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So. It took me 12 years of alarm clocks, schedules, and struggles with insomnia and exhaustion to get my body to a roughly midnight to 8 am sleep schedule. Where I still needed the alarm clock, but most days I woke up without it or just before it went off. But there was that knowledge that it wasn't fully reliable and I had better have that thing set so I didn't get fired. And it's taken roughly...four weeks to end up back on my native 4 am to noon sleep habit. And now I get tired around the same time every night. I am asleep within a half hour generally of hitting the pillow, I still get the occasional insomnia I can't sleep for a few hours, but it's been twice in the last three months, not four times a week like before. I don't need sleeping pills four outta seven nights a week anymore. I sleep solidly around 8 hours. I no longer have this exhausted desperate need for a nap in the middle of the day anymore. I occasionally do enjoy a nap, but it's not the same I need one every day or I fall apart in the evenings. Why am I talking about this? Because many people kept telling me that sleep schedules are easily adjusted, and completely overlook the physical effects side of changing it. Evolution has NOT caught up with our modern lives. We evolved multiple internal sleep clocks as a survival tool, someone in the group was always awake to alert the others to dangers. But a tool that worked for us for thousands of years didn't just vanish. I'm not saying it won't evolve out. Our brains a whole still are, the shapes of cars in the last couple of decades has been added to the 'instant recognition of a basic shape that is not a threat moving around us' reflex. That was a fascinating article, about how we subconsciously identify threat vs. harmless by overall silhouette shape, and what has been introduced to that catalog in our brains. Even for children and people who don't drive, because they are such a common thing in our world now. But people in places where they are not have not added the shape. Sorry, got off on a tangent. Night owls unite. We just are what we are. And if you're like me and just can't adjust to the day shift world, do try to find a night shift somehwere, you're body will be happier for it.

Maybe! It's our shift to guard the group right now! *winks* I'm always sorta obsessed with figuring out how I (and others) work, and I pick up the weirdest bits of information. Nikki's in the same schedule, But Nikki seems more soft-set, it's a natural preference, but he can adjust fairly easily as opposed to my ridiculous insomnia and I actually get ill when I travel more than an hour or so out of my time zone. Nikki was all we should do Hawaii someday, and I"m all SERIOUSLY? Alaska at four hours nearly killed me (and my son, we were so sick, and neither of us is prone to seasickness, and we were ill for three to four weeks after coming back, which is why the doctor explained all this to me)! Hawaii is six! And not having been there, I can't say for fully certain, but I'm fairly sure that they would prefer i NOT invade their space to spend a week or two praying to the porcelain god instead of Pele. Sometimes Nikki knows me really well, sometimes I have to ask if my spouse has ever in fact actually met me. LOL Hawaii. Nikki can go and bring me back pictures and some of that white ginger perfume my aunt brings me back, that stuff smells good. But only the good perfumes, the cheap white ginger smells weird. May favorite perfume (and I think it was a knock off maybe of something else ) was called Muesli or something like htat. It was close to the breakfast food but spelled slightly different, and it smelled exactly of lily of the valley flowers. My aunt was constantly on me that it was an old ladies perfume, but my childhood is drenched in the smell of honeysuckle and lily of the valley, so I didn't care. Let people think I smell old, I was wearing my childhood dang it! I need to find some of that stuff, I'd forgotten about it. Sorry, add. I ramble in a path that doesn't even always make sense to me.

OMG, are you my long-lost sister? I have the hardest time with a "normal" sleep schedule, and whenever I end up with a few days of vacation, I end up sliding back to my old "night owl" habits. Now I'm glad I can just blame evolution! -Sara

Today is St. Distaff's Day. Compitalia, celebrating the household Gods. Today we honor Frigg and her followers, the "Freefolk". "Partly work, and partly play Ye must on Saint Distaff's Dayu" the old adage goes. It is also time for me to "shield in place". I need to take a break from the constant ups and downs regarding "my" dysphoria. My affliction. Tired of facing inward and trying to fix something that in the scope of my life? A lot less of an "issue" than it needs to be, considering. What? Well, let's throw out some things shall we? I have recieved some excellent "counseling" from someone who says my dysphoria is NOT my biggest concern. OK. Good to know. My counselor is a pretty decent person. Specializies in helping people who's professional lives expose them to some very traumatic stuff. I was amazed at how good this person was at getting me to talk. Good to find someone I can be comfortable with. A person that is familiar with the "problems" people who work in compartmented "projects" all they're lives can develop. I thought I was lossing it to Paranoid schizophrenia! The counselor just laughed at me and said "No, that's called self preservation. Johnathan Pollard actually existed. That actually happened. Your pretty much screwed for the rest of your life, just stay frosty and relax". Showed me this picture and said if you can balance these? Your mental health issues will be skosh. When I broached "dysphoria"? Push me over with a feather, the counselor replied "You'd be astounded to know just how many people I deal with could use a little clarity on THAT subject". Love them Doc's that don't beat around the bush! How is your 2017 going to go? I have a good idea of how mine is going to go. Lots and lots of time in medical facilities. Lots of appointments. Lots of testing. I am VERY HAPPY about that. This flurry of medical activity surrounds my Soulmate and not me. She is FINALLY going to get the medical assistance and screening that she deserves. She is. not me. I am working on my "blackouts" and my manic depression issues, but for now, I am good. I have a mea culpa. I have NOT been a good spouse for a while. My prediliction with my tripartite self. I have been selfish. So, there you go. "Ronnie" is a steady state for me. 50/50. MODLOC. I have a lot of "new" things to deal with. I can NEVER drive a car on public roads EVER again, unless it is the most dire of emergencies. I can't get on an airliner. I wouldn't be able to fly a plane. I'm not even supposed to operate power tools without supervision anymore! But that doesn't mean I have to stop living or caring about the awesome folks I've met here. I was going to leave this site and then I thought, why? It can help me. Hopefully, I can be of help to someone else. I have 41 and in a less than a month, 42 Y E A R S invested in the person that I DO love most. Violet pretty much is my Universe and she deserves better from me. Sure, some will say that I may be "disengenious" with regard to the "community". That I am not being "true" to myself. Really? I exist in a different "plane" than most people. The person who is my betrothed is also a Petty Officer in the US NAVY, like I am. She saved my life. That's what she does. She can make a towering Marine break out in a sweat by snapping a rubber band, holding a syringe and saying "Need to draw some labs". The only things that can make the USMC hesitate? Godzilla and Hospital Corpsman. Oops, my bad. Hospital Corpsman THEN Godzilla. Got to preserve the natural order of things as the Creator has made them. Nope, for me? This fight isn't about a community. It's about my sanity and I am the ONLY one that can fight it and that means being in it to win it. I may never be "complete", but I promise, I will try NOT to be boring. But I'm not that salty so having a wingman? PRICELESS. I know she always has my back. BRAVO ZULU Doc! So for this new blog, I chose "Scutum" because I need a shield right now. Something that will insulate me from the Demon I have just gotten to go back to sleep. Scutum is called "Sobieski's Shield" in some places in Europe. Jan III Sobieski was a bad ass. Your writings here and how you look at the World and what you are doing to cope and just the minutiae of our everyday existence can be the exact thing I need to stabilize when I start to get wiggy! 2 anchors are better than one. I have Violet and I have you all. I am blessed. Monsters from the id. They're real.

Hi Ronnie, So glad to see you're hanging in there! All the best to both you and Vi, and CONGRATULATIONS on 42 years! That's awesome! And no worries, my friend, I have NEVER known you to be boring! Take care! -Sara

Thank you, but definitely not anytime soon, our next few cruises are all planned with other people where it would be awkward. Nikki still wants to chill out in the closet, but I will bookmark that for future use just in case. Edited cuz I hit the wrong button and sent too soon. I'm not surprised that everyone was pretty respectful, cruises have their own sort of culture where everyone is super happy, super distracted by all the sights, sounds, tastes, and activities, and it's almost like everyone is your new best friend. This will be our 8th time, and only twice did I meet people I would actively prefer not to have. One was the drunk guy who fell on me in the elevater and was just going to stay there until teh guys from Oklahoma hauled him off me and rescued me (this guy was beyond three sheets to the wind, I'm surprised he wasn't dead from alcohol poisoning, I kept running into him all week and he was drinking ALL THE TIME, early morning to latenight) and the weird couple who pretended we weren't at the table with them at dinner one evening, which was weirdly awkward because it was a table for four and despite the fact that they chose not to be involved, it still FELT weird to try to carry on a conversation with each other that didn't include the two people across from us. Most awkward cruise meal ever, and that includes the time my cousin K winged someone in the had with a flying escargot.

Dear Emma and Bree, The travel agency is transgender owned and operated: http://transgendervacations.net Yours truly, Monica

Dear Bree and Emma, Had come across a travel agent that catered to the transgendered (cruises) but the groups were small (under 20) and the rest of the ship were non-transgendered, but everyone respected each other. Saw a video of the cruise and was very impressed. No longer on their listserv, but I will try to Google them and see if I can find them. Yours truly, Monica

So..had those amazing flourless chocolate cakes before. They are awesome, I love them. Something that awesome had to be complicated...but...you can make a version with three ingredients and it's awesome. Basically it's like a really chocolately dense souffle, made from eggs, chocolate and butter. That blows my mind. I have a tendency to overcomplicate a lot of things, and simple things blow me away. Now if you'll excuse me, I require some chocolate chips to make a cake apparently.

I hope you have a great deal, and good luck finding that balance! IT's the most simple and most complex thing in the world, learning to balance ourselves within and with the outside world in my personal opinion! As for 2017, I have no idea. I learned a hard lesson in 2011, which was the year I thought it was all going to be fixed. Nikki had just gotten the job back after a 2 year layoff of job hunting, take jobs with those 90 days before hirein where they know they are going to lay people off after 89, and scrabbling around to make ends meet. So when he got his regular job with the good pay and the benefits back at the end of 2010, we thought 2011 was going to be the year we put it all back together. Then maternal grandma announced lung cancer. Paternal grandma had an accident in the care home, and we had to decide if we were going to use lifesaving measures or not (I was on the side of letting nature take it's course, her alzhiemers was so advanced she didn't know who she or anyone else was anymore or what was going on most of the day, she wouldnt' have understood post surgical care). Then the aunt called after she passed, da stopped the burial and required an autopsy, which was inconclusive if she had been the victim of a legitimate accident or abuse. Then a college friend of Nikki's died out of the blue, 34 years old I think he was at the time. Then I fell down the stairs and broke my knee. Then we got robbed. Finally 2011 gave us a break we thought, and maternal grandma beat the lung cancer! Yay! Only to find out two months later it had mestatized to her liver and kidneys and she passed a week before the big surprise birthday we'd planned for her that turned into her memorial. Ever since, I have decided the year will be whatever it's going to be, and I don't pin any hopes on it. LOL

Hey Ronnie, Good to see you back. Now you're my brother? Bro! I'm cool with that. We're a family here on TGGuide and love to hear from friends and relatives. I think it's wonderful that you're making some progress with your health as well as (of course) Vi's. Good for you that you found a counselor to talk things over with. He sounds terrific. And for you not being as good a spouse as you should have been? I know of the guilt and remorse of that, and not to compare severity, I think we all do. The important thing is to not dwell on the past as much as do what you can today and tomorrow. And it really sounds like you are. Keep it up my friend, great to hear from you! Best wishes to Violet. Emms