KarenPayne

Thanks for the compliment Warren and hope all is as well as it can be (I believe you know what I mean in a good way) in your world

Thanks Christie, the photographer made me feel right at home.

Since my mother and brother who live 3,500 miles from me have not seen Karen I went and got some photos done. Before are a few of the photos. For my mother and brother (both live in the same house) I had three pictures framed together. I elected to have the pictures taken with zero makeup so any and all flaws do show up and that is how I like it, natural.

I always enjoyed going to my hair salon prior to becoming female but it's so much better now as I am included into chit-chat that only woman engage in. Was there for three hours getting my roots and highlights done so there was a good deal of chit-chat. Two things worth mentioning, one of the stylist who (just learned this today) has been there for 13 years (and I have been going there for 20) ignored me so I thought then the stylist doing my hair said to me, do you know Jean (the other stylist)? I said yes and wonder if she knows who I am? So she called Jean over and introduced me as Karen then said I was Kevin.. Jean looks at me and there it goes like other times before, the eyes and mouth pop open. She said if not told she would never had guess it was me (thinking before Karen). Second thing, my stylist who is also the owner told me she came from Mississippi to Oregon to marry and it didn't work out. She is staying here for at least six months and then going back to Mississippi. What I thought was interesting was her saying that if I was to go to Mississippi I would get many marriage proposals. Before I could say anything see said because I was beautiful which I hear enough to have me start believing that it might possibly be some what true. So my morning was most excellent, got into some good chit-chat, got a boost of self esteem and my hair done, what more could a girl get from a hair salon.

Social condition plays a huge part in this which causes us to conform to social norms whether we want to or not as I see it.

Overall it sounds like time spent in the mist, coming out of the mist is appropriate time spent to make informed decisions on yourself. You know it may be wrong to say it took longer than others dependent on whom you are gauging yourself against as I am sure there are more than you realize that took an extended period of time to make their decision too. Thinking of clothing and makeup cost, from my perspective it's all about wearing something different each day where as a male the mindset is I will wear the same thing day after day in regards to pants and shoes and even with shirts as men are more that way while females are the complete opposite. I have a huge closet, for years as a male it was half full but as a female it has overflowed to another closet.

I am not surprised at all but you did the right thing and are in short trail-blazing the path for others. I lived with this for a long time when living as a female with my bank accounts in my male name. Of course after a year on hormone replacement treatment I simply could not hide it anymore and went to the bank manager, told him about me. After telling the bank manager I got even better service i.e. when I came in for anything and he was there or his assistant (a female) would call me over to their desk asking how they could help. Once my name officially changed the congratulated me and took care of changing all accounts to my new female name. Many are under the assumption that one must wait until after gender reassignment surgery to change their name and gender on documents but with the right therapist (like mine) they can write a letter stating it is okay for you to change name and gender. I did this one month prior to surgery which was her recommendation so that travelling would be easier. As it was nobody question me but was grateful that my ticket had a female name on it. So if ready, consider looking into changing your name and gender.

On a side note on prostate, after gender reassignment surgery the prostate goes into atrophy in about 12 months post surgery.

This is a game changer for life so the answer to pursue hormone replacement treatment should not be sought after until you have taken the time to place yourself into isolation many times and come out with "this is right for me" The following may not be suited for everyone and even so might possible change your opinion of me but I am coming from a very different place here So while teaching a group of people mixes included everyday people and military I posed the question; in front of you is a child with their hand reaching for the trigger of a IED, do you pause or take the shoot? I then stand there and say nothing which (try it sometime, ask a question where you know that nobody wants to answer and then just stand there, they are forced to respond) Bottom line, in this situation hesitation means you are dead. Like the question above indecision with hormones can very well destroy your life either mentally or physically or both. If you jump the gun without placing yourself into isolation and be truthful with yourself, back to mental/physical damage. What is isolation? Example, you walk deep into a forest, sit down and completely clear your mind of everything then focus on solely on you and hormones. If after this you decide to move forward go home, walk up to a mirror and clear your mind, look at yourself in the mirror and be truthful, ask yourself "Is HRT right for me", there should be zero hesitation. If you said yes this is right for me continue with life but mark your calendar to do the mirror thing again at least 10 times and if there is zero hesitation seek medical assistance to get treatment. My path My path did not involve the forest and not everyone can use a forest, you might drive to a secluded place and do the same thing. I would find my place that worked and would ask myself the question which was over at least one year's time. I then made an appointment with a doctor for getting on HRT. We sat down together and discussed how I came to my decision which included telling her I had seen a therapist who approved me for HRT (in later years he included me in a book he wrote that devoted a chapter on me). I told the doctor I had the letter with me if she would like to see it. She placed her hand on my knee and said "dear, I see it in your eyes that you are indeed a candidate for HRT and all I need is blood work from you". She said an assistant would be in to take my blood and make a copy of the letter (she never read it). Two days later I was called asking where should they send the prescription to? A point from the above, during the doctor consultation I believe she saw in my face and eyes from my explanations that there was zero doubt in me to move forward with HRT. I have been using her now for two years and learned that she is not so easy with others. I know of two others who were down right denied HRT until they could produced therapist letters. Conclusion As mentioned above, you must have zero doubt in your mind before making an appointment with a doctor to move forward with HRT. Don't listen to stories that say you an stop before six months and revert back to pre-hormone treatment as this is a strong indicator that those people were not ready and may never be ready for hormone replacement treatment. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, ZERO HESITATION

Thinking about "I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life" and your physical traits not in alignment with the internal you, one must realize there is always the part of how one is brought up plays into the entire picture which does not in anyway diminish the girl (thinking young age) within. Many males who are female inside can exhibit GI Joe characteristics while a female who is male inside may come off as Barbie for the sole purpose of saying "I am really this gender" but deep below it's a lie. My point being there is social reasons for the gender traits and ones to disguise who we are truly inside. Anyways what I read is A typical of people like me, you and others and it (at least to me) is wonderful that we live in a time were the internet provides us information from others to validate or invalidate our own mental self that we are truly not alone and not an anomaly or sexual deviate but instead very much sane once we come to terms with what we are going through.

I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing. Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old. One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. He turned and looks at me and said "Debbie is waiting for you in your bedroom". Debbie was unlike most girls I had dated in my late teenage and early twenties. I met her at a bowling alley, she caught my eye big time while working the snack area. She came over to give food to a customer and I made some remark like "Hey girl", she flipped me the finger. Okay, challenge is on. I went back to her area and started a conversation which at one point turned into discussing billiards and if memory serves me correct started downing beers and getting a tad rude at her. She offered me a peace offering, a hot dog which I accepted but later regret-ed it because she had cooked it in a deep fryer. All in all some how that rocky started turned into a two year party between the two of us. Going back to the night when my father indicated she was in my bedroom, I went up to my bedroom, she was asleep so I got into bed with her. Next morning she had no clue where her clothes were so she slipped into some of my clothing. So that was that. Tonight when talking to my mother I mentioned Debbie. She said I remember that night, I was awake when she came in dressed with very little clothing, dressed as an American Indian, sat down with your father and produced a bottle of Jack, asked where I was, slugged back a few then without asking said she was going to bed, my bed. Well my father liked Debbie so he let her go up there. Then I hear the rest of the story, my father was a firemen and was listening to the fire/police scanner and head a call come across that the police were looking for a teenage girl dressed as Debbie was. My parents never told me this which all I could do was simply laugh. Is there a point here? Maybe, kind of. All throughout my teenage years I was fixated on wild attractive females and never once stroke out. Years later I truly believe all these woman felt a male/female connection but did not realize it until later in the relationship which eventually ruined said relationship. Are you still with me (heck I am wondering myself lol) I find it interested to look back over some 40 years of adult life confused about my gender and now finally coming to terms with Karen so that the past does make sense where it did not many times which was at times mind blogging. I can let it all go now knowing the at least 90 percent of the woman I dated even back through high school know it was not who they thought I was and have come to terms with Karen. Now the funny thing is my 40th high school reunion is next month and the invitation went out to my male name which was crossed out and penned in Karen Payne Thanks for sticking with me on this!

Keywords to me are; scary, reality and overcome. Take it from me (yeah here goes Karen yakking again), I know that when first starting out that these things are true and at some point we all consider these components to go on and on and on and on. But one day you will wake up just like any other day doing "it" right until that one day it's second nature and others "just getting" just like you without realizing "it". That day someone is going to say things like "you are so beautiful" or "I can't even imagine you as your former self (yeah they will avoid the "M" word, male" There will be a moment when you realize that you can't imagine yourself as a male too and this carries through to others and those who don't know the former you will never have to second guess because you are you, female woo-hoo. And it goes on from there. Best wishes on your journey

Simple said it sounds like this woman has a chip on her shoulder and more likely than not is acting this way to others too. In regards to the cartoon, I can relate, had similar dreams in my younger days and were vivid. No matter how hard these times are do your best to ride through this as you have so many years ahead of you to make your changes. Bottom line is the world is not being nice to you now but like me you need to be strong (and I can say that because I was you at one time and for many decades). Sure there will be many downs but with persistence you can achieve a chest void of breast and more.

Veronica, gotcha. And that brings up a memory of when flying on a plane where I was in the middle seat. Both men tried to control the armrest but alas I was very manly then and did not allow that to happen. Well those days are gone so I will have to use my charm or never sit in a middle seat.

Veronica, great point about the elbows inward which is something I did not mention. I have my elbows out because of my breast surgery, there was a bit of chafing from the wrap they put on me where the padding had shifted.

Monica, happy to know it was not just me that found no improvement in the samples. I would be devastated if my voice had similar results.

Thanks for the advice Eve. The wrinkle issue is pretty ingrained and have tried many high quality products so my next step is to visit a professional which I have done several so far but also discussing this with a close female friend who has much knowledge on this topic. I would be super cautious about any operation to change your voice. I read countless articles and the majority were not good in outcomes. When I say that I have money to burn on this I do but would only do this is I had a 99.99% success rate and that is not going to happen. Don't want to sound like Minny Mouse or worst, go the other direction. Hear for yourself from one doctor, examples are on left of page, I was not impressed. http://voicedoctor.net/surgery/pitch/feminization-laryngoplasty

Eve, I am sure there was a small part of one of my Wordpress blog entries that mentioned that I had a tracheal shave but more likely than not said it in passing. I had a large Adam's apple which I think was a sore spot for me but for others may not had been. There was zero pain involved with this surgery. There were three good size black and blue marks after surgery which took about two weeks to go away completely. Oh, this was done at the same time as gender reassignment surgery. I regards to how much happier did breast augmentation make me? Not very much, it was simply a end to a means of completing my female physical self. With that said I will say that there is a huge difference in the shape compared to wearing breast forms, did I say huge yep, I have stared at them several times after surgery thinking about the difference between breast forms and implants, like night and day but will reiterate that I was no where near as happy as having gender reassignment surgery. Concerning voice therapy, I have from time to time considered it but the more I consider it the less I think it will happen as my only enemy is myself at this stage in the game. The enemy is when around close friends I may lower my tone a tad as I am comfortable around them, realize this and adjust. When I lower my tone it's not much but I do notice it. At this point I much rather (next year) do some skin work to remove wrinkles on my upper lip which will not be done via surgery.

In a recent post I place the image below into it which was taken by my friend who said she wanted a picture of me for memories of that day. I was thinking about female Mannerisms and Body Language but not at that moment looking at the picture below. Note this is three days after breast augmentation and not thinking about my body language what-so-ever. Several things became apparent that I would like to point out, men generally sit forward while females sit back on a chair, men typically have their legs spread and hands in their crouch or open to the outside of their legs. The purpose of this entry is for others to consider their posture not only when sitting but also when in other positions such as standing or walking. I have mentioned in the past my friend would constantly critique my mannerisms and body language when I first came out which in turn jogged my memories of being professionally taught female mannerisms. Not everyone will have someone that will critique their body language and mannerisms which means it is up to you to do so. I think doing this is critical in comfortably passing in the desired gender. Don't forget the little things such as putting your fingers through your hair,twirling your hair. Include hand gestures as needed and often. When a guy walks, subconsciously he claims the space as his and therefore walks with wider strides and kind've thinks of his shoulders like an outward extension of himself. When a girl walks, she is doing the exact opposite. Subconsciously, she is trying to take up the least amount of space possible. That is why girls walk with closer strides and keep their arms a bit closer to their sides. A picture says a thousand words as in the image below, When self-analysing myself when standing say in a check-out line I am always as shown similar to the right side image. Hopefully these suggestions are of assistance with your journey to a better life in your correct gender.