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I have just spent the last hour trying to convince my son that he has to give my ex wife's new partner a chance. In his own words he does not like the change (there were a few clashes while he was on holiday with them during the Easter break) and so he has decided that he does not get on with her new man. I literally had to say, "she has moved on and so have I"... then very quietly muttered "sort of" under my breath. I am (I think) okay with being single again - still waiting for the divorce to be finalised but am genuinely much calmer inside that it was the right thing for us to do. I am not at the stage of looking for anyone else - by not at the stage I mean it isn't even on my radar. Just a pleasing passing thought. Cut to a few hours later where I am slightly less distracted. I have been feeling a bit of a fraud recently - I have not dressed properly (regularly or for any length of time) in weeks now, between being busy because Easter and Christmas are my two busiest times of year, and then because the children were off school and they take priority. But I did order a couple of new wigs, one to wear out and a fun one to wear to pride if I get the courage to go. The wig instantly made me want to dress as Dee - they definitely give me confidence that I am sorely lacking. The facial hair removal is actually going really well, after that horrendous first session I still have a red mark on my neck which I hope will fade in time, but now when I shave I look smoother for far longer - and I no longer need to shave twice a day to look clean shaven, I intend to keep all the receipts so I can tot up how much it costs start to finish. The other purchase that arrived today was an epilator - I have been poring through old threads trying to see how people have dealt with unwanted hair downstairs and most have said they either shave or epilate - I cannot contemplate epilating that area just now but decided that because my legs are pretty smooth after shaving on Monday I would give it a go - it took me nearly 45 minutes to do one leg and I had to empty the housing a couple of times. It stings but is childs play compared to to the laser. I also look like have broken out into spots - the first few passes are the worst and then as there is less and less hair it gets easier and easier. I thought my hair was short, but I am going to shave before I do my other leg tomorrow morning. If I can get used to it I intend to do my legs, rear and arms as losing an hour once every couple of weeks is far better than 20-30 minutes every other day for the imperfect and short lasting effects of shaving. I have moisturised and am waiting to see if my leg feels smoother once the pores settle down. I have been feeling a bit of a fraud - recently I have started to feel comfortable with my transgender self - comfortable with the idea that I actually want to try hormones to see how they make me feel and comfortable with the idea that it could mean a great deal of change in my life, but if I can cope with it then I should be a far more contented person even if it is going to be long and messy and not just quietly done over a few years. Yet I have not done anything, my ex and mum have not been told, when I talk to anyone even those who know I use my male name because if I asked them to use Dee then the kids would suss something is wrong. I donated to someone who is doing a charity event and I felt bad signing my male name even though I had to - if the donation was public folks would have asked. I also wrote an article for a news magazine and used my male name but I find myself hesitating about it now. Yet when I was writing my most recent blog I was thinking about growing up - I always saw myself as a male, I thought of myself in a binary male gender way all throughout my childhood. It is hard to think of myself as a woman without being dressed as Dee - sometimes it happens when I am chatting online, but usually the clothes help me feel more like me. Yet I know that being Transgender is not about the clothes I wear, or growing my nails long (which I am delighted with although one had to be trimmed and ruined the effect yesterday ) or even being able to pass as female. I know that the more I do to remove my body hair the happier it makes me feel - I know that I am back eating healthily and increasing my exercise to lose weight and become fit enough for a challenge next year and yet in my head I am wondering if I will be running in leggings and a womans top or shorts and a mans top - even though I am too scared to leave the house in my pink and grey trainers to go for a run. I struggle to not eat the chocolate in the house at nights - during the day being good is easy but as the evening goes on the more I am drawn to the chocolates left over from Easter. I just feel like I am putting it all on at the moment, like nothing in my head feels different - like I can change all the superficial things I want and yet I will still be the brother/father in my family. That was how I grew up and how I saw myself. I know it does not feel like acting being Dee, and I am using my female ID now for some streams I watch and chat in - I definitely prefer being my female avatar over my male and if I could change overnight without it being a big deal I would - yet am constantly called dude in real life and it is hard to feel feminine, does that make sense? I am still so new to the idea of being a transwoman, I just do not know if it is all par for the course or if I am just kidding myself in order to fit in with some really nice people.