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Jessicatoyou and ScottishDeeDee, Thanks for your comments. I am getting a lot out of your call to honesty. For me, my wife has been really strict in our boundaries - she has to also feel good in her skin and has often told me I rival her. She is actually quite supportive of the physical changes I have made so far as she has helped me select unisex/women's outfits and undergarments. Funny - she often helps me wear the right bras - making sure that I do not have my straps showing. Anyway, I do love her dearly and this love is stronger than my need to fully transition now or anytime soon. Also for me there are my children and grandchildren to have concerns for. Being transgender actually runs in my family as one of my cousins recently transitioned from FtoM. I am very supportive of him. For the most part I do not lose sleep over not fully being a woman. Had I known what I know now I would have transitioned as a youth. Of course my Dad would have tried to stop me I am quite sure - but I never figured out this need or even the possibility of a change when I was younger. This is where in my life it would have made this most sense for me to transition. Also knowing I could never function fully as a woman, with ovaries, able to have my own children, has kept me from pushing further with a change. I know the science on this is moving forward but is not there yet. Because am inter-sexed in my body. Writing about this in my blog. Over half of my physical attributes fit a woman's body build. So I am able to pass most of the time and actually feel fulfilled when people hold the door for me or call me mam. This is where I am - I do not go out of my way - but now it seems more natural for me to go out completely in women's (Leaning Unisex) clothing and physically looking and feeling female. Is late here - thanks for starting this blog item - Dawn

That fear is a strong one alright! I worry most about my children, who will soon become teenagers and have to deal with social bullying and peer pressure at school (more than they already do) but also the fact that I am my mum's safe conduit to my sisters as I can currently handle her mental health issues a lot better than they can, and while she is trying (with a lot of subtle help) to get over her prejudice I fear what will happen to our relationship when I eventually tell her. I also fear that the world will not accept me as female when so many have known me for so long as male. Certainly at the moment when I am still presenting male 99% of the time so the old - if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck logic is stronger than my hopes that I could turn into a swan... I experienced enough bullying as a kid to know I do not want to experience the inevitable experiences again as an adult While I have not experienced your kind of loss Jess I understand the sentiment 🤗 - that honesty is what drives me forward when all I want to do most days is forget I ever started questioning and try and go back to how life was before I started asking myself some serious questions.

Hi Dawn, Love and friendship to you, also!😘 I once perceived myself as having a fear of hurting those close to me. That changed abruptly with the passing of my wife, my best friend of 35 years. She was aware of my feminine side but never to the extent how dominant it actually was and when the time came for me to begin my transition, she became terminally ill, and never did. Now I wish I never waited; I no longer believe it saved her from hurt; but rather prevented her from seeing and participating in my true happiness and peace. Don't misunderstand me, I'm sure it would have made things difficult in our relationship, but I also feel now it would have made us even stronger. When my wife passed I came to the realization life was too short to not live it with total honesty, not just for myself but especially towards everyone else around me. 🙋‍♀️

On Tuesday and Wednesday I shaved my legs (30 minutes and 2 razors for each leg! ), on Thursday I used depilatory cream on my chest and under arms (I like the ease but it never takes it all away roughly 10 mins including the rinse to make sure the cream is all off afterwards) and today I shaved my arms (30 mins for both). 😮😫 After being hairy again for so long - I cannot remember the last time I de-fuzzed entirely but it is almost like a literal weight has been lifted. I feel so much better!! 💖 I knew I would be at home today too so I put on a simple white top and a pair of loose fitting black wide trousers with white spots and then just some mascara and lip gloss and of course my hair and had a me morning. It was three hours of bliss I did not get any work done but honestly I cannot tell you just how right my reflection felt in the mirror and my mood has definitely lifted. Even having to spend the time taking the mascara off and putting on my dad clothes did not dampen my spirits. In other news I have been trying to look up how to tell your children you are transgender and have not found much that is helpful, lots of info for parents of transgender children, and a rather toxic mumsnet thread where 3 women who had split from their partners because they came out as transgender and then projected all of their fears and bigotry onto what the kids would think (that did make me sad - I have the same worry around getting my kids bullied that they cite but they really downplayed trans as a life choice - they said their partners when from being thoughtful men to self centred shallow women) I also found a blog from a woman who had told her children by asking them if they were okay with it - I already know that mine do not like change, the split has been tough enough for them, adding autism onto that will not make them say yes lol. However they dressed at home for a year in front of their children before they went full time.Though the good advice as talking about how sometimes things are not the same on the inside as they are on the outside is something I could use.. It's been an interesting day so far! x

Rather by accident, I came across a situation which I felt I had to quickly address. I have been out exclusively authentic 100% for several months now and have been expending a considerable effort to educate my sister (age 68) . brother (60), and elderly parents (89) on my transition. I am very comfortable with it and I want them to have the opportunity to be comfortable too. Over the last 45 years we have had very little contact. We talked over the phone occasionally (maybe 25 times over 45 years?) but I now understand that my dysphoria was a significant factor. The rest of them were always doing family stuff together, but I always excluded myself and my own family from participation, not attending weddings, graduations, and other gatherings typical of extended families. I grew apart from the cousins, aunts, and uncles, I grew up with into my late teens. So, fast forward to now? I recently bought a house an hour and a half away from where my parents and sister live in retirement. I came out to everyone right after, about 3 months ago, and have been also sharing in the care of my parents with my sister while simultaneously educating them. My parents were initially fearful of what others would think but through continuous but short, heart to heart conversations, they have finally overcome that. I was blindsided yesterday by my sister... here's how. An Aunt passed away last week and the funeral is only 2 hours from me. I also have cousins that live within 2 hours of me and I had no idea. I offered to attend with my sister and brother-n-law, not thinking at first that no one else in the family knows me as Jessica yet, then backtracked. But...I told my sister it would be a good opportunity when anyone asks how I was doing to answer "she's doing great" , give them my phone number if they want to say hello, and I'll take it from there.. Well, when she got back Tuesday night I asked her how everything went. She was evasive in answering me but I pushed it and it turns out she didn't want to bring it up because "she wasn't sure my parents would be okay with everyone in the family knowing!##%%!!!!???? Furthermore she confessed she has told some of my relatives but "swore them to secrecy". I suddenly realized that while I thought she was an advocate she needed to understand much more. So I explained to her she cannot make those decisions on my behalf! I understood that she does not yet understand, but I will teach her to if she wants to learn. (I told her that the first day I came out.) I made it clear that ….. I WILL NOT BE HIDDEN!!!!! If anyone wishes to hide from me, that's an issue they have to deal with, and that's okay with me! But I will never be hidden!!!! So today, (actually yesterday as I write this) I went to the Villages and had dinner with my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my brother and sister-in-law, and after a productive group conversation I'm pretty confident.... now..... they are all on the same page as me. We'll see!

Hello Jessica - You are so courageous. There are several of my family members who do not know I am Transgender. I actually have fear of hurting them and I do love them - this is my tight rope. Most of my family who really count, do know I am transgender and most of the time I openly dress in unisex women's sportswear and undergarments, even when in unisex/boy mode. If someone sees me for the first time and does not know me, no matter what I wear, they almost always code me as female. (Calling me Mam, Lady, Babe) I am comfortable with this but TELLING/ANNOUNCING to everyone that I am a woman in a mans body and that I like living as a woman - this has been something I currently could not do. So as I said I respect your ability to be totally honest in this respect. Love and friendship to you - Dawn

Dear Jessica, Not transgender, but a cisgender Lesbian, yet I know what it means to be hidden. Called my oldest brother, after years of no contact, and his son in law picked up the phone, and when I said I was his sister, he was amazed, as he was told he had no sisters! Interestingly, his wife and step daughter kept his wife's ex-husband's name, instead of taking his name! Have no contact with the rest of my relatives (cousins, aunts and uncles), but I consider my T/LGB friends my family! Sadly, my T/LGB cousins live on the other coast (Portland, OR), with no contact. Also, I have a bisexual (really Gay) brother in a miserable marriage, for fear of the treatment I and his T/LGB cousins received. A few years ago, I went to a family reunion, and saw how my family treated a second cousin's wife, who is an American Black, and her children, who are racially mixed, and the husband of another second cousin, who is a motorcycle club (not gang) member. They are not my family, you (T/LGBs) are my family! Your sister, Monica