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Hi Raina, I always feel better once I have collected my thoughts. The fact that we are similar ages and have similar worries in many areas also does help, so thank you for sharing. Keep going with your exercise and eating regimes, as your body starts to strnegthen you will find some of the issues go away on their own, while others will dog you for the whole time. Losing 45 pounds in 4 months is an amazing achievement, and at a realistic rate for it to stay off don't just think about what you still have left to do but recognise that you have already done a lot! My favourite wig so far was a dark blonde bob style that I actually bought off Amazon by a company called Forever Young and was £30 including delivery, and today it is selling for £14.99. I prefer caps to lace fronts as I can never truly hide the lace. I have worn it frequently and it has lasted well, though I will eventually go and get fitted and buy some more expensive everyday ones when I need to start wearing them all day rather thana few hours at most. As for friends I would suggest that now you know why you have been pushing people away you may find that as you stop hiding who you are that they gravitate towards you sa you do things that you enjoy anyway, just try not to fall into the old habit of pushing them away! Thank you for opening up, I know it can be hard and scary but it is great that the people in your life who matter are supportive and you do have friends here too.

Dear Raina, You are a very courageous woman. Am very impressed how you are dealing with your reality head-on. Please keep writing - that is how you will heal! You are well on your way to finding your authentic self!! Yours truly, Monica

Hi Raina, I’m sorry to read your story but am glad you wrote it. I can understand and empathize with how your life has been so miserable. You’re 43, yes, but you really can have a life of joy and authenticity. (I started my transition journey 3 years ago at 61. I’m happier than I’ve ever been.) It sounds like your wife supports this, thank goodness. I suggest trying not to dwell on the past, set your sights on the future but don’t get stuck in that either. Somehow, and it’s not easy, it’s best for us to take things a moment at a time, live in the moment. Like you’ve been doing for your weight loss, which is very impressive. Take it a day at a time, and work your program to get it lowered. Consider using your weight loss as a personal project, an important and critical part of being authentic to yourself. And if you fall off your program don’t beat yourself up. Hey, you’re human. As humans it’s impossible to be perfect. Dust off your psyche, remind yourself of your goals, and just get started again. That’s the way these journeys are. One day at a time, one step at a time. Love and best wishes, Emma