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Yesterday was a long day, my ex mother inlaw came up for an overnight stay. My son has been stressed all week, they are now in what we call the tattie holidays in Scotland (because schools used to give children 2 weeks holiday to go and harvest potatoes (tatties)) so he will be away all week. His stress is because my ex is getting married this coming weekend, and he will be at her wedding and not with me - because it is also my birthday weekend. Next week I will get to have both kids though, so I am looking forward to hanging out with them. I actually get on quite well with my exes mum, we have some similar interests when it comes to watching design and housebuilding shows so the night wasn't too strained or awkward, and I cooked us all a roast chicken dinner. I had already packed everything for my son so they just had to get up and go this morning, so now I have a week to myself. The first thing I have done is get dressed, simple and lazy makeup because it is just mascara and lippy, and just because I know I am not going anywhere so it is purely to make me feelgood about myself. I have also put my nails on, I have then spent a little time making a start on a costume that I am trying to build - in my imagination I would like to wear it to a convention one day, but in reality I will probably just post a pic or two up and then hide it in my wardrobe. I did look outside on the offchance I could maybe sneak out for a drive, but it is wet and miserable, and there is nowhere I could go and stay anonymous. So The American Barbecue showdown has kept me company today while I have been crafty. This is one of those times where I wish I had friends I could go out and meet as Dee, because I am feeling comfortable in my skin, even if I am also feeling quite down. I would not want to get back with my ex, but I cannot help but throw a temper tantrum at the fact that she could spend years tearing me down and then go off with someone, while I have to build myself up from scratch and as a trans woman without any idea what I will do or how to do it, le alone who with, I am pretty much resigned to being on my own. Today I just want to curl up and snuggle with someone on the sofa. 🙎‍♀️

Your nails are pretty...I always have a tough time with mine, but I find working on them always brings me more in touch with who I am, or rather who I always was🙋‍♀️. Make the most of this week, let yourself go some more...take a bubble bath, pamper yourself, put together the prettiest outfit you can , take Dee out for some fresh air a little every day!

Thanks Jessica, it is a little thing, they are stickers, so you just peel them and put them on before cutting them to the size and shape of your nail, as I rarely get to be me for much time it helps to have something that can come off quickly, though I am probably going to put clear nail varnish over these to make them last until I need to go out somewhere. It does make me feel good, I have painted my toenails a baby blue colour but I am not very good at doing my feet even though I like to see the colours when I am barefoot. Monica, thank you for your kindness. It was toxic, and I am better off away from it, but while I assume I am a lesbian because I still find women attractive, it is possible that I am bi and was just in denial 🤷‍♀️ either way, until I am happy with the world knowing who I am and simply contecnt to be me, I will not be looking for someone to be with me. I am a magpie too and love shiny things! I have always just had to keep a lid on quite how much lol. Butterflies have become quite an icon for me - they definitely represent the journey well, my hope is that I am starting the process of coming out of the chrysalis stage. I no longer identify as a caterpillar and I do not yet see myself as a butterfly, but one day hopefully x

Dear Dee, Love your finger nails - I love sparkly things (maybe that's why I love Christmas 🎄 so much!) They look professionally done!! It is good you are on this journey single but with good friends (us!) because you do not know where you may end up in this journey. There are a lucky few of us who have had a supportive partner from from start to end, but there are some of us who leave an otherwise good partner because we end up identifying as Lesbian or Straight. In your case, it sounds like you were in a toxic relationship, which toxicity had little or nothing to do with you being transgender. Think of yourself as a 🦋 butterfly, coming out of its cocoon. In due time, you will find the right person to share your life with, who brings out the best in you and you bring out the best in them. Your friend, Monica