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Saratoga Pride is an LBGTQ group outside of my hometown but close enough that I thought it would be worthwhile to check out. I stumbled upon it from meeting Amy a few weeks ago. They were having their annual dinner last night at a small restaurant/ pub, "50 South", just outside Saratoga, NY. There was a rather small group there, about 30, less than I expected, not knowing what to expect, which also was good as it made for a more intimate setting. (I give the restaurant a 5 of 5 on the food and service, and acceptance!) I had never been to any kind of LBGTQ event or gathering before last night. I would not have been at all surprised if I had met someone there from my hometown, was well prepared if I had, but I didn't. I'm finding the more I step out as Jess now, which is more often than not, I am as comfortable, 💇‍♀️ even more so, than in a cis-male role. I never expected that so quickly, having only been stepping out for a few weeks, now. And I'm finding that most, no, just about everyone I encounter out in public seems comfortable with me, too, whether I'm just pumping my own gas, getting coffee, going to the supermarket, going through the mall, walking downtown window shopping, and yes even going to a nice restaurant by myself I've never been to. I've never been shy in engaging with anyone and I think people quickly figure out I'm non threatening and that may have something to do with it. I noticed at the banquet, however, that the different groups there, i.e. the L, the G, the T, mostly clustered together, not all, but it was very difficult for the most part to strike a conversation and keep it going with everyone. Hmmm, have to think more on that one and figure how to better break the ice next time. Still met quite a few good people, though, and I'm looking forward to following up with them in the near future. 😊 Jessica 😍

Dear Jessica and Emma, Jessica, I have been to Saratoga, NY, years ago, and it was beautiful. Focus on making ONE friend at a gathering, instead of "working the room," especially if you are the newcomer. Once you are established in an organization, you can offer your services as a "greeter." Had to learn this the hard way. If you make even one friend, you have won. It is quality, not quantity. Emma, I am not sure if I understood this right, but where you accompanying a girlfriend to a medical exam, and later, got together to talk about it? Sadly, I have to go to the dentist and doctor alone (I am the queen of medical and dental cowards!) and a great way to make friends is to be available to give a friend support visiting the doctor and dentist. Yours truly, Monica

Thanks, Emma. YOU have a good time tonight! Just be Emma. Everything else will fall into place😊 Jessica

Good for you Jessica! You’re lucky to have found such a nice group that’s close to you. I echo what you are feeling going out. Wow, when I first started I was so scared, even to drive my car. Slowly, slowly, it’s come to the point that we dream of, that I just get dressed in whatever feels best and appropriate for the occasion. Yesterday when going to a clinic to see a girlfriend for a medical exam, I wore a longish navy skirt, black leggings, and white Banana Republic sweater. We’re getting together this evening and I’m thinking of a pair of khaki green pants and a casual top. Comfy, nice looking, and casual. Keep putting yourself out there. Sure, we connect with some people more than others. That’s the spice of life.

Saturday morning, slept till 7! Ugh. Got to jump up and fly getting ready in time to help at The Closet clothing boutique. Need to go to breakfast first, too, Always meet somebody new there and really look forward to it and enjoy it. Forgot to mention, yesterday, met Erin at breakfast. She seemed kind of shy , so I asked her to join me. (I hate to sit alone...most of the time). From northern Maine, not a place where she can be out easily. An hour talking over breakfast and yet another friend! We hooked up to talk several times more the rest of the Event. Made it to the Closet, and had fun, rehanging garments, helping people find their sizes and also helped a few find outfits that really looked great on them! ☺️. Went to lunch, met Greg who was holding a workshop, not transitioning, just likes to be himself? Herself? Also my age, from Connecticut; just published a book and when I find his/her card I'll let you all know. (no worries if I mis-gendered...he/she wont care!). Afternoon wanted to do more workshops, so I scheduled 3, from 1pm-5pm. The first, "There is VALUE in Financial awareness" was a very good presentation, by a young accountant, but not too relevant to me being in business my whole life. The second, "The Power of Voice" was well worth it! The biggest thing I took away from was just speak from your heart, not your chest or your head as many suggest. The heart is the center of your soul and your best sound will emanate from there. Did some exercises speaking from the heart, that's what I do out in public now all the time. I don't really Try to reach a pitch anymore, it just seems to be getting better naturally. I feel comfortable with it in public and everyone I talk to seems to be, too. The Last, " MTF Surgical options", I found I already knew quite a bit about. Now, rush, rush, to get ready for the banquet and the cocktail hour 6-7. Dressed in my gown for the first time, really worked hard on getting dolled up just right,💇‍♀️ LOL Down there at 6:45, and mingled a bit The banquet tables sat 8 and found one in the center not right up front, but real close center. Four people were already seated that I didn't know so I decided, hey, I could always use more friends, right? By the time dinner started 3 others I already met joined us. The food was excellent, and the service impeccable. The keynote speaker, CeCe Mcdonald was very good, too, and, after getting past the activist, political aspects her message, I felt it was very relevant! Don't back down, stand your ground, insist on your right to be who you are, get out there and be seen. After the banquet, my friend Linda, tried to teach me how to pose for photos, taking a few dozen pics from my cell phone. Sorry girls, need more lessons yet before I post any here, HAHA. Never thought of it, but I should of gotten photos with everyone I met; it would have helped me to remember their names better. The rest of the night more dancing. 😎 Jessica

Well had a ton going on Friday. When I came down for breakfast, the attendance had grown to 8-900, I had heard. All types of real people, flamboyant, discreet, flashy, cis-gender, bi-gender, cross dressers, transitioning in all different stages, many final, many their first time out, (like me). Young, senior, ( I was gonna say old, but none of us are old), shy, outgoing, all different in many ways but we were the same our whole lives, just hadn't met each other. We were about to, though! I was surprised at the age group, for some reason I expected much younger, but most were my age...whoops...here I go thinking I'm younger than I am again! (40's -60 for clarification.) I expected mostly 20's to 40's. A full slate of workshops were available today but there was a major glitch in my planned schedule. When I tried to make my first therapist appointment 2 weeks before the Event I specifically told the coordinator I would be out of town that week. Well the therapist called me the Friday before and said she had an opening today at 2pm. Made a split second decision and said I'd make the arrangements and meet her.....so I only attended one workshop, non-surgical feminization and beautification techniques, made a quick round through the job fair, I was dressed in a woman's business suit, then hopped in my car at 11:20 for a 2 1/2 hour trip to meet my therapist for the first time (still as Jessica) then drive back and was back to the Hotel by 5:30pm. One hour to freshen up, and change into a nice dress, for the last half hour of the cocktail hour before the Fashion show. The Fashion show was great! Never been to one before, especially as Jessica. I was in heaven, I love fashion, a good look...always have. Scoped out some seats at the runway, they were reserved, but the group that reserved them had some people not show up, so..... I made more friends and joined them. I never sit in the back; there's so much more to see when you're out front. It was a college group with their teacher (advisor?) who booked an overnight stay for the First Event. Yes we all became friends, instantly. (Had to keep reminding myself I'm not in college anymore, haha.) The Show was great, felt like it was being put on just for me! Many event models mixed with professional from a modeling agency and all put on a great show. Their were some children, too; and they were the best! You could see it in their eyes how proud they were to be able be themselves.. made you cry wishing we were that fortunate back then at their age.💕. Well afterwards, back to the courtyard and lounge for more DJ Greg again. Again, many, many, more people to meet and get to know. Andrea, a real neat cis-female (vendor at the event), I won't forget her. Mike, an attorney, Karen, an army reservist active and transitioned, who also speaks to groups on transgender issues, Mellissa, who loves 15th, 16th, 17th or 18th century vintage dress, (she was also in the show). Then there's Sarina, Sabrina, Porsha, on and on. So many more names I can't remember, but I know I'll meet them again. Well by now this ole lady's been pushing the envelope; it's 1:30 am and I volunteered a month ago to work "The Closet" which is the clothing boutique from 9am to noon Saturday morning. Good night 🌃

Thursday was when people were arriving in groves. I would estimate that attendance grew from 100 or more to well over 600. Some workshops were scheduled; I attended "Work it Girl! Posing to perfection." and "About Face The Alchemy of Make-up". Both were well presented, I learned a lot that I use now. I think my make-up has improved ten-fold from before. Well worth it.💇‍♀️ after dinner, socializing in the lounge and lobby until the Dance party with DG Gregg. Notably, met Linda and became instant friends. Had much in common except I would guess she's a little younger. She tries to visit one Conference each year; her wife is cool with that; is on her tenth or so year, but the amazing thing is she could pass 24/7 365 days a year. Tall, sleek, pretty, (and she confessed to me and I to her, bald. Beautiful wit, outgoing personality, and lots of fun to be around. The only time she is out is at conventions. Hooked up again later and at the dance party and she coaxed me to get out on the floor. Now I haven't danced in many, many, many years. Never really enjoyed it, always felt too rigid, out of place. Well let me tell you I melted right onto the dance floor, had the time of my life, fell right into my skin, liberated!! Met and had great conversations with another few dozen new friends into the night .

Wednesday was the official first day of the Convention, but not a whole lot was scheduled. I woke early, took about 3 1/2 hours to get ready (which was record time for me at that point), and went down to the lobby to see what was going on. Some people were just arriving, most were in their male persona, unpacking their luggage from their cars, all with an exuberant look in their faces and an excited attitude in their strides seeming so happy to finally be here. I went to the restaurant in the Hotel by 10am ( had complementary breakfast coupons) and I have to say it was excellent in every aspect. Simple, but very good on the quality scale and having been catering for 30+ years, I know. There weren't a whole lot of people having breakfast; some were obviously there for the convention, some were not. I sat myself at a table proximity of another woman, a little younger than me. My guess cis. We exchanged smiles and then she said to me that when she first saw me she thought that I was the actress from some show called " Mom and Me". Then she kept looking thinking, no way. She said the mom, not the daughter and chuckled. I said I hadn't seen it but I'm sure I should be flattered, thank you. She was just checking out and we wished each other to have a good day. (Okay, another boost for the confidence just starting out this week even though she probably just forgot to put her contacts in that morning). 💇‍♀️ Finished up and went back out, and more people were arriving. Met a few who were already settled in; many were part of the organizing staff, and one in particular I met was Cheryl. I would come to realize her to be one of the most awesome, genuine people I have ever met in my lifetime; the type of person that when you grow up, you want to be just like? Turned out she was the Head Organizer, and my first impression was right on; she made me feel like she knew me my whole life. By the end of the Convention, it became apparent we have all known each other our whole lives; most of us just haven't met yet.😍 Afterwards got my registration packet, and checked out the venders room, but they were just setting up still, so there wasn't much to do. Hung out on and off as more people arrived and began slowly introducing myself and meeting others. Went out for a drive to learn the area, found my Starbucks, not really a fan of the coffee but like the atmosphere., and went to the supermarket to stock my room mini refrigerator. About 30 -40 minutes in the supermarket; taking my time. One girl came up to me as I was opening a cooler door and said "I just love your nails" Haha. At the checkout, gentleman bagger about my age asked "ma'am would you like your milk in a bag? Double haha! I was sure from then on this was gonna be a good week and it was! ☺️ Later that evening, went to the lounge, sat at the bar and ordered a bottle water, and met and talked to another dozen or so fantastic people, went to bed early.

I've always needed some questions answered as a matter of fact, not a matter of hope, wishful thinking or dreaming and be sure I was comfortable with those answers. What truly would it mean to me to be Jessica, socialize as Jessica, think as Jessica, look as Jessica, go out around town only as Jessica, work as Jessica; how would it feel to not be able to go back; might I regret it or would I embrace it and continue wishing I had the courage to transition long ago?? I heard about Transgender Conferences shortly after joining TG Guide when another member shared with me her experiences attending her first conference. I decided I had to know and booked the next conference remotely in my area that I could find some 4 months in advance, The First Event just outside Boston. I booked a room at the conference hotel from the night before it began through the morning after it ended (6 days) and registered for the Event in it's entirety. My goal was simple but for me it would serve to be a big test, one that would answer most if not all of doubts I had come to worry about thus far in my transition. I had originally intended to check in as my former self a day early and emerge the next day as Jessica, but as things evolved I couldn't. You see I got a taste of going public a few days before (attending church, and starting to get the courage to run in and out coffee shops, going window shopping in a downtown area not too far away. I didn't think I looked to bad, but obviously up close I knew I would be made and then a sweet clerk in one of the coffee shops said she liked my ring. SHE DIDN"T CARE!!!! Why do I??? That changed my attitude. Went to a new church the next morning. not for the church but to get out again in a "safe place"? Met a dozen people and THEY Didn't CARE!!!! Again, why do I???? Stayed through the service AND another hour for Fellowship coffee afterwards and JESSICA actually talked with real human beings and made some friends that only know me as Jessica, no one else.💇‍♀️ So Monday, I finished packing and loaded most of my bags in the car. Still Jessica. I don't know if any of the neighbors saw me but if they did, I DON'T CARE, WHY SHOULD THEY!!! Tuesday... Off to Boston... on the way stopped for coffee and gas and had to stop for a rest room twice, used the ladies room both times. Don't know what the laws are; I DON'T CARE! if I used a men's room as Jessica, now that would have been weird!!! Crossed path's with a woman in one ladies room and SHE DIDN'T CARE, even said Hello. We commented on the weather, another stinking snowstorm but I wasn't gonna let it stop me today😍. Got to the Hotel about 6pm, after getting my bags up (I way overpacked) I went to the local supermarket for some food and Starbucks for coffee. Hadn't met or seen anyone that might be connected to the conference yet; hoped to though, so went back to the room and unpacked what I could. Good Night☺️