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I think it's way to easy to forget that those label's are the start of a conversation, not the end. They're a way to indicate a common ground, I'm a nerd, I'm an animal lover, I'm a mother, but then the individuality needs to be explored after. Examples of what I mean: I'm a nerd, as in I like a lot of the nerdy entertainments and science, but I can't hack or program a computer. I'm an animal lover, but I like to eat meat and believe in the cycles of life, including death(for the record I am againts eating endangered species though, they need to be preserved until they have a healthy enough population again, other animals are eating them they don't need to feed us too until a healthy balance can happen). I'm a mother, but I don't fit in with a lot of of the other mothers who want to shield the children from everything, I believe just talk about topics to the kids and adjust them to the real world they'll have to enter when they are grown anyway in small steps as you encounter it. Everyone has labels, mass mass plural. No one has just one label. Reven in ALL of them my friend!

Although professionals and others, after reviewing my history and story, have assured me that I am transgender that's been a hard pill to swallow at times. I always come way wondering if I might have consciously or unconsciously told them only what I wanted them to know or in a way that manipulates their judgement. And even if I accept that I've been as transparent as I can be I have then questioned their authority to make the determination. This has all been so exhausting, like running the wheel in a hamster cage. But I think I'm coming to an acceptance that I am what I am, and I am transgender. I hope this blog post will provide an example that might help others struggling with this question. So here's what I did: a couple of months ago I started compiling a history of memories and trans feelings/experiences that I grouped into categories by age and school (for when I was younger). Not all of my memories came to me at once so I added as I thought of more of them. It helped to write them down because it's so hard to keep all those details in mind. That process helped a lot but it wasn't complete. A few days ago I added a one or two sentence summary of that time period that kind of distills what came up for me during that time period. Wow. It is what it is and at this point I think it's undeniable. Here's the whole thing as of today: Emma’s TG History <6 years: preschool and kindergarten Where I discovered my shame about wanting to be girly and do girly things, and the powerful need to keep it strictly hidden from others. But as an only child where did that shame come from? I assume I learned it from my mother, before I have memories, when I rebelled against her making me be a boy. Wore out my baby blanket’s satin edging; I loved the feel of it.Twirling like a ballerina at another child’s birthday party; ashamed and stopped before “being caught.”Wanted to learn to curtsey with the girls in preschoolPlaying with the girls in the kindergarten kitchenettes; afraid of the boys play and what they would thinkPlaying with neighbor friend (who much later came out as gay): making up stories with little characters6-12 years: grade school Like a sponge I soaked up knowledge about girls and women, contemplated what it would be like, and fostered fantasies. I spent hours surreptitiously investigating in magazines, newspapers, television, and catalogs. Wanted to be a Blue Bird in 1st gradeWished I could be a mermaidWanted stirrup pants like the girls: how would they feel to wear?Rolled up in my Nana’s satin comforter; shamed by her to stop. Playground: with the girls playing hopscotch, gymnastics on barsUnexpressed wishing mother would buy leotard and tights for meBedtime fantasies of being dressed as a girl, transported away into space. Or, dressed in a harem girl’s costume, living in an I Dream of Jeanie bottle, with Jeanie.Fixated on catalog with sleeping bra, wanting one, trying to figure out how to order and receive it secretly.TV: That Girl, Girl from UNCLE, Flying Nun, The Avengers, I Dream of Jeanie, BewitchedFavorite movies: Patty Duke, The Sound of Music, Three Lives of ThomasinaWanted to be able to cry and wear a ring like a girl at school13-18 years: junior and high school Covert actions taken to experience clothing, the good feelings that emerged were undeniable. "Subtly" trying to encourage mother to buy a tutu for meHand-sewing camisole and romper out of rags while parents at AA meetingsTrying on girdles from Goodwill bagCutting panties from discarded pantyhose to wear under clothing or to bedBought black long-sleeved leotard at dance clothing store; returned a year later to buy black tights. I had to wait or risk their remembering me.Wearing mother’s swimming suit when parents were out for the eveningLake Berryessa: bought pantyhose to wear and hang out in, on weekend alone. It felt marvelous but lonely.Wanted to crossdress with girlfriend; she was okay with it but I was too cautiousStole girl's skirt, top, and slip from restaurant restroom Continually looking for discarded/lost girl’s clothing Found yellow girly panties on lawnFound multicolored panties in HS parking lot18-24 years: college More clothing and my first-time experience going out dressed. But otherwise a low point in my TG world as I tried to be what I was supposed to be. Stole blue leotard from clothes wash room in dormHalloween: dressed as coed (skirt, girls sweater) for party, loving it and yet feeling so alone, afraid to show that I loved it too much and that I’d be found out.Twenties More clothing and dressing. Found navy blue dance panties in parking lotBought leotard and tights at dance storeBought leotard at flea marketHalloween (1981): on the Castro as a nurse. What a great time I had, just being me if only for a few hours.Halloween (1982): on the Castro as a bride. Not quite as much fun but a good time nonetheless.Wearing leotard/panties during sexThirties Explorations, confronting fears by buying clothing. Wearing panties and nightgown during sexVisited TV/TS bar in Munich: a long walk from my hotel but I left shortly after arrival; too scared.Foxy Lady Boutique – SF: dress and lingerieLingerie boutique - Mountain View: corset and stockingsForties Exploring what it means, terrified to come out and be accepted. Once again, full withdrawal. Accumulating very small wardrobeKOA Santa Cruz: much research, writing, desperate for acceptance and understanding. Drove to LA to crossdressing clothing store; bought a dress, lingerie.Delivered overly comprehensive report to my wife that I hoped she would see it all as no big deal. Just the opposite, she was devastated.Serious suicide considerationsCarla's Boutique: bought dress, bra, otherFifties Discovering the new transgender vocabulary, that being trans is inborn, not a choice. Wondering how far on the spectrum I will need to travel. Finally: full disclosure with therapist, wife, and gender therapist. Bringing leotard and tights on business tripsIt all emerges again: much more explorationConfrontations with my wifeSerious suicide attempts, much considerationClothing bought on Amazon, REI, Carla’s, dance store…Gender therapist’s confirmationAttended TG/TS group meetings at Carla's and with gender therapistParticipation in on-line support groups TGGuide and CrossdreamLifeWearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bedSixties With disclosures, my shame is about gone. Still hard to accept this reality at times. What will I do if my marriage collapses and I’m on my own? Realization that I'd always wanted to be small and treasured: does that mean female, or perhaps loved by my mother? I think it's the former but it's probably both.Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bedComing out to family and friends: all going relatively wellIncreasingly accepting that I do not see a need to socially or surgically transitionAttended TDoV, TDoR in San Francisco; surprised I don’t feel much of a bond with these people.Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book and workbook: worked through the exercises, provided her with edits for her next edition.

I have Nikki germs. Decided to share the cold germs with me, ah the joys of marriage. MEH! I'm going to go whine at my favorite stuffed turtle for a while.

Nikki's passport has wandered off somewhere, again. And I"m only 60 percent sure mine is still where I remember it being. I honestly think these things are alive, aware they are at the end of their lifespan, and Really Angry about that. (I have to renew them next year, and I never renewed them before, and I'm disproportionately freaked out by official things I've never done before). And I still have to organize excursions (we like to have them ordered and paid before we go, the less we spend on the trip the less we risk whatever they call that when the numbers get big and you start spending like crazy because it seems a little unreal. There' sa name for the psychological effect but I cant' remember it. Reason number two we're postponing Assateague til next year when we're not planning to cruise. I'm super excited to share all my memories physically with Nikki though of that island. I'm really excited that there are beaches in my future. I really miss living on a coastal state. I lived in the center of the state, nearly the real center weirdly both north/south and east/west so I wasn't right on the coast, but depending on the winds some days when it was warm the sea winds were strong and blowing in ward you could get whiffs of the sea even as far inland as we were. And of course, an half to full hours ride depending on which beach was desired and a coupla bucks of parkway money (and I'm so odd, I know, but I loved throwing money at the little funnels and going, it always struck me as hilarious!) and some really frustrating circling trying to find a parking spot later and you could be on the beach. I would love to be coastal again. Even though I have recently learned there is actually a sand crisis on pretty much every beach on the world, and everyone is angry at Africa for not sharing their sand, i guess from teh Sahara? Crazy right? Heck, I have this silly wish to go home, and live in New Jersey again. Surprisingly a lot of the people from my childhood and early adulthood are still there and in touch. But it's crazy expensive, and impractical. But that's what dreams are for right? I'm such a cliche, I spent all my time in Piscataway wanting out, and now i just want back in. Go figure. It's one of the two places I dream of living when I'm not focused on making where I actually live more pleasant, the other being with the palm trees and lizards in Florida. I wouldn't be sad to have warmish winters. Speaking of winter, we're in full swing yo you mode here. It's rained or snowed ever day for roughtly 9 days or so now. The sky is angry, and it's mostly been cold, with a few abrupt swings to the 60's. WEATHER GONE WILD! Oh, and I have to share this so you ladies can all be weirded out with me. We're out driving, and definitely in town proper, when suddenly...PIG! A real live, sorta goofy looking, black pig in someone's lawn. I can only assume it's their pet, but it was outside in an unfenced lawn unattended. So I guess it's a well behaved pig? I'm going to guess a female Vietnamese potbelly pig on the basis that it was vaguely shaped like one of those and had no tusks, but I have zero pig knowledge so feel free to laugh at my identification attempts. It was just so bizarre and unexpected. And this is from a someone who lives here, where there used to be a guy who kept a bear in a dog kennel by the river. Ya know, the more I talk about it with you guys, the more I realize my life is sorta weird. Even by my standards. Pull up a hot chocolate (or beverage of your choice) and enjoy the weird with me. Share your weird. It's fun!

So. It took me 12 years of alarm clocks, schedules, and struggles with insomnia and exhaustion to get my body to a roughly midnight to 8 am sleep schedule. Where I still needed the alarm clock, but most days I woke up without it or just before it went off. But there was that knowledge that it wasn't fully reliable and I had better have that thing set so I didn't get fired. And it's taken roughly...four weeks to end up back on my native 4 am to noon sleep habit. And now I get tired around the same time every night. I am asleep within a half hour generally of hitting the pillow, I still get the occasional insomnia I can't sleep for a few hours, but it's been twice in the last three months, not four times a week like before. I don't need sleeping pills four outta seven nights a week anymore. I sleep solidly around 8 hours. I no longer have this exhausted desperate need for a nap in the middle of the day anymore. I occasionally do enjoy a nap, but it's not the same I need one every day or I fall apart in the evenings. Why am I talking about this? Because many people kept telling me that sleep schedules are easily adjusted, and completely overlook the physical effects side of changing it. Evolution has NOT caught up with our modern lives. We evolved multiple internal sleep clocks as a survival tool, someone in the group was always awake to alert the others to dangers. But a tool that worked for us for thousands of years didn't just vanish. I'm not saying it won't evolve out. Our brains a whole still are, the shapes of cars in the last couple of decades has been added to the 'instant recognition of a basic shape that is not a threat moving around us' reflex. That was a fascinating article, about how we subconsciously identify threat vs. harmless by overall silhouette shape, and what has been introduced to that catalog in our brains. Even for children and people who don't drive, because they are such a common thing in our world now. But people in places where they are not have not added the shape. Sorry, got off on a tangent. Night owls unite. We just are what we are. And if you're like me and just can't adjust to the day shift world, do try to find a night shift somehwere, you're body will be happier for it.

This morning I came across this wonderful post on Joanna Santos' blog: https://joannabefree.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-own-coming-out.html I know we don't typically reference sites off of TGG but I feel this is important. There, she posts a video that really resonated with me, that labels such as gay, male, white, transgender, etc., may set us up for "us vs. them" feelings, thus leading to isolation and our considering ourselves only within that label, which is only a part of our overall self. I've recently been thinking, okay I am transgender but that is not all that I am. But it kind of felt that way. Worse, I fear my wife feels this way, too. It's as if my being trans is the only thing now. And neither of us want that. In the video the person (can't recall his name) makes the point that if we say "I have gender dysphoria" that we can more naturally consider things like:1. How will I accept, manage, and live with my gender dysphoria?2. What does gender dysphoria mean for me in the context of my total life?I think that is healthy to consider. I recently came out to a couple of our friends as transgender. They were okay with it at least to my face but now I think I may return to them and refine myself as "I'm me, with gender dysphoria." I mean, who cares what the label is? I'm simply working on ways to manage my dysphoria (which is undeniable) and be happy as a total person, with my wife, friends, and doing whatever it is that we do.

Hi Christie, Thank you very much for supplying your thoughts and feedback. As I imagine you saw in yesterday's blog post (and perhaps getting weary of hearing me say it) I am yet again accepting the fact that I'm transgender. So, that's a label I wear and it's the one I've used when coming out recently to family and friends. For most the way I started the conversation was by saying something that is very true for me, "since I was about 4 or 5 years old I always wanted to play on the girls' team." I wanted to be a girl, plain and simple. And now at 60 I'm not sure what other label I should use for myself or if I even need one. I don't know what I feel comfortable with. I imagine that will come with time and experience. Hi Bree, Excellent points my friend. In fact I was thinking that way exactly as I mentally prepared to come out to my sons, and I hoped it would start a conversation. I did give them the first line that I quoted above, and then as a follow on said that I am transgender. For my 28 year old, it was the start of a lot of talk, emails, and SMSs over the following week or so. It was fun for me because he was so interested in learning more, and completely accepting. For my 32 year old it was more of a quick, "Okay, you're transgender, and no, I don't need to know more than that." He didn't say it negatively and since I had no idea how to interpret his response I let it go. We spent the rest of the time just catching up on our lives and plans. Take care and be well! Emma

Emma, There's a lot packed into this post - let me start by saying that I think everyone should be free to identify as they will (within reason of course, if I tried to identify as black for example I would expect to be challenged or flat-out mocked). I think it changes the conversation a bit to look at identities vs labels - it feels to me a little more substantive and whether we like it or not identity differences do exist and they do matter (they may be social constructs but even a social construct is real). I could, for example, claim that my being white isn't important - but since white is a "privileged" identity I would be wrong. Anyway, being trans is obviously different (since there is no such thing as "trans privilege") so I agree that we are each free to incorporate it into own lives as we want. Personally I've gone from highlighting it ("trans woman") to burying it ("woman") to pushing it back ("woman who is transgender") - and I generally only mention it to people as we get closer. One other thing - to one of Monica's points - to me being transgender is part of me body, mind, and soul - for some it may be primarily in the mind, but I don't think that's universal by any means. Xoxo Chrissy

There are some broad tendency (probably from social upbringing) differences between men and women. And one of those differences is staring at me from catching up on Deadly women (and other forensic shows, I have some weird obsession with forensics, I don't even know why). This is in regard to premeditated murder, not heat of the moment kind where everyone male or female has just lost their minds for a minute. When a guy is going to kill you, most of the time he just does it, and fairly quickly upon deciding it has to be done. When a woman is going to kill you, it reaches some insane levels of crazy detail planning and some really long term patience. And we tend to like poisons in general. Sometimes accidents, but we seem to have picked that up from the guys who often try to use accidents to cover it up and in a general sweep (or at least what cases they decided to feature) we really like poison. Not suprising I guess, we know a lot about them in our day to day role as keepers of the house. Very few women don''t know the dangers of the household chemicals and pest controls we use. Why do they still get caught? Because male and female murderers share a similar thought processes again; most of them don't think or plan beyond the actual murder to what to do with the body and evidence. I'll just not kill anyone and make my life easier both without all the time and mental effort required to plan and then physical effort to carry out and clean up and the jail part. Still cold ridden, but Nikki fed me chicken soup, I have my plush turtle, my favorite Halloween microfiber blanket, this cushy recliner, my Ipad, and more episodes of Deadly Women to entertain me while my head feels like it weights a few extra tons. I think I'll make it. Tangent - this is why that commercial for the flu shot is so stupid. They keep showing this commercial showing people missing out on life moments because they are sick, and they imply that if they had their flue shot it wouldn't have happened. So while hopefully they got the flu strains in the shot right this year and I won't get the flu (because I got the real influenza a couple of years ago, not the stomach 'flu' or heavy cold 'flu' people associate with the word and I heartily respect flu now, and now understand why it can kill people) it doesn't save you from other ailments. Colds, strep throat, GI infections, etc. In other words, flu shot taken, but plush Mr. Turtle has job security anyway. Don't show us a birthday party with a woman who looks like she has a cold, advertise how many people actually died of it last year (because they did). I totally respect death statistics when considering if I should get a immunization. Get your immunizations folks, let's all live!

2017 A New Line Drawn In The Sand So here we are, yet another year. 2016 was to say the least not a year that brought much happiness or progress in my life. It’s funny to think just how life works out; at the start of 2016 I was in such a good place. I felt I had done the right things and had done what people had told me to do to succeed in life: however the thing is no matter what you do in life, no matter how much you plan, pray, achieve or succeed, the world, life and maybe even destiny has a completely different road for you in store that will end up leaving you clueless, scratching your head wondering why? My journey has not been a straight line and I know it sounds cheesy but quite often has been up and down, zig zags, twist, speed bumps and sometimes even at time complete 360’s. As of this time last year exactly I wrote in my (what is a very expensive diary) by Demi Lovato is this following entry ‘Dear Diary… First things first I can’t believe I'm actually writing in the 35 dollar book. TBH it is a big rip off. Are the pages made out of the most exquisite paper? Anyways what’s going on with me? I kind of love this busy period of my life. It makes me feel that I have a grasp on life. Work is going good and I am little excited to see where this will leave me. Summer school tomorrow. Hope I can continue the motivation and complete everything I need. Frightened yet excited…” This is compared to a diary entry I wrote in late august 2016 of some lyrics I quoted of a song that represented everything I felt to the core of inside me. ‘Your memory is breaking my heart. Ill pretend I'm okay with it all. Act like there’s nothing wrong. Is it over yet, can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry? “ My 2016 self was to be very correct in her concerns and she sure should have been frightened for what would soon come. Who knew the person writing this would have left school only 2 months later, on a bender of drugs and crime that never ended. It’s a very hard thing move on after you've had so much pain, loss and suffering followed with making bad choice after bad choice and crossing that line so many times, that you’re so far distanced past that line you begin to barley remember it exists, why it was there to even begin with. I’ve been travelling over that line since I was 13 and sometimes I do have to wonder if I’ve travelled so far past it and stamped so many times across it, that my own line doesn't exist or it is so far dusted out that if not at all gone, barely visible where I'm far beyond ever getting back to that little girl I left behind that line. Maybe it’s time to take my own advice and acknowledge that little girl, the pain and damage I and others have inflicted and draw a new line in the sand with a hope of a better tomorrow' This is 2017 though I remind myself, let’s try and reflect as much as we need to in order to learn, process and move forward with our lives however not dwelling on the past and finding that balance between reflection and then moving forward. A lot of my previous blog post since deciding to get clean have been about self-reflection and about the bad times throughout 2016 and telling some of the impacts of those bad times and choices throughout 2016 had on me from physically throughout to socially, emotionally etc. I admit to you that I do write those blog posts in order to try and help others on their journeys, bringing some awareness and doing whatever I can by speaking out. I also admit I get more out of writing it for my readers then my readers get reading it. I thank all my readers who read my stuff whether it be friends, family or someone from around the globe. You all help me get to a place where I am now, I can’t even express in words what I get out of writing this. This moves me onto my next thing I wish to talk about in my new year, a new chapter. Being in my second detox stay. Being herein such difficult times such as being in here throughout new years and being in here with such strong incredible people and hearing their stories has washed over a me a sense of gratitude and appreciation for the life that I lead and all the gifted things I have been blessed with and not just from now but since I was brought into this earth. So many young people out there have been dealt such a shit hand in life since the beginning whether it is from physical abuse, being in foster care, being kicked out of home or even left homeless. I hear such sad Stories and even remarks... Wait scratch that, NOT SAD stories BUT courageous, strong and inspiring stories of such young courageous lionhearted beautiful people. These stories and remark s make me so grateful for all that I have been given, such as loving and kind parents and family, a roof over my head with heat and food plus filled with privileges of nurture and celebration. I think it is so important to have a grateful heart. I have written before in a previous post about the importance of gratitude and appreciation but I feel each day I learn just how much this is true. I am thankful for my second chances, the ability to be able to live in a world filled with services and places that are graciously there to help you along your journey, my second chance at VCE and like above my loved ones followed with finally my sobriety. Thank you so much for reading this, like I've said I've gotten so much out of this and I appreciate all the kind and supportive comment and messages. Please if you think my blog can help anyone out there please put them on to it. I am always free for a chat if anyone wishes to talk. ‘Dare to be something more’ Hunter hayes

Please, everyone, consider MUST VIEWING of Emma's link. The transwoman who was the love of my life, she did not do hormones and had no surgery, but I considered her as much a woman and lady as any transwoman. Refused to pressure her to have hormones and surgery, and, in fact, I encouraged her to take her time. She was very lucky to be in a very supportive transgender support group who pressured no one. Being transgender has everything to do within your head and very little to do with the body, in my opinion. Must confess, I asked my beloved to present herself as a woman and as a lady in my presence. My beloved's health was my primary concern.