KarenPayne

This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world. Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more. Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate "what if" there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor. Right now I am flooded with emotions.

Something's that you may not consider when having gender reassignment surgery is the after cost. Personally I can afford (others may not) the various types of feminine pads, ultra-light thin Always, Always dailies and let’s not forget Tampax. Other items such as douche (limited usage but good to have and have only used it two times since surgery) and vaginal moisturizer. Then let’s not forget about lubrication for dilation. Right after surgery I was going through two four oz. of KY then tampered down to one container then went back up again as I would use the mid-size dilator to prime for the larger one. Now I am down to less than one 4 oz. tub per day. Four ounces of KY averages around five dollars but have also seen it for much more. Get the generic as I do and pay less than half the price of the genuine product. For pads you will need a lot in the beginning but as time goes by rather than six a day it gets down to one or two a day. Tampax are good for eight hours and with that said would not use them when going to bed at night if you sleep eight hours or more. A cisgender female may chime in with their thoughts on some of the usage yet a cisgender female will be different than a person transitioning from male to female. The cost of pads is not that bad but I suggest looking for deals. I found a deal on Always, get 108 pads for the price of 50 pads so I purchased two of them as I know full well they will be used. Do not bother with maxi-pads, at least for me I purchased a box for after surgery along with a mid-size pad, never touched the maxi-pads, instead gave them away to one of the hotel employees who would stop in and visit me at night when things slowed down. Another thing, get panties that have a wide gusset as this is more comfortable than a narrow gusset. My friend got me some thongs and just this week tried them out. They do make pads for thongs so you can go with them after a month or so after surgery but not before. Anyways thought this topic needed to be written about so others taking this journey realize there is a good deal of cost after surgery that you may not have considered.

I am so happy that your mother and sister are supportive to the beginnings of the life you are on a journey too. It is so much better having core support when travelling down this path. Best wishes on your wife being supportive.

Things that come to mind without blinking an eye, yes, surgery is a big deal but pales (at least for me pain-wise) in comparison to dilation. No sugar coating it, it really hurts. On the bright side it gets better but not before you have done this about 300 times. For me the next thing is cisgender females will talk to you about things you would never even guess, it’s a totally different world. Even cisgender females that you don’t talk to but notice in a glance or passing by on the street, for me (and I know it’s not my imagination) there is an unspoken thing, it might be a smile or a slight nod of the head. By no means do all females do this but just this week I had a handful of nods and smiles and right back at them. Next up is my mindset has changed, I am now very picky about how I present myself clothing wise. Just this morning I tried something like five outfits on, left the house and then two blocks down was still questioning my current attire. Another thing on mindset, sometimes I feel like a teenager, learning about my new body. It’s the little things, the care is different than before. Then there is hooray, no more tucking with tight underwear. There is nothing like getting dressed or pulling up my underwear after using the toilet and that’s it, no tucking. Of course tucking is small in comparison to having a vagina, it makes all the difference in my identity. And Marci was not lying, it’s sensitive down there. When my mind goes to that special place I get excited and sensations radiate from down there, so much different than the male counterpart. My hope is at three months out I will not even think about mentioning dilation which I am off to do now followed by relaxing after a long but good day at work.

Hello, Taking from me, been there and learned that a handful of my friends where against transgender people until they knew I was one and that changed everything, they are all converts. Now for my mother, same thing, she appeared to be unaccepting but that has changed completely If I may be so bold to ask you not to make assumptions (same as Emma wrote). Try hard (and I know it's far from easy) to look on the bright side that you can change her ideas of who transgender people are, she has one living in her home and you are completely normal!!!

I agree Veronica. I did tell them that I am not much of a drinker but do love to chat and get silly. I will say White Russians are one of my favs.

Yes Emma, I will tell how it goes.

One of the woman I work with stopped me and asked if I would like to go out with the other woman in my section. There are six of them that every week they go out to dinner and have drinks. She said that they all discussed should they ask me, all of them have known me for years in my former male life so they kind of know what I am like. Any ways they all agreed that I should be asked. From the short chat with had it really sounds like it could very well be a good time and get in with these ladies. What is interesting is most of them are in their late to mid thirties which is much younger then me but that is not going to stop me from going out with them. I am very grateful that they did think about me and accepted me. On a side note I have noticed the difference in what woman talk to me about before and after transitioning in general, things I could only guess or even for that fact never guess. Like when I had my nails done in the past few months, the ladies there talk to me about those things that would never surface before I was Karen. So that is simply another aspect of a continuing journey and things to look forward too.

Many times in my past life it was difficult or nearly impossible to find common ground to convey concepts and feelings to others without a conundrum in and of itself. Things change but the world in all its vastness stays small and elusive to these matters. This is where those who are members here can find common ground and try or do make sense of the issues, emotions and trials we endure. We touch each other sometime out in the open while other times silently and deep. In my own way try and invoke thought but also stay out of the dark waters yet elude to the fact caution is needed in somethings. And with that said I feel that there are some who believe their journey can be achieved through hopes and magic but you and I know that is not the case. We need to go to the deepest parts of our desires and rattle that cage and ask deep questions for without doing so we invite doom into the picture and that leads to very bad places where no one should have to go for leaving on one’s own accord may never happen outside of depression or worst. What do I mean by dark waters? It’s a bunch of little things that when combined together turns from being a ripple to a tidal wave. There are consequences for one who cross dresses or changing one’s gender that if one does not do the research may be in for the tidal wave. A consequences we all think about is “what happens if someone caught me dressed in the opposite gender” or you changed gender in mid-life and now for lack of a better phrase “a teenager again” learning things that might take years for someone to learn growing up and now one thought before the gender change it would be easy yet I know some who did not prepare beforehand. I was lucky to had done research and had gender coaches who helped me before going under the knife. Hopefully those who read this will take something out of these ramblings to heart and take time to flush out everything else in your head and focus on the matter of gender. Ask yourself “Who am I”, “Is my current path logical and sound”, “how will the decisions I make today affect me ten years down the road” or “how will indecision affect me ten years down the road”. Then take that ten years and change it to “the rest of my natural life”. Be honest with yourself. More times than I can count I spent time with myself and ask many questions over and over again until a solution was at hand and even laying on the table in the operating room I had no reservations because all my known issues had answers. Now with that said I would be lying to you saying I knew it all, nobody does so there are still some dark spots that have appeared to me but took time to overcome them. One last thing on dark waters. I grandchild ask his grandfather, what did you do in the war? Grand dad give the child a story that the child can understand and does not go into gory details or even that he soiled his pants (commonly known to soldiers as a battle crap) before going into battle. That is where I am coming from with gender reassignment surgery, myself or others generally do not go into all the details but there are some teenagers out there on youtube that will openly tell viewers that "if I had known" this would happen afterwards I would had thought twice about GRS. So do the chat with yourself and get your ducks lined up before moving forward.

Hello Haley, You are like many in this world are finding yourself and the more you explore will find that there are many just like you, same story, different phrasings. As I am sure you are learning, this is a hard path that is not made by choice but from the constant feelings in the brain "hey, this is the wrong body dear, do something about it" yet at the same time "easier said than done". This forum has many supportive people here that is like no other forum where many forums never have meaningful discussions that dig deep into your very soul but instead discuss "what are you wearing today" or "I love the feel of this or that". That solves nothing but here get comfy, read current post and blogs and then ask questions, lots of questions. Also, check out the calendar, each Saturday a handful of members here discuss common worthwhile topics and is just another facet of this site which adds to the worthiness to learning about real world "stuff" in regards to trans* (stands for the many types of gender issues in regards to transgender). Anyways welcome aboard!!!

Usually when I write an entry here it's done with some clarity but shoot from the hip meaning, sit down and write. Today the following sounded like something that needed to get out but when starting to type was very unsure how to express what I wanted to get out. So with that said it may read a bit disjointed but I will leave that to whomever decides to read on. Today is rather interesting in how the day has gone mostly in ways I am attributing to my hormone regiment. Just now sitting on the couch watching television in a warm sweater and comfy bottoms, bare feet curled up in my favorite recliner thought to myself, two years ago I would be sitting here in tactical clothes wearing my firearm and shoes. It's not simply the clothes worn but also my emotional states, watched "A million ways to die in the West"; and at one part of the movie was dilating where that part of the movie was (today) super funny which made me laugh so hard I had to hold the dilator in, mascara running down my face from laughing so hard. Before being on hormones I think I may had chuckled a tad bit but not like what happened today. Then I was watching something else that had me all caught up in an emotional moment were a man and a woman were in a romantic setting. Have to say these things may sound trivial but they are coming across big time for me. Take one thing out of many things and no big deal but putting all the little things together show me what the hormones are doing to me. I read countless postings on the web where people talk more about physical things and not so much what is going inside of them. My former self and my current self are becoming like night and day in many ways and it's happening ever so slowly, kind of like one day my hair is short then next thing I know it's several inches longer, like when did that happen. So at least for me, hormones have crept up on me every so slowly stealing away the last remnants of who I once was, today there really is nothing left of the male and could not be happier.

I noticed WarrenG wrote in his status a link to assist him in his funding for surgery. Like Warren, many require this and think it is commendable he is reaching out to our community for support. Every little bit helps in such a cause and if you have a few dollars to spare would have you consider this as a way of assisting. Donate here http://www.gofundme.com/giveWarrenaHand For the record I made my donation today.

When I had my first blood work done I was told I had hormone levels close to that of a female but no breast growth so I can see this is possible.

Hopefully I can keep it clean. Been thinking about what is it going to be like pleasure-wise for my new parts so on the way to the grocery store I stopped off at a adult shop, ask for female lube and took the sales lady's suggestion. Went home and searched the web for something that might arouse me, found one. I know it was good because feelings radiated out from that area. Used the lube and a play toy to enhance things. Bottom line, it's been five minutes after the fact and I can still feel that feeling radiating outwards and I like it a lot. Inspection/test run gets an A+ Okay, closer to ten minutes and still got it :rolleyes:

I went to a surgeon this morning. I was directed to a examination room, five minutes later the surgeon (male) and his assistant (female) walked in, did an introduction then proceeded to review the forms I filled out. While going through the forms I said "I just had gender reassignment surgery two months ago" and both of their jaws dropped. I could tell it was genuine from their facial expressions. Both of them were shocked indicating they thought I was a cisgender female (they did not use cisgender term) and said they would had never guess this was the case. I responded with "thank you". After getting past this he asked me what exactly I was looking for. I indicated my desire was to have a breast size appropriate for my structure. He then had me sit a specific way and did a whole lot of measurements. Once finished with the measurements explained three different styles and shapes and made a recommendation on a size and shape. Then the assistant was curious how close was the recommendation to my breast forms, the size was the same but the shape was different. We then went into a discussion on how the implant shape would work on me. He did indicate I had a fair amount of growth from hormones. Size-wise looks like the low side of a C cup for me. The entire visit with them was about 30 minutes followed by getting an estimate which is pretty much what I expected, $7925.00 total. Everyone I have seen is in the same ballpark. I asked about doing this in May and was given May 21st as an open date. Will check with work to see if this works which I am sure it will then confirm the surgery date on Monday. So in two months I will have boobs :-) UPDATE: See the following thread for a chance on free breast forms

Something I learned after surgery and using the toilet was I sometimes drip a few drops of pee after thinking I wiped properly. So at home I inspect the seat everytime and will wipe the seat down if there are any drops. Same for restrooms without paper covers and I have used tissues on the seat. In regards to door knobs, at work I hit the door opener with the back of my hand, still does not solve all issues but better then a normal door opening.

Hello Art, there should be no rush deciding on a name. Best advice on a name I can give is look at a list of names, pick a handful that feel right then for a week or so contemplate how each name works for you. Do this both in your mind and when you can say it out loud, many just think in their mind while saying it out loud can make a big difference in the acceptability of a name. When I came out there were three or four should said I thought Janet was good for you while the majority said Karen was perfect. I spent more time on my last name then my first name. But each spanned over weeks, not hours or days as a name change process when it comes time for it can take four to six weeks and there is tons of paper work. You may not be ready for that now but it's good to get use to a name no matter when the name change is done, tomorrow or years from now.

I have been using them for the past year. mostly public restrooms such as malls, restaurants and the likes. What is was surprised about was hearing women siting in the stall next too me and would say that 95% of them use the paper on the toilet to protect themselves while on contrast I would say it's almost the reverse for the men's restroom. Not that I am sitting there listening for that but for whatever reason this is the case. Anyways I always when available use the paper cover as one never knows who or what resided on the seat before me. Even I noticed I missed a few drops once or twice unlike (and this is a very distant memory) shaking the you know what at the urinal. So that got me think about a video on the web, a plastic device so women can stand and pee, they had a handful try it out and I think they were not impressed, neither would I be either. Now in the restrooms in my company there are these containers hanging in each stall which I have been using to hang my purse on for months now. Finally was curious enough to open the lid, yes, that was a bad idea and will leave it at that. Overall I am finding the women's restroom much cleaner than the men's restrooms but there have been a few times when I went into a stall and backed out as fast as my feet would move. One final note, in the ladies restroom in my area someone leaves three bottles of hand lotion, strawberry, lavender and vanilla. Two bottles are taped together, not sure why but love the idea of the lotions there.

I totally agree with you on this, too many people just say yes because it is easy to do so.

I love it when there are discussions like this :-)