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"... a common theme in self acceptance therapies seems to be to allow people into your inner circle to achieve happiness and piece of mind." This struck me as so true and honestly, I'm a believer. Another way of saying it is that being vulnerable - which means allowing people to see our selves in a less-guarded way - spawns happiness and peace of mind. If you're interested in learning more I recommend Brene Brown's books - pretty much any of them. You see, I believe that being true to ourselves means that we're being true to those outside of ourselves. For trans and others in the LGBTQ space, this can be tough. We've learned that it's risky (emotionally at least) to allow others to have an awareness of our authentic selves. For me this led to decades of hiding, shame, and fear, ultimately leading to serious depression and suicide attempts. Why? Because when we're in hiding it's as if we are living a lie, always aware of what others might think or know about our secret. Alternatively we can come out to successive layers of people (spouse/partner, family, etc.) ultimately leading to colleagues and the public. Is it risky? Yes. Is it scary? Definitely. I lost several friends, and that still hurts. But there is a relief I feel that I know well that I could never have achieved. I am still open to hurt but we all know that's life. And it's not all bad. It's good to have feelings, it makes us real people too, perhaps closer in alignment with our true gender. I don't mean to turn this discussion to me but I must add that yesterday I was a guest speaker at a local elementary school. I talked to nine different classes of 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades. Exhausting! In the last class a 5th grade girl blurted out: "Do you wear dresses?" I was wearing aubergine cords and a flowery top. I was startled by her question. I didn't mind talking about my being trans - that happened a little bit in other classes. But her question sounded a bit mocking, judgmental. I answered, "Yes, occasionally. I wear whatever any woman wears." I said it calmly without any attitude or tone. She seemed satisfied, perhaps because her comment didn't seem to ruffle my feathers. Later, I thought I could have said, "Do you?" to her question about wearing dresses. But that would have been more confrontational and, perhaps, played into her behavior of picking verbal combats. So I'm glad I didn't. This morning I still remember what she said. It's as if she, in that little exchange, cut me to the core. Am I valid? Am I weird? I don't like those feelings as I'm sure you understand. But, you know, I am using my feelings as an opportunity to take an inventory of me as a woman of transgender experience. It's who I am regardless of whatever anyone says, does, or thinks. Sometimes it feels like a big burden and it is. We all have our burdens, cis, trans, blacks, left-handers,... We're no different, better, or worse than anyone else.

Our "Inner Circle". A comment about inner circle recently that caused me to ponder further the meaning of the "inner circle" that each of us have. I have heard of this term throughout my life of 64 years, and also pondered it's meaning to me. My inner circle presumably is comprised of my true self, my thoughts, actions, expectations, goals, fears, regrets, my coping mechanisms, accomplishments and failures, those good and bad things in my own psyche, judged only by my own mind. I guard mine closely from attack from outside sources, other people, society, etc., because it is not considered "normal" by others' standards or there own "inner circle", nor exactly coincide with society' norms. No one's inner circle can be totally congruent with anyone else's and certainly not society as a whole. Yet a common theme in self acceptance therapies seems to be to allow people into your inner circle to achieve happiness and piece of mind. I don't believe that anyone will ever totally enter my inner circle; oh, I may allow others to approach it, but most will never get very close, a very few may. The closest to it was my wife. but she never really stepped into it because she never knew of my dysphoria. The opportunity for that, unfortunately, has passed. As I continue on life, others will approach my inner circle but truly they will not be permitted in, unless I believe they are worthy of it and a very high level of trust is formed. That is not a bad thing, just a reality in preserving my self worth and being and general happiness. While I hope someone may come closer than my wife did, none ever may and I'd be good with that, too. I'm at peace with my inner circle and that is what matters. Jessica

Dear Jessica and Emma, Agree with both of your definitions of "inner circle of friends." One of my greatest disappointments was when I was accused by the Lesbian community of being a bisexual (I am not), when I was the only Lesbian volunteering for the Tampa Bay LGBT Hotline (mostly Gay men). Another great disappointment was when I came out to my family, and they rejected me, and I am still estranged from them. Have redefined "close friend" and "inner circle" to include GROUPS of friends, such as a Bible Study, a women's support group or a drumming circle, as well as my TGGuide friends. As I age, (I am 60), my definition of the above seems to change. If I find myself in a minor crisis in between meetings, I call a warm line, which happens about once every three months. Every so often, we have to reevaluate our definitions. Your friend, Monica