will say that higher educated people tend to be less discriminated but how much I don't know. Best of wishes for you!

Hiya Ren. As always, a great blog Young Man. Ren, that is a lovely photograph, of You with Gabriel. ( Ren, two happy; and contented guy's together ! ). Ren, We have a beautiful cat as well. She is white and black, with 3 black spot's down each side of Her back. I have always been a cat lover, and I always will be ! Ren, Please give Gabriel a cuddle and stroke for Me. Ren, Take Care Young Man, And My Very Best Wishes to You; Justin; and Gabriel. Love Stephanie. xxxx

Wait for me Notions depraved want for your soul,every moment passes taking its toll.Remind me, I can not remember if it was lost or something they stole; Forgive me, forget me, do not weep.As I will only sink further drowning in the deep. With but a faint whisper, be quiet, be still. I just want to sleep. There is only silence beyond the coldA throat that which sorrow took grasp, took hold. Cry out! Cry out! I can not breathe; Is there nothing I can do? nothing I can say? To implore you to holdout for another day. Perhaps I am your friend or a stranger you have yet to meet.Just take my hand I will help you to your feet.Look me in the eyes and just stare,You will begin to realize I do care.Open your heart let me see, I will come, please wait for me. - J Anderson.

Hiya Jamie. Welcome to TGGuide. I Am Stephanie, A 54 Year-Old MtoF Transitioning Transsexual,from The U.K. Jamie, Your poem is lovely. It Is Always nice to read Poetry that Is so Well thought out. Jamie, Please keep the Poetry coming. I hope that like Me, You make a lot of Friend's here on TGGuide. Veronica, and Her Wife Violet are 2 of the Loveliest Ladies on here. TGGuide Is the Safest, Most Caring Place to be. Jamie, I look forward to hearing from You on here. Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie.