KarenPayne

In regards to the unpleasant surprise, get use to it girl, it's a brave new world you have stepped into. I get this all the time and have learned to deal with it be it not looking in their direction or if in conversation drop at hint that I have a significant other at home.

Hello Samantha, Your story sounds all to familiar, many have been down the same path as you and many will follow as this is something children will never feel comfortable talking to their parents about at various ages or if they do parents many times believe it's a 'passing thing'. Eventually suppression, best to obtain the assistance of a therapist who knows how to deal with transgender else you may head towards a dark place in your mind. This forum is an excellent place to learn from and share.

​Monica, actually I did not buy her one, she is not into bracelets, instead she got one for me while I was purchasing one for myself

One criticism, next time you take a picture look straight ahead rather than looking in a downward direction, otherwise great pictures

Yesterday I went to visit my best female friend who unfortunately lives forty minutes north of me and does not drive. During non-peak hours it's a 20 minute drive. Any ways we were planned on going to the Portland Saturday market but I for some reason went to bed at 6:30PM Friday night and she was up dealing with an inebriated husband till 3AM in the morning. Beings I was up at mid-night and ended up texting with her the end result was no Saturday market as we both needed to take naps and ended up getting to her place around 11AM. So we went to a great mall five minutes from her place and did typical shopping and trying on clothes. Got to Pandora store (the only one in Oregon) and wanted to find a charm for my bracelet that had butterflies which can be seen in the picture above costing $40. After picking that one out my friend asked the sales person if they had any charms with a knife on it (if you have read my blogs this is about me and teaching edge weapon tactics) but no they did not. Then she says, how about one for best friends. Now I know at this point what she is doing, looking to purchase a charm for my bracelet and keep quite as saying you don't need to do this will not stop her. So the third one I say something like, yes that one works for me and by looking at it my brain says "expensive". She says I want to buy this for her. Side note, when you tell the sales person you want a charm he or she (dealt with both) will place the charm on the bracelet. He then takes both our credit cards to ring up the charms. At this point my friend breaks down in tears and know why, she adores me and has said countless times I am truly her best friend. So we embrace each other for a while then release. I look at her and she at me and we embrace again all the while she has tears flowing down her face. Of course that got me teary eyed too. I was of course not keeping time on this but was an intense few minutes and the sales person did not try to interrupt us. Even though a year ago I had been on hormones for eight months I was not that emotional, I had been a fearsome male who rarely if ever showed emotions and now over the past six months finding this happening more and more Leaving the store she told me not to tell her husband she had purchased the charm as he would not care for her spending that kind of money on non-family members We then went to lunch then back to her place where her husband was cooking dinner. Sat and chatted for about an hour then left for home. If you read this far the thing I wanted to say if nothing else is, it is so wonderful to have good friends. I have many friends but only four that I can say that are really and truly a friend for life. Besides my friend mentioned above I have after thirty years rekindled friendship with my brother's former girlfriend whom he dated in our late teens. I stayed close with her for another five years until she moved 3,000 miles away. We reconnected the week after my gender reassignment surgery for an entire day. Two weeks ago I said I would be purchasing a new sports car in the fall and driving down her way to visit my son. She has invited me to stay for a weekend which will be so wonderful. There are few people that will do this and I am honored to be her friend.

Congratulations, woo-hoo. In regards to emotional changes, it takes a while for this to happen and is usually a gradual change. Also, starting out on a small does is really best so they can monitor the effects of the hormones on your body and mind.

Monica, Thanks for that which affirms my brain is indeed in the right place.

Hi Eve, I think there are many that have done what the both of us did and as we get older see that we need to change to a more conservative approach to dressing. I am sure you loved how you dressed at that time, same here, it was fun but now we have evolved Hope all is well in your world.

Those who are cross-dressers that become transgender who are on a journey to gender reassignment surgery most likely have gone through the following. You felt compelled to dress in the opposite gender, may have been your mother's or sister's garments or you have been resourceful in some other way to obtain the opposite gender clothing. It begins early in life, many just over five years old and as age is accumulated going to stores and clothing outlets in secret (for most) is how clothing is obtained. You hurry home to put on the clothing, look in the mirror and are happy and nervous at the same time, happy to be in the proper attire but nervous someone will come home to see you. Life continues and trans people become more resourceful by hiding clothing and put it on when nobody else is home or perhaps get a motel room, dress, go out and sadly at some point must disrobe and go home. The above is but one permutation in how things might pan out and is not meant to cover everyone. Now for me I will not lie, I spent a lot of time out in clubs dressed extremely sexy but at the same time not overly done up with very high heels and tons of makeup. Have always be conservative even in sexy mode out at clubs. Time spun by and I fell into the "blend in" like other females in my area. Went home and either stayed dressed as I was at work (this is after gender surgery) or pj's. Now here is the kicker, over the past month I head straight for the bedroom, toss my clothes into the hamper and put on a tank top and a fresh pair of underwear. Some might call this de evolution, say what, spent all the money and time to become a female and not dress as one??? Here is what I believe to be true, I am so comfortable in my own skin that why cover it up? When friends drop by unannounced I have either a skirt or shorts to put on quickly. Read this far? If so here is what I would suggest from what I wrote above and what I have not written is that so many who are transitioning feel they must either dress well, dress sexy to enforce their self image of a woman they can lose sight of the bigger picture which is to simply enjoy life, blend in to the woodwork in regards to not dressing up but instead elegantly dressing to the average woman. I have many female friends who at home after work will get comfy as I do (well maybe not down to their underwear yet in this heat maybe). It is critical during your one year trial period to become relaxed and comfortable with "everything" else one can worry themselves to death and we all need down time. PS Feel that I am missing something??? But than again maybe not. I encourage others to voice their opinions.

It's only natural to have anxiety but from what I have read in this entry, sounds like "all systems are a go". Yes, blood test are so they know the level of hormones to dish out too you and several months down the road they will test your blood level again, usually every six months is the deal. Best wishes for tomorrow.

Did I read that right, a possibility of $60,000 cost for SRS for MTF which is a lot of money, double and then some for what I paid.

If I lived closer I would volunteer. And I have made an offer that if anyone needs support that are having surgery in California, Oregon or Washington state I will be more than happy to be there with them if they don't have anyone no cost to them.

For years I wondered why do I need approval from two therapist for gender reassignment surgery and at times really aggravated me to no end but once I started it all became clear. You see, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body can taunt and consume a person to various states of mind that can lead to a dark place thus never seeing the reasoning behind the "why" behind the requirement for therapy coupled with living in the opposite gender for at least one year. Here is the deal, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body there can be relief by wearing clothing of the opposite gender but that is usually hindered as many don't have a safe haven to wear clothing for an extended period of time and eventually as one grows older the feelings of being in the wrong physical body become more intense and can destroy marriages and cause one to become secluded to the point they are alone and now in their free time can become the female they should be to a limited degree by dressing in the role of a female for longer periods. The danger here is we think that by setting an appointment for reassignment surgery with an informed consent is all one should need. There lays the problem, it's a completely different world living as a female 24/7 in each and every aspect of your life. It quickly becomes real when you are paying for something in a store and need to use your credit card that says John Smith when you are dressed female. You might get lucky as I did, sales lady looks at the name on my credit card and says, John Smith is your husband? I will need to see your identification. Me, no that is my name, sales lady, your parents have a strange way of naming their daughter. But not everyone will be fortunate for this to happen. Next up (which should had been firsts). The female voice, a dead give away if not practiced. You are paying for groceries at the store, cashier engages you in conversation and although nobody would every guess that you were not female because you have taken the time to dress properly, age appropriate clothing and not to much makeup you say something and out slips the male voice, oooops, you get the idea. In the real live experience you are under pressure either all the time or some of the time and for many will truly challenge their original thoughts of transitioning. Geez, can I really pull this off? What I mean is, once you have a vagina and breast it's a completely new world and you have no choice but to either blend in as part of the scenery, become part of the scenery or become ostracized for being a freak and with that comes depression, self-doubt or more leading to dark places OR you rise to the task of merging your inner female self with a new physical self from the affects of hormones. Trust me when I say, you have no idea, no clue what one year of living in the opposite gender is like until you have been doing it for say three months and then look back 12 months later and can't hardly remember what it was like as a male and if you can more likely than not remember it differently how the full time female experience would be. I challenge those taking this journey to write down their thoughts before starting HRT and therapy then say 10 months down the road read what you wrote and see how you think about the journey now. If comfortable, keep a daily journal of your ups and downs, like anybody living we have ups and downs and in the 12 month role they are magnified. When seeing a therapist there are gaps of time between visits and having these notes can help you engage with the therapist. BOTTOM LINE: The real life experience as I see it now is that it's good for you while looking back I thought "what the heck". Hopefully those traveling down the road for gender reassignment surgery will be fortunate to have a good support system in place to assist them with the 12 month real life test and it will go better this way. Personally I had (and still have) a wonderful female friend who not only supported me but traveled to California to be with me for GRS and then with breast augmentation was there for me too in my home taking care of me. You can not do this on your own, I repeat, you can not do this on your own so get use to the fact you will need a good support system which should be done before starting your journey, find out who are really friends and who are not and don't be surprised that many may be repulsed at the thought of you wanting to be female. EDIT I was just scanning over the following page and saw that some people are asked to wait up to two years before being given HRT, that is outrageous. I think that HRT and real life test should be allowed together.

What I think about this is it's outrageous anyone must go through what you have been through and still having to deal with. A country the size of Canada should have more than one facility to deal with potential transgender and that it should not take that long to get approval. My approval was within two visits of my first therapist and three visits for the second. Big difference is that I paid in cash for surgery out of my savings.

Sounds like things are looking up for you Warren. Best to take time to consider all options so that you are fully aware of how the final result will be as I have seen a few that were less than acceptable.

I am sure UK are somewhat different then the US counter-parts and can see this point. I wish you have a very happy life and take care,

For those taking the quiz, how I did it was, did not look at before 1/27/2015 and only from there forward as I have changed a lot which actually started one year prior for what it's worth. Hormones did a lot for me

​Yes I am the one looking into the camera as I was explaining a technique for students behind the camera. On a side note, the person on the left is a MMA fighter and was impressed that I could control him and then after class got me to teach some of his students.

Monica, I took the following 100 question test and got ClassicFemme http://www.lesbiatopia.com/2007/11/are-you-butch-femme-or-lost-in-middle.html

Eve, I have always looked younger than my earthly age yet from transitioning everything has gotten much softer This is from 2002 teaching defensive tactics Then there is today (sorry to lazy to get dressed)

Unfortunately at the time of my transition was when my sister developed a fatal cancer and could not bring myself to fly east to see her one last time. My impression was we have a decent brother sister relationship but after her passing my mother told me I was more to her than what I had imagined. I so regret not being stronger and just gone to see her. Please don't let something like this ever happen to you. Since then I have been thinking of getting a tattoo of an owl which was something she was into but for a multitude of reasons never did get a tattoo of an owl. Today I was walking in one of the more popular malls and spotted a Pandora store which I later learned was the only one in the greater Portland area. I asked if they had a owl charm and they did so I had them set me up with a bracelet and charm. So now as I see it I wear a token to remember my sister by on my wrist. I miss you Suzy

Monica, I never had any issues personally with making friends in Portland yet don't know if this is the norm per-say. I will say overall people are friendly here unlike other cities I have been too or live in. I never met anyone at the LGBT center that was not friendly. I sure hope that someday I will be in a monogamous relationship, will have to wait and see how the cards play out.

The week started off with me finding a really cute (age appropriate) top that I love so I purchased two of them. I have a habit where if I like something be it clothing or not if it appeals to me two or three are in order. Then I received my results from my hormone test done last month. The results indicate that I am midways, smack in the center of the scale in three separate test. Early on in the week I became friends with a younger woman (43 years old) whom I fibbed about my age, said I was 50, don't all woman lie about their age. At one point she said I looked younger than 50 which I then had to tell her the truth that I would be turning 59 shortly and was perfectly fine with her. She has invited me to her place next weekend for a BBQ and think she will become a good friend. Today I made plans to visit Portland's Saturday Market with my best friend but she has issues with a kidney stone so instead will be meeting with an old female co-worker. Will most likely then visit my friend with the kidney stone as were I am having lunch with the other friend is 10 minutes away. Thinking of the weather in recent weeks, I have been stripping down to the bare minimum for the over 90 degree weather, no bra nor panties while home wearing a comfortable summer dress or tank top and panties. What a change from last summer when I had to tuck that thing between my legs which in hot weather made if difficult to keep tucked and comfortable. Did I mention this is the perfect time for thongs, so far I have purchased at least a dozen thongs in various colors and pattern. I don't wear them everyday but tend to wear them more so on the weekends as during the week it is nearly impossible to change pads often enough as I am fairly moist down there and tend to need pad changes several times a day even with good quality pads. Before surgery I was concerned a little that I would not be self lubricating but thankful that I am and more so when having erotic thoughts. I was told that at some point it may be somewhat uncomfortable in regards to stimulation of my clit in daily life. Believe it or not I was driving down the road and made some movement that got me so aroused that I had to pull my car off the road until the arousal went away else I could not concentrate on driving. That is such a wonderful feeling that unlike arousal of the penis this sticks with me for sometime and is slow to go away.