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When my wife caught me wearing a bra, she asked me if I was going to transition. Before that moment, I had not even considered the idea of wearing women's clothing as anything other than a dirty little secret. At the time, I stated vehemently, "No, I had no intention of becoming a woman," however, her question started my mind stirring. I have been in turmoil for the week and a half since, but I am starting to come to terms with my gender fluidity. The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that when I was younger (8-12 years old) I would "borrow" my sister's bathing suit, bra, and panties at different times when I was home alone and could get away with it. I now realize that I did that without getting aroused, and that was the whole point when I did it the first couple of times. Later on, I would even wear one of the bras to school under a t shirt and a sweatshirt and was not only comfortable, I was more relaxed. In the early '90s, that would have been considered very taboo. I bought (online) and started wearing a sports bra again under a sweatshirt at home fairly recently because of the memories I had of feeling secure. Again, I felt like I was getting a hug from an old friend, and have been wearing it full time except for at work (I cannot wear long sleeves on the sweatshirt around the equipment I work with due to safety concerns) and might eventually even at work if I decide to start living full time in a more feminine form, however that frightens me beyond belief because of what coworkers might think or how they would react. I posted before about hanging out with friends dressed, and though I know it isn't in public, the walk from the car to the front door was an ancient time until I realized that no one would think twice about a girl in an ankle length denim skirt wearing a hooded sweatshirt in 30 degree weather. These few hours with this crowd has been the some of most enjoyable time I have spent in recent memory, even though it was just hanging out and watching anime. If anyone would have told me two weeks ago that I was going to identify as part of the LGTBQ community, I would have said they were nuts. But as of now, I am becoming more and more comforted that there is that community and that you are here helping me along on my new life path. I thank you for all your support, Tilly

Oh Christy - that is a lot of Yeps! - I couldn't choose to like your post and say thanks, so I just chose thanks so that you know it means more to me than just making me smile (do you ever stop and wonder if those photo shoot pictures still exist in a file somewhere). I hope to build my confidence as I go, I was explaining to my therapist that while part of me wants to just ignore everything and go back to before I started questioning, the other part knows I cannot put the genie back in the bottle and am effectively along for the ride until I get to where I am supposed to be. It may sound selfish but to have people relate similar or almost identical experiences to mine, helps me to know I am in the right place and doing the right thing. If no one could understand what I am going through then I would be hoping to get let down gently by a group of people who couldn't relate and sent on my way. So thanks to everyone who has responded.

First electrolysis session tonight! Well, had my first laser session last Monday and tonight my electrolysis for beard and neck hair. Christina, of Saratoga Electrolysis, worth mentioning because she was so sweet and welcoming to me!😘 I felt so out of my skin having to present as male due to the need for facial stubble, but she was so kind and really tried to make me feel comfortable, which I eventually was. Was an hour session which she added another 15 min au gratis. We booked 2 more sessions for late next week when I return from my trip. Can already tell I'm gonna have another friend🙋‍♀️.

Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am. Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short. If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better. Ok, to get started, I am Tilly. I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things. My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time. I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT). I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful. I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful. They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket. I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.

Thank you Emma, that is really nice of you to say 🤭 I only have to cover 150 miles but most of it is winding single carriageway and the occasional VERY small village. This was so much scarier than when I've bought nail polish or clothes in a store but I know that in that situation my own paranoia makes me nervous, shopkeepers really do not care one way or another unless you are rude to them. There are a couple of tea rooms closer but they are so small I would feel too conspicuous. Because until 6 months ago I have only ever associated dressing for solo sexual gratification there are a lot of shameful feelings and the things I used to buy and purge I would never have been brave or stupid enough to gift a woman and expect her to wear without being slapped. The party was the first time I had dressed in front of others as a female and was for the completely mundane reason of a fancy dress party. The pleasure I felt being talked to in the D&D game as a woman combined with enjoying wearing the clothes and being completely smooth skinned for the first time since puberty was what really shook me and started me down this path as I needed to find out why my feelings were so intense. It does still mean that I carry the shame of dressing for my entire teen and adult life in secret and meant that when I finally told my older sisters I also apologised for borrowing their clothes (especially when my sister remembered getting totally yelled at for laddering a pair of my mums good tights which she had not touched - and with my revelation I was the likely culprit - I've always loved the look and feel of tights, as a toddler I had a habit of touching them wherever I saw them which my mum had to apologise for frequently, turns out I like them on me too). I am really only just getting to a point where I am not ashamed and embarrassed of wanting to be seen as a woman by others, but honestly it is a constant battle not helped by the fact that it is still effectively a secret, which in my mind makes me "guilty" even if the reasons for not outing myself yet are wise. The first time I dress for myself in front of my friends which I hope will be later this year will be a big test for me and may involve tears - but I am not there yet!

Ah yes, I remember your post! I’m glad you re-entered it. You do look terrific, your hair, face, and that lovely red coat. 2.5 hours for coffee is quite a drive. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to do it, and I’ve no doubt you’ll have a great time. I’ve done similarly. I recall about ten years ago I’d gone off camping by myself, away from my wife and family. They had decent WiFi in the campground and I surfed the web like mad. I’d bought some tights at a grocery store and wore them beneath my pants which felt good. But I needed more. I had to have more. I then drove about 300 miles south to Los Angeles to go to a store that specialized in cross dressing clothes. I was there when they opened, shopped for an hour, and then returned to my campground. The clothes weren’t very nice or of good quality but I enjoyed wearing them. So, I know at least something about what you’re going through. It’s exciting but also so stressful at times. Remember this please: your joy comes from a true sense of finally experiencing your authentic self. There is nothing wrong or untoward about you or your feelings.

Believe me it'll be the best you ever had...I know! ☺️

I do hope so, it better be a good cup of coffee! 🤔

I do hope you get the opportunity to get out on your own many more times. That feeling of nervousness, fear and anxiety will quickly be replaced with peace, comfort and serenity. Before you know it you'll be driving 2 1/2 hours for that simple cup of coffee! 😊

Aww! Thank you Jess 🤗 I think I am my own worst enemy sometimes and when I am feeling negative all those fears and worries come bubbling out. I find my thoughts berating me and telling me I am not really trans and that I do not belong here, or that I am just cross dressing to get cheap thrills (which was the case for years until I started thinking about it seriously), but when I share my thoughts or what has been on my mind and someone says they "know the feeling" that inner critic has to be silent. Recently I was commenting on someone else's blog about the hidden statistics of trans people who haven't accessed UK services and they replied, "You asked your counsellor to call you Dee, and it feels right. You will come out soon enough." I do not share her confidence, and initially I was not sure how to take her response but that someone further along their personal journey of discovery than me assumes it is just a question of time is actually kind of nice. For me being outside my house for the first time has been so important and is so much scarier than anything else I have done, it made me vulnerable to others even if I chose a place where that number would be low!

Hi Dee. Gosh I know that feeling so well; just reading about you made me smile. 😊 By the way, you look fantastic, too. You have nothing to worry about or be fearful of. I adore your coat! Jess

Well, the pace is continuing and seems to be just falling into my lap since I have shed any fears (no, that is the wrong word)...reservations, about getting out there. I went to the same church this past Sunday that I found 2 weeks ago. They all were so happy to see me; and I was happy to see them. Stayed again an hour after for coffee fellowship and had some real good conversations with more people, much less inhibited and guarded in divulging who I was, where I came from and where I'm going. So nice to be who you are and not put on a façade. Ran into Amy, talked to her at length. She is an absolutely beautiful person; very soft-spoken. I noticed her skin, hair, facial features, her manner, her speech, her hair, her hands, and you just know she has worked on it and succeeded in portraying how she feels. Anyway, just so has it, this Friday is the regional annual LGBTQ dinner; Amy told me about it, and I booked my reservation and am going. Yesterday, I had my first of 6 face and neck hair laser treatments, (every 4 weeks) for my beard and neck. Did a pretty good job, I think. You could feel it but not too bad overall. Had to grit my teeth a little doing above my lip and under my nose. Afterwards felt sunburned for about 5 hours. Got the moisturizers she suggested and have been using them often since. Haven't shaven since then and don't seem to be any black hairs or shadow a day later. Normally it would be real heavy by now, black stubble everywhere. There are a few dark hairs, but she explained they where "zapped" and would work their way out of my pores. There where quite a few last night, but hardly any now. The only thing left are the light hairs which I think was probably 20 % of my beard growth. So I called my electrologist and she's going do a full hour treatment next week, instead of just an "introduction". Therapist today had to cancel for tonight; another snowstorm expecting 15 inches and already coming down heavy. Was looking forward to it; I'm really getting to like her. She's pretty sharp. Let me in on a regional insurance company that they've worked with that covers just about everything, even cosmetic procedures. Mine covers next to nothing. I just successfully signed up tp switch effective March 1, so the pace is sure to pick up soon after that. 😃 Jessica