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My ex wife was on the phone today as we sorted out the childcare for the upcoming Easter holidays and swapped updates with how the children are getting on at school (currently my son lives with me and my daughter lives with her during the week and we alternate weekends with both - it will change to just 50% during holidays soon as my ex is almost certainly going to be moving out of the area and my daughter will want to go with her mum - our kids are about as happy as they can be in the circumstances). The frustration comes with the delay in the divorce, I thought it would be coming through in the next couple of weeks, but now the courts want more money from her to finalise the agreement so it will be another 3-6 weeks depending on when she has the money to get it done. This is a very busy time for me and I was really hoping to get one thing ticked off my stress list. The sooner the divorce is finalised the more content I will be that if she discovers I am trans before I want it out in the world then she will not be able to alter the childcare arrangements without getting the courts involved. The other frustration is aimed squarely at myself. If I had called the gender clinic when I first started questioning I would only have a month or two to wait for an appointment, but instead I have to wait until October. I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general. Some aspects and connections I am making in my work as male me at the moment are going very well and they would all need to change significantly. Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me. I keep finding myself wanting to tell people on some days and then worrying that the more people I tell the more pressure there will be to actually transition. May will soon be here and with it the pride weekend I have promised my niece we would go to - yet I have still only been out once, am I ready to turn up for a full weekend as Dee? Do I really want to do it with my niece, who is young enough to accept it without worrying but has enough of her own issues and insecurities? I keep sabotaging myself, I am not exercising and somehow keep buying bars of chocolate even when I know I need to lose weight and will not be able to fit into the clothes I own soon if I keep it up. I have increased my veg intake substantially but my eating habit is terrible at the moment, especially in the evenings. Do I feel like this because I do not think I will make a "good woman"? - which I think means shaking off the perception of just being a man acting like a woman, or do I feel this way because a part of me knows I should not transition and have just been enjoying an extended "wouldn't it be nice if I could start again" escape scenario since last October. Or do I feel this way because of the magnitude of actually being openly female in front of people whose opinions I care about scares the crap out of me? Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level? It seems to be fine for everyone else, just not for me at the moment. Am I just looking for excuses to continue being "cis'' and forget all this? I have spent my life trying to blend in to the background, to not be noticed or stand out except when I have to, and this is something that will 100% prevent me from doing that. It is hard to tell which side I am making the excuses for. I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel. I do not even know if that is the right way to express my feelings but if becoming Dee is so right why is it such a struggle?

Dee, "Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me." Indeed, telling others that you're trans — intentionally or otherwise — isn't something you can take back. But, there are things you can do to test the water before coming out. It might help you to give yourself some patience. Would you like some ideas/thoughts on that? " I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general." I know what you mean and I felt that way too. I suggest that the first step is to accept that we can't control other people. They may be supportive and loving, unsupportive, or somewhere in between. It's your life, and up to you to decide what you need to do/be to be authentic to yourself. "Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level?" Answer: YES! Remember that "phobia" = "fear" and you'd be crazy not to be fearful. It's what our amygdala does for us. It tries to protect us from the scary monsters and things like that. It's perfectly normal to feel these fears, all of them. "I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel." I didn't want to transition either. And even as I proceeded I didn't expect/anticipate what aspects of transition applied to me. I think you have to determine that, slowly step-by-step, by yourself with a therapist (ideally). I also know what you mean about the euphoria. I certainly felt that way too. These days it's less and less. I just am another (somewhat older) woman in the world, living her life. I like getting dressed in something nice that feels good, and hanging out with friends. But I also like going hiking, cooking, and playing with my cat. I also do woodworking, gardening, watch movies. I can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do. I hope that through small steps before you come out publicly that you can experience those steps — scary as they may be — and discover that yes, it feels right. You have to allow a little time for the euphoria to dissipate to know your true feelings. And then, cross another bridge, and another...

Thanks Jess and Christa, the NHS is slightly different - if I had had the courage to continue the phonecall when I was still unsure I would be closer to speaking with someone - they will put me in touch with a therapist and it will not cost me anything because I have been paying for it my entire working life, the private counselling sessions I stopped because at the time I was starting to accept being transgender and would rather pay for hair removal which I have started. Some of that will be covered by the NHS too, but from what I have read usually not enough. I think this is important for me to learn - not to try and envision a finished womanly version of me - but just a me free of all the parts of me I don't want - I just fluctuate so much between acceptance and sheer fear of abandoning my male life. It's really all I've known. It's like - I am happy and excited for you all as I see you take steps and get closer to who you are and yet at the same time I am too afraid to acknowledge that I am trying to do a similar thing?

Hi Dee. I reacted to your post with a "💜" largely because many of the frustrations you expressed have been shared and similarly experienced by myself. I can only say how my thoughts evolved to where I am now. It seems like the timing of your divorce is out of your control for now, so I would place that in "things to look forward to " category of my life priorities and focus more on those I have more control of in moving forward. I also agree with the necessity of guarding your gender openness until the divorce is finalized, but the time will come when that is behind you, too. Similarly the long wait you have for your gender clinic appointment is equally frustrating, but the stress can be alleviated by using the time to prepare for and the process. If you haven't yet, I would seek a competent gender therapist, as the clinic may require it before moving forward which will result in more waiting time. It is not an easy task to "live authentically" when my whole life I've always known deep down, but built my relationships, my employment, my goals around a gender identification that was incorrect, but it is exhilarating to make that journey to authenticity. My "mind" had to learn first before my "body" could express it, if that makes any sense? It's like slowly but surely, I'm shedding my baggage, and my shoulders are getting lighter and lighter all the time. For your thoughts surrounding what relationships will be like as Dee, remember YOU OWN YOURSELF NOW, therefore no one can ever disown you. That's probably the most gratifying feeling of living authentically for me; before now and throughout my life I was always "owned" by what I was supposed to do for others, and disregarded what I needed to do for me. You do not need to tell anyone until such time it is right for you and you will know when that time is right. Enjoy pride weekend with your niece and take as little or as much of Dee with you as your comfortable with and enjoy the time owning yourself. It's never been a struggle for me becoming Jessica; the struggle lied in losing the self identity as cis male that should never have been mine to begin with.