Leaderboard

So today I took another small step forwards. I have just called the GIC Outreach clinic closest to me. I now have an appointment to talk with someone about my gender on 2nd October this year. What a total difference to the last time I tried to call! Last time I chickened out dialling twice and then talked myself out of it because I wasn't sure where any of my feelings and desires to be female had come from nor why they were so strong. I didn't want to do anything that would forever be in my medical records if it turned out this was a phase or some sort of mental health issue from my marriage ending. Thanks to the good advice I received when I started scouring the internet completely panicked and unsure of the world, let alone my place in it - I sought counselling online and paid privately for the privilege. Yesterday, even though I had been in Dad mode for the entire week with my kids and was totally unshaven when I woke up - I shaved and dressed as Dee for my counselling session complete with wig and minimal makeup without giving it a second thought, during the session we talked around my need to try and emotionally protect the ones that I care about and after giving it consideration I realised that I did not get physically aggressive when I got protective - something i have seen a few of my male friends do. I try and take or prevent others having to go through painful situations by taking them on myself. I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future. When it came to the end of the session I thanked my counsellor for her time and patience and said that I do not want to schedule in another meeting just yet. I want to contact the NHS GIC and start the process formally, she has offered to help me if I wish to go down the private route and has also said that if I need any sessions even just ad-hoc ones to get in touch with her. I have really valued working with her so I suspect I will be back in touch when I need more support. This morning I looked out last years diary - I found the number I had written down after my unsuccessful attempt to go to an out of area gender clinic to speak to someone and I deliberately waited until mid morning, it allowed me to dither and build up a bit of courage to make the call, I have found that no one likes to answer that initial call and by 10am they have usually got into work mode - had to give my male name and DOB as well as my contact numbers but that is to be expected given that this will be on my medical file. I realised that I was raising my pitch to sound slightly more feminine even though I had given my male name, while I was talking to the woman on the phone and we exchanged some pleasantries while we waited on her computer system to catch up. I was advised that I would have to wait a couple of month or so for my initial appointment, which was fine but I admit that October was further away than I was expecting. It was like a friendlier version of making a doctors appointment, and I asked directions to make sure I went to the right reception just in case. The call was relaxed and actually fairly easy to make. For the first time in almost 3 weeks I then sat and actually managed to get through all of my work emails that have been building up. I finally had the energy and drive to do some work without it being overdue and essential for the next day! My sister is delighted for me and said that October is a good thing as it gives plenty of time for my divorce to get finalised, she also said it would be an exciting new adventure - which is true, I am now a mixture of nerves and excitement instead of just fear and confusion! 💖 XX

Thank you Emma, 🤗 the time is obviously just right now, the massive knot I have had in my shoulder blades for the last month has all but disappeared, and the fears seem a bit more manageable. Free healthcare for all was a wonderful idea that is being ruined by greedy politicians. The NHS is notoriously understaffed and underpaid, so waiting lists are common, the benefit is that I know I will be able to tap into professionals and any medical care without having to save up for it (though I am currently intending on using the money I was spending on counselling to start hair removal) Someone once talked about a service triangle and it is very true - something can either be done cheaply, done quickly, or done well - but you can only ever get two out of three at most otherwise the time, cost or quality need to change. 💛

"I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future." Wow, Dee, that's so huge! Very proud of you! October is a long time to wait, that's for sure. As you said it gives you time to become more familiar and sure of yourself - always a good thing. I look forward to hearing more about your journey! Emma

Dear Friends, Have attempted "conversion therapy" many years ago at the behest of my mother, may G_D rest her soul, as she was a devout Catholic. There was eight of us in the group, and all eight of us returned to homosexuality quickly and permanently. Am sure if the group were transgender people instead of homosexuals, the result would have been the same. Almost all of the gender conferences have excellent significant other (SO) support groups. These groups are almost always all women. These wives and girlfriends validate one another. They learn they are not alone. Please look into it . . . Your friend, Monica

Thank you all for your honest experiences...I'm glad I'm here getting to hear that I'm not the only 'freak' in the world... What's so wrong about wanting to relax in leggings and a yoga top anyways, right?

My crossdressing pretty much ended any intimacy my wife and I had. She too thought that it could be gotten rid of through therapy and also confused it with being gay. She became petty closed-minded and then had too much invested in her way of thinking to change. As I have read, "conversion therapy" is very psychologically damaging. Even with all the difficulties, I am happy to be who I am and finally being able to be true to myself as you al are.

Tilly, I feel for you as I had a very similar experience. I suppose my only advice is to try to be patient with her, don't push her for affirmations such as kissing or perhaps even sitting together closely. She's processing all of this as best she can, weighing her options, very self-conscious about how your revelations may reflect on her with her friends and social connections. I'm sure you recall how much you wrestled with your feelings before coming out to her, and probably for much of your life. She needs time to catch up in her understanding. Hopefully she has a good therapist to talk with and learn from. Best wishes, Emma

i am in new jersey north nj in fact i just woke at 5 am,so still a little foggy but now more awake and glad for your input,please feel free to let me know if my words convey an understanding about this our common journey.

Let me just add, anunitu, that you bring another dimension to this blog. You are certainly more prolific than many of us-- I speak for myself. Maybe that springs from isolation, Emily Dickinson comes to mind. BTW, in case I missed it, what part of the world do you live in?

Ok, this is probably not the normal way to use a blog, but I figured putting my thoughts and feelings somewhere could help me sort out where I am. Most of the posts by me in here will likely be rather short. If there is anyone out there that wants to read and it helps them, all the better. Ok, to get started, I am Tilly. I am new to all of this and aml struggling with a lot of things. My wife reacted somewhat poorly when she caught me 'under dressing,' but womans' undergarments have been a comfort of mine fo some time. I'm thrilled to have found this forum of wonderful and supportive people, you have already helped me start dealing with my emotional train wreck, (and I am not even on HRT). I also have a group of friends that are very laid back that I shared my vulnerability with, and they are absolutely wonderful. I was able to dress away from privacy for the first time and it was absolutely wonderful. They even started being chivalrous right off the bat, when I mentioned that I was chilly, one of them wrapped me in his jacket. I was surprised by the gesture at the time being my first time out as my feminine self.

So, I have been paying attention to how my wife acts, she doesn't even want to look at me. She will not kiss me at all, and only reluctantly allowing me ko kiss her forehead or cheek. As much as I love her and want her to love me for who I am, I am really wondering if there is anything left there to save. Even before I came to the realization of why I was so uncomfortable in my skin we had only had sex a couple of times per year over the past five or so years. When I tried to snuggle into her, she tells me that she feels smothered, even before so of this came out. I would like to try to make this work out, partly because of our 7 year old daughter, but it is starting to feel more like a roommate arrangement then a marriage. Still here, and less confused, Tilly

my ex was the only woman i had ever been with,and for me the feeling of loving another person was very life changing,but she was VERY religious and kept telling me about how a minister in her church had been found to be gay,and gone through conversion therapy and had married an ex lesbian who had also done the therapy it became very clear she thought i should also do that,but i think she thought i was just gay,she not knowing the difference between a trans person and a gay person i of course did not even try as she called it to fix my devils curse, the minister and his lesbian wife lasted a total of 3 years before both returned to their former lives,but the church still insisted it could be prayed away,and that they had just not believed enough, this brought my ex and i to complete odds on my issues as I did not want to abandon my real self for the sake of social acceptance. my ex laid down the law saying she could not have me embarrass her by being my authentic self. so we parted ways and i lost touch with my children,and went my way to my true future self it hurt losing my first and only love,but it would have been destructive if i tried to be what everyone else said i should do for all their sakes,but not concerned with my sake,so I made the very hard choice hoping i would at another time find love again,but that has eluded me even now. it was a cost I was willing to pay for my personal peace in my body and soul not following my path to my true self would have led to my death by my own hand of that i was sure. so i took up the path to personal Resurrection as my now complete self, it has been a very lonely way to travel never finding that love again,but worth it to feel alive and normal at last. you must live for yourself not for others comfort or their wishes for their place caring nothing for your pain and suffering because you were cursed you see,and they did not deserve your broken life joined with theirs, because it was all about their pain,never yours. i do not know how many marriages have survived this gender change,but in my experience the odds were not very good because your better half might have a completely different agenda in their future vision. stay strong in your journey and finding your future peace. and hopfully love again. ok there is my two coppers worth of insight, so stay strong in your ×

this i know well having been married for 10 years and my gender issues broke our marriage apart, i tried to salvage it but my path and my exs were moving in completely different directions. so we parted and i went into my final flight path that came in time to the surgeons table and my new beginning,and i have no regrets now fully being my true self. i am happy with my body now and that has sustained me even in loneliness.

I hope that's where she's at, but it was her comment tha made me start wondering what was going on with myself...In some ways, I wonder if she thought this was happening for quite a while...I too am as mentally prepared as I can be I can be for divorce, but all I have figured out is a place to crash, not a place to live. I wish she could go with me when I actually fully embrace myself as Tilly to see how much more relaxed and happy I am. I can't even bring myself to ask her to come because she would probably do everything In her power to prevent me from seeing my friends in a setting in which I can fully dress.