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So I'm writing this one slowly, trying to gather the whole thing into a coherent narrative for Erica Ravenwood. Because when I was first struggling with my new reality, and it was scary and terrifying and I didn't know what was going to happen, I went looking for the stories of other people in my shoes. But...they were stunningly hard to find. And when I did find them they were usually stories told years later after a long period of painful adjustment framed in such a way as to show that marriages can survive gender reassignment and that 'leaving was not an option' for these partners. Which is good, important, but...where were the other stories? The ones like me that didn't know what was going to happen, what they wanted to happen, stories talking about the process of finding out and dealing with the secrets, the confusion, balancing our needs vs. theirs...during the time with all the flying emotions to help us feel normal and okay and have a direction where to go? I'm really grateful to Erica for inviting me to put my voice there too, it is validating to know that the partners matter also and our feelings and life experiences may help both sides of the relationship coins for others. So I tried to leave my voice on this site for others like me, and I will try to leave my voice on her site for people too. Not because I'm special, I'm really not, I'm just a girl who loves her husband, son, animals, and all turtles of the world. But because I'm not shy and I have no shame about any of this and think it should be talked about, and want to be there for the future Bree's to help them, and the future Nikki's. Because calm Bree was way more helpful to him than flipping out falling apart Bree was. Partner sections on transgender forums are SO quiet. I guess I dream that partners, both men and women, will realize it's okay to talk to each other and find support and answers and just camaraderie like our transgendered mates do on these sites. I think it would help partners a lot, but so many of us are almost trained to just suffer in silence when marriage isn't the perfect cultural model of it. To be honest, throwing out that 'perfect' cultural model and letting our marriage evolve around our two individual personalities, including changing how it functions as we age and our needs changes, is what made it work. We had a lot of talks before the wedding and after about defining what it would be for us, and dropping the cultural/media information about it, and we made a good go of it. I met Nikki May 20, 1998. Which was hilarious, as it was the same day of the year I met my first husband. Apparently that is my 'marriage day'. It's now 2016, and we're still going. Problems come, problems go. We get frustrated with each other, we support each other. We drive each other batshit crazy, we make each other supremely happy. The thing we don't do is be mean to each other, put each other down face to face or to others, or fail to prioritize us as a couple. We learn what to do and what not to do from the examples of others, and we know when those examples don't apply to us. Life is good, even with all it's uncertainties. Now if only I had some breakfast.

I came across something you may appreciate on Joanna Santos' blog: Musings from my everyday life...

Between sitting on the sidelines while Nikki sorts out himself and our entire future, and watching my friend whose basically been soloing a marriage for years and a complete tantrum and horribly ongoing vilifying is thrown every time she points out her needs haven't been met in years because 'she doesn't understand what he is suffering' (while he continues to smoke, not do his therapy, not do his rehab physical work, and eat in ways that aggravate his illness daily), I've come to realize my earlier blog about being the partner sucks is only the beginning of what I'm starting to work through. Not only is there an expectation that your needs will go on hold, there is a social vilifying if you don't live up to it. People can and WILL call you selfish, evil, cruel, oblivious, and a whole host of other adjectives because you can't push the pause button on...being human. And even as good as I have it, there are times I want to slap Nikki. Yesterday was one of them, when again, despite all the bending over backwards I am doing to try to support all the things going on with him, he again went after behaviors I can't control for my add anymore than he can control his with everything from crossdressing to anxiety attacks. I do everything from involving myself in the dressing and making fun happen to grabbing the meditative binaurial beats to help him relax in an anxiety attack. And we have this conversation every three to six months that you live with an add person, this particular thing isn't a behavior I can control. Why can't I get the same care I give? ARgh. It's frustrating, because I spend so much time learning where there is compromise with him and what isn't something he can help, and I realize I subconsciously expect he would be doing the same, but he's not. Sometimes I honestly think that he so made a lifestyle of suppression after his attack that he only half lives his life, including knowing me. But I still have it way better than some other partners I know. And yet I hear mutual friends criticizing their support or perceived lack thereof of their varied physically and mentally ill mates, and I've come to realize there is this almost ridiculous perfection expected socially, at least in my area if not countrywide. But I heard the same eye-rolling comments about things like this back in Jersey too. "She shouldn't expect him to care about her day, he's got X issue!" "How dare he want to go do something fun for a few hours, his wife has X, she needs him at home!" And those are just the more subtle examples, it gets uglier. Not being in a current crisis state or healthy doesn't mean invulnerable. It doesn't mean all the burden. These people have needs that should be met also. I'm just starting to percolate all this. I have no idea what the human emotional mechanism behind all this is, but I'm tired and frustrated and really really tired of being told that there is something wrong with me or I'm not a good person/partner because I expect support back and to also have my needs met. Or for having limits how far I can change myself for the sake of a marriage. Even with my admittedly overly adaptive personality even for me there are just things i can't jettison and alter in myself, or i don't think I'll even be human anymore. Of course, I'm putting most of it on hold while he's dealing with the depression and ptsd from the assault, but I still can reasonably expect him to not hold my disorder against me and that he will actually work to get better and not make this a lifestyle. This current place we're in being a part of healing, fine. Six months, a year, whatever. It takes time to work through things, I know this. But if he became like some of the other people I know who just live in this all about me and make a crisis a lifestyle, I couldn't live like this, and I couldn't even imagine expecting anyone else to. Just yeah. Still working through my emotions and my place in this marriage I guess. Some days really get so subsumed by Nikki that I actually forget i feel anything until it smacks me in the face. Thanks for listening, there isn't really much anyone can do about this I guess. It is what it is. I"m going to work now.

Hi Bree, No, I don't get the sense at all that Nikki is bad in any way whatsoever, and I'm glad you asked to confirm. I share (and so does my wife) the "chaos in your head" that comes from all this. I think that is a common denominator for both the trans person and partner albeit of course experienced very differently. I've read and said this before that we transgender people need to have patience and support our partners. Unlike us they have not lived with and likely explored and considered so much about gender for perhaps most of their lives. From our (trans) side, after we come out we're kind of in a euphoric state of unburdening but also of deep sensitivity and worry about rejection that mirrors our partner's uncertainties and worries both for us and justifiably for themselves. So we all need to communicate as much as we can in loving and caring ways. The communication is vital, I'm sure of that. But also vital is at times stepping back, taking a nap or a drive, to take a break. Emma

Thank you Emma. Writing it out helps me sort out my feelings and what is actually going on in the chaos that is my head, I'll be mid-sentence and suddenly be all "Really? That's where I'm trying to go?" LOL So helpful. My thought patterns are so disorganized that I'm not always aware of all of them, and free form writing was one of the things Dr. Hollandt taught me then rereading what i wrote to learn from myself. It's amazing how well it works! I hope I don't come across as Nikki is bad in anyway, he's awesome. I'm just frustrated some days trying to manage his issues and mine at the same time and trying to dump the "I expect from a spouse behavior x" because there is no manual on being a spouse, each relationship is different and everyone behaves differently in a marriage.

Dear Bree, You write so well, so articulately, and with such emotional expression. I do understand what you're saying and I wish Nikki did too. Maybe she does and maybe she's dealing with so much crashing down on her shoulders that she is truly doing the best she can. I think that is quite likely. Do something for yourself. Take the car out, go drive and see the scenery, or have a picnic by a quiet stream. Or cry on the shoulder of a friend. You and Nikki are perfect for each other and need each other. Some day this will all seem so small. And keep writing and letting it out. It's good to hear from you, Bree. Hugs, Emma

Hello Art, there should be no rush deciding on a name. Best advice on a name I can give is look at a list of names, pick a handful that feel right then for a week or so contemplate how each name works for you. Do this both in your mind and when you can say it out loud, many just think in their mind while saying it out loud can make a big difference in the acceptability of a name. When I came out there were three or four should said I thought Janet was good for you while the majority said Karen was perfect. I spent more time on my last name then my first name. But each spanned over weeks, not hours or days as a name change process when it comes time for it can take four to six weeks and there is tons of paper work. You may not be ready for that now but it's good to get use to a name no matter when the name change is done, tomorrow or years from now.