stephani

Good luck with this new endevor , so much to ask of you after so much to simply arrive , you take care and try not to let it overwelm you out of the starting gate . Huggs Be well and healthy. Steph

I set pondering upon the time I have spent here , so many questions so many answers , what to hold onto what to let slip away , I know that I cant take all this information with me because it slips away like the sands held within my grasp , am I mistaken , do I reatain the guideance I have learned from so many here , I would like to think that some where within this cluttered mind within my skull it is all their waiting for the moment it is needed but I grasp to remember and nothing comes forth , am I simply growing to old to draw on it or has it been dumped for some thing newer and more relevant to the time I am currently passing through , The next shinny piece of information I know holds the answer to my question , oh how badly I feel when I cant recall every thing I have learned , I poke I prod but nothing dribbles out .... So sorry I have drawn a blank what was I talking about .. LOL , oh yeah My mind is to full time to organize this stuff any one know how to dewy decimal this stuff I failed Library in grade school , LOL . I know just another bit of rambling but hopefully it took your minds off of a days worth of information over load like it has for me . Love ya All . Steph

Sorry Sweetheart , just popped on and saw your responce , Thank you very much as I said I really was apprehencesive about going and seeing one , (You know the Anxiety Level was ungodly LOL ) But I was eventually going to have to have a face to face with someone anyways so why not now , Right , no time like the present . It has been a long time coming and life just kept getting in the way I was again broken and at my wits end , I just said to hell with it and the bills and the rest can stew for all I care .(LOL). I feel better but, had another anxiety attack yesterday , just about the now what's you understand , I have waited and put things off so long they pilled back up on my plate , this Fat chick cant eat that much (LOL) , eccentially I live fulltime so I am not really worried about this concern if she brings it up I cant dress any more Feminine then I do ( atleast not till my Breasts grow a bit more , this Acup bra leaves alot to be desired LOL) , also I take HRT so aint worried about that either , just the little things I still am in the process of dealing with , OMG I am rambling I am sorry Hugs Hun , PM me if you want , and Thank You so much . Your sister in Life : Steph XXX

Back yet again , I just thought I would add another twist to your ponderance , 4 months in on HRT and guess what , No smell , slight after taste after a while but other then that nothing so it is possable that your GG friends have a valid point, but also I still maintain that it really is a personal thing , like dislike , smell dont smell , gag or swallow , all up to you and your partner .

Big smiles , glad to hear this opportunity came your way , it is a terrible time to try and find work not to mention all the other concerns and aspects of finding new employment . Congratulations I hope it stays favorable for you long into the future .

Ok , yesterday I had my first session with my new therapist ( by the way didnt have an old one ) She's a great little lady , open to the needs and concerns we have concerning Transition , It is so hard to find a qualified phycologist that knows and can properly aid with all aspects of transition and any other issues we may have but I think she is going to be a great help , I dont have any real issues other then those fricking SOC rules I know they are in place for a reason but I am not the only one that knows and feels them to be a detriment to those seeking the medical therapies available to us , and yes I know they are just guide lines to help with those that have no clue what , where , and how they are going to live their lives before , during , and after transition ( if this is the route you choose to take ) but for those that have a plan are mentally stable , physically able , and medically fit to undergo this tremendous undertaking it sets up nothing but road blocks and side steps to what in any other setting would have other wise been a smooth transition through life . I think she is going to be an asset in my transition and not a hinderance the fact that they the dr.'s there have aided in other transitions makes a big difference and that this is really her and the main Dr.'s specialize in and with those with gender issues helps to , the ladies their are wonderfully respectful and sincerly concerned about my needs and feelings , it is quite refreshing to have expierianced this because as so many of you know that office encounters can be strenuous and filled with tensions both on your part and theirs , these gals were sweethearts always stating my name ( stephani ) and asking if I needed something while I waited . I was apprehensive about seeing a therapist because I know how risky it is , what kind of therapist am I going to get will they help me or hinder me , will they be supportive or try and block my every move , so much anxiety over the out come when choosing a partner in transition because this is really what they are a partner helping you make good decisions in your life's journey , some one that can listen unjudgementally no matter what pops out of your mouth , The forum and all the friends we make here are a great help but some times you really need some one to look into their eyes and know they do feel what you are going through . not to mention grab you a tissue when the box is empty (this was my case :-) ) , I hope others here have a great Phycologist aiding with their transition and if not I hope you find one , Best wishes My loved friends and Friends yet met .. Huggs Oh and by the way I have read that Dr.'s seldom to never Email back well , this Dr. takes about 30-45 minutes before she gets back with me , no matter what time of night we talked before going to their office I admit this is a hard thing to find but you can if you do your home work ... I really respect these gals so professional and carring . Thanks Dr. Farnan and Dr. Burton if your reading this , yes I talked about you guys LOL I love this forum and all you guys as well ..

Oh also , You skinny B you , I wish I was that thin and sexy . The purple makes your breasts look to large for your frame so decrease a little or dont were the purple sweater . I loved the first photo very nice appeared very appropriate . Hugs

I myself do not believe it is a matter of pass or fail , how do you feel about going out enfem , are you confident in who you are then start out in little subtle changes gradually increasing yes it takes a while this way but in doing so you are less distracted with managing your enfem appearance and more in simply going about your day to day a little more confortable dressing as you wish , also age appropreatly is a big factor as well , if you want to jump in with both feet goto another town to a LGBT friendly location and test the waters , your still going to be out in the public eye simply for a shorter period of time , it is important that you are awair of your surroundings so do a little recon before hand , know where to go if you need assistance those sort of things , Be safe Take your time and most of all if your confident and dont fear being outed ( because it will happen some time ) just enjoy your outing as you feel you can . Confidence in yourself makes the whole difference in others reactions , I get mammed alot then they change it up with an oh I am sorry and I simply smile and say thank you or yes it's ok , it doesnt bother me if they think one way or the other I dress female because I am female the Hormones are helping but they are limited in what they can do for me at this time of my life so I simply live my life out like I live my life , Confortable and confident knowing I am who I am no matter what society says . I will say it was not easy the first time I went out but I realized I didn't need their approval I needed mine .

Apparently your channel is unavailable , I did subscribe non the less . sorrowsbreath if you were interested my dear , I thought it funny that they really thought they were big boys until you started to tape them then oops were'd they go oh behind their buddy and that stand pole, and the guy in the back attempting to out you no one seamed to give one rats arse what they had to say . so funny , West coast accross the pond Haha so funny , everyone wants to be a gangsta , what a deuce , Ya a Shyte head be he behind the pole .LOL Take care hun hugs steph

Just a bit , alot depends on the guy and what he injests . at times its strong and harsh to take , others it's a bit more mild , but either way , GG's will back this up its just a nasty after taste , you can some what get use to it and some times some never do it's a personal thing . just like oysters you like them or you don't . can you aquire a taste and like for it I still say it's a personal thing . I have my days when just the smell turns my stomache other days were its not such a nausious thing . I insist on a rinse with a soda after words just to lesson the after taste this makes it a little more tolerable at least for me . I hope this helps confirm or debunk your ponderance .

Understood and well put , I was simply courious to your thoughts .. I suppose you are correct on numerous points , and am glad to hear your side of the glass on the tg you stopped . Yes I suppose the sex industry does stir some seedy individuals your way but dont they desirve some compasion a a hint of respect if they are showing you the courtasy ? A set of bars is a set of bars it's the individuals on the other side I am often worried about ... some times it's not the one's on the inside that frighten me , it those who closed the door I believe need to be watched a little closer , to often their the ones that cause the so called self inflicted injuries , or perpitrate the brutal attack that leads to the they must of slipped and fell then twisted their neck killing them on the way down physicality ... I don't wish to sound as though I don't respect nor admire the great job that so many underpaid officers do in the name of their fellow man but as you are I am sure awair there are snakes in the grass that will strike out in anger for those that they have no desire to understand .. I want to thank you for your Service , So Thank you so very much you are appreciated . You take care , and huggs Steph

I notice that you mentioned your heading out to arrest bad guys , maybe you could shed a light into the mystery of the force ... In the past and as far I know there are still officers that believe that we TG's are no better then child rapists or petafiles and need to be taught a lesson that society doesn't need nor want us around and deam them selves worthy the task of punishing us for being Trans in any form . do you feel that these officers should be thrown to the wolves behind bars for the abusses they subject us ( wide ranging not specific to myself or you )too , or should they simply be repremanded in public and patted on the back behind closed doors like so many do and have been .... I would also ask what do you suppose they would do if you came out to them as being trans , would you find your self in the situation so many others have found them selves in or would they gladdy remain your partner or co-worker , I am just courious , what were your past beliefs about trans individuals when they ended up being in front of you and your blinking lights .. I wont ask any more questions These are hard enough to answer thats why its nice to have an officer come to the for front now maybe I can feel a little safer knowing that there are more then one TransOfficers working within the force . Sorry if to direct, You will find out thats just how I am , Welcome to the forum and the blog section . hope to hear more from you in the future .. Huggs Steph

Hang in there and stand your ground , yes your brother is upset and rightfully so dont you think , he's always been Bro to Bro so it's going to take some time for him to understand that his ultimatums toward you and the family are really quite silly and insignificant in the larger scheam of things , not only loosing you to transition but the parents he has put into this precarious situation , turning the family into my way or no way isn't the answer I am sure you will try and help him understand this when he cools down , it might be soon and then again it might take a life time just be patient like you have in every other aspect of this final desision . I truelly wish you all the best hopefully the new job will fit the bill for you and all levels out into a nice orderly life . all the best and my thoughts go out for your family . Hugs Steph

I know it has been a long time since I have been posting . I have been wondering why nothing I do manages to bring me to the point that My life is complete , I try to find work at home yet still manage to have to continue what makes me sad and discontent with my existance , I know I should be content in having work , yet for some reason thats is no consilation , I do however feel content with who I am I wear what I want I get up on good days when I put on my makeup and do my hair up and look at the world as it is full of opportunities and wonders yet to be discovered by my eyes , my mind and simply smile that little smile we all have on those sort of days . I dont feel this is anything great , I dont feel this to be some sort of special thing to be held high just a day in the life of a woman , highs, lows and days that are simply just another day . I have looks but nothing in the shadows creaps , at least none that I look to find . Every one that looks for some special feeling it might be there but for me knowing who I am brings no white bright fuzzy feelings they are simply the feelings I have always held . For those looking for that moment, search for it, find it , if it is to be had , I must and do feel that I should advise there is no better joy then simply knowing you can make it to the end of today with your head held high. Finally stop feeling you have waisted another day attempting a feeling that might and for some never have existed , stop waisting away and hold today in your eyes for what it is another day to be enjoyed with you in it . The days are for you to hold in your hands and make them for what they are opportunities , dont waiste them they pass so quickly , ( I aint getting any younger ) any questions , I didnt think so . You all have to put on those stretchy pants and colorfull blouse ( ok I like them you can wear what ever you feel best in ) . Kiss' and big Huggs

isn't it a nice change when some one that has some sort of expieriance with photography can honestly give great tips to enhance our photos , often times people simply wont tell you the whole story and hide tricks that enhance the expieriance for us , I never knew that such a simple trick could help with a mirror nor did I know about the mirrors within a camera neat stuff , I would agree with the multiple picture aspect I find that one picture might be ok but just by moving the camera slightly a great picture emerges ... You can get a good picture with lower priced cameras but there is a noticable difference with a top quality camera compared to a through away one ... sadly most of cant get the professional camera's and need to use those cheaper modles , Pixel definition has alot to do with the resalution quality as well , look for the most pixels for your dollar . If going with a digital camer that is ... I like my hair to be long and since I am naturally a brownish red head I like that look the best but I love to change my hair color ( keep them on their toes LOL ) the one that I get the most compliments on is a bit Goth ( dark maroon , a hint of purple ) I love it but sadly it doesn't stay around long .... I prefer the Gothic look not to be confused with the Goth look , two seperate looks with hints of both ... I suppose in time I will have to tone it down but I am not 80 so I have some time to play LOL , I think what ever makes you smile you should go that route , you will be or not be approched varring on the mans taste and preferance , tonight a bit flirty and tomorrow a bit exotic , mood has everything to do with presentation and approchability , you know this I am preachin to the quire LOL... I believe if you are going to use alot of makeup ( Goth look ) you should tone your wardrobe down to a more nutetral tone , then in its self toning down the makeup naturaly ... if you are ging to be flashy with dress then tone down the makeup , ( Gothic look often akin to that of strawberry short cake and much like the gal in Van Hellsing , flashy dress and a bit playful and with the makeup being defined but not heavy )Or if you are just going for the every day look emphasize your best features ( lips ) or (eyes) never both this creates a over done look and this is what you are after , if you wish to create a more exotic tone use a lipstick that is one to two shades lower then your complextion this will give you that look if using lip line then one shade lower then lipstick , green eyes use lavendar tones for your eye shadows this brings out your eyes and makes them pop , dark colored eyes mint tones will do the same as well , dont forget to use conceiler to cover any dark cyrcles and shades around your eyes use a white eye liner on under eye (tear line )with a 1/4 of bottom eye (outside curve) shaded as upper to define upper eye curve , use a cinnimon tone for upper eye line it will be less pronounced yet still defining ... Blush should be the same tone as the inner part of your bottom lip , pull it down and match will look more natural thus giving that natural glow ... I hope these tips help you .

Within our minds we create lyrics of our lives , does your heart play the tune for the world to hear or do you simply humm the tune to your selves ... Within life the rythm plays and we create our songs of life , Do you hear your symphany playing your tune , or are you tone deaf .. As we walk down the streets watching others pass by , we often hear their songs playing loudly , what do they hear when they pass by you ? Do they hear a beautiful sound or do they wince in aggony when they hear your song playing loudly ... It has been said that we walk to a different drummer why do you suppose this is , do we really sway to a unharmonious tune as we walk through life or is it that those others are simply tone deaf and simply can't hear the beautiful song we are marching to ... I sit within this truck waiting to deliver yet another load singing loudly to what is playing on my Iphones music app. and it comes to mind how we do really walk through life singing a tune of our own , maybe this is why so many around can't seem to or be behind us in everything we do in life , maybe they just simply don't listen to the same music that we do , maybe they are a little country and we are a little rock and roll , maybe they are blues and we are classical , maybe we are harmony and they are rythm .... I guess what I am trying to say that no matter what song we play for the world to hear not everyone can appreciate the music we appreciate and sing out , nor will they ever begin to like it... I know that with every style of music there are some that I simply will not and can not seem to acclamate to , yes I do hear the rythms and styles of every one around me but I simply can not get into it as they are , my passions lie in all of humanity but some of those players do make me wince by their tune , is this a good thing I suppose it is and then again I suppose it isn't , maybe I like to appreciate it at a lower tone and possibly eventually I will become intune with them , I would like to think that I will , it's hard to say that I will ever truelly become appreciative to the tune they are playing ... I liken it to being stuck on a bus or the subway with a bunch of battling portable boom boxes , each trying to hear their favorite tune and ever turning the thing up louder and louder , I can't enjoy one when three more tunes I like are blairing in my ear .... Maybe if we all ( before you get upset all of humanity not simply those transitioning or those who have transitioned or those that will never transition or even those that prefer to be any aspect of the trans gender spectrum )simply tone down to a reasonable range the people around us could finally enjoy being around us and our tune , it's even possible that they would finally appreciate other forms of music playing through life ... Just a thought ... I realize that I am enalagising the struggles that we all face but I think that since every thing on this planet does resinate a tune that connects us all together it would be a good way to make us all think , Who of us doesn't like to hear a beautiful song playing it gets us into a state of happiness or saddness depending on what we are hearing connecting us once again to our fellow man or woman walking through life with us ... Play your song for those around you , make them humm along with you and smile when they are in your presance ...

My moments came my freshman year of high school , I lived with my dad and his family ( step mom and half sister ) they ran a foster home and on weekends they would leave the house and me alone to enjoy My time in the house , my sisters clothes for the most part fit perfectly and what didn't I usually grabbed some thing from one of the foster girls stuff , I had all day to dress and do my chores I was in complete heaven , I didn't ever go out because of the tight nit nieborhood very christian and always peeking around the curtains to see what the neibors had going on you know the type but I was completely content staying inside just as long as I had ME time .... So calming and so necessary if I hadn't had that time I would not be here today , it was really getting that bad for me , It was back before the net so I had no information on this that now I have full understanding of ... I did have gay friends but they had no idea why I was and am the way I am so they were of no help back then I felt alone but I knew who I was and what made me happy so I simply did what I had to do to survive ....

Thank you hun , I was just venting a bit trying to rashenellize a bit I suppose sort of getting out what I know inside I know you and others can understand what I am saying ... well yeah I guess sorta it does support the thought of victomization but more in the lines of self victomization we all fall prey to so many views and misconceptions that we start believing the hype often stopping taking the blame from ones self and letting others take the fall for our own misgivings its some what easier to simply blame others when deep down we know that we were at fault and simply went along with the status quoe , maybe this is why I felt so badly for so many years, but, now I seam to understand and can openly take some of the blame for my wrong steps along the way .... I dont want anyone to make the same mistakes and later in life realize that they truelly had the power to change their own live's path , Yes I do fault some blame on past views dispelled upon me growing up but when I became older I should have simply stood up for who I was and moved down my path but I did not I simply traveled down the easy path and I can see that now ... I am not sure if you were saying that I need to clear some things up or add some more to the post or simply that I have been missed hopefully the latter (LOL) I really have missed coming on here and chatting with my friends and everyone that comments about responces it is a great place to find the help that we so deservidly need and desire ... I really dont know were I would be without this group and the forum , still struggling to understand and cope I suppose.

The tounge is quick , the mind is slow and the ears hear what they will .... Keep in mind that others speak but do you hear what they are saying , or are you thinking they said what you thought .... LOL steph

It has been a while now since I last made a Blog entry so I felt it due . I set and often wonder why time seems to pass so quickly in our daily activities but yet it appears to stand still in so many of our Transitions . I know that this is all simply a misconception on my part but yet this is how it feels at times , as the sands of time slip away we often feel that we are moving forward in our day to day lives but our perceptions of our transition slaps us in the face seemingly telling us that you are stuck in this , there is no way you are going to ever be able to finally become the person within , You know that I have often struggled through the years with this and as I have been writing my book I came to realize after reading it correcting it and rereading it 20 times that , ( here it comes ) I transitioned along time ago ( Ok maybe not that long ago laughs a little to self ) just because my body still outwardly appears to be male I never stopped being and doing everything I really wanted to be and do , this might seem strange to a lot of you but others will know exactly what I am saying . The fact of the matter here is that everything in my life I have done I thought it was out of necessity but when in all reality I still lived the life I felt comfortable living , I realized that I still feel sexy and just as female as I did when I realized who it was that I am . The clothes didn't make the difference , the hair didn't change anything my girlie actions didn't affect my life , I did , I affected my life ... I dictated my actions , perceiving these were the actions I was suppose to take this was the way society and family wanted me to make and do but I had the control I could have made a different life if I would have realized this when I was younger , but it wasn't time I still needed to grow and experience so much more of what life had to offer me , does this mean that I am not going to go through the physical transition no this means that I am that much more driven to accomplish this ... I simply do not need any approval from society to be me because I have always been me and will always be me , just a few alterations to the outfit I was given at birth .. The sight of who I am in the mirror saddened me in the past , making me feel I was trapped but as of late time has shown me that I have never stopped being the person that I had glimpsed in the mirror , You might then say that if I realized all of this then why would I even need to change the stitches in time well because the outfit doesn't match and it is a problem , but a simple problem not one that really hindered my life nor my personal decisions , I really hope you understand and can come to some understanding in your own lives . It is still an up hill battle for me but at least now I can see a little further down the path I have taken ... Like the adage says life is what you make of it , I have made a good life I will never stop feeling this is true , I have made my life my own no one else did it for me they never took my hand and showed me that this is what and were you need to be , they simply told me to go into life and do , that's exactly what I did , I made my life with my own view of it , I might then again might not have made some other decisions along the way if I knew then what I know now and went through physical transition , I will never know but from this point on I will still make My decisions for My life , I will walk with a swing , I will still cry at movies , I will still show my mannerisms when I talk and move , I will still act like the B**ch I am when I get mad , and I will still Hold my family in dearest regard like only a Daughter a Sister a Mother and a Grandmother can .... Final thought , If you need to blame society for mistakes in your life , you should talk to some one that can show you that the mistakes in your life have been made by you not society ... Love who you are not who you think you should be , be who you are not who you want to be ... SPR

I know that this winter has especially taken a toll on me but how about the rest of you ladies and gental men ? This winters snow fall has seamed to grow considerably since the last years , I should know I have traveled about 84 % of this winter in snow and icy conditions, not to mention the end has been wet thank goodness for that I was about to snap if I had to see one more snow flake fall . ... I really dislike the cold and I really dislike those that seem to think they have to be out in the inclimate weather, why in the world dont these idiots stay at the house and out of harms way , they dont know how to drive on the dry roads let alone when mother nature stacks on ice and snow .... Trust me if I didn't have to I wouldn't even step one foot out into the stuff , but since the frieght has to get to the stores I must ( for now anyhow ) ... I know that there are times that you need to get out and run to the store for food but just to be out in the stuff to run around eeeessshhhh no wonder nature has natual selection..... Ok I wont say any more just look to hear the tales from you all .... And By The Way .... Thank you all for just being who you are .

Thank you my dear, tears are anything but weakness .... They are the strongest thing I know they can hold every emotion every thought and every feeling , they bring us relief and joy .... Thank you sorry I know you added this a long time back but I am just wondering through my tidbits and wanted to reply to those I missed... Huggs

Thank you amie, I post a ponderance of questions at times they are simply to bennifit myself by openly asking the hard questions we all have to face and deal with on a daily basis , I know that I am not alone in all of this , there are times that we all feel this way and yet we are surrounded by friends and family that love and care for us, and even with them by our side we are still alone .... meaning in life and death we come in and go out souly by ourselves.... always alone within, no matter the time nore the place we stand alone in our daily struggles.... I thank you for the lovely post about your personal spiritual compas , mine however is slightly off true north , I understand that humanity needs a guide to maintain some sort of order but order in life is humanities downfall nothing in life has true order nothing in the Heavens has true order as well the battle between good and evil is constant the easies way to test this is in the forces of a magnet it has both positive and negative sides of the same piece of earth element , try and force the two together and they fight to be appart turn them to each other and they live in harmoney, we to are the same mostly carbon the universe and the heavens alike.... I understand God hears us but what of his pliet to hear but yet unable to speak.... hands that are strong yet to weak to touch .... my thoughts on religion are known and understood I take solice in knowing that nothing I have done nore will do will bring down any brimstone or wrath from the almighty and I also know that we are one with everything and everything one with us.... That in which we all search is within us and when we return to the energy of the heavens we are turned to perfect harmony as in the begining.... The true Therapy for me is doing this I have gone to a therapist and discused thoughts views and inner tourmoils yet the best they could come up with is I simply think to much..... That is who and what I am a thinker a deap ponderer, to be anything less would be dishonest to myself... My writings are simple they give meaning to me and bring out the pains inside , the tears flow at the most unoportune moments yet I hold them in and the pain wells up inside , I love to cry it is very theraputic the tears know the pain and wash it away and yet I moarn the fact they have to carry the burden they never ask for my sorrow they fall with pride in doing so ... yet at times the tears can no longer fall they have given all they had they have to hide as we have inside.... I hope you understand this just another one of my many courious writings I suppose, My point in all this is I feel to much at times and at others I dont feel at all , this scares me because I know that without feeling I am no more then the next uncarring unfeeling dult wondering through life without purpose nore meaning .... I never want to feel empty it is part of who I am full of everything good in humanity, I feel , I empathize , I understand , I care....I am I ..... Thanks again for letting me release, I hope you didn't think I was being fasceasous or confrontational, these are the farthest from the truth.... I thank you for the opportunity to grow from the insites of another I charrish these moments.... As Always my thoughts for you and Huggs as well Steph

Yes it is a long and argourous journey we set out on when we realise the time has come to become who we know we are ... I and so can many empathize with you we have all been there and are at some point still there no more no less just there , waiting to get this boat back in safer and more steady waters , the winds of change come and go we must wait them out and ride them when they arrive ... so continue to do what you must just to feel more at ease and understand that it has taken this long to understand , and now it will take a little longer to become complete .... If that is really ever possible we will always find some little thing that buggs us and want to change or fix , just knowing that no one is and will ever be perfect and some things are better left alone you dont have to fix everything just make it to were you are finally confortable with who you are ... Live life to the fullest and finally be happy in your part of it .... thanks for a glimps into your life and your blog is just fine .... And I wasnt gona say anything about the lyrics.... B)

I suppose that I must feel something but today I am numb I dont feel anything empty inside , I dont know why but as of late I have been empty no tears fall when I cry no thoughts of others just a vast casm to be crossed .... I know that this isn't the first time nor will it be the last time I feel this way but I am courious why it happens is it our mind and bodies way of protecting us or is it like a rain barrel slowely filling and evaporating then filling again to be overflown yet again , is this normal or is it something different is it something that everyone goes through or just those that have gender issues , I would like to think that everyone goes through this and that it was not something that we have to suffer from on top of every other issue we have .. maybe it comes from our issue maybe its part of transition I am courious and perplexed by it .... Will these feelings of emptiness quit when fully through transition or do they still persist , does it mean I loose who I am or is it simply a apart of me ..... I look in the mirrow and there I see myself but then again I am gone again in an instant where do I go why must I leave ... So many questions in lfe so few answers .... The time I live without feelings and thoughts scares me will I loose my caringness and empathy for myself and humanity .... No I wont I haven't yet and dont truelly believe I ever will at least I hope I dont if I do then I as a person am lost as well ....unable to feel is a scary time Usually when it is over I fall pre to deep anxiety and depression the weight once again crushing down on my chest and heart at times unbearable , but I over come their forces and manage to make it to tomorrow , Why do you suppose this happens is it the coping mechanism we all have within our selves or is it some thing else..... Constant Highs and Lows takes a toll on us all but how we deal with them is individual , I try to ride them out anticipating the good times returning to me , the time they take seem to be farther and fewer between but I wait with angxt for I know they will come eventually , I work my mind so heavily I suppose it needs to restart from time to time ... its always on so I guess its a good thing that it has some down time to reboot .... My ponderances and daily workings take a toll on it so good for it take the time rest and come back refreshed and ready to start again... I accept this and have learned to expect it I just wonder does it make me better or worse ? Away to sleep..... Quiet and weak .... I take a break ... I leave my cares behind .... I rest within .... Caring no more ... Caring no less ... I loose myself ... I find a place ... A place to rest ... Come again I will ... Return with you I shall ... But for now .... I rest .... S.P.