KarenPayne

Yesterday I am walking up to my work area, a woman stops me and ask if she didn’t mind me asking a personal question. Since I have only seen her (there are over 1,000 employees) and not worked with her I figured it’s one of the following stock questions, where did you purchase your shoes or something along the line of transitioning. My perspective was if it’s about my transition (which nobody has mentioned in over eight months) it’s fine as she seems like a good person. After saying yes to her question said I looked familiar but was unsure from where. Then she says, were you once male? I said yes. She then asked if she could hug me and I said yes and she did. Then she says I looked gorgeous which I thanked her for the compliment. She did say if I had said I was always female her next question would had been, do you have a brother or other family member working here as she was not certain on if I was once male. We chit-chatted for a few minutes but the subject of transitioning has passed and onto weather and the little things in life. Next up, I have joined another transgender site, Susan’s Place several months ago and this week was asked to become part of their staff which I accepted. It’s not that Susan’s Place is better than this site (TGuide) but felt the need to move on from here, at least for a while. Just keep in mind that this site (TGuide) is like no other trans site on the web and you should be proud to be here. What I have seen during my time here is a tight nit family of likeminded people who support each other and my wish is for that to keep going. In closing, I hope everyone here is moving forward on their journey and enjoying life. I know not everyone can say they are progressing and for those my wish for those who are not find some peace in their daily life.

Obtaining a female voice for the male embodied female is that thing to which can’t be surgically remedied with a 100 percent success and is the holy grail for many. So what are common methods? Mimic the cisgender voice on their own, purchase some type of series of lessons, enlist the aid of a voice therapist or go out on a limb for questionable voice surgery which statistically speaking can do more harm than good. Many factors play into how one goes about obtaining that female voice which range from being in the closet, monetary funds to available resources. Kind of hard practicing the voice with others in the house and you are in the closet or money is tight, hard to overcome these things and can be frustrating when funds and a place to practice are available but no therapist or one is shy to make appointments in fear of what they might think of you. No matter which avenue is chosen the ultimate test is picking up the telephone, talk to a stranger and have the responses coming back with female pronouns. It’s relatively easy to learn to speak female for a short time e.g. one or two minute conversations but eventually for many the vocal chords want to relax, go to a comfortable place (heaven forbid), the deep male voice rather than the soft/higher voice we aspire too. Things that can help, learn to breathe from the abdomen rather than the upper chest, placing your finger on your Adam’s apple, when at the right place the Adam’s apple rises and stays there. Try laying on the floor, this makes it more difficult to use the upper chest for breathing. Place a book on the abdomen and feel it working and if not then work on that aspect alone followed by going back to speaking at the right pitch and resonance. After getting good with one or two minute shots of female voice try these things. Speak the following and maintaining the female voice (note between each word pause a second). One, two Now do One, two, three, Then One, Two, three, four etc. Got that! Now do One, two, three, “Every dog has its day” Practice that until you are satisfied and now put together several quotes like this and pick a random one, no peeking. After speaking the words finish with describing the quote. The idea here is the first part the brain is comfortable with while explaining the quote is spontaneous and now you have to work harder at maintaining the female voice. Can’t do this at home? Why not do it when driving to work or taking a walk? When I took voice lessons I was given 30 quotes, some did more than the above as they would challenge more aspects of getting the female voice done properly. It’s important to keep in mind that the older you are the more chances there are for one to slip back into that deep voice rather than the soft voice. Lastly, set a reasonable standard for your female voice rather than go for something that is unobtainable as this will help you to get a passable voice. These are just a few suggestions that may or may not work for you but if not considered or tried one will never know. Closing out with a short story. I belong to a local transgender group on Facebook, was invited to meet ten or so at a local club. I walked in 30 minutes early, was approached by a female (lesbian) who sat down at my table and started talking to me. Several minutes into talking she asked, are you here alone? I said no, I am waiting for a group of transgender people and they are all dressing in prom dresses (I did not). She then said "is that them" pointing to the entrance. I said yes, recognized them from FB pictures. I waved and said "Hi", several stared at me from where they were standing then decided to come over. When they did I said I was part of their group. One (I think she is the leader) said :"I was not sure who you were... all I saw were to cisgender females" About thirty minutes or so into talking with them several complimented me on my looks (and most important) my voice which in this case I know they would never had said it if they did not mean it. It took me a while to obtain that voice and so happy for having taking lessons by a professional therapist who's main task in the beginning was to cultivate what I had obtained on my own.

Sounds like things are looking up for you And that is wonderful. A thought about the difference in male and female wages, in my profession, software development there are no differences in wages between the two genders. I met up with a cross-dresser recently from another site, (s)he is the team lead for a large group of developers and is fully accepted but with a twist, she works from home which might very well make a difference yet in IT jobs we are all a little off the wall anyways. If there is a point in my ramblings is I would say you are right on yet there are fields that are fine with transgender people and at the same time would guess that cross-dressers are not accepted as much as transgender in professional fields. College degrees may or may not make a difference, I have no clue. I will say that higher educated people tend to be less discriminated but how much I don't know. Best of wishes for you!

​Hi Vi, thanks for the compliment. In regards to my sister/friend, I met her back in 2007 on MySpace, we ended up dating on and off until (I think) 2010 when became friends. I came out to her in September of 2015 and she has been extremely supportive with me. I ended up as her brides maid when she married, told her future husband I needed to be her braid's maid. So we were at a party last summer, picture of us was posted on Facebook and several people said we looked like sisters, hence we are now sisters

Here is another picture

I admit to watching it but for the following reasons. First, can't remember her name, think it's Candis, she is hot. Second reason, to watch Canit make a fool at herself as in my mind still is working with a male brain rather than a female brain. The show is what it is, something for people to watch and criticize, at least that is how I see it. I record it and watch a segment then pause, go away, come back etc.

@Veronica Yes the hormones have changed me a lot over the past 12 months, that is what I am told by my friend in the picture. I am still getting up to speed with the changes and too really see them have to look at older pictures of myself. @Eve yes this is my twin sister, although we are not twins or biological siblings we started calling us sisters because of a comment someone made to us on Facebook so it stuck.

When to my best friend's today, we went to the mall for coffee and shopping. Didn't get to far, we are walking thru Macy's and she says, I want to get my upper lip done. So while standing there are sale's person asked if I wanted to have her do a make-up session. I thought, what the heck so I said yes. I told her that I am not much for makeup but would consider her doing it but was very interested in my eye area. As she is going through each step I am being told what she is doing and after doing one eye shows me compared to the undone eye. Since it was day time my eye's were done for day time. Next she did my face and contoured my eye brows. You really can't see the great job performed on me, it's not loud, instead it bends in nicely. How much did I spend EEK, $140 for makeup and better brushes. Next morning update: One attempt at doing my eye's, got it the first time!!! Also added a picture of the various products and note that the products are only for my eye's, five products with instructions on paper underneath. Did not include the brushes. One of the most important things is the "DONT STRAY" which is foundation. Yesterday the woman put eye makeup on her arm then another spot with foundation followed by eye makeup (top right) an sprayed both with water. One ran while the other did not. The mascara is to dye for. All the colors I purchased are perfect for my complexion.

Update, came home today and the pass-book and documents arrived woohoo.

Hi Briannah, Thanks for your reply. In my case I think they have kept my documents because I also applied for a pass-book which has not arrived yet and in a recent email it was indicated I may have up to three packages. On a side note, I really don't need the pass-book but thought, what the heck, get one

About just under two months I applied for my passport, three weeks later I was informed my birth certificate was not good, so I called, asked what needed to be done which was provide another one (which I had) and sent it to them. I never changed my original so it still says M for gender. Today I am now a proud owner of a US passport with F for gender. There was never anything mentioned about my gender change, only a birth certificate not being correct because it did not have my mother and father names on them while the second one did. Last thing is getting my papers back as they are originals but they did send an email indicating my pass-book is still yet to come and hope that is when my documents are returned to me. So for those following the same or similar path as me all I can say is gender change is a non-issue with the right documents e.g. Marci Bowers supplied me with the proper document the week after surgery. I now want to travel to England, Canada and the Philippines this year.

Continuing from my last entry, today I received an email (sent w/o giving out my personal address) from one of the men who was admiring me last weekend. He gave his name but could not figure out between two of them which one it was. So I replied back and found out it was yet another man whom I did not expect to receive an email from. Then I looked at his user name "The Monster" and remembered the owner saying he might be a good fit for me. I was told he can go forever in bed and has a monster (you know what). So I replied back to him indicating that we should talk this Saturday night, see where things go and he agreed. Still at odds to disclose my background as there are all types of people there, there is even a unicorn or two there, people into BDSM too. Think I will wait to see how things go as thinking about to what the owner/president said "if it were me I would not disclose you were male prior" I go back and forth with this because I don't want to surprise people and this is one of the problems with passing well. I did order another sexy dress for this weekend as I don't want to go there in the same outfit yet do have something for the following weekend (just how us girls think, especially blondes). Anyways he appears to maybe want more than just sex but also some time of relationship so we will have to see.

I've had feeling like you are having and can complete understand where you are coming from. Like you, I don't do patience very well either.

Thanks for the kind words Veronica. I am hoping next weekend will be even better regarding the club with socializing and play time. Doubt very much I would move on from here as I enjoy like minded people and sharing so others possibly may learn from what I have gone through and continue in this life.

With surgery like this is bound to be some degree of discomfort but I always view this as "Pain is transitory" and well worth the time it takes to recover. In regards to legs, I found it difficult to keep my arms down for breast augmentation and would guess this is similar to what you have gone through. Hopefuly they prescribed decent pain relief meds for you. Best wishes on a speedy recovery!!!

Well after writing this seems I went a bit past replying to your reply, oh dear, I am such a girl ​Thanks for the gracious compliments Veronica. Something your reply made me think of is how I presented myself in the conversations, was not overbearing or too quite but instead blended into their conversations. In my old identity I could easily dominate a conversation but as time travels I have been adapting as you will to the more feminine ways. I am sliding into a place where men feel very comfortable around me which brings me back to the attractive thing, I truly become overwhelmed at the attention received like last night or at the Miata club or out with friends at a bar. When leaving last night I did feel overwhelmed, in a manner of speaking my breath was taken away driving home. What really is hard to accept is that one of the men (very handsome) eluded that he wanted to perhaps get to know me for possibly a LTR. Perhaps years ago that might had been a consideration but over the past three years or so I have gotten use to my freedom. This freedom is one price I paid to transition. Transitioning from what I have read goes smoother for a single person who does not get heavily involve in a relationship yet I am sure there are those who do just fine but I felt better being single. Looking back now, for me the physical transformation is not enough to then go out and be in public such as this club but instead one must spend real time 24-7 to get into the new identity. Good to hear you got the coy thing, it's something that did not happen overnight either but developed per-say naturally out of how our society is and what is expected socially of a female. Thinking back to last night and the president's wife, she said no certain terms nobody suspected me as once being male. I feel the true reason is that time and persistence play a huge part with this which includes things like taken care of myself to what I have learned from voice lessons.

​I met some very intelligent, fun people last night who are there for both socializing and sex rather than simply sex. Learned there are just under 200 people in this club and that some make up to a two hour drive several times a month to attend. There was one couple, male, female that I could tell wanted to play with me from their demeanor and subtle innuendos towards me plus staying at my table were there were plenty of open tables to pick from. I have to admit that I was taken back at how very nice the people were and at the same time the attention (and I mean lots of it) given to me with conversation only.

I would not put much into this appraisal, I tried it again, this time I got 97 percent female and age 20. I look young for my age but give me a break, 20 for a 60 year old? There is another app, similarity meter. So I uploaded my male picture and my current picture and here is what I got.

Excited, going to a swingers club tonight. Last week I was given the tour and saw that it was just as much about sex as socializing. Tonight my plan is to socialize, get to know people and unless something intense happens will leave it at that. One of the things that I liked right up front is they don't give out their address until they exchange a few emails then invite you in before hours, 6 to 8 where the club officially opens for members at 8PM. For females the cost is twenty dollars per month. I was up front with them about being post-op, that was a non-issue with them but will be the first one. After the tour of the club the owner asked if I had any questions. I asked, should I come right out and tell members that I was formerly male. He said it was up to me but also said if he were me simply use good judgement and side on not telling them unless there happen to be an invite for playing with someone. Wearing a cute long sleeve (top drapes over the outer shoulders so no bra), just above the knee dress with Italian thigh highs with the black under the back with a garter belt, very little makeup, light eyeshadow and medium red lipstick. Update report I arrived at the club 30 minutes beforehand, was greeted by the president of the club and his wife and was introduced to several other early birds. I was asked if ready to join and said yes. Filled out a payment form, $15 for two weeks as a trial member. After two weeks the price for a month for light membership is $15 per month and full membership for $20 per month. How things went down, during the evening I was approached by a men in his early forties, talked with him for about an hour and saw he was interested. He went off to say hi to several other members then before his seat was cold had a female come over and chatted with me, next up three men who ended up getting into likes and dislikes sex stuff. They were both extremely interested in me and used the term "attractive woman" which I replied with (this is my way), thanks for the compliment but I see myself as average. One came back and said, you (me) are not average but very attractive. So I smiled and continued with the topic at hand. I was asked about me participating and said, not tonight as I want to learn the ropes. Of course the next question was "will you be back next weekend?", I said yes and will be ready to join in. Somehow we got talking about orgasams and I said that while sitting here talking I got off slightly by slightly pumping my hips while sitting down which I added could go for a long time but not to a full climax yet very satisfying just the same. I think one of my coy move was pulling up my dress in front of many men to adjust my garter belt. I slowly slid the dress up to my privates without showing them and spent about three minutes adjusting them. That got me more men coming over and saying hi. Oh, after about thirty minutes after arriving the president's wife chatted with me, first about a painting on the wall which the model had thigh highs which then had us talking about sexy underwear. She said at one point, I am so curious about seeing your vagina. I said, let me know when you want to see it and she said thanks. At this point we got into my current status as female, she said (as was indicated last week) to side on not telling members I was once male as my looks and voice (see made a point on the voice that it was female). Only disclose if I believe not telling would offend someone. The club is not about forging relationships outside of the club but instead to have a good time in the club. With that there are always the exceptions, one man said he was looking to get married again (oh lord, that's not me) and was looking at me. There was a cross-dresser there with his very supportive wife. My assessment of this person was, this is all about sex, not about passing. (S)he might pass, borderline but the voice was all male and not a completely clean shave. I will say this couple was a delight to chat with. BTW As told by more than one member, the club was setup to where females have the power per-say rather than men. There are some pretty heavy rules for anyone violating a female at the club. Permission is needed before physical contact and that females generally start things off e.g. there is a gang-bang event once a month where females are given wrist bands that they hand out to men who they want to be involved. Last week was gang-bang event, had six females going at it and heard it was great. I did not attend but did indicate I wanted to be in the event next month. Last thought, I believe my hair style was perfect, at the last minute I put my hair up in a pony tail and left strands of hair dangling down in the front which accented well with my black dress, and the black dress was the perfect choice for the night with the Italian style thigh highs, garter belt and FM (Fuck Me) black heels. Second update March 16th Today I received an email from one of the men I met, gave me his phone number, asked if we could meet again this weekend. So now I am contemplating my next action.

I agree with Veronica in regards to both of you sharing, not many couples do this.

Many relationships where one is transgender or cross-dresser that person in many cases does become self-centered until the spouse calls them out on it which at this point focus needs change from self-centered to being there for each other.

Congrats on your boobies

The truth here in my opinion is when hearing this (and have heard this many times) is what about your mental well-being? Can you envision yourself living a lie? The cold hard truth is, and should go without saying, see a qualified therapist and if they indicate you may very well be better off transitioning at one level or another to keep sane then it would be wise to entertain their thoughts on the matter of you, your life and your families lives. The atomic family is ever changing when only considering hetrosexual couples, toss in a third gender or a cisgender person who would be better off transitioning to the level of transition that makes them a well rounded person ought to be considered. My marriage, one reason for failure was I was living a lie. Lost a wife but through the years have always been close to my children and after transitioning I am here, I thinking of it as a late reboot down the road of life. Food for thought.

I am also a member of another cross-dresser/transgender site which is predominantly cross-dressers with a section for transgender. I frequent that site say once a week, sometimes every two weeks. I posted in the transgender area about my voice lessons and then the same day received a request to meet a member. Since I was heading in her direction to prom dress shopping with my best friend and her daughter I should sure. So this afternoon we were suppose to meet in front of Pandora's in the mall at 2PM but she was not there, said she was running late so Terry and I went for coffee then Victoria's Secrets shopping (Pandora, Macy's and Victoria's are my favs). While in VS I check my mail, she is in the mall so I said meet us at VS. I am going hog wild over thongs at this time but notice the line is super long so I decided not to purchase since she is meeting us shortly and not a minute later there she is. As the mall was super busy I suggested walking outside to talk. We chatted about many things including GRS and my condensed story as well as some of her history. She told me in these words "you are a pillar for the site". I thanked her. Then she asked, why are you taking voice lessons? I said to sound more female. Then the bombshell, (she response with) to tell you the truth your voice is female now. My friend Terry says, Karen has improved a lot in the past year (now the next part is hard to believe) since her surgery. I know that surgery does not change one's voice but I feel the change is mental, inside of me from talking female everyday for the past say 16 months. My voice coach tells me I need to work with her and I agree and then she goes on to say I am progressing faster than other clients woohoo. Next time this woman is in town she is taking me to dinner so we can chit chat more. BTW She is from Canada where the process sounds extremely long to get GRS unlike here in the US. Anyways I am going to eat the great dinner Terry sent home with me, later!