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So, I have been paying attention to how my wife acts, she doesn't even want to look at me. She will not kiss me at all, and only reluctantly allowing me ko kiss her forehead or cheek. As much as I love her and want her to love me for who I am, I am really wondering if there is anything left there to save. Even before I came to the realization of why I was so uncomfortable in my skin we had only had sex a couple of times per year over the past five or so years. When I tried to snuggle into her, she tells me that she feels smothered, even before so of this came out. I would like to try to make this work out, partly because of our 7 year old daughter, but it is starting to feel more like a roommate arrangement then a marriage. Still here, and less confused, Tilly

I hope that's where she's at, but it was her comment tha made me start wondering what was going on with myself...In some ways, I wonder if she thought this was happening for quite a while...I too am as mentally prepared as I can be I can be for divorce, but all I have figured out is a place to crash, not a place to live. I wish she could go with me when I actually fully embrace myself as Tilly to see how much more relaxed and happy I am. I can't even bring myself to ask her to come because she would probably do everything In her power to prevent me from seeing my friends in a setting in which I can fully dress.

On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity. It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender. Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her. So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List". I was surprised about a few things. Firstly that I could actually make a list, I still have an inner voice that tells me that I cannot possibly be Trans and that I am just avoiding dealing with my marriage breakup because they happened so close together. In part the truth is the marriage break up led me to start asking who I was, my relationship with my ex works well as friends and she is confiding in me again (even though some of the topics I do not think appropriate for your ex husband, she does not think about my feelings like that and I would never tell her). Secondly, while there is more in adult memory than childhood I realised that there are still things that I put down before puberty struck and my hormones went wild. 🤬 Thirdly while I am embarrassed about the strong connection to self pleasure and pornography, I can see patterns in the categories I have found myself getting fixated on for a while, and when looked at dispassionately they all point strongly to an urge to be seen as female. It is also why the first thing I did was remove that element and see if I still wanted to dress feminine when stimulation was not a part of the equation and yeah, it still felt like me and still feels somehow right. I haven't included the actual "list" in this post because of the numerous references to adult genres, but am happy to post it if others are interested. I have effectively already blogged about it all previously anyway so none of it is secret. (that in itself has helped with some of my personal Transphobia although I did not know that's what the guilt was until recently). As my list was compiled in one day there is a good chance I will have missed a few things, but I do want to say thank you for the thought exercise - it has genuinely been very educational for me and it has given me a couple of things to think about. 🤔🤗👸😯

Dear Christy, Your mom's aunt was picking up on your feminine energy, although she probably couldn't put her finger on it or words to it. Yours truly, Monica

Thanks Christy, it wasn't graphic but I have tried to edit it to be more vague and people friendly, if needed it can be removed or edited. I find my male urges more annoying and inappropriate than anything else, and would happily not have to worry about it. 🤭 I never realised when I started that my list would be quite this long without trying! I kind of thought this had all come about out of the blue. Dee’s "List" pre school Used to fixate on women's tights and would grab and run my hands on them (one of my mums favourite embarrassing stories about me) Primary/Infant school Would play dress up with my sisters and perform songs and plays we made up Would play with their dolls and often joined the girls in their games - homemaking, handstands, cartwheels, roller skates, hopscotch (and my sisters when at home) Would share bed with big sister when she had nightmares Used to look through my mothers clothing catalogues Loved brushing and braiding my sisters hair Often made fun of for being the “new kid”, so very quiet and socially awkward Often burst out crying - eldest sister was the one who settled all the fights. Started being bullied for not swearing and started paying more attention to fitting in. Academy/High School Did drama at school - wore tights and leotards a few times and found it nervy but exciting, played an ugly stepsister in a drama and appeared in full (ott) makeup in front of the school. Was once complimented by a girl doing my eye makeup who told me the shade really brought out my eyes. Grew my hair down to my shoulders and was often complimented by hairdressers about the fineness of my hair Started being mistaken for a girl when working in local supermarket (I remember a child asking, mummy whats that girl doing? When I was shelf stacking and her mum being mortified when I turned around) Regularly read books “for girls” (Bunty, Nancy Drew but got books from my gran - Mills and Boon, also adult fiction that included adult scenes) Started borrowing sisters clothes to dress up, discovered I liked it for self gratification - skirts, leotards, swimming costumes, lingerie, tights - risk, reward, shame cycle repeated over and over. Would put on makeup and attempt to feminise myself - often posing in front of the mirror. Once or twice went outside at night in the dark wearing my sisters clothes Used to look through my mothers clothing catalogues The internet became faster and popular - I used to research different types of porn late at night to be able to blend with my bragging male classmates. Socially awkward, bullied and called “gay” frequently, but made some good female friends and a few male friends Would cry sometimes because I worried I would not find someone to love me Dreamed of having a family - 20s Predominantly female friends - enjoy going out dancing and karaoke over pub crawls/soccer pubs Female friends often became friends to get to my male friends and vice versa - I was usually the non threatening, non sought after go between. Would go clothes shopping with female friends and give them outfit advice. Was once asked by a friend to help her find her something for her boyfriend out of an Ann Summers shop. Played as female characters when in solo computer games, but male online. Have always worked in predominantly female areas (social and care work) and felt comfortable. Still researching online sites to blend in with the vulgar male pub talk, Internet now useable with broadband and video. (Looking back I think my choices were geared towards the idea of becoming or being treated as a girl and wearing frilly dresses, not the other aspects.) I've always preferred giving pleasure to receiving it and enjoy seeing my partner enjoy themselves. I would buy female clothes and be the woman in my fantasy then purge in disgust Planned and bought clothes to dress as Velma from Scooby Doo one halloween and was equal parts relieved and gutted when the party was called off. Once I was in a friends shower washing off stage makeup from a Harvey Two Face costume I had made and worn during a Halloween party and a female friend came in and used the loo, chatting to me while I was in the shower. She had been drinking, but not enough she didn’t know I was in there and we were not close friends. I got married, had children, wife asked me to have vasectomy and did so without hesitation or worries about losing my manhood. Regularly try to remember and delete "x" after texts when directing them at male and female friends so no one takes them the wrong way. I did a lot of the home making & child rearing because I enjoyed it and while my wife was ill or just not doing it. Found myself joining in even more to “mum” discussions about children/cleaning/dieting etc. Started having funks - low points where work was hard to focus on and I did not have the energy to do anything, still able to keep up with commitments - these can last for months and eventually go away but have never really been dealt with. Early in the marriage we saw a documentary about a crossdresser and his wife and she said if she ever caught me in her clothes she would leave in a heartbeat, I kept my desires and dressing secret except for once or twice asking gentle questions or making semi-serious jokes about roleplaying in the bedroom - her interest in sex (with me anyway) disappeared as soon as the kids were born so nothing ever happened, but meant I continued to pleasure myself when urges became distracting.. - 30s Would sometimes wear wife’s clothes when she was away and self pleasure Would buy sexy female clothes telling myself they were for my wife and then I would play her role in the fantasy (or we would swap roles) then purge in disgust. Would wear wifes clothes for emotional comfort when she was in hospital for extended periods. Would go on works night out with all female friends - wife was jealous I was out and not giving times to come back in but not that I was out with women. Once or twice I wore my wifes clothes when I came home drunk and she was in bed uninterested. I once woke up in her clothes after coming home and passing out with no memory of dressing - thankfully it was still nighttime and she was still in bed. When I had the house to myself I would wear her makeup and perfume while dressed as her. Still secretly playing games as female characters - only now they are much more realistic. Discovered fem stories and that I liked the idea of being “forced” to be female and outed in front of others. During first two break ups I would sometimes paint my nails and spend days “as a woman” in the house, just lounging around. Marriage dissolved, wife left me for the third time and is instantly with another man friend she has known for years and was with last time we separated, I struggle to feel angry but accept that this time no matter what I do or change my marriage is not saveable. One month later I went to a D&D fancy dress party as a woman character and enjoyed being a girl in public. Totally removed all of my body hair and wore a bra and panties even though I didn’t really need to - suddenly realised I do not want to grow my hair back. Started looking up information on transvestism, being gender fluid and finally transgender. Started packing up wifes clothes to send them to her (she'd left all the clothes that did not fit her on either side and I literally could not get to my bed to sleep - after 2-3 weeks I realised if I did not pack them it wasn't getting done) While packing I tried on some outfits and dresses and one of her wigs and surprised myself by looking at a smiling and really contented woman in the mirror. -40’s Started blogging as Sadie and joined a TG Forum site - discovered others had similar thoughts and experiences and they already knew they were transgender and many either had already or are in process of transitioning. Started under dressing to see if I liked it - bras, pants, socks found myself calmer Started wearing clear nail polish and womens deodorant - I cannot bring myself to wear mens aftershave or deodorant anymore. Started buying practical female clothes because I want to wear them discovered my sizes are average. Started working with a trans friendly counsellor online - used male pronouns and dress. Started to use my female characters online as well - instead of having 2 saves. Told older sisters I was questioning my gender and was given some 2nd hand clothes to try on and bought womens lotions and pjs for Christmas - loved them! Started to accept I am not cisgender and therefore must be trans in some way. Changed my name to Dee online, after my sister called me it a few times over chat - love being perceived and treated as a woman in all my onlne interactions Discovered female point of view porn but although the urge is still frequently there - it is harder to do so “as a guy” and am genuinely confused as to what to watch or read. Wore female jeans and jumper in front of sister at Christmas and both of us felt normal. Regularly dress in female clothes, makeup and wig and just do housework, or read and find it relaxes me - starting to feel like when I am in male clothes I am “dressing up”. Found TGguide through Emma and others openly sharing their experiences without the pressure of "You should transition", was finally able to take a breath now the expectation was not there. Asked Counsellor to use female pronouns and call me Dee so I can see what it is like in real life. Daydreaming about being Dee publicly and at work Dressed as Dee for my counselling session Dressed as Dee and went for a drive and a forest walk in public and felt content and care free but not aroused in any way. I was nervous but genuinely did not have some of the big feelings I was expecting. And now I am reviewing my list and wondering what I'm going to be talking about with my counsellor at our next session. XX