Leaderboard

I need a suit of armor. Nikki and I have been working on increasing our outdoor holiday lighting display. I suspect mainly because I really really love sparkly lights and Nikki likes to indulge me. But as you know I've stopped working, so our budget are smaller, but no worries! PInterest to save the day! And I found a great project to add to our lighting display, only it requires working chicken wire. Chicken wire is plain evil. But it would be a lovely inexpensive base for lighting in any shapes we want, the project was for large round balls, but Nikki thinks we can manage simple trees and square gift box types of bases and we can add details with varied color light strings. I'm just so clumsy I'm a little worried I'll end up in the er again, last time I tried to wrestle chicken wire I sliced my arm elbow to wrist, and on the back of the other hand through the supposedly super tough leather gloves. Is there some sort of super secret chicken wire wrangling trick no one told me about?

Crazy times. Things have been better inside my head since cutting my dad and his toxicity out. It's been two months since anyone called me or my son stupid, loser, and waste of life. That's a plus! I had a total panic meltdown a couple weeks ago, I woke up around ten, (I still have that ongoing insomnia, and sleep very late at ngiht to late morning) and went down the stairs, and something wasn't right. The air felt...wrong. A little damp, a little too cool. And then I noticed a light pattern on the floor below me as I'm walking down the stairs that didn't make sense, it coudln't possibly be there unless....pause...no way...I'm confused clearly, because it's ten am and I'm alone in the house until one and there is NO WAY that the front door is open. So I creep down the stairs, peer cautiously around the edge of the stairwell...and...run like a lunatic back upstairs, lock myself and the dog in my bedroom, barricading it with a dresser and calling 911 cuz yup, it's WIDE OPEN and I don't know if I"m alone in the house. Fortunately it appears Nikki, despite the usual paranoia about it, forgot to lock it and it blew open. But man was the adrenaline flowing that morning! So the day after that improved greatly, Nikki took the week off before his crazy overtime season started, and we just spent it together doing whatever seemed fun at the time. There was a lot of pokemon go hunting, I have managed to appease my fitbit five out of seven days last week. So far this week fitbit appeasement has occurred 3 out of 7, I might have to up it's demand level. But it was a lovely week of just...reconnecting. We went to a public Halloween Pokemon Go costume, and he wore a female costume and had a great time. We had dinner after, and he was a big hit there too, and it was lovely getting to go out and do things with people and Nikki being comfortable about it. We've been out to restaurants in other towns, Nikki still harbors fears about the violence rations on trans people, so very much closeted in general locally still. Nikki is definitely some kind of bigender, gender fluid, some word not yet put into use. There are days where he's REALLY male inside and out, and days where he's REALLY female, inside and out, and sometimes cluing me in gets forgotten and it's sorta like a word puzzle, which mode are we in today? I confess, some days I"m just really confused, but that's okay too. I was really confused before I knew trans was a thing in my house, living with other people no matter what the details is one of the hardest things in the world. One of the most rewarding too if it's a healthy, mutual relationship, be it family, roommates, freinds, lovers, spouses, whatever. All the things they never told me about the art of living with other human beings though... It's kinds sad really, that anyone would think they have a right to care about what hes wearing/presenting/feeling to the point that they would commit violence. I don't get people. I suppose I unconsciously expect others to behave like I do. When I don't like a person or thing, I try to tactfully disengage. I don't generally want to cause harm to people, and just generally want to go my own way. I have brushed up against things in the world I don't want to be part of, but I respect other people's right to be and just want to find the nearest exit. There's room for everyone but people who serially harm others. I had a brief moment of insanity and printed out an extra copy of the professional cruise photos I was filling photo frames with here at home and gave them to my mom who is always bugging me for pictures (take and print your own lady!) and as usual no good deed goes unpunished. *headdesk* I think I still willfully blind myself to reality sometimes and expect her to act like a person, especially since I'd been forced to give up on dad and stepmom entirely. Delusion, thy name is Briannah. However, staycation is now over, and 10 hour days six a week (and eventually 7 a week) have begun, and not surprisingly Nikki is either working, eating, or sleeping. I just try to be quiet and out of the way during this time of year. It does get a little lonely, I admit. My son comes over to watch movies with me often during this time of year so I have someone to talk to. He's a good kid. Aunt wants to do Tbird day (so sad, I make a better bird, and I LOVE turkey) because she does a lot of church things and doesn't want to have to cook on Christmas, so I sat down and webcrawled, and have finally settled on a holiday menu I'm going to test drive this weekend when a friend is visiting us to make sure it's as tasty as the pictures look. Pineapple-brown sugar slow cooked spiral ham in the crock pot, sausage-apple cornbread dressing, french onion roasted red potatoes, steamed vegetables, and fresh baked rye bread. I know, I skipped out on the yams, but mom is a diabetic in denial, and I think sugaring both potatoes and the ham is Really Bad Idea. I used to be so busy trying to balance work, Grandma's care, and my home life that I just fly by nighted holiday dinners, then Nikki's dyshtymia took hold and it didn't really matter if i tired or not he was blah about it, and i just got lazy. This year he's feeling so much better, I'm doing my level best to channel my inner festive and plan ahead and do something impressive. And I've discovered pinterest! There are cool things out there! I know, I'm late everyone else in the world knows Pinterest. LOL But I just found it. So now I'm knee deep in xmas decor projects to support my awesome dinner attempt. Ambience! So that is what I've been up to, how have you all been doing? Fill me in!

Just a hug. Loneliness is one of the hardest things, and I'm happy to be here for you if you enjoy my company. Feel free to pm me for more direct contact info if you'd like.

Hugs. We've talked a lot about everything, and I completely understand how hard it is to separate what we picked up in those early formative years from today. You have my number, yes? You're always free to call if you need an ear for that! I don't have the answers, but I do have empathy and intimate familiarity with that road of what do I do with this stuff that I let hold me back forever. *hugs*

Hi Dawn, Thank you for such a sweet insight into your life and early years. I think you're very wise and treasured for being the whole person that you are regardless of the label. I suppose that's what we all want, isn't it? To simply be ourselves. You've always shown that you are delighted in your own skin in your posts and photos. Great for you! Best wishes, Emma

Another delightful thread. About Halloween and costumes, I have had the opportunity to wear several costumes lately, Green Lantern, Superman (Pink for Cancer Version), an elf and Avatar and of course as a woman(But not lately). In the last three years, I have been able to go to almost a dozen parties and face paint the kids. (I usually wear a costume/s) Besides doing the kids I usually face paint myself and paint additional examples of my work on my own arm. Rainbows, butterfly's, stars, animals and super heroes. I love to do this. It is my feminine arty nature coming out. I have now been requested at various fairs and I ask for donations. I give the money to children's programs. I too am in my 60's - still enjoying life, stretching myself and taking risks. About the first thoughts - To me being Transgender doesn't have to mean being female rather it means being closer to the attributes that are labeled as female. I now feel that my condition, who I am, is not a learned thing but rather in-bedded in my DNA. I have always been an explorer; this is my nature. Also, I visualize colors, experience touch sensations and sense sounds in a way that I believe is a female frame of mind. I remember when I found myself putting on my first feminine outfit at about six or seven years. It was a yellow sun suit with green flower embroidery on it. This along with my longer hair made me look like a girl. That was an image etched in my mind. I wore the sun suit and I wanted to show the world it was me inside it, wearing it. It was the little person, girl, me, and it was there before I ever put the item of clothing on. So the article of clothing/adornment brought out my nature and it was what is considered feminine. As I grew up took me forever to mature - most of my life my maleness consisted of being a Pixie or a Peter Pan. I also often masked some of my feelings about wanting a female body by being a clown. The clown gets to wear almost anything and can make people laugh. As a male I did not laugh. The closest I ever felt to being a male was in my Indian heritage. Wearing minimal clothing and being highly adorned. As a kid, I always felt more at home in my own skin when I was wearing feminine styled clothing. Going against the norm (Accepted by most) I am more female than most males. I have been hit on a lot - most want me because of some homosexual attraction. I am not homo. I too hate most of the base male characteristics. Dirty, unkempt, Cursing, corralling. So I am closer to female, but not female, transgender. Have a great day! Dawn

No, all dressed up and no party to go to! Really, I haven't dressed up for Halloween in more than thirty years. Our friends don't gather for Halloween except to have fun with children.

Hi Kitrah, Indeed, that's a pretty dress, and if I was your age or younger and single, it would be fun to wear. I'm happily married and sixty (but not too old looking! 😄) so I tend to want a little more conservative look. Emma