KarenPayne

So true in regards to how things happen in the technical field. I think that there are many aspects that can sway things your way. I had a boss for about five years who pulled me aside one day and said "we need to document how important you are here". The reasoning was there was a huge layoff, 200 out of 1000 and much of what I do is sight unseen but critical to daily operations. He wrote up a new job description that I could backup and that also nobody within reason could match the description in a 60 day trial period. We have a process called Bumping where someone being laid off could challenge someone else for their job (yes you can bet it gets ugly). Anyways my point is I worked even harder so that I was visible and known for my work which I believe truly helped with me transitioning. So I agree with many things you mention and by all means read into your post a very intelligent person.

I see myself slightly shorter in height in the past but then not so much. I did some image blending to see myself and think the image below matched my image of myself when done about 7 years ago

One of my friends on Facebook posted this quote “The question isn’t who’s going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” - Ayn Rand I think many feel that they must wait for permission or wish it will happen but the down right truth is you make it happen. Heck I will admit to falling into this mindset in regards to transitioning but for years was the one "who is going to stop me" when it came to teaching specialty classes in self-defense. So it is possible to be of both mindsets and I am sure there are others of similar mindset. Time to take action, don't consider failure as an option but move head first believing what you are after will happen by your hands and mind.

One of my old co-workers who retired several years ago wanted to hook up so I said how about lunch. We met at a great Mexican restaurant, ate and spent an hour talking. Then we went across the street to the local mall, hit Starbucks then walked around the mall for about five lapse talking about everything under the sun. Finally say down and chatted some more. She confided with me that she wanted to get together before this but felt like I might take it as her hooking up with me. Of course she is very aware that could not happen. It was great chatting with her and we agreed to get together and go shopping in two weeks. Gave each other hugs and went on our way. Earlier in the day I received a call from my workplace who indicated that my new security ID badge was ready. So I went into work, got the new badge, very exciting to see my picture and Karen Payne below it, think I stared at it forever. On the way out asked a question and was directed to another employee who when done talking commended me on my transition and that her son just "came out" to her and that she accepted him for whom whatever he was. We had a discussion that included my analogy of "frog in the water" and several other recommendations. Have to say that was a very good chat. So now it's that time to dilate, later :-)

I have been research who to select for doing my breast augmentation in the latter part of this year. I would really like to do this here in Oregon but not sure who to trust as I have heard some not so pleasant stories. For instance one of the woman who cuts my hair told me her left breast was royally messed up and been battling with the surgeon for months now. I am not taking this lightly by any means. Very shortly hope to have my new countdown and be done with this before the end of this year.

One of the worst things about dilation is setting up. Currently I place two pillows in front of a chair, in front of this a pad design to ease the pain of sitting down then two pillows in front of that which I fold in half and place under my calves to position properly. Get out the KY and butter knife plus the dilator. Lastly turn on the timer on my cell phone. Do the dilation, clean up. Takes about 5-10 minutes to setup, 15 minutes to dilate then another five minutes to clean up. All this is when nothing goes wrong. So I just purchased but have not received yet a ramp/wedge designed for making love that in the picture looks perfect for setting me up for dilation. http://www.adameve.com/sexy-extras/sex-furniture-and-props/sp-liberator-ramp-wedge-combo-7401.aspx My guess is setup will be down to say no more than five minutes, positioning is the same everytime and believe more comfortable as the current setup sometimes takes a toll on my back and at times makes dilation simply unpleasant. My main thought is, after GRS you must dilate the rest of your life. If we just move forward to after 12 months it's once a day. For me I much rather keep things simple so the price of the ramp/wedge will pay for itself down the road. Should have it next week and will report back then.

Yes indeed, so far are signs are promising for gratification down the road, happy me :-)

I would never purchase discounted items for that exact reason and will not purchase something that looks like it has been opened :-)

I get half way to the grocery store and realized nothing is needed but ended up going anyways to pickup vegetables for dinner tomorrow night. On the ways there is an adult book store which has many toys and decided what the heck and went in. So I make a bee-line for the female toys, and there are of course more for females then there are for males and took my time gazing. The salesman came over a few times, first time he said if you want me to open any package let me know and thanked him while the second time was to show me discounted toys. I truly had no plans to purchase anything but something got into me even though I like females, not males purchased a life like (even has veins) toy but first had the salesman open it should I could put my hand around it for seeing if it was not too wide. Up to the counter and he said "I want to check the batteries", I asked what type of batteries does it take? He said AAA and not to expect them to last long as they are only there to test the toy out. Then he said, I will give you new batteries at no charge, thanked him again. Came home and for lack of better words examined my newly purchased toy and think I will try it out after my last dilation session tonight. It should be interesting as the dilators lack any real characteristics of the real thing while the toy by all means does. Update: I did try the toy out and it's safe to say I like it.

I had one friend on Myspace whom inspired me in how she lived her life on her terms, other than that I never really followed any of the known people who are trans. I do applaud those out there publicly that are trans.

Smiling and laughing can but not always brighten attitudes and well being. I was one for ignoring this for many years but have in the past few years learned to be a happier person both before and after GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) which I think can lead one away from being sad or depressed. I could not believe how much "The Other Woman" movie could make me cheerful and smile. Perhaps that is not your cup of tea, may be instead it's treating yourself to a lovely dinner with cheerful friends/family. One of the worst things we can do is sit around doing nothing, getting into a depressive state so find something to do that will make you happy. Me, I am heading out with several friends to hike for several hours :-) Take care of yourself~~~

Congratulations Eve!!! Sadly, the police will never be there in the majority of cases to interdict in such crimes, they are there in the aftermath to take the report to what happened. It is not just the United States but all of the world. Usually those who act out our in fear of the unknown, it may hit home from how they were brought up to something simple as they admired someone then found out that person was not who they appeared to be gender wise. Every time I hear such tragedies it deeply saddens me and at the same time strengthens my resolve to train people. Yes, this is kind of a point of no return but there truly is a returning point, that is if you have not gone through gender reassignment surgery or have been on hormones for an extended period of time that causes issues down below. For me I had years to prepare with zero regrets and you need to be the same way if planning GRS.

I have been waiting to see if any of my friends would un-friend me after announcing my gender change, instead I actually gained two friends, lost zero. One I understand as we are both heavily into martial arts and have many common friends in martial arts while the other one not sure about but she is a mutual friend from a person I attended high school with on the East Coast. So to date all is well.

My guess is this is a gauge for professionals to start with and there is variation to all cells in the chart. Before surgery I classified myself as group 3 but was caught within a hybrid of type 5 and 6, kind of a meld with slight differences. So I would think it is safe to say many will have the same feelings as me, not quite fit one or another but indeed there.

See my blog entry Sex Orientation Scale at http://karenpayneblog.com/ and for some this will be new while others it will be somewhat new.

I think it was two weeks from first to middle then the first few days with the middle one was painful but got better after a few days. The larger one was large enough that I failed to get the depth of the first two by a half-inch. The middle one did not have lingering pain afterwards while the larger one did and took three 200mg ibuprofen which helped some. I am guessing three more days (3 x times per day) till it fits w/o pain. Yes I am indeed staying strong but at the same time got one more dilation to do tonight eek.

No surprise it was very painful at the back of my vagina and let me say, time pasted very slowly and did controlled breathing the entire time. I am no wimp when it comes to pain and would say I can not wait till this size dilator is fitting without any pain. Edit: Second time was less painful.

Lori, when you have time it would be a good idea to discuss a self-defense training CD as I don't have any of the equipment to do this. By no means am I camera shy and would love to get this information out to our community.

What you are going through is commonplace for someone who is unsure of their gender identity and are not alone by any means. The first step to validate or invalidate your gender is to seek out professional assistance as option one while support groups are great they are in my opinion option two as it’s a roll of the dice to whom provides information which may or may not be a professional. Our first instinct is to bury thoughts of being in the wrong body for what are brains perceive as the opposite to what we are physically. This may or may not help but in only for a moment in time and as we age the urges become stronger if there is that chemical imbalance that is the root of the feelings. There are five levels of transgender which starts off with sexual fantasy on one end of the spectrum while on the other end, the undeniable drive to transition physically. Between these two are varying levels of the two ends. A professional can guide you to the most appropriate level and possible remedies to satisfy those feelings swirling through your brain. To bury and ignore these feelings in my opinion can lead to an unhealthy and painful existence in most cases while validation is the first step to freedom Any ways writing out your thoughts is a great step forward.

My first thought was, let's give this a week or two and see who drops off my friend list or don't hear from again.