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I've been wrestling with myself about posting this today. I don't think I'm one to blow my own horn (much) but yesterday I accomplished something I've been working toward for the last few weeks. I rode my bicycle over 100 miles, from Redwood City to Cupertino, back and forth, and finally returning home almost 8 hours later. Total riding time was just over 7 hours and the difference is due to stop lights and a couple of times when I stopped to open up my little pouch to munch on a piece of Clif Bar. The last two Saturdays I've tried to reach 100, but each time just could not go farther than about 75 miles. It was like I hit a wall and if I went further I was afraid I might just pass out. I do carry four bottles of water (mixed with electrolytes) and a couple of Shot Blok packages, but I got nauseous and had to head home. Yesterday as I passed 75 miles I was definitely moving slower. I started arguing with myself: go ahead and head home, at least I'd be more than 90 miles this time! But it finally came to me, to achieve more than 90% and then give up for the last 10%? No way. And, truth be told, I don't want to do this every weekend. Too many hours. I have other things to do too, and now, next weekend, I can take a "short 50 mile" ride and feel okay about it! Why do I write about it here? I don't often consider myself as having much grit and determination. I am intimidated all the time by stuff that others just don't understand. Stupid things like trying to diagnose why my wife's computer is no longer receiving emails into her business account. Now, I know how to do this sort of thing. But I feel an anxiousness when I don't know how it will end up and can't control the outcome. So maybe that's where I'm coming from. I certainly didn't know how it would all play out when I told my wife I am transgender two years ago. At first she was devastated, assuming that our marriage was over, that the one she loved so much had betrayed her trust, and that I was destined to transition. God, that was scary and emotionally wrenching. It took a lot of work in and out of therapy, more confessions from me, and finally starting to take an SSRI that seems to be really working, for once. All my life I've had emotional issues, and have spent countless hours with a variety of therapists for the last 35 years. I kept expecting that he/she/me would discover the "one thing" that was going on for me, we'd address it, and... problem solved! It sure didn't turn out that way. Part of my problem was that I was unable to disclose my transgender feelings to them or myself. But even when I started to do so with my present therapist, three years ago, the improvement in my well-being has been so subtle and gradual, at times unnoticeable. But as I contemplate how things are going these days it's undeniable that I have made progress. I don't know what "done" is, nor do I expect it. I still have my anxieties. I did yesterday morning as I considered getting up and, once again, trying to make it to 100 miles. But I did it! You can too. Love and hugs, Emma

Been a year now never looking back, can not ever go back to that lie , Nicole is happy and applied for the jim collins grant .. almost 6 months no on hrt, living full time as me for a year now` , and moody as hell , started school with ith Voc Re hab so been busy with that and not here much , yet still kicking and a turning heads , wishing the hate for all and everyone would just stop , yet i do what i can for all, even got a homeless vet into a home recently , so ladies and gents, lot goning on wish you all the best , hope all is well and may your days be happy love and hugs ................ps don't bump into doors it hurts the chest some

Background, I was fortunate to have a lot of support with my transition, friends and acquaintance where there for me. As many here know not everyone is lucky enough to have support before and after gender reassignment surgery and believe that if possible nobody should go through this alone. With that said, this week cumulates several months of assisting a male to female person to their surgery this Thursday. When I first started off with them they had a good deal of dysphoria and not happy about going through the past few months and surgery itself by themselves. They would stay home a lot which I felt was not good for their mental health and got her to get out and do things. Over the past few weeks purchased needed items for them needed for post-op life the week after returning home e.g. K-Y products and many misc. items that some people don't think about or might be told they will need (Marci Bowers was my surgeon and had pretty much everything laid out for what I would need in detail). So at 4:30 AM on Thursday I am driving her up from Salem Oregon to Portland Oregon for surgery which is estimated to be roughly four hours and be there for her afterwards along with stopping by on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. During preparations for her surgery I also had her prepare for aftercare once leaving the hospital which lead to her talking to the few friends she has to bring her meals and check up on her from time to time (I will be checking in on her often as I work ten minutes away). This will be my third time assisting someone and know that it makes a difference when I walk into their room to find them without anyone to be with them their eyes light up when I walk in the room.

Hiya Michael. If other People cannot accept You for You, then Young Man, They are the One's who have got the Problem's. Being MtoF Myself, if other People cannot accept Me, that is Their Problem. I Am Fully; Full-Time; Female Living; and Dressing; as I have been Now, for over 15 Month's. Michael, as long as You are comfortable as Yourself Young Man, that is what matters ! Michael, Be Happy Young Man, Take Care, And My Very Best Wishes, Big Hugs, Love Stephanie. xxxxxxxx

I'm not sure how people see me either. I can only guess based on how they do or don't look (stare) at me. I think I've mentioned recently that it seems men don't even notice me for the most part. I dunno if it's because in passing they just see (or think me to be) another guy, or if they see me as a female that's "not much to look at." Women, on the other hand, do notice me. There is an age group that has no problem in just straight up staring at me in a disapproving manner - the look on their faces bordering on disgust. But every once in a while, there will be a woman cut me a glance that clearly indicates she likes what she sees. Most often though, that happens when I am in a vehicle... I did try to be like women. Make-up, jewelry, curls and smells. Until I just couldn't do it anymore. I was always nervous. And of course being nervous made me sweat more than I already did. After I started wearing men's clothes from shoes to shirts and everything in between outerwear to underwear, I realized that the female trappings are what caused me to always feel nervous - I was uncomfortable, self-conscious, unsure of myself, never felt like I measured up. I always felt like people could see my vulnerability. I'm sure that added to making me nervous. I hated going to salons, and so I too often cut my own hair. In salons, I felt naked. I felt like the women around me were able to visually completely strip me of the facade I presented, and then glare at me because they knew I wasn't supposed to be there, and I was invading one of their sacred places of womanhood. As for the binder and STP... I have to agree that those two items might cater to the psychological. I only know that I feel better in a binder and packing. When not packing, my jeans don't feel like they fit right. And then of course, that feeling of something missing is distressing. That feeling is reminiscent of when I tried to dress and act like women do, and because of that, I rarely go out without it even though I'm the only one knows that it's there. -Michael

Hey Jay, "And I'm not trying to be a 'typical male' - because there is no such thing." I seem to be in a quoting mood today (see my comment to Lisa a moment ago). But anyway, I think you're right on in all of your comments and how you present yourself: you are just yourself, simple as that. I think that's how we'd all like to be, just ourselves, take it or leave it. That takes a bravery that I don't have at least outside of our home, and I commend you. Bravo! Emma