KarenPayne

Several weeks ago I attended a week long summit at Microsoft for MVP recipients of just under 3,000 people and out of the 3,000 less than five percent were female. The woman on the far right is a Microsoft employee that has a section on what is called Channel 9 (part of Microsoft) that is devoted to to females as developers and innovators in the field. We met in passing at the beginning of the week then the next day she asked me to participate in a interview. She actually got the majority of females to participate so she segmented us into groups of three so she could get all of us on camera. There was around 20 minutes cut from the video which did not fit into the topics that were all girl talk and some other topics which all I can say is "what happened in the room stayed in the room". Going in I did not indicate I was once male but at one point it made sense in that my old male mindset could contribute to the conversation. If you watch the video note there is no surprise and that the women doing the video said she would had never guessed it. Afterwards the two woman on my right said they had no clue until I said my former life was of a male. The woman with the short hair is a lesbian which I learned from her becoming a Twitter friend and also from chatting with her on a Microsoft bus headed back to a building where the main events were being held. After watching the video I was not happy with my posture and voice (voice was okay but needs more work) but then again we are our worst critics. On a side note as planned two years ago I have made an appointment with a voice therapist in January to work on my voice. I chatted with the therapist several weeks ago, we discussed her plans with me, she has worked with trans people before. An hour time is $70-90, a sliding scale. I indicated to her that my goal was to not strive for the best but to strive for acceptable for what I am capable of without pushing the limits. On a comical note, the little rubber figures on the table may seem odd but they are given out to people who had been interviewed and well sought after so I cherish mine.

Hello Jack, If you are sure and it sounds that way in regards to being male stuck in a female body then this is the right step to come out as keeping this to yourself will only be harmful in the long run. Without knowing all the facts I would say be careful to how you continue your journey regarding communication with your parents, play it smart, don't push them too hard simply put yourself in their shoes and try to work from there. These blogs are a great outlet so by all means write away!

There is a Facebook page for this too https://www.facebook.com/transdayofremembrance/

I remotely remember writing this and that it might take a while for them to decide to publish it but today I received an email indicating they had published it. Personally the reason was not to shed light on me but to show others what is possible else I just assume be private about this. http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/projects/storywall/transgender-today/stories/karen-payne

Wow, just about ten months since my reassignment surgery. In no special order somethings I have noticed. Yes I admit this, have gained 20LB since December when I was weighed last. My doctor said it's the hormones. So without hesitation I started running for 45 minutes each day and completely cut out anything one would consider food that encourages weight gain. The nice thing (if there is any) is that the weight is evenly distributed because if nothing else I still fit into my clothes and only really feel it slightly in my legs. My goal over the next six months is to lose not only the 20LB but another 10LB. A nice thought, while getting my nails done this week one of the girls there said I rocked it with my outfit last time I was in. I admitted to her about my weight gain and she said you look fine for your height and would not worry about your weight sigh, give that girl a hug.Last year at this time I would always put on jeans or leggings for the weekend day but now have changed to tights and shirts, for me at least they are much easier to do when I am lazy. Speaking lazy, I mentioned this before but will again, after work and not planning to go out I disrobe and go about my business in my underwear, something as a male I would never dream of.My emotions were never all over the place like I hear from some who are transitioning or have transitioned, still waiting for it but has not happened. Perhaps (and thinking what my doctor said two years ago) it's because I mastered to some degree my emotions be it good or bad or it's how I was made and raised. Sure I get emotional from time to time and sometimes can not control them but that is once in a blue moon. This morning I was watching a movie and yes the tears came rolling down my face so yes the hormones are surely working.Genital stuff, not much going on inside my vagina but boy or boy is there a lot going on with my clit, there are times when I can't keep my hand off it and times when a partner will take advantage of me while pleasuring me. Marci Bower's assistant told me that don't expect much going on inside and that it takes 10 to 12 months to see. So I believe I have enough there, could had more but heck I am happy as a clam with what I got woohoo.I never have to think about things like "is my voice okay" or "does my attire suit someone of my age". Speaking of age I am 59 and passing for 45-50 which is great.I decided that even though my voice is acceptable voice lessons are going to be done starting in a few weeks. There is a good deal going on in that department to pass with tone and resonance plus a tad more. I am fortunate to have found someone close by that has experience with male to female clients.Still not into wearing makeup but do love a nice perfume. Yes permanent cosmetics for eyeliner and brows was one of the best decisions I have made.More electrolysis, I am so done with shaving underarms so I am having them done.Passing and being made, distant fleeting words. Over the past year or so nobody has given me a look like "male or female".Have not lost any friends over the past few months and actually had two co-workers who did not talk to me for around four months now making conversation with me with them starting it "What".I am sure there are things I am missing, sure hit the publish button and they will come screaming out, go figure. So there you have it, spilling out the good and bad, it's good to get things out into the open if not for peace of mind but to let others know and if it happens to you it's okay but please don't hold it inside as it will only hurt thinking about bad things. Now off to do my daily run and day dream about an attractive female I am having fun with recently and questionable thought about a new male friend on Facebook.

I really don’t get it, over the past year men send me friend request on Facebook that are looking to date. Guess may be (not really) it partly my fault, should have a banner saying “Hey I was male but now female” in that I have no desire to date men but will admit to having a fling with one is just fine, otherwise I am on the other end of the spectrum, lesbian with a smidgen of bi . When I was male and wanted to date a female I first make sure she was into men on her profile and was not currently dating someone. Seems that the men who ask for friend request never think to look at a woman’s preference in regards to does she like men, woman or perhaps both. Instead they seem to simply come back with something like the following which I got today. Him: I was searching for old friends here and came across your picture and have to say you are beautiful. Now stop there, I consider myself average or below average in looks so don’t give me that kind of talk. Keeping with the above I came right back at him and said “I was born male and now female”, I am mostly into woman. I thought it would stop there but he comes back without saying anything about me once being male and says “So are you available, I would love to take you on a date”. Me: Just to make this clear, you got the part about I was male. Him: Thanks for telling me, I did read that and was taken back for a second or two but you are now female now right? So I am still interested, no need to bring up your past unless you truly want too. So I replied back (truthfully) that I was heading off with a sports car club for a morning ride. He comes back and says okay. So I stopped the chatting but thought to myself (yes I am lesbian/bi) God he is handsome, I would be a fool not to give him a chance but need to exchange more email messages first to get a handle on him.

iCloud is more than I would ever need so I am looking for something suited to my exact needs.

I had several free hosting of web sites on Comcast for many years that worked great but two weeks ago was told someone could not access the site. So I contacted their customer support via phone and got nowhere. Called again, no luck, visited the local office, no luck. Went to their forums and posted a question, how can I get to my files as some were not backed up locally. A member contacted me who seems to know a great deal about this and said you may be out of luck but said to try another member which I did. The other member got me in contact with a level 1 tech (they are nearly impossible to get a hold of and she sent me an email indicting to link in links provided and download the files. My point in writing this here is sometimes one needs to not give up even when a call to customer services tells you that those file servers are long gone. This is not the first time I had to keep going and persist with issue with Comcast but 99 percent of the time this is not the case. NOTE it is going to take time for me to edit blog post I have here that had pictures from the Comcast site to make them display again but will be doing so once I have a new host. TESTING: The image below was posted to Microsoft OneDrive then embedded here.

Hello Debi, This site is a great place to openly discuss things that have and had happen to you as we are all at some level in our journeys and can better understand what someone is going through along with offering support and information.

Seems Comcast has taken down all personal web sites without notifying me and this is were I stored pictures. The majority of these pictures are only stored there. So all pictures I have posted here will not show. I called into Comcast and at this point they are clueless but I did a Google search and it appears that they discontinued the personal web sites yet the Comcast help desk person has no clue to this. PISSED BIG TIME Just got off the phone with Comcast and they said they would have a tech look into this. If I can get my images back I will purchase space on a provider's site that will allow me to create a home page along with having the ability to provide links to images so that they can be viewed on other sites such as this one. I am not holding my breath here, just wishful thinking that they can get me my images.

Just saw the studio, extremely impressive

Roxanne, no need to read it as the interview is being done in a studio and will be in video format, not text so hopefully I come across well speaking.

From yesterday until Thursday I am in Seattle Washington at Microsoft offices part of recognizing MVP (Microsoft Valued Professionals). This morning I "liked" one of the tweets and the woman must have looked at my Twitter profile and asked if she could interview me where the interview would be posted on one of Microsoft web sites. Of course I accepted and once the interview has been uploaded I will provide a link here but be forewarned it's geek topic On the ways back to my hotel I was added to a special group on Twitter which has nothing to do with my transition and then got a message from the chef making remarks that he liked me. Tonight they are having us (2,000) to one hotel for a party, should be interesting so I am off to change into a nice business like skirt, medium conservative heels and cardigan.

Been following you for a while now and if I learned nothing else you need to keep going as the older you get the more the brain will drive you to whom you should be and that can be more problematic at an older age. Since I can't know exactly what you are going through all I can say is keep going. It's not going to happen unless you make it happen, same with me when I realized insurance was of no help.

Sounds like a wonderful experience, glad all worked out for you.

Interesting in that there are people who will ask questions like, how big is it and how do you have sex. For me, I have only discussed these things with very close friends and have not had anyone ask me these question who are simply co-workers. If they do ask I would change the topic and if that did not work would simply say it's none of your business.

Since I am leaving for a week long trip in Seattle I wanted my hair to look great so I went to the hair salon to have a professional conditioning done and bangs trimmed. They wash my hair, put the conditioner in then under a dryer. When I get out from the dryer one of the regular stylist comes over and says "I didn't see you come in or see your name in the computer, how are you?" We chatted for a bit then we get talking about sex and trade a few stories having great jiggling going on. This leads into her asking me, is sex better as a man or a female? I said the male side is pretty much the majority of pleasure is when climaxing while as a female my entire body is involved and last longer but not very much sensation inside as most is from my clit but this may change as my surgeon indicated it may take up to a year to have sensation inside. Then we get into a conversation about how she feels about men in general and we go down that path with me providing perspective from living on both sides of the fence. One of the other stylist heard me at one point talking about my new Miata and one thing lead to another and I took the one (whom I mentioned above) out for a spin in my car. As she was getting out of the car she said she always enjoys talking with me which made me feel good. So now I need to do some packing even though I don't leave for my trip until early Sunday morning I am the type to be ready well in advance.

Still still have a pair of five inch heels w/o platform bottoms. Could only stand in them for short periods. They are now reserved for the bedroom only.

Many years ago prior to my real life test I would go out dressed with no fear except when leaving and returning home. If I was wearing any type of heels that made noise as most do I would avoid landing on the heel and tippy toe inside my house. Have not done that for many years. So today I wear a nice pair of business style pumps and while walking along a hallway found myself tippy toe for a few steps. I thought to myself, WTF then had one of those moments "yes this was from back in the day when I would tippy toe back into my house. Luckily nobody saw me do that because that would be awkward. So later I walk into the section I work in and one of the ladies there said "Karen", I turn to see what she wants. She says you are wearing FM heels! I said what? she repeated herself and she smiles. Okay, tell me what FM means. She said they are F*** ME signals in regards to my heels to men. I countered and said, there is nothing sexy about these heels. She said it doesn't matter they are still FM heels. We both had a laugh then I said, what if I change into my flats. Without skipping a beat she said, then after a smoke too (you know, many have a cigarette after sex) and we both laughed again. So after lunch I walked into her cube with flats on as I always have a pair in my car trunk (or boot) and did not say a word. She finally looks down and cracks up. Me thinking "I nailed it".

Well I just love their appraisal of my face, 98 percent feminine and age 49 and ten look-a-likes.

Christie, it's loads of fun and you know, there has to be drivers and passengers

Yesterday met up with the local Miata club, normally there are about five or six cars but yesterday there were 15 cars. With that there were many new people I got to meet and not one of them as with the members I met already had anything to say about me other than what someone would say to a cisgender female. We start off with a sit down in a restaurant for about 10 to 30 minutes chit chatting then hit the road normally for one to four hour drive through the countryside. Each time so far it's a different route. Yesterday I asked, how long of a ride is it today? I was informed it would be pretty much the entire day. We hit the main highway for about two hours then off into the backcountry for about an hour at which time we took a rest stop. I was the car directly behind the lead car, had not met him till yesterday. He said that my driving was great but at one point he lost sight of me. I told him that the others were lagging behind so I wanted to keep sight of them. He said, they know the way and they would caught up to us here. He then said I was a tad back during the last leg of the run and I said I thought it was the right distance between cars. He said, heck you can get closer. So then everyone was ready he said "the boss is getting back in the car and heading off" I jumped in my car and with the thought in mind that I could stay close to him I did. For the next 40 to 50 minutes we ran through some pretty exciting twist and turns in the road, got to the next spot to meet up with the rest of the group, got out of our cars and I said I think they must be about 15 minutes behind us when he asked me how far do you think they are behind us? He then told me about how he learned to drive like he does and then said I was a natural. He said "no matter what I did I you were right on my tail where many others would never keep up with me. It was 13 minutes by the time the others caught up and they said, it's time for lunch so off we drove another 20 minutes and hit a bar. While eating two of the seasoned members told me I am ready to lead the group on a run whenever I am ready (yes I was smiling big time). As I see it my driving skills throughout my life were crippled only by the cars I had and their ability to do regular style driving. Ever since my second run with the group I have been right in the world I should had been decades ago. Any ways on the way home I was asked if I wanted to be the lead driver and did so which was great. I will admit what I need to be lead driver at the start is learning the routes which is going to take a few more runs. When I returned home my car was absolutely dirty so I washed it, had a quick dinner and went to bed early happy how the day turned out. The milestones are piling up nicely for less than a year after surgery.