KarenPayne

Warren, I can even fathom what you are going through and wish there was something I could do for you. The emotions that are coursing through you are very powerful and surely there is more pull to go deeper into the abyss then moving out of your state of mind.I truly hope you can pull away from the darkness. Hopefully you can beat the sadness and despair, get a decent job that will allow you to make money to remove your breast and receive hormone treatment so you can be anatomically correct for the most part. From reading this entry I think that you are in a toxic environment in how people around you are not allowing you to be who you need to be and that in my mind needs to change which of course is not something easy to do. I would guess that some in your shoes leave home to get away from such a negative environment but if not done right can be worst than staying where they are at. It may seem unrealistic but do consider what you can do in a positive way to get out of this environment (which I am guessing some will disagree with). I truly hope you can get past this dark time and be the person you are inside.

So I finally had intercourse today which upfront I told the man I was not interested in dating or a relationship as he is into me but he needed to know I am not letting this going any farther and he is fine being friends and having this time together today. I was very happy in regards to me able to accommodate him as he was larger than average so that means for those reading this that the larger dilator does allow for larger size penises. He did everything right to arouse me, took his time and I let him know I was ready (was kind of hard to miss me panting and so forth). Afterwards we laid there for a while embracing the moment. I still don't have much of any sensation inside but I do have a fair amount of sensation in regards to my clit. We went through various positions rolling around which was much more than I expected so that was a bonus. Right before leaving we agreed to do this again in a couple of months, something in the fall. Lastly, guess I am bi-sexual for the time being

I am not the type to attend a trans parade at all but felt the need to see what is was all about. Well for a while there it seemed like we would not make it as my friend's husband got intoxicated and did some really stupid stuff to his wife and young daughter, When I got to her place her daughter clung onto me for safety and the husband immediately settled down to some extent as even though he is much bigger than me he knows what I am capable of. I could write an entire entry of this but decline too. So we headed off to the march/parade getting there about 15 minutes before a bunch of speeches began. In some ways I was surprised that there was a woman walking around with no top acting like a male and after sometime realized they were looking for a reaction from people but people in Portland are not going to react for the most part thus zero gained. I noticed a transman standing by themselves and told my friend I believe they are by themselves and look like they could use some company. Next thing I see if my friend moving next to him and starting a conversation along with introducing ourselves and after that he was happy Overall there were segments of each part of LGBT community there and for the majority acting normal yet as you might guess there were some that were there in my opinion to stand out and be seen. Some of them IMHO were a negative to how others view trans people. One thing I want to point out that there was a fair amount of transmen at the event and would say they were well represented in numbers and also outward appearance and attitude. Would I go next year? Nope, as indicated above, this is not me but would support the community in other ways which I plan on doing, just not a march/parade. The two blondes in the lower right corner, one is cisgender and the other in transition. I spoke to both of them and can honestly say they make a great couple with a positive attitude. Think the green sunglasses suit me just fine.

Monica, it took my mother this long, at 58 she talks to me about sex. In regards to my mother's experience, she was a teenager at the time with another teenager.

Beings that I am a senior developer for developing web and sometimes (use to be the reverse) desktop apps I have the power to slap people like that into the ground LOL. I hear by bestow, to you the same slapping privilege if you happen to deal with this person again. GUI dipping the right database, if they are in doubt they might come back and say "by GUI do you mean the user interface" which is stupid and if I was on the receiving end of this question I would simply say (if not the original developer) I will check into it. Yep, B- is rare for them. Matter of fact they would call me every eight weeks to pry more out of me.

My mother called last night to chat about photographs I had sent her of me (which I mentioned in a recent entry). She first asked who had done the packaging. I told her UPS and was hoping that all had arrived intact. She says, it took my bother a long time to open the package as it was packaged very well. She then studied the three framed pictures and came back with “you are right, I would not had recognized you” and that if you were to walk up to me and said nothing I would not recognize you. The next part gave me a smile when she said “I bet you get heads turning when you walk into a room” and I said I get some heads turning which I had not noticed but my best female friend tells me about men checking me out with a look that appears to be not about gender issues but that they are interested in me. Vanity, guess I have some hidden away laugh out loud. With that in mind I noticed on my Facebook page there are 14 men following me and one recently wanting to date me. This man was first floored that I was once male but in his words could not live without me and girls that is a sign to stop this before it goes any farther. Somehow the conversation went into sex, not from me, by my mother. I am still getting use to conversing with my mother about sex which has come up several times since I transitioned. I remember once finding a picture of my mother when she was in her early twenties and wow, she was a knock out for sure. So at one point she mentioned having sex with several men over the years and one think I thought was funny when she said “is that all there is” where the man entered her and pretty much was done in seconds. When I hear about things like this I go back to when I was male. In my early years I could last a long time but was criminal in that I was not good at pleasing a woman fully meaning exciting her entire body. After separating from my former wife things changed and I was working woman’s bodies in loving making. Of course years later I realized I was performing more as a female, not using my penis so much. In the last two or three years I had issues keeping it up and believe it was not from not physically being able to but mentally was repulsed so much by my penis that it would not stay in play even with Viagra. My next to last girlfriend told me that she had eight good O’s (orgasms) from me. Fast forward to a year and a half ago when I told her about my transition she went back to that night and said, now I understand, it makes sense as you were in the role of a female not male. Any ways I told my mother about the above in another phone chat and she told me about some of her dealings in bed with men. The last thing we talked about was having me stay with her when I go out and visit this coming April. The jury is still out if I will stay in a hotel or her place. I think staying in a hotel is best and can be with her three-quarters of the time but will wait and see. I do have to say that I am amazed that my mother, 92 years old so much enjoys chatting with me and throughout the chat kept bringing up how happy I appeared in the photographs.

Veronica, in regards to "Trans Triangle", it would not be so bad if I had other situations similar to this one but this one simply to me, is such a shocker that they would not waiver the gender issue for much needed blood especially with me being B- which only two percent of the population has which is listed third from the bottom of the type list. Any ways it's complete Boba Fett (for the unknowing, this is from Star Wars)

​Veronica, they will only take my blood if I register as male, not female which I will not register male. Bottom line was that I wanted to let them know about my past donations which I look back on as a mistake. If I had not mentioned that then they would now have me registered as female and have my blood.

I wonder about some of the therapist out there who are similar to the one giving you a hard time. Common sense dictates what you have already learned, no need to be on hormones. Seems the only reason someone could possibly find a reason would be similar to male to female which would be crazy to even think this in the first place. I looked at a surgeon's requirements, nothing on hormones, looked at an insurance company requirements, nothing about hormones. The general requirements in a nutshell Single letter of referral from a qualified mental health professionalPersistent, well-documented gender dysphoriaCapacity to make a fully informed decision and to consent for treatmentAge of majority (18 years of age or older)If significant medical or mental health concerns are present, they must be reasonably well controlled.

Thinking of a next time, my work host the Red Cross twice a year so will do so then and not bring up my former identity.

Everyday I have an hour lunch at work and usually take a 15 to 30 minute walk around the city. Today there was a sign up at the Red Cross asking for blood donations so I was inspired to drop in to see if I could give blood today. I walk in, ask if they could get blood from my in 30 minutes? They said that is possible. So I say the last time I was in was as a male. Got the usually statement such as "no way" so I produced my former driver licence and she stares at both for about thirty seconds, looks up, looks at both pictures again and then looks up and says, amazing. I am then taken to a interview room (which they have done in the past), ask me a few questions then she says I have to ask my supervisor something. Comes back in five minutes and says if I want to donate I must use my born gender rather than my current gender. I had many ways to reply but kept it dirt simple when she said "is that okay" I replied with "well I am female now, that's all that should matter and decline". She responded, I don't blame you at all and thanks for coming in. If I had not told them about my transition all would had been fine but that is past history now. Would I do it different if I could go back in time knowing what I know now? Yes as the original reason was to link up my past blood donations with my current identity unless there was a crisis and then more likely than not they could care less. Bottom line for me is honesty.

In regards to "full-time pre-op trans", I know they are out there but for one reason or another it feels odd to me, especially the 'full time' part.

Mikah, about the only test that is truly needed ahead of time is the HIV test. I was told to have an EKG and HIV test one month prior to surgery which I did. They confirmed both but on the day of surgery they could not locate the EKG so had it done on the gurney 30 minutes prior to surgery. The day prior to surgery one set of forms could not be located (which I faxed directly to them) so I had to fill it out then. So the important test in my case and most likely for you in the HIV as it takes time to do. When I went to California for GRS I took all and any documents that might be needed just in case but all was fine. In regards to you getting use to female pronouns, I can't see any reasons why you would get anything but female pronouns.

That is so wonderful that everything is rolling along smoothly, may the rest of your journey be so smooth

Good topic Eve. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry when one leads a double life no matter how careful we are, how smart we are a slight bump in the road can reveal the other side of us. I had to be very creative while married for 18 years then new challenges when dating for five years, it gets tiring and crazy as we are not only managing clothes but when done right mannerism plays into the equation too. It would be very interesting to hear from others how they handle this where if they are married that really is a challenge more so that single.

Monica, thanks for the words of wisdom. In regards to meeting people in public, in my past life I would not worry at all beings how I am trained but then even so would take counter measures to ensure I could not be traced back to my residence. Since transitioning have met a few people but nothing went so far as sex as I am the type who will not have sex with someone unless I have genuine feelings, not the type that come from below the belt. So with that said, yes, a relationship comes first. Eve, we have men here to that want to explore and nothing more, have encountered them in the past and avoid them at all cost.

Hello Wpwyle and welcome to the forums. Monica is such a wonderful person and resource to all of us and would highly suggest taking her advice.

Last week I received a friend request on Facebook from a man I don't know. Usually I only allow either people I know or people that are connected to my current friends. Well not sure if this one was a mistake or not as of today. It started off immediately, each morning he would message me asking how I was doing and would respond in a way that nothing could be construed in any way that I was interested more than being friends. This morning it became apparent he wants to date me. There are several issues here, the first is me (do I need to explain lol) which I fully disclosed this morning about my gender in which I spelled it out. He comes back and says "are you a male" and I responded in more details about having zero male parts. I expected no reply and for about three hours no a peep. At this point I believe this is done but I then get a new message indicating he wants to continue which leads to issue number two. He lives in New York which is on the opposite coast. Now before going farther, this is indeed new territory as I am much more attracted to females than males. When I look at a cisgender female I see beauty not just in the physical shell but in their being. When I look at a man something comes out which is primal, void of any conceivable notion of love which I get with cisgender females. Even with that my mammalian brain in a warped sense is driven to like men but at the same time feel like a female pray mantis that eats her mate after sex (not I did not say make love). Now that is a statement in and of itself and wonder what a therapist reply to that would be? I am starting to think if he progresses with his actions with intent to date I will need to politely tell him I am not interested.