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Either way, I need to talk to insurance again before trying to change it and MAKE DAMN SURE that if I change my ID, then YES they'll do surgery. I'm not changing it if they wont touch it still

It was a woman at the DMV and yeah I'm in NH. But like you said, she could have seen it wrong

So my insurance has told me flat out (cant remember if I told you guys but here's a recap) no. Unless my ID says female, they will not consider my application for surgery assistance. They can only process it as male, which would go under cosmetic which they dont cover SO, I called the DMV for my state and talked to them. I asked them "I have already changed my ID to my identifying gender. Can I change it back temporarily and then put it back to my current gender later?" Odd question, naturally. So after I talked to the woman about it and explained my situation, she understood but then asked "Wait..your gender is already changed? Without your bottom surgery?" I said yes. "The law for our state dictates that you cannot change your gender without bottom surgery....Did you falsify paperwork??" Um. WHAT?! NO! We hashed it out and I had to talk to an officer AND their supervisor and we sorted out the issue. Apparently when I got my gender marker changed, it was in a matter of HOURS before the law was effective and therefor my ID IS legal and I avoid a 5k$ state fine for False Identification and Falsifying State Paperwork and information. Scary!!!! But we talked about it and she basically said that my ID is on the edge of a cliff. I'm safe if I leave it alone, but if I switch it now--I wont be able to switch it back afterwards without bottom surgery. WHAT!? So now my ID is stuck the way it is, so I cannot change it for insurance. On top of that though, she did advise that I go and find a lawyer and talk to them about my Transgender Protection rights for our state with State Insurance as it is usually policy not to deny Transgender Surgeries because it being "cosmetic." So, recap. I almost got fined 5k$ but I wont be fined because I got there before closing. My ID is fine and I do not have to change it. I cannot change it without it being a problem (also that puts my Doc at risk for false info if I ask her to sign off on it a second time). Get a lawyer (I dont have the funds for that...) and keep saving up money on my gofundme account. So basically...I got no where. And the 20 tries to call my homestate in regards to STILL not having a revised Birth Certificate ended up with a busy signal every time. So they're dragging their rears, same as always. Dude, it's been over a year already! LETS GO, TURKEYS! As a side note, I have 483$ saved up for my surgery. Then I realized that I need 500$ just for a day reservation fee, so none of that money actually goes into the 9k$ needed for the surgery itself. Oi vey.... I'm so tired of running in circles....x.x This long path is turning into a quest of unbelievable extent. Ren (Gofundme.com/givewarrenahand)

Ren, I'd suggest double (or triple) checking on the drivers license rule - people working at agencies are known to get the law wrong (social security by me initially refused to correct my gender id, but I eventually got them to see they were wrong). Looking online it doesn't look like new hampshire requires full on surgery for a gender correction on drivers license (you are in New hampshire, right? My apologies if I got that wrong) Chrissy

Yes, please be sure to get anything and everything in writing before you take actions that may be irreversible. But good on you, Ren, for your steadfast follow up. That's what it takes to get through the beaucratic crap. It's a royal hassle but it's worth it. I agree with Christie, too, get your hands on the actual law(s) and make yourself an expert. No one cares as much as you do, and it's possible you'll find language in there that will help you.

Hi all Reason I say there I go again, I had to play car fixer again for my sister. Do you girls and guys realize that a car is heavy to push on your own. But this time round, I reversed the car into the garage, because there is no way in hell that I am pushing that heavy () car again to have to start. I hope that my sister doesn't stuck tomorrow with the car as she goes to work. I don't know where it is draining the battery from and I didn't have enough time to trace the fault as I was working. Ooooooh, some guy asked to see a picture of me and I just handed my phone over and I was looked at and asked a few questions, as he figured out from my instagram (@michelintrans) that I changed, but thought that I was transgender ftm. I was laughing and said, no. But yes, this was because I am just as naughty as the guy that asked to see some pics of me. Yes, he saw my ass, and it's perky as heel, so I am not ashamed of artistically taken pics. And it wasn't like I was naked, I was dressed in underwear and only kept the artistic not sleazy pics, the rest were deleted. I even prove that underwear can be used to fight in and showed that I can be a sword wielding biatch, although it was with a WW2 relic, bayonette sword. That doesn't mean that I don't know how to use a sword, remember is was the only size I could handle as a child to not injure myself when I started my sword works, and I love it as it reminds me of how brave my dad was in real life, and that he is proud of me where he is. Need to run, my baby is running low on nappies and I have to drive to a shop with his brand as he soaks the bed if you buy inferior nappies. Love, Respect, Hugs, Adoration, and Understanding Michele Ps. No one can see my pics on instagram without me accepting them. I locked it for my own privacy.

Rocky Garden First saw a 12 year old girl Working on her large garden by herself Six to eight hours a day Moving heavy rocks to build up her garden Mother shouts to her father to come, please help her He works beside her for a few hours That summer was a drought Her garden burns in the heat Next year, at age 13 She builds up her garden further Having bags of topsoil and gravel delivered Enlarging her already large garden Separating her vegetables by a wall of stone Proudly sharing her vegetables with her family Father does not help her This year at age 14 My, how she has grown! She looks like her mother Still working alone She builds a chicken wire fence around her garden, complete with a door To defend against the neighborhood deer and rabbits She builds another garden by the side of the house To provide her mother with herbs And another, on the other side of the house In partial shade, for shade-loving vegetables Another girl next door builds a large garden Following her example And an art student sketches their gardens Savoring the idea of smelling and eating Their vegetables Healing her broken heart

So I think summer has finally hit. Or it's all a cruel, Bree-squashing joke of the weather and global warming. But the pool is up, there has been swimming, Nikki's mood is lifting steadily as the Zoloft seems to be taking effect, and there is talk about getting the grill cleaned up and prepped for the season. We planted one of those gorgeous Japanese Seiryu maples on the side of the house, please live little tree, take the transplant well. Gave it root encouragement liquid (dunno what else to call it) and fertilizer and keep it watered while it adjusts to it's new surroundings. If left to my own devices I'll turn that side yard into a little grove of nothing but small trees. I have some sort of daylily I think growing along side the house, gorgeous purple flowers...that are too heavy for the stems and dragging on the ground, amusing Nikki. Poor plants. And the Great Detangling of the Honeysuckle must occur once I get off my lazy rear and go buy some new trellis to train it along. I think it's time to get some lily of the valley planted. The overarching scent of my childhood is lily of the valley and honeysuckle. It was everywhere in my grandparent's yard, and all the memories have that smell attached to them (Unless it was winter). I love those smells. It's funny how as children we are racing to get out into the world and away from home, then as adults spend so much time trying to recreate those childhood homes. At least the plants were easy to care for ones, I'm Death Incarnate to roses and other fussy plants. Nikki says they literally quail at the site of me at the store, he can see their quaking branches as I pass. Things are very mellow here, he's happier than he's been in a long time, so I'm relaxed and able to focus on Bree things a bit, and only three more months of toxic job from hell for me. Next summer is going to be even better when I don't have to go there. SO we're all still alive and well here, just knee deep in getting everything set up for summer fun. Now if you'll excuse me, I have got to go find something for this bug bite rash, they ate me while I was weeding. LIttle insect jerks who eat people alive.

I am also a member of another cross-dresser/transgender site which is predominantly cross-dressers with a section for transgender. I frequent that site say once a week, sometimes every two weeks. I posted in the transgender area about my voice lessons and then the same day received a request to meet a member. Since I was heading in her direction to prom dress shopping with my best friend and her daughter I should sure. So this afternoon we were suppose to meet in front of Pandora's in the mall at 2PM but she was not there, said she was running late so Terry and I went for coffee then Victoria's Secrets shopping (Pandora, Macy's and Victoria's are my favs). While in VS I check my mail, she is in the mall so I said meet us at VS. I am going hog wild over thongs at this time but notice the line is super long so I decided not to purchase since she is meeting us shortly and not a minute later there she is. As the mall was super busy I suggested walking outside to talk. We chatted about many things including GRS and my condensed story as well as some of her history. She told me in these words "you are a pillar for the site". I thanked her. Then she asked, why are you taking voice lessons? I said to sound more female. Then the bombshell, (she response with) to tell you the truth your voice is female now. My friend Terry says, Karen has improved a lot in the past year (now the next part is hard to believe) since her surgery. I know that surgery does not change one's voice but I feel the change is mental, inside of me from talking female everyday for the past say 16 months. My voice coach tells me I need to work with her and I agree and then she goes on to say I am progressing faster than other clients woohoo. Next time this woman is in town she is taking me to dinner so we can chit chat more. BTW She is from Canada where the process sounds extremely long to get GRS unlike here in the US. Anyways I am going to eat the great dinner Terry sent home with me, later!

Two lovely ladies enjoying the mall!

Just working through some things since the therapy session. Long talks with Bree, several attempts at trying to shake some of the doldrums and just in general a lot going on. I have an appointment with our regular doctor next week and I'm going to talk to her about getting something for my depression. I've found it's hard to talk about my feelings when I don't really have the capability to feel anything beyond extreme highs and lows and then just don't really feel anything at all otherwise. I can't really talk about feelings I'm not having and I know it's frustrating when all I can do is shrug my shoulders when someone asks how I feel. How do you feel? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Yeah that's not helpful for anyone, least of all me. I've started using a little notebook to kind of keep track of thoughts I'm having when I am feeling anything so I have a guide to talk to my therapist about when I see her in a few weeks. I just want to feel again.

Just an update I haven't been on here much. I have been really busy, active. Making steady progress. But I had something that happened to me last night which stopped me cold. I had a guy who I was friends with, who I have chatted with for months, just dump me and cut me out of his life. Being trans*, I have experienced a lot of this over many years. But recently, things had been going really well. So this blindsided me a bit. Anyways, I cried today. I will be okay. It will take some time to get over this. This wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last. I've experienced tons of rejection. And honestly, I am used to it. Even though things have gotten so much better in the last 5 years or so regarding others accepting me, particularly these last few weeks (which is awesome), it still just wears me down. Makes me tired. For some reason, I don't know why, it makes me either work harder or just back away from things. I don't allow others to validate me a person or a woman. But it still hurts when it happens, especially when we develop relationships with others and they for whatever reason back away. I hope that everyone has an awesome day today. --Lisa

Hi Lisa, It's very nice to hear from you although I wish it was under better circumstances. That is so surprising that he'd just up and leave you like that, no explanation, no talk, just go. But good for you how you are handling it so well. Crying helps and is good for you. We all feel it when we are vulnerable and then rejected. And it hurts so much that sometimes it feels like it would be better to just seal ourselves off, protect ourselves. I think that is part of grieving and that's okay too for a while. I have a friend who is a folk singer, she says that at these times we need a cup of tea and a nap. That helps me sometimes although it's not perfect. Regardless we are always here for you. Warm hugs, Emma

Hiya Lisa Darling. I feel for You Sweetheart. Darling Girl, You are Not the only one to Cry. I was Physically Attacked by My Wife, and My Middle Son, 2 Week's ago, Today. ( They tried to crush Me between The Front-Door; and The Front-Door-Frame. The Police were called by a Neighbour ! ). I cried when I was talking to the Police. ( This is the 4th. time that the Police have been called, because I have been under attack ). Lisa, to be Rejected, is Not nice. Lisa, You are so Lovely, Young Lady, and being Transsexual Myself, I have found that It Is harder to withstand rejection. I Am lucky though, I have made a lot of Friend's, since " Coming-Out ", as Transsexual, and All the New Friend's that I have made, are sticking by me. Lisa, You Young Lady,are Very Popular, here at TGGuide, and You have made a lot of Friend's here. Lisa, Keep Your Chin-Up, and Your Pretty Head held high. ( If that Person has rejected You, He is obviously Not worth Knowing. You are worth so much more than Him !! ). Lisa, I will Not ever judge You, but, I Am here for You, if You need Me. ( If You ever want to chat Honey, then Please Private Message Me, Young Lady ). Lisa, Speak Soon, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Love Stephanie. xxxx

Hi Veronica You might think that it's only men, but my inbox is filled with all genders. And I truly hope I'm not that frosty, because it seems to me I'm heating up some libidos there. Hugs Michele

Emma, I was SO close to buying one of the yard sprays that reduces (cuz nothing gets rid of those jerky insects) the population, but too many new plants and my dog. I know it probably won't harm either if I follow the direction, but sometimes I just get uber paranoid about things. But I was close. This year seems well though, it has been unusually dry here and the total population of bugs has been manageable, as opposed to something outta a horror movie, swarms upon swarms like that last several years. One year the fleas were so bad EVERYONE had them, didn't matter if you had animals or not. When you looked outside at the grass you could see creepy black waves of them moving around. Nikki managed to lose one of our window air conditioning units. LOL I'm sure it's somewhere in the house, but at the time of it's removal from the window I was still somewhat limited in mobility (unexpected abdominal surgery in July taught me a lesson in how very MUCH your abdominal muscles are involved in movement wise, even reading hurt), so I have no idea where it got stashed. We are working on a project for next summer, when we only have to coordinate his schedule. We're replacing all the camping gear we lost back in 07 after the flood (I know, it's been forever, but camping was just one of the things that fell by the wayside getting everything back up after the flood and all that came after). There is a place I went with my Grandpa nearly every summer growing up, called Assateague Island off the coast of Maryland and Virginia. It's a lovely barrier island, they tried to build a town on it once but it didn't last as the island is VERY mobile. You can see the remnants of the streets on the dune trail. On the Maryland side you can camp on the island itself, there is a National Park (Less expensive, showers have cold water only, but three lovely trails to explore) and the state park (more expensive, but warm showers!). On top of all the usual camping fun, Assateauge has something special, PONIES! Yup, a large herd of wild ponies that have been there so long no one really remembers how they got there. There is a story of a spanish galleon carrying horses to the new world going down and the survivors made it to the Island, but it's considered somewhat unrealistic given that the Spanish influence was much further south. The more boring theory is that the island was used as a natural corral and somehow they got forgotten. They're not actually ponies genetically. Once year the Virginia side has a great festival called Pony Penning Day where they round up the ponies, swim them across the small channel, herd them down main street, and auction off the foals as a combination population control and the money goes to supporting Chincoteague. I got to see the festival once, it was great fun. But if you buy a foal and give it a proper diet, you will have a full horse. It's the overly salted food of the island that stunts their growth and gives them the distinctive Assateague pot bellied pony look. I can't WAIT to show Nikki around all my memories. Maybe not crabbing, Nikki's tolerance of seafood is even lower than my nearly non existent one, but crabbing was so much fun with Grandpa. LOL

So nice to hear things are going well for both of you. I'm fine, my wife's fine, together we're fine. Can't ask for much more than that. Well... we could ask for a smaller number of little insect jerks. I'm down for that! 😄

Today has just been... blah. I woke up mostly ok, but after Bree and I ended up getting entangled and went out for breakfast, the headache kicked in and I realized that the little fog that had been sitting in the back of my head was congestion and Bree wasn't going to be getting much out of me. So the blah day has been filled with a Daredevil season 2 binge along with some errands. It has been a quiet meh I'm sick kind of day. Bree and I have otherwise been working on things in our relationship. A lot of the issues were my fault in a lot of this, some of it stemming from me hiding some of my feelings about my need to crossdress and my gender confusion, and some of that tied to but not really tied to that. It was complicated. We're making it a lot less complicated now. and that's a good thing for both of us. I did find something near and dear to Bree last night and that made me feel pretty good about myself that I was able to make her the least bit happy in all of this. Writing these is hard but I'm practicing. That little book I've got to write thoughts in when I'm feeling something has been seeing some action, but even that's hard to do when I"m not feeling something. So next week it's definitely on with anti-depressents. There was a me in the videos we found that I haven't felt in a long damn time and while I've been getting glimpses here and there I miss that happier version of me.

I miss that you too, but I love the one that is next to me right now also. *Hugs* We'll find our way back to that.

I try hard!

We were having an awesome day until I...um...disgraced myself all over the floor. That is my project for Tuesday, talk about this cough with Bethany. It is so extreme that it forces things out of my tummy without warning from the sheer muscle cramping of the cough. So I went from really great day to holy cow embarassment. Nikki is being great about it though. So weird cuz I FEEL fine. Absolutely fine. But before that we had a great day! WE went to BG, got our yummy calzones, had a lovely lunch and talked about everything and nothing. Then we drove up to Toledo where Nikki got a new Captain American/Iron Man shirt he loves wtih a really good coupon, and I scored a couple of new dresses on sale. It was a gorgeous day, and we took the longer backroads to enjoy it and chatting in the car. Nikki saw some pants he liked at Catherine's, sort of a faux brocade pattern on jeans, but they didn't have his size. He wasn't taken with anything else, but Catherine's is sort of really hit or miss with me too. They do some UGLY vaguely hawiian prints on a lot of things I love the cut of, but hate the print/color choices. He did convince me to buy the red dress I found, I was hesitant because it's a really bold color, but he reminded me he's learned to color correct the red in my face so I can wear it without looking like a beet. I missed it early, I'd actually realized while I was sorting things out after I knew about his gid that I was waiting for him to tell me he was in love with someone else, he was so checked out. I completely misread the situation. Bad Bree.

I love you, and we'll get there. I swear you'll find your way back to happy Nikki, it just is going to take some time. *Hugs*

I'm glad you had a great time, and that all the voice work you did paid off!

This week I had to work, but I was able to reflect a bit on what was a difficult last three years or so. It's seems as though just in the last three weeks as I have stabilized, I have been able to focus, be more task-oriented, yet be able to look forward, plan and conceptualize what my future might look like or what may be possible. It is always difficult to say what will happen. Yet I won't let that deter me from making sound plans for myself that are achievable. I have a few focus areas for next year: my family and friends ... work continuously to strengthen many of the life-long relationships that I've had with my friends and strengthen ties with family. Seek out allies. People who I think will support me as I transition. Make new friends and network. Spend more time with not only trans* folks but cigender folks as well so that I can start to socialize in my new role. Come up with a more solid transition plan. But at the same time, not rush into anything or put undue pressure on myself to meet a deadline. The holidays can be painful for many people. I am thankful that I was able to spend this time with my family. I've lost many people I have loved over the last couple years. And otherwise things were extremely difficult for me for several other reasons. But I am thankful. We all are happy, healthy. We have a wonderful life and home together. I am getting what I need to transition and take care of myself. And most importantly, I have the loving support of my family. Life is a struggle. Eventually, we all lose this struggle. It's what we do during the struggle, which defines who we are. And as bad as things can be, we need to look for the little things to enjoy in life. For me it is my children, the outdoors and riding my bike. And focus on the positives and what is good in a given situation. And invest in the relationships we do have. And create new lasting friendships. It costs nothing to be kind and loving to others. Don't harbor anger. Forgive and love others. Even when they seem beyond loving. It's all tough stuff. And transition is tough stuff. If anyone is struggling, please feel free to send me a message. I am here for anyone who needs it. I can be a friend if you need a friend or someone to talk to. Just let me know. I hope that everyone is having a good Christmas and has a wonderful New Year in 2016. I think that it will be a good one! (I hope ... LOL!) Love and Blessings, --Lisa

Hiya Lisa. It Is going to be a long road for me too ! I Am Not on Hormones Yet, but, I know that they would definitely help Me with the Dysphoria. We must All enjoy Our Journey's, I know that I Am. The Love, and Support, and Kindness, that All You Lovely Ladies, and Lovely Guy's, here on TGGuide have shown Me, is Very Much Appreciated, and It Is a Great Help. Lisa, Take Care, With My Love, And Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx

Thank you Veronica, Violet and Stephanie. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you too! I still have a long road ahead of me. I recognize that. I am just so thankful and glad that I have the support of ladies like you as I go through this journey. --Lisa :-) <3

Hiya Lisa. You are right about Transitioning being Tough. I must admit that I Am a much Happier, and far more Contented Person, since "Coming-Out" as a MtoF Transsexual, and living Fully, Full-Time, as the Female I Am inside. Lisa, You are so lucky, having the Love and Support of Your Family. I don't have that luxury, but, the support of My Friend's, has been terrific. One thing Us Trans-Girl's are lucky with, We can wear Beautiful, Pretty, Sexy, Female Undies and Clothes. I love wearing them. I have got quite a nice selection of Undies, Clothes, and Nightwear. I Love wearing Daisy Ballerina flat Shoes, from Long Tall Sally. Lisa, Merry Christmas 2015, And A Very Happy New Year For 2016.,Good Health, Good Luck, Every Happiness, Take Care, With My Love, And Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx