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So I'm writing this one slowly, trying to gather the whole thing into a coherent narrative for Erica Ravenwood. Because when I was first struggling with my new reality, and it was scary and terrifying and I didn't know what was going to happen, I went looking for the stories of other people in my shoes. But...they were stunningly hard to find. And when I did find them they were usually stories told years later after a long period of painful adjustment framed in such a way as to show that marriages can survive gender reassignment and that 'leaving was not an option' for these partners. Which is good, important, but...where were the other stories? The ones like me that didn't know what was going to happen, what they wanted to happen, stories talking about the process of finding out and dealing with the secrets, the confusion, balancing our needs vs. theirs...during the time with all the flying emotions to help us feel normal and okay and have a direction where to go? I'm really grateful to Erica for inviting me to put my voice there too, it is validating to know that the partners matter also and our feelings and life experiences may help both sides of the relationship coins for others. So I tried to leave my voice on this site for others like me, and I will try to leave my voice on her site for people too. Not because I'm special, I'm really not, I'm just a girl who loves her husband, son, animals, and all turtles of the world. But because I'm not shy and I have no shame about any of this and think it should be talked about, and want to be there for the future Bree's to help them, and the future Nikki's. Because calm Bree was way more helpful to him than flipping out falling apart Bree was. Partner sections on transgender forums are SO quiet. I guess I dream that partners, both men and women, will realize it's okay to talk to each other and find support and answers and just camaraderie like our transgendered mates do on these sites. I think it would help partners a lot, but so many of us are almost trained to just suffer in silence when marriage isn't the perfect cultural model of it. To be honest, throwing out that 'perfect' cultural model and letting our marriage evolve around our two individual personalities, including changing how it functions as we age and our needs changes, is what made it work. We had a lot of talks before the wedding and after about defining what it would be for us, and dropping the cultural/media information about it, and we made a good go of it. I met Nikki May 20, 1998. Which was hilarious, as it was the same day of the year I met my first husband. Apparently that is my 'marriage day'. It's now 2016, and we're still going. Problems come, problems go. We get frustrated with each other, we support each other. We drive each other batshit crazy, we make each other supremely happy. The thing we don't do is be mean to each other, put each other down face to face or to others, or fail to prioritize us as a couple. We learn what to do and what not to do from the examples of others, and we know when those examples don't apply to us. Life is good, even with all it's uncertainties. Now if only I had some breakfast.

Behind Blue Eyes Pete Townshend, The Who, 1971, from the album “Who’s Next” No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No one knows what it's like To be hated To be fated To telling only lies But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings Like I do And I blame you No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through But my dreams They aren't as empty As my conscience seems to be I have hours, only lonely My love is vengeance That's never free When my fist clenches, crack it open Before I use it and lose my cool When I smile, tell me some bad news Before I laugh and act like a fool And if I swallow anything evil Put your finger down my throat And if I shiver, please give me a blanket Keep me warm, let me wear your coat No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes No, I don’t have blue eyes although I wish I did. “Blue eyes” came up recently when my wife and I met with our therapist. I said to her that I’m normal, like anyone who is left-handed or has blue eyes. Sure, part of a smaller segment of the population but normal nonetheless. Our therapist then said that although she loves me deeply that she might not be physically attracted to someone with blue eyes. Later, privately, she told me that she’s fearful that indeed, blue eyes may be a turn-off for her. Worse, she worries that she might find herself drawn to someone who doesn't have blue eyes. I understand what she’s saying. But it does hurt. And worry. I just have to trust that we will work it out. P.S. I don’t mean to brag here but I just have to share… I saw The Who in the summer of 1972 at the San Francisco Civic Auditorium during their Who’s Next tour. My friends and I had fantastic seats about 20 rows back from center stage. The music was so loud that it felt like blood was trickling from my ears but of course it was not. Such fantastic memories of Roger Daltry whipping his mic high into the air only to catch it perfectly in time with the beat from Pete Townshend’s guitar and Keith Moon’s drums. I was 16 and had driven the family station wagon about 50 miles from the South Bay. The previous evening my father asked if I knew how to get there, and of course, I hadn’t thought of that. Together we looked at a map to plot a course. We made it to and from okay but also remember feeling so disoriented and scared trying to find my way back to the 101 freeway after the show.

Learned about the concept, "Living Apart Together," (LAT), when I was surfing the 'net for "couples living apart happily," as I love my apartment and my town, Beacon, but miss having a woman (I am a cisgender Lesbian) to love and care about, because my community (Dutchess County, NY) is very TLGB-phobic. My additional reasons are that I am a loud snorer, and have some other habits that I am too embarrassed to talk about. Interestingly, "Living Apart Together," (LAT) came up. Most of the information about it came from England, Australia, and Germany, with a little about it from the U.S. This is probably because the U.S. is a relatively sexually conservative country. How it came about was in England, during their census (like ours, every ten years), they noticed starting in the year 2000, but dramatically increasing in 2010, a lot of handwritten comments on people's census forms, explaining they were somewhere between being single and living together. The British government hired three universities to better explain this new social trend. Most of these couples were monogamous, and had various reasons for being in LATs. Also, without knowing it, I realized that I was in a LAT! Was very much in love and went with a transwoman for ten years, until her friends started getting married (at that time, Holy Unions), and she wanted to get married, too. Was very happy to marry her, but my reasons for not marrying was I knew Straight and Gay disabled people lost their disability benefits due to marriage, fear of bankrupting my beloved (she wanted to marry me anyways), because she would then be responsible for my medical bills and medications (at that time, insurance did not cover Gay partners), she lived ten miles off the bus line (she was ok dropping me off at the nearest bus stop on the way to work), and, as a butch, I was not comfortable with a fem supporting me. Of course, TODAY, I would have had an "underground marriage," (very common even today for people on disability), and would have kept my public housing apartment, using it for storage and as a mail depot, while living with her, just visiting my apartment once a week to clean, check my phone messages and pick up the mail. The advantages may be: Be able to avoid getting "underfoot" with one anotherGreat for those who travel long distances for workBe able to keep the relationship "fresh" and "special"Be able to connect regularly by e-mail, telephone, texting, Skype and snail mailBe able to be more romantic by sending packages and gifts​The disadvantages may be: In a crisis, may not be able to get together as quickly as you may want toBoth of you must NOT have trust issuesWon't be able to share quality time together on a day to day basisMay not be the best way to raise children​Realized that my relationship was a LAT, even before they had a name for it. Also, I realized had we moved in together, our relationship would have very likely been short lived. Today, I am open to a LAT, either as a prelude to a living together arrangement or as a permanent arrangement. Would try a living together arrangement on a trial basis, and, if there are problems caused by living habits, return to the LAT arrangement. Here are some links about LATs: http://www.losangeles.cbslocal.com/2013/05/10/experts-married-couples-finding-bliss-apart/ http://www.articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-02-14/features/ct-live-0214-amy-20110214_1_couples-happy-valentine-s-day-private-space http://www.livingaparttogetherlat.com https://www.facebook.com/LivingApartTogetherLAT https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doXVCB1KAno https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4-q1h93Csk ​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ul9YoL7z58 Would like to hear from others who have been in a LAT and/or living together arrangement and what you think about each!