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So it's crazy busy season at Nikki's job and he hasn't had a day off in weeks. He MIGHT get one day next weekend, but it's also equally possible he'll work five weeks strait with no days off until the Christmas shutdown for the eve and day. And while he's upbeat about it, all the overtime is paying for our next cruise this spring for his birthday and his dad and stepmom are going (I love his dad, his dad is awesome. His stepmother stresses me out, shes a nice person overall, but she gets randomly weird without warning and creates really awkward and unpleasant moments out of nowhere and talks in a kindergarten singsong voice ALL the time). So that keeps him going. And in an effort to make his home time as great as I can, I spent an hour in the kitchen working on an awesome lunch. I pan fried some boneless chicken in butter, onions, and garlic, then cut it up and tossed it with four cheese tortellini and dressed it with a roasted garlic alfredo sauce after I added some extra carmelized garlic and onions to the sauce, all the while baking some fresh bread. I laid it all out on the table so he'd see it the minute he got him, and I went to the bathroom. For a minute. And when I came out...you got it...my miscreant thieving pooch was standing on a chair helping herself to our lunch. And she absolutely knew better, the minute she saw me she immediately went into the guilty phase. *headdesk* So we went out and had a nice lunch, but all that effort. At least there didn't seem to be enough onion to make her ill, onions are not healthy for dogs and I don't let her eat them. It's impossible to watch this dog 24/7, she gets into things. Two years ago there was an emergency vet run after she at THREE POUNDS of Christmas cookies. Her stomach was SO distended she couldn't stand up when I got home, and did she stop eating them at some point? No, she ate til they were gone and she couldn't stand up. *shakes her head* She didn't get to the bread, so we ate that for a snakc later, and I saved a bunch and sliced it up and am drying it out tonight to make french toast tomorrow. And...I was so mad. I didn't do anything about it but whine a bit, but sometimes the small things just get to you, ya know? People are always saying don't sweat the small stuff, but sometimes it's just about how you feel inside and not about the actual trigger of those feelings. Nikki gets me however and didn't try to put down my frustrations or minimize the annoyance while focusing on figuring out what we wanted to do now that lunch was gone. He has learned a LOT in therapy, and we have a connection better than we ever had before. And he just lets me be me, even when it's irrational and disproportionate as long as it's not manifesting in a way that would harm someone. They say people can't change, but the reality is we change every day. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. And when we spend an effort to change together, the pay off is huge. We set a game day for Thursdays to just do something fun, connect in a fun way with no stress. Mondays we have a conversation slot for anything that is on our minds, in a completely safe zone. Anything can be said, and nothing is left inside festering. Saturdays are hobby days, where I join Nikki for movies (he's way into movies, I'm not, but I bring whatever I want into the living room and work on it while watching the movie with him, compromise between my ability to just sit and watch something that makes my add crazy and his enjoyment of it). And it sounds so silly, and it did sound silly even to me when I came up with the plan. But...it's been several months now, and it's working. We don't stick strictly to the schedule, sometimes the talks are Tuesday for example and moves are Sunday, but they get done every week regardless of what day. It flies against the grain of everything I had been taught by my family about how marriage works, and I was hesitant to bring it up to Nikki, but he and I were talking about it the other day and he loves it. He doesn't always think to tell me things on his mind in the bustle of our day to day live, so cuddling up on the couch with a hot chocolate for talk time focuses him on letting me in, and gets me to open up a lot more than I do normally when I'm in the mulling it over phase. And he can poke at the add and dysmorphia in that setting without freaking me out. Things can be worked out. But only if you let yourself feel your feelings. I guess my moral of the day to myself is it's okay to be stupidly angry that my silly grand romantic dramatic plan & presentation were ruined. It's not about the dog behaving badly, or the actual food, but about all the effort I put into it and expectation of a romantic lunch time and making Nikki happy that got ruined. It's okay to be mad. It also got stupidly cold here, so I caved and gave Nikki the thermal underwear and parka jacket I got as Xmas presents. His old one was ratty and he's never liked shopping for boring old necessities. He'll shop til the end of time for cool tshirts or dresses, but getting him to spend five minutes replacing worn jackets, socks, underwear, etc and it's like I just kicked his pooch. LOL I felt bad watching him freeze when I knew I had these warm things hidden away. I'll have to get something else for under the tree now. And it really did get stupidly, abruptly cold. It's snowing. And it was raining earlier, so I'm very happy today that I don't have to go to work and deal with the ice sheet hiding under the light powder dusting. I need to make a list of staples I want to stock up so if we get any bad storms we can afford not to care about grocery shopping for a week or so.

Thank you Emma. She did it again. Apparently Nikki didn't take her to her crate when he went to bed, but she put herself in her crate before I went, so I thought she had, and she came downstairs when we were sleeping and ate the rest of the homemade bread I had out in the kitchen to dry out to make french toast. *headdesk* This dog is out to get me this week. So now Nikki and I have a strict protocol that whoever goes to bed first must take the dog with her or make sure the other person is aware to stop this scavenging monster! And today it's hit the funny stage. Yesterdays temper is today's laughter I suppose.

It didn't work out the way you meant but Nikki knows what you do for him, and you both are doing great. Hang in there kiddo. Emma

I've never been on your road, but I do understand it is a hard one and I think you handle it with a great deal of humor, grace, and self-awareness that will help you on this journey. I wish you all the success in the world and an awesome life to fill your future!

Hey Charl, thank you so much for your kind words and support xx yes it is so good too when I see a trans people being open and showing support like all of us lovely people who post on here. Congratulations for your 12 years! well done you should be so proud. Please by all means show anyone who might find this post helpful or even just posting on social media.

Hey Blair As always, I'm a big fan of your videos and love reading your posts. When I was younger I went through drug addiction / recovery. It's wonderful to see you writing about your journey. And it makes me proud to see trans folk like us being open and showing other folks who went through or who are still going through this difficult stuff that recovery is a long road, but a worthwhile one. I'm 12 years sober. Keep at it. Always love seeing your work. Love Charl

Hi Emma, I can share some of your reflections and add some of my own. I remember playing mummy in the Wendy house as a five year old too, playing tea parties. Joining the girls and wanting to be one of them. It was ok for them to play with me if they were alone but not so much when they were in a gang. They wanted to be mummy or a model and being a boy I was last in line for that role I was also confused and just didn't understand why I had a boys body when I was a girl. I had no interest in being a boy and so I became isolated. My boy friends were always those like myself who didn't quite fit in. Well no good getting maudling. I know I learned that it was wrong to be how I felt and learned how to suppress it even at that early age. My shame and guilt guided me into pretending to be a boy. My advice to anyone reading this is not to do as I had to. Things are so much more open now. Don't build walls around yourself to keep yourself safe. Take a risk, knock down the walls and take your inner girl out to play. She will love you for it. X

Dear Briannah and Emma, Strongly agree with the both of you. In fact, I will take it farther. Feel that no two marriages are the same. They are as unique as the two people involved! Your friend, Monica

Well said, Bree. Like so many things, I could've lived my life and marriage(s) much better but for a lot of things. I remember when in my twenties I just didn't comprehend wisdom. I assumed it was all talk that was used to invalidate me. About four decades later I get it. I certainly wish I knew then what I know now! And yes, truthfulness and open communication are everything. I was sort of open to my wife about my TG feelings before we married and about ten years ago. By "sort of" I told her what I thought I knew, which was very very hard for me given how much shame I carried around it. And when my feelings were categorically denied I suppressed as best I could (and I was well practiced in that) until almost three years when she encouraged me to return to therapy and fortunately, the therapist was encouraging and supportive in my oh so slowly and painfully letting it out. Which led to my exploration, research, and what I feel is much better understanding of who I am and self-acceptance. But now my knowledge that I am transgender is looking like it may be a deal breaker for our marriage. At first I was so deeply hurt by that understanding. I justified that hurt by telling myself that my being trans can be considered similar to other conditions that might arise, such as cancer, dementia, etc. But those are diseases and being trans is not at all in that category. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that if my being trans is a deal breaker for her then it is what it is. It's tragic for both of us and fault-free for both of us. Who knows why it bothers her so much but that doesn't really matter. I could try to guilt her into trying to become more accepting and maybe through that hope that she'd gradually become accepting. But that's no way to live for either of us. I think now that a fundamental characteristic of a successful/happy marriage is unconditional acceptance. Without that there is always that elephant in the room. But I also believe that unconditional acceptance doesn't have to mean that (for example) she needs to delight in my coming into the room wearing a dress. That would be great but maybe there is another way for us to achieve that. I don't know what it is and I'm willing to explore it with her if she's willing. Of that I'm not certain at this time. I'm exploring that with her in the coming weeks and maybe months. I do certainly agree with your characterization of the "defense of marriage." It's all hyperbole used as a way to justify fear-based prejudices and concerns that are baseless and otherwise unsupportable. I don't know why some people feel that way. I could guess and maybe I'd be close to the truth. My hurling attacks at them doesn't do any good so I don't bother. I just try to support what I believe in and live as good a life as I can. You're a wise woman, Bree. Thank you for your posts. Emma

Hiya Blair Jamie. Sweetheart, I AM Not going to Judge You, in Any Way, or Shape, or Form Young Lady. I Congratulate You, for the fact that You are looking to go into Detox. Babes, I AM So glad, that You and Your Sister's, have Come-Back together, as a Close-Unit. I Hope that Your Transitioning is going Okay now Honey. Blair Jamie, I Am unable to run at All, due to Osteo-Arthritis, but, I do try to Walk, as much as My Body will allow Me to. Good on You for doing Your Run's though. Please Keep In Touch Honey, and if You would like to talk Privately Honey, Please feel free to P.M. Me. Blair Jamie, Good Luck , Take Care Young Lady, With Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx