KarenPayne

I had a session with my therapist today where part of the conversation lead to a junction on a post I did this morning "The Opposite Sex, Rene's story" and she said that many letters being written by her are for Marci Bowers. Then the conversation turned to male to female clients and that in recent months she wrote letters for clients for Marci Bowers. Even though she asked before, she asked again, where you happy with your results from Marci? No hesitation, yet I am completely happy with the looks, normal functionality and arousal for just just under four months post surgery. I can not give enough praise about her in regards to pre and post surgery. Each month I text message her on her personal phone number to let her know how things are progressing. This month I said since all is fine perhaps you need not hear from me. She responded and said I care and please keep providing updates. So I just wanted others to know that Marci is in high demand and well worth waiting for yet I am guessing some may not want to wait between 14 to 18 months so if you are interested in using her know full well there is a waiting list for her services.

Monica, any form of prevention is better than having to be assaulted but best to be prepared in the likelihood one form or another preventive measure fails is worth it's weight in gold. I feel that learning "verbal judo" is good skill to have to deescalate.

Had one of those elevator discussions today, was waiting for the elevator and two female co-workers asked me what I thought about C Jenner, got that over with and then spilled over to “it’s a man’s world” which slid into my story of how after over ten years teaching firearm, impact and edge weapon self-defense that the main source of teaching dried up because of my transitioning. I also told them that perhaps in the back of my mind (and they agreed) I needed to teach and continually train because after transitioning it might take a down turn, which as I just mentioned it has. That is no different than many trans people who give up so much more and I feel fortunate that this is the only thing in my transitioned that suffered. With that, giving up teaching self-defense over more than a decade has left a huge hole in my world so I did indeed gave up a good deal. I have been thinking over the past few months once I am fully recovered it will be time to look at putting together a DVD teaching the basics of self-defense targeting the softer gender against the more powerful gender. Many instructors teach to the mass, meaning more to male vs male and only partly for females being attacked by males. My bet this has not been widely done but do know of three or four female instructors that teach this yet you need to be in training at their dojo and pay big bucks. My strategy is to look into a no frills approach which shows several common attacks and how to defend against them that does not rely on strength but instead body mechanics. Show the attack, dissect the attack and show in slow motion several times then at close to full speed how to counter the attack. Another idea I have is to take this on the road, perhaps get people in different states to ask their support groups if they would sponsor an eight hour class which would be low cost if I can get someone to host me for my stay and feed me. This way everyone benefits. The majority of techniques taught will be empty hand and will introduce people to the use of small flashlights and tactical pens to supplement their defense. For those who use a cane I am well versed in teaching self-defense with a cane. Note, besides the elevator chit-chat I received a new tactical pen manufactured by a fellow instructor I met back around 2004 in Florida during a master instructor week long class. Tactical pens are great tools for self-defense. One can pick up one on the low-end for about twenty-five dollars while mine generally are range from just under one-hundred to close to two-hundred dollars but the average person need not spend that kind of money for a good tactical pen. Also, tactical flashlights are great too for self-defense and in my honest opinion one should never leave home without a flashlight after dark which is something I discuss when teaching. Bottom line, scumbags despise the light, they enjoy preying on the weak and the innocent from the dark, they don’t want to be seen so I say “light them up”. Note, I can not stress enough that having a tool with little training doubles your chances of escaping an attack. For me (and I have done this) I use them for defense, compliance and restraint. Once you see me with a simple pen against a large attacker and what can be done it generally inspires students with greater confidence. Some of my tactical pens and flashlights. Top pen is one I show for what not to carry as it has a point that can stab and we want not to stab but to hit places were skin is close to bone. Next two are my favorite, the second from top runs about $80 while the third from top is about $300. Fourth one down is about $25 and works great. Fifth down from the top I just got in the mail today runs $125. Last item is a flashlight which I carry 24/7 for both illumination and defense. On the right is a flashlight I carry when wearing a jacket and have a second one next to my bed.

I agree with Monica, go at least five or six time to make an informed decision whether the group is worth attending or not. I would had been surprised if the Jenner topic did not come up.

Yes changes will be small but are cumulative over time they add up to big changes that one day you will look at old pictures and see two different people, a male in one, a female in the other

Last week was my first post surgery operation appointment for breast augmentation where I was told there would be several more appointments over the next several months. Today I was examined and asked about pain or discomfort. I told them what little pain was still present was almost completely gone on Monday of this week. Both the surgeon and his assistant (a female) agreed that my recovery was better than the average person after breast augmentation and said even with heavy muscles I was doing fantastic. During the examination I was placed into various positions to ensure the forms were in the proper position which is what the elastic strap was for which I had been wearing for the past two weeks. So now no more wrap but was told to be careful with things like lifting heavy objects for the next two week. They said I was doing so well that my next appointment will not be for five months unless I had concerns. This morning I thought that they might toss the wrap and decided to bring a bra with me so once the appointment was concluded I went right to the restroom and put on the bra I brought with me. Comparing the old breast forms to my new breast, there is very little difference in projection which made me happy. Speaking of bras, I plan on visiting Victoria's Secrets Friday afternoon for a bra fitting. My wish is to get one for everyday and one fancy bra. I will work with the everyday bra during the weekend and if it suits me will purchase more on Monday after work.

Every once in a while I get tired around lunch time at work and luck that I park my car in the underground garage in my building. So I went down to take a nap and as I am falling asleep I am thinking it's been four months since gender reassignment surgery and started going back in time thinking, self-evaluating how life has been treating me. My conclusion was that there is nothing negative at all about me changing gender and little to no complaints in other aspects of my life. I believe one reason for me taking this journey back to January is because I made a commitment to my therapist that I would continue seeing her at least until my surgery anniversary date. This Friday will be my second visit with her since surgery, the first was right after returning home. Besides informing her that all is well I am going to indicate that I want to wait six months until another visit simply because how life is rolling along nicely now. I know full well that I can contact her in between visits so I always can reach out if for some odd reason things change. Knowing what I know it's important no matter how well life is going to have a life line to a therapist as life can take a down turn in a blink of an eye and wanted to stress this to others as we all deal with what life tosses us differently. What you thought was truth before hormone treatment therapy will be different say 12 to 24 months later. Heck this weekend I cried my eye's out while watching a movie, heck before hormones I will not had any emotional response at all. For someone else this could very well throw them into a depressive state of mind which may be difficult to pull out of so please keep a life line open to a therapist along your journey. Lastly, keep in mind you are not alone, when there are feelings (dark feelings) of depression do not hold it within, find someone who will listen and by all means vent your feelings here in a blog entry. And don't watch depressing things on television and avoid drugs and drinking, they are temporary solutions that only cause less than great emotional and mental well-being.

Christie, My honest opinion is when I first looked at your picture I saw FEMALE staring back at me, no doubt in my mind. Now with that said I have to agree with Eve in that you need to fashion your hair in the front one way or another to complete the look. Perhaps next weekend if time and money allow with a comfort level go to a hair stylist, tell them about yourself and ask "what can you do with my hair to give it a female look?" My guess is, again as Eve indicated to drop the hair to cover your forehead. Get the right hair stylist and I truly believe afterwards people seeing you in public will not see a male but a female. And I will say it again, all I see is female On the note about alone time, sounds like it got some results be in positive or negative and remember one time is not enough, find time again and ask yourself these questions again and any new ones. You even might consider writing them down and your responses to the questions so that you can go back to them again and also bring them with you to a therapist appointment for a discussion point or two.

It is possible for a therapist to sign-off on gender surgery in less than one year, just depends on if the therapist. So happy to hear you found the woman who is helping you out.

Thanks Monica for the complement.

Thanks for the compliment Warren and hope all is as well as it can be (I believe you know what I mean in a good way) in your world

Thanks Christie, the photographer made me feel right at home.

Since my mother and brother who live 3,500 miles from me have not seen Karen I went and got some photos done. Before are a few of the photos. For my mother and brother (both live in the same house) I had three pictures framed together. I elected to have the pictures taken with zero makeup so any and all flaws do show up and that is how I like it, natural.

I always enjoyed going to my hair salon prior to becoming female but it's so much better now as I am included into chit-chat that only woman engage in. Was there for three hours getting my roots and highlights done so there was a good deal of chit-chat. Two things worth mentioning, one of the stylist who (just learned this today) has been there for 13 years (and I have been going there for 20) ignored me so I thought then the stylist doing my hair said to me, do you know Jean (the other stylist)? I said yes and wonder if she knows who I am? So she called Jean over and introduced me as Karen then said I was Kevin.. Jean looks at me and there it goes like other times before, the eyes and mouth pop open. She said if not told she would never had guess it was me (thinking before Karen). Second thing, my stylist who is also the owner told me she came from Mississippi to Oregon to marry and it didn't work out. She is staying here for at least six months and then going back to Mississippi. What I thought was interesting was her saying that if I was to go to Mississippi I would get many marriage proposals. Before I could say anything see said because I was beautiful which I hear enough to have me start believing that it might possibly be some what true. So my morning was most excellent, got into some good chit-chat, got a boost of self esteem and my hair done, what more could a girl get from a hair salon.

Social condition plays a huge part in this which causes us to conform to social norms whether we want to or not as I see it.

Overall it sounds like time spent in the mist, coming out of the mist is appropriate time spent to make informed decisions on yourself. You know it may be wrong to say it took longer than others dependent on whom you are gauging yourself against as I am sure there are more than you realize that took an extended period of time to make their decision too. Thinking of clothing and makeup cost, from my perspective it's all about wearing something different each day where as a male the mindset is I will wear the same thing day after day in regards to pants and shoes and even with shirts as men are more that way while females are the complete opposite. I have a huge closet, for years as a male it was half full but as a female it has overflowed to another closet.

I am not surprised at all but you did the right thing and are in short trail-blazing the path for others. I lived with this for a long time when living as a female with my bank accounts in my male name. Of course after a year on hormone replacement treatment I simply could not hide it anymore and went to the bank manager, told him about me. After telling the bank manager I got even better service i.e. when I came in for anything and he was there or his assistant (a female) would call me over to their desk asking how they could help. Once my name officially changed the congratulated me and took care of changing all accounts to my new female name. Many are under the assumption that one must wait until after gender reassignment surgery to change their name and gender on documents but with the right therapist (like mine) they can write a letter stating it is okay for you to change name and gender. I did this one month prior to surgery which was her recommendation so that travelling would be easier. As it was nobody question me but was grateful that my ticket had a female name on it. So if ready, consider looking into changing your name and gender.

On a side note on prostate, after gender reassignment surgery the prostate goes into atrophy in about 12 months post surgery.

This is a game changer for life so the answer to pursue hormone replacement treatment should not be sought after until you have taken the time to place yourself into isolation many times and come out with "this is right for me" The following may not be suited for everyone and even so might possible change your opinion of me but I am coming from a very different place here So while teaching a group of people mixes included everyday people and military I posed the question; in front of you is a child with their hand reaching for the trigger of a IED, do you pause or take the shoot? I then stand there and say nothing which (try it sometime, ask a question where you know that nobody wants to answer and then just stand there, they are forced to respond) Bottom line, in this situation hesitation means you are dead. Like the question above indecision with hormones can very well destroy your life either mentally or physically or both. If you jump the gun without placing yourself into isolation and be truthful with yourself, back to mental/physical damage. What is isolation? Example, you walk deep into a forest, sit down and completely clear your mind of everything then focus on solely on you and hormones. If after this you decide to move forward go home, walk up to a mirror and clear your mind, look at yourself in the mirror and be truthful, ask yourself "Is HRT right for me", there should be zero hesitation. If you said yes this is right for me continue with life but mark your calendar to do the mirror thing again at least 10 times and if there is zero hesitation seek medical assistance to get treatment. My path My path did not involve the forest and not everyone can use a forest, you might drive to a secluded place and do the same thing. I would find my place that worked and would ask myself the question which was over at least one year's time. I then made an appointment with a doctor for getting on HRT. We sat down together and discussed how I came to my decision which included telling her I had seen a therapist who approved me for HRT (in later years he included me in a book he wrote that devoted a chapter on me). I told the doctor I had the letter with me if she would like to see it. She placed her hand on my knee and said "dear, I see it in your eyes that you are indeed a candidate for HRT and all I need is blood work from you". She said an assistant would be in to take my blood and make a copy of the letter (she never read it). Two days later I was called asking where should they send the prescription to? A point from the above, during the doctor consultation I believe she saw in my face and eyes from my explanations that there was zero doubt in me to move forward with HRT. I have been using her now for two years and learned that she is not so easy with others. I know of two others who were down right denied HRT until they could produced therapist letters. Conclusion As mentioned above, you must have zero doubt in your mind before making an appointment with a doctor to move forward with HRT. Don't listen to stories that say you an stop before six months and revert back to pre-hormone treatment as this is a strong indicator that those people were not ready and may never be ready for hormone replacement treatment. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, ZERO HESITATION

Thinking about "I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life" and your physical traits not in alignment with the internal you, one must realize there is always the part of how one is brought up plays into the entire picture which does not in anyway diminish the girl (thinking young age) within. Many males who are female inside can exhibit GI Joe characteristics while a female who is male inside may come off as Barbie for the sole purpose of saying "I am really this gender" but deep below it's a lie. My point being there is social reasons for the gender traits and ones to disguise who we are truly inside. Anyways what I read is A typical of people like me, you and others and it (at least to me) is wonderful that we live in a time were the internet provides us information from others to validate or invalidate our own mental self that we are truly not alone and not an anomaly or sexual deviate but instead very much sane once we come to terms with what we are going through.

I am not one to call people on the phone which my mother knows all so well but when she calls we usually chat for between one and two hours. She lives on the opposite coast, 94 years old with the mind of a 40 year old which is truly amazing. Tonight we talked about some of my old girlfriends and she talked about some of her old boy friends back when she was 18 years old. One of the stories was when I was out and about with a few guy friends all night, came home and my father was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. He turned and looks at me and said "Debbie is waiting for you in your bedroom". Debbie was unlike most girls I had dated in my late teenage and early twenties. I met her at a bowling alley, she caught my eye big time while working the snack area. She came over to give food to a customer and I made some remark like "Hey girl", she flipped me the finger. Okay, challenge is on. I went back to her area and started a conversation which at one point turned into discussing billiards and if memory serves me correct started downing beers and getting a tad rude at her. She offered me a peace offering, a hot dog which I accepted but later regret-ed it because she had cooked it in a deep fryer. All in all some how that rocky started turned into a two year party between the two of us. Going back to the night when my father indicated she was in my bedroom, I went up to my bedroom, she was asleep so I got into bed with her. Next morning she had no clue where her clothes were so she slipped into some of my clothing. So that was that. Tonight when talking to my mother I mentioned Debbie. She said I remember that night, I was awake when she came in dressed with very little clothing, dressed as an American Indian, sat down with your father and produced a bottle of Jack, asked where I was, slugged back a few then without asking said she was going to bed, my bed. Well my father liked Debbie so he let her go up there. Then I hear the rest of the story, my father was a firemen and was listening to the fire/police scanner and head a call come across that the police were looking for a teenage girl dressed as Debbie was. My parents never told me this which all I could do was simply laugh. Is there a point here? Maybe, kind of. All throughout my teenage years I was fixated on wild attractive females and never once stroke out. Years later I truly believe all these woman felt a male/female connection but did not realize it until later in the relationship which eventually ruined said relationship. Are you still with me (heck I am wondering myself lol) I find it interested to look back over some 40 years of adult life confused about my gender and now finally coming to terms with Karen so that the past does make sense where it did not many times which was at times mind blogging. I can let it all go now knowing the at least 90 percent of the woman I dated even back through high school know it was not who they thought I was and have come to terms with Karen. Now the funny thing is my 40th high school reunion is next month and the invitation went out to my male name which was crossed out and penned in Karen Payne Thanks for sticking with me on this!

Keywords to me are; scary, reality and overcome. Take it from me (yeah here goes Karen yakking again), I know that when first starting out that these things are true and at some point we all consider these components to go on and on and on and on. But one day you will wake up just like any other day doing "it" right until that one day it's second nature and others "just getting" just like you without realizing "it". That day someone is going to say things like "you are so beautiful" or "I can't even imagine you as your former self (yeah they will avoid the "M" word, male" There will be a moment when you realize that you can't imagine yourself as a male too and this carries through to others and those who don't know the former you will never have to second guess because you are you, female woo-hoo. And it goes on from there. Best wishes on your journey

Simple said it sounds like this woman has a chip on her shoulder and more likely than not is acting this way to others too. In regards to the cartoon, I can relate, had similar dreams in my younger days and were vivid. No matter how hard these times are do your best to ride through this as you have so many years ahead of you to make your changes. Bottom line is the world is not being nice to you now but like me you need to be strong (and I can say that because I was you at one time and for many decades). Sure there will be many downs but with persistence you can achieve a chest void of breast and more.

Veronica, gotcha. And that brings up a memory of when flying on a plane where I was in the middle seat. Both men tried to control the armrest but alas I was very manly then and did not allow that to happen. Well those days are gone so I will have to use my charm or never sit in a middle seat.

Veronica, great point about the elbows inward which is something I did not mention. I have my elbows out because of my breast surgery, there was a bit of chafing from the wrap they put on me where the padding had shifted.