KarenPayne

​I always write with zero preparation ahead of time when writing entries, they just flow out at the very minute I have an idea but always attempt to write a title that will attract attention to entice people to read what I have written. My goal always is to pass on what I think might benefit others, nothing more, nothing less. I am sure at some point I will have little to say (oh, my I have 150+ entries so far) and hope that others hear will be vocal and share their wisdom as each of us will tell different tales and there will be intersecting point which again help others who follow us.

Good to hear you are on your way to becoming who you are with the assistance of HRT and hair removal and best wishes on July 27th.

I have written multiple times about dilation in regards to lots of lube and yes, pain. Recently, five months after reassignment surgery I am down to a drop of lube the size of a quarter and finding intimate encounters are much better than dilation. When one has intercourse for at least 15 minutes this counts to one session of dilation. I am 90 percent into females and the remainder into couples. I became friends with a couple that had nothing to do with sex but after time did and do enjoy a threesome. The upside to using less lube is Takes less time to dilateMuch less time to clean upFeels good to push a dilator inside seamlessly.For me, I have an excess of lube.So for those taking this journey I want you to know it does get better even though the first month or so you will want to quit which does you no good as things will close up and be left with no opening. Another thing I have noticed is there is more moisture and natural lubrication especially when aroused. I am still waiting for the ability to have a complete orgasm where at this point it's fairly intense and last a long time but feel it's not fully there yet and have heard from others it take between eight and twelve months.

Before gender reassignment surgery one of the things that help me make my time in the wrong anatomy bearable was setting up a home studio where I could get away from the world. I could justify the cost which was done over many years to a rough sum of $20,000 because I have always played guitar and piano. Guitars along accounted for $5,000 where I have all but one which was sold recently to a guitar collector out of state. Over the past year I even managed to setup guitar amps and a revolving set of guitars to play in my living room where most times the television is on with the volume off. My guess is the average person saving for transitioning can't afford this as they are funneling their funds for surgery and therapy treatment. With that said I think it's wise to find some kind of hobby to divert the day to day grief of being on the wrong anatomy. I would guess that many (and I did this too) will stay secluded in the confines of their home dressed as they believe they should be and shun the outside world in fear of the obvious. Three years ago around this time I realized this was not conducive to my mental well being so I dressed angougonous and got out into the world and when I was depressed to the point of not wanting to make human contact I wrapped myself into my music but made sure, along with my best friend that I did get out into the real world. I believe it's paramount to not hide from the world but instead get out even if you must dress in the born gender at least for short amount of times then do what I did, dress angougonous which if your path dictates it one day you will get out dressed in the gender which your mind deems correct. But don't flip the switch from one gender to another over night. So find a hobby and get out into the world which is much healthier than confining yourself to the confines of your home. Living room

That is so wonderful that you got this done, congratulations Mr. Warren

Monica, in regards to drinks, I had two over three hours, one White Russian and one Margarita as it has been a long time since I was out drinking. I realize people may talk behind one's back so I watch what comes out of my mouth always, not simply last night. Nothing was mentioned about my transition which was great.

Several months ago I mentioned being invited for a girl’s night out at work but never materialized until last night. We planned on five of us meeting at a nice upscale local bar inside of a prestigious hotel at 5PM while myself and one other of the woman started early at 3:30PM. The two of us chatted about of all things manicures and pedicures for about thirty minutes until another of the ladies arrived at around 4PM followed by a third not soon afterwards while the last one arrived at 5PM. While four of us where there one said think of this as Vegas, what happens and is said here stays here. So that lead into various chats about other people at work which where both positive and negative. After several drinks were consumed things got way crazy and fun. I told them a story about one of my co-workers whom I have been working with for 18 years who still calls me Kevin purely by accident now and then. He did this over the past two days and with two new people in our group so it came to a head and I said to the new employees, guess you figured out what’s going on. They looked up and said no. I said prior to January of this year I was male. Got the typical response, I had no idea. When finished telling the story to the ladies they said if they were in the new employees shoes they would not had guessed I was male before. Next thing I see, it’s almost 8PM so myself and two others leave while the last two are waiting for rides from their husbands. I love the next part, I am wearing all black, top and skirt and while walking out of the bar I am getting men turning to look at me and just before exiting the bar one man gives me a nice big smile. Walking out I realized that one does not simply get looks at that moment but would guess they had been looking at me while sitting down with my friends. That was indeed a good feeling to be noticed this way. So I will chalk this up to a great evening.

In regards to the photo, if I saw you I would be drawn to your face thinking not female so walk into the ladies room with pride.

Nipples usually are sore for a very long time and at times itchy. Size of immediate family members do dictate roughly how large you will be. For me the largest was C and I got to a B. Great to hear that the hair on your body is thinning woo-hoo. In regards to your pastor, if it was me and going there was important to me I would ask to have a one-on-one with them, be prepared and discuss trans. and be the one to educate them but be forewarned it may go against you if they have their mind set.

Yes that is a marguerita, first alcoholic drink since 2007. It was very hot and did not feel like soda, ice-tea or juice. And thanks for the compliment

Warren, I can understand your frustrations to some extent and wish there was someway the system (thinking about say Medicare) could get you this surgery either for no charge or a greatly reduced charge. If you don't mind me asking, what state offers this for half the price?

Christie, you are indeed fortunate not to need a tracheal shave which will save you from $1500 to $2000. In regards to top surgery, something I forgot to mention which is a general recommendation is to wait for at least two years on HRT but that is not for everyone as some will grow faster yet the norm is slow growth and no larger than the largest cisgender female in your immediate family. I was a B cup and 1 1/2 years HRT prior to top surgery.

This weekend, for those who are celebrating the Fourth of July please be safe if you have to drive consider that others will not. Yesterday I went to visit a friend for the day and on the way home so a horrific accident on one of the major highways which actually is not that uncommon but have to wonder on weekends such as this one if poor judgement was used and or any of them drinking. If you plan on drinking make sure you keep it moderate if you must drive afterwards. Happy Fourth!!!

Eve, I totally agree about carrying paper hankies, in my case I carry tissues and several pantie liners.

Congratulations on moving forward!!! From personal experience dressing androgynous before surgery before actually publicly announcing my gender change I had a discussion with my boss then HR about changing gender. HR when I asked about restrooms said there was no policy so i was free to use either or. Since dressing androgynously I used the men's room. Now mind you I was not wearing skirts or wearing makeup (and pretty much 99.99 percent of the time don't wear makeup to this day). I thus was fine using the men's room and told HR once I had my surgery a public statement would be given by me which included I would be using the woman's restroom. Guess what I am saying is that my recommendation is use the restroom which fits how you are dressing rather than how you feel. If you do this most likely others will feel comfortable which should mean you will be more comfortable. If you do decide to use the woman's restroom I would recommend sending a company wide email out alerting others of your intentions so they are properly prepared.

Monica, In regards to medications being prescribed locally, I guess this may be possible but things like the poop extraction formula (bowel prep) would be difficult to pack if travelling. For EKG they are required a month prior to surgery. I had an EKG done locally, the doctor faxed the results to Marci and was confirmed by her assistant Robin. Morning of surgery they said "we can't find your EKG so we must do one now" and now is less than one hour before scheduled surgery thus not a time to argue the matter. So with that said one can be totally be prepared but the unexpected may happen as it did with me. Concerning bottom surgery + tracheal shave + top surgery. That should provide a discount but one must also consider their tolerance for pain. I had the shave and bottom surgery done and looking back would had been fine with top surgery also considering I do extremely well with pain. During my recovery and exiting the hospital I was told many times I was in a one percentile for dealing with pain. Now if someone were to do all three they must be totally honest with themselves in how they deal with pain. After surgery between the legs has been totally remapped and been told many need all the meds that are allowed. For top surgery it's best to be in a incline position while bottom surgery it's best to be laying down, the two contradict each other. The shave for me was zero pain so no comments there. So again, honesty is paramount else be a big girl and big girls don't cry as the song goes. PS By no means the above is to scare others from doing the three surgeries but to educate.

It has been four months since surgery and bills are still coming in which is not a problem for me as I make bring home a very good paycheck. With this in mind there are many who are not so fortunate in regards to funds that may be put aside of surgery but rather they need to scrimp and save for a long time to reach the amount needed for surgery. Let's look at an example, you are planning for gender reassignment surgery which will be (rounding numbers off) thirty thousand dollars with virtually no coverage for insurance and is out of state. Why thirty thousand dollars, because this is the high end while twenty thousand is the low end yet that is only bottom surgery so we can get to the higher end if say a skin graph is needed for better depth of your new vagina if the penis is not good enough to supply the depth. Many will opt for have their Adam's apple shaved which could tack on say two thousand, get the idea. Add on dollars for staying in a hotel, food, transportation and all the little things that one will need for day to day live then on top of this various medications prescribed to you several days before surgery by your surgeon. The average stay for out of state surgery, two weeks. The hidden cost will trickle in over the months after surgery for various services the hospital provided ranging from EKG test to what will appear as insignificant services such as one I got in the mail last night for $133.00 which is one of a handful over the past few months. Thinking of these (at least for me), months prior to surgery you should be receiving various documents from the surgeon's office that will either be up front or buried within statements that indicate there may be cost that are unforeseen such as blood work and other test. With that in mind rather than saving for the surgery and cost to stay there for two weeks make sure to save money for not only time away from work which is roughly five weeks but also the charges that will surely appear over the months after surgery. Better to over save then be surprised down the road where possibly every single dollar counts for surviving while recovering those five weeks and beyond. I am living proof as well as many who came before me that it's better to prepare for the unknown charges now rather than later. On the other hand perhaps you have great insurance that covers most or all of the cost for surgery, there will still be things that i mentioned above that will not be covered like five weeks off from work, paying rent etc. so please be prepared beforehand.

My electrologist uses a special roller then Aloe vera afterwards when I had my face done where I understood both needed to be done. In regards to hydration, I am not the best with this either but don't drink alcohol and do carry around water at work and keep a bottle in my car.

Eve, concerning blemishes after your treatment, do they perform a cool down process after finishing working on you? Diet can affect this too along with hydrating or not.

What Monica recommended is how I learned how to choose apparel for my body type and was truly eye opening. In regards to hiding private parts, that was the worst as I would tuck to completely and I mean completely hide private parts so that I could wear skin tight leggings and nothing showed. Of course the price to pay was dealing with a moist body down there attempting to get everything back in place in ninety plus degrees was in many cases a real struggle but did persevere. I never, ever wore makeup and still don't in any weather as it's more trouble then it's worth.

Sounds like she is an enabler who is not going to stop no matter what you say. Generally speaking you putting your foot down will do not good at this point. Good luck with your interview tomorrow.

Eve, We hear stories that paint a different picture so I am looking to I am motivated to those who are on the edge to see that you can be happy after transitioning. Of course it's not a walk in the park but with the right mindset one can be motivated to push forward no matter what lies in their path rather than being uncontent the rest of their lives. I pushed forward many times to be pushed backwards but was determined to finished what I started and refused to be denied happiness. This is important, there will be setbacks and must look at the end result, happiness to such a degree higher than being stuck in the wrong body not matching the brain.

Forward, this may very well be boring too some so be forewarned, I am having a so-so morning, it's hot, in the nineties and have enough of watching television so what's there to do? I should wash and style my hair but it's too hot but I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for blood work to see if my hormone levels are correct. So I decide to see if my stylist shop has time to wash, condition and straighten my hair and figure there will be a wait but as luck has it they have time. I knew going in that my regular stylist does not work on weekends so it would be someone else. Never had the lady assigned to me done my hair. Told her what I wanted and off to getting my hair washed. After she washed my hair she recommended a deep conditioner which I said okay. Then off to drying and styling my hair. Well everyone knows that in a hair salon woman chat right. So I am with a new stylist I am finding it difficult to discuss things i.e. when we got on the topic of my regular stylist leaving I said it's sad she came here from down South for a man and things fell through. She starts talking about online dating with men, me, what do I say without telling her I use to be male and then think, she probably figured it out already but avoid talking about me a a male dating woman. Next we start talking about if I wanted my bangs cut and for whatever reason I have a memory surface about my ex-wife screwing up her bangs and want to tell the stylist and thought "oh hell" I will tell her. She I said I have a story to tell but need to reveal something first. I was male. She kepted on drying my hair for about thirty or more seconds and looks at me and says "no", "really". But you are so girly how can that be? I said that for a long time it was hard for me to feel I was female but after hearing replies such as your's I am not doubting it anymore. Now most of the time I can't see what she is doing to my hair and finally do. I said, how did you do that? She said "your hair lead me in this direction". It's subtle but I thought "hey it looks like Stevie Nicks" as seen in this photograph. I always like this style and never could get it. So I asked her how did you do that again and she showed me. So hopefully I can do this next time I wash my hair. She then cut my bangs followed by showing my the back of my head to see my hair and says "you can't see it all as it's longer than can be seen in the mirror". I just adore the work she did and very satisfied. So I expected this to cost around 25-30 dollars but was charged 19 dollars, oh my God I could not believe it especially since she spent over an hour with me. Came home, looked in the mirror and all I could do was smile ear to ear. Have to say this has turned out to be a fabulous day. Closing out, two things I thoroughly believe are so much of a boost to one's self-esteem is spending time at a nail salon and the second is spending time at a hair salon.

Cheers

Out here in Oregon there are incentives for people to use public transportation and many of my friends use it and can afford to drive. We do have those whom you indicated also so everyone is in a mixed barrel and yes we have those bike riders too but only can tell by what they wear and gear as biking is huge out here.