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This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot, and have been wanting to write something about - so here goes!!! It's the concept of a transgender "community" - does it exist? Should it exist? It came up during the support group that I facilitate on Saturdays, so I thought it might be time to look at the issue myself a little more deeply - and see what others think :-) In 2 separate contexts I was told by people - who knew I was in the process of transitioning - that they knew trans people who would "disappear" after they transitioned. In one case it was with the LGBT tennis group I belonged to, that person wasn't talking about anyone with the tennis group, just a trans person they knew who basically left their entire social world behind as they transitioned. The other was a trans meetup group, where a member (who is a cross-dresser), commented that members who transition tend to disappear from the group. Well, in both cases I did exactly that. I joined a new tennis group this year, a non-LGBT group. I was going to maintain both memberships, but there isn't enough time to play matches with 2 groups. And I've pretty much stopped going to the meetup group. It should be noted that the person in the meetup group who made that comment also, on another occasion, half-seriously criticized me for dressing "boyish" (I wasn't, I just wasn't dressed up since I had been out doing things all day). Part of the reason for dropping that group, beyond the fact that it's essentially just a bar-hangout group, is that it mainly seems focused on people who really want to get totally dressed up. I'm not criticizing that, but it's not what I particularly want or need right now. So aside from this website, I'm not really part of a transgender community - and I feel ok about that? (I also co-facilitate trans support groups, but as a facilitator I don't consider myself to be part of the "community" that might arise from membership). To me it makes sense that gay men and lesbians have their respective communities - beyond the need to support each other socially and politically, they want to date each other (pardon the binary language). While I could certainly see dating a transgender man, it isn't my only option. On Saturday, after the group, I made another foray into the non-LGBT social world. I went to a bar where they show NC State football games - I'm happy that I went since I felt nervous about it, but disappointed as there didn't seem to be any other NC State people there :-( (Worse still, the few people there seemed to be Syracuse people!!! I was not only alone as an NC State fan, I was in "enemy" territory). I suppose all of this is really just me trying to reconcile my transgender identity. It's been a source of strength, since living it out has required some level of courage and persistence, but it's also a source of depression - I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I had just been born a cisgender woman. There have been times that I've tried to pretend that I'm not (if you look through my blog entries there will no doubt be a gap of a few months, that's when it happened), but then I do the support group, and I'm pretty open about it at school and my internship and even socially - so clearly I'm not trying to run away from it anymore. But still, living with it hasn't gotten particularly easy yet. So that was a bit of a ramble I suspect - but let me know what you think :-) xoxo Chrissy

Yesterday was a busy day. The debris pile in front of my house leftover from Irma was finally picked up. Quite an operation! Big truck with a big clamshell picker-upper. I still had to do some raking and cleaning for the smaller stuff and leaves, but at least it's clean now. Today, I'll pick up some top soil to fill in the holes left from the tree trunks, and then coax the grass to fill in. I also had a maintenance call for my ac--routine. It's pretty new and everything checked out. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning up my palm trees which needed a lot of work. We overcommtted with palms really not having any idea what we were doing. They are pretty, but messy and require a lot of maintenance. I'm going to start paring down. I also received my insurance license from the state, so now I'm ready to start work as soon as I hear back from the folks at AFLAC. I let them know, but no word as of yet. One of the first jobs I applied for, and didn't accept, when I was laid off from PACE Center for Girls sent me an email asking me to apply for a different position. I declined. I might have looked into it had it come sooner, but I am looking forward to my new endeavor. One other thing that is happening is that I have reconnected with my son. His mom and I divorced when he was 8, and since then we have had a very distant relationship at best. I made several half-hearted attempts over the years to reach out, but with no results. But, it's been on my mind since my wife died, so I thought I'd give it another shot. I sent him and email, and, wonder of wonders, he responded with a nice letter back. We have communicated a couple of time since then as I needed his SSN for my life insurance policy, but I am relieved that maybe we can get on with our lives and be in touch again. He lives in California so I doubt I will see him anytime soon, but this is good for now. Oh, and I did get a package in the mail from Light-in-the-Box--two blouses that I had ordered ages ago. For the most part I like their things, but it takes like forever to get here. One of the tops will hve to go back, unfortunately. The other is on to stay. Better than anticipated. Very soft and feminine. I don't mind being a man out in the world, but I sure like being a gurly-girl at home. We'll see what kind of trouble I can get into today. Later.

Dear Chrissy, Interesting that you bring that up, as I am giving a talk about "community," at Fantasia Fair in two weeks. As a cisgender Lesbian, I watched the Lesbian community become absorbed by the community at large (assimilated). Feel strongly this disempowered the Lesbian community, as evidenced by the disappearance of Lesbian bookstores. Sadly, I have to seek community by attending transgender support groups and conferences. Am very grateful for the outreach of the transgender community. In Florida, as well as in New York, I have observed some people who transitioned, leave the group. Feel the group's job is to empower people to go on to the next step in their lives. Hopefully they keep the friends they made in the group. Don't think it is healthy to remain in any kind of support group for a lifetime as this shows the person made little or no growth. What concerns me is when there are no support groups when people need them the most. Feel that people need face to face support and that online support should be secondary to face to face support. When I moved to trans and homophobic upstate New York, I am grateful to find a welcoming transgender support and conference group. Why am I not in a Lesbian in a transgender support group? There is none convenient to where I live (I do not drive). I find support wherever I can find it! Thank you, my dear friends in TGGuide and Fantasia Fair, for being there for me when I most needed it. Will always be grateful for your friendship! Your friend, Monica

Michelle, I also have two sons that I have somewhat distant relationships with. The older (33) is kind of stand-offish, very sensitive to anything I might say, and invulnerable. The younger (29) vacillates between horribly depressed and fairly steady. He resists getting and holding onto a job because his mother (we divorced over 20 years ago) rescues him with money frequently although every single psychologist has advised that that is the exact opposite thing to do. These relationships have been painful for me especially as I know that I played my own negative role as I was so depressed and uncertain myself during their childhood. But I was also much closer to them that my father was to me and hey, I turned out all right - I think! I'm so happy for you to get your insurance license and wish you the best in finding a job that you enjoy. Take care, Emma

This topic came up in a recent post on Joanna Santos’ blog, "Musings From My Everyday Life" as well. I think Chrissy explained it much better than Joanna or me. I feel the same way as her and I’ve also wondered about it. I love it here at TGGuide but otherwise I just want to get on with my life. My main friends are cisgender women, some gay, some straight. I seem to fit right in with women as friends and I love that. All that said, tonight I’m going out to dinner with two cis women who have transgender daughters. After, we’re going to see Janet Mock give a talk! It’s getting more chilly in Seattle so I’m looking forward to wearing a new jacket I bought at Nordstrom Rack a couple of weeks ago. Emma P.S. I would also like to add how much I appreciate Chrissy, Monica, and Michelle, as well as all others here. It’s been three years for me at TGG and its helped me so much. BTW, My first name is Emma. I originally coined "Sweet" as an anonymous last name that also, I hoped, reflected my disposition. These days I'm often using my family name Gray. My full name is Emma Joy Gray!

I too have been mulling over the concept of community more for the cross-dressing folks like me, but it could also apply to interested LGBT folks. My original idea was more like a retirement sorority house for us older CD's where we could live together and support one another. Then the idea of a commune came up where we would each have our own houses, but be in the same area. i don't know, it would just be nice to have our own little world where we could be ourselves and be with people who understand and we could just be friends and have fun together. Like an LGBT utopia. Nice to think about anyway. And yes, I think Monica is right about having more face-to-face contact with like minded people. Anyway, for now, I too am grateful for TGGuide and the friends I have met her e. Thanks Monica and Chrissy and EmmaSweet.

Dear Karen, The jacket probably had an interim discount. You look great! Also, you seem to have great friends! Your friend, Monica

Happy anniversary!!!

Two of my girlfriends and I went out to go dancing and let our hair fly on Saturday night. It was great, we arrived to the club and were welcomed with open arms. Guys were buying us drinks and we danced our asses off. When it was time to leave we had a 6 block hike in our 6 inch heels to the parking lot, but some young kids decided to harass us while walking to our safe zone. One of my girlfriends, who will remain nameless, was assaulted one time by a man who continuously called her a freak while she was walking alone to her car after work a few years back. Because of that terrible attack we walk in numbers — ALWAYS. When being harassed by these punks I took a photo of their license plate causing them to stop in the middle of the road threatening to run me over with the car. Here's where the story elevates; as they made the threat two deputies were coming out of a diner and heard the words spewing from the mouths of these thugs. It only took them seconds to react and the trio were taken into custody. The deputies said it didn't matter that we were CD/TG, we were people who needed help and that's what they do. I love the Emerald City. The moral of the story is simple: Walk in numbers and don't be afraid to ask for help.