KarenPayne

Great photos, great to see you smiling.

One slap coming up once on my road trip In regards to a "go bag" or "bug out bag", I keep one at work with focus on CERT where I am part of the core team in Salem Oregon and also an instructor. Off in left field, when I went for instructor training most had more expertise then me and had been EMT professionals. At first I was surprised that 90 percent of them smoked then figured it out. Back on track, have another "go bag" in my car trunk. The first one indeed has a firearm while the second does not. The last one at home has an AR and 22 rifle sitting there next to the bag. Okay, this might be a slap on the back of the head thingie, some might wonder, why two rifles at opposite ends of the caliber spectrum. If I was being attacked by intruders during civil unrest more likely than not it will be a pack of scumbags. If you shot with the AR they split apart but if yeah shot one or two with the 22 they are more likely to come to the rescue of the one's shot. While doing so I change up to the AR (or my bear rifle) and that is all she wrote. I don't advocate ever senselessly shooting another human unless my life was dependent on it. Lastly, I am in a group that we all meet in the country and are well prepared to fend off intruders and live comfortably as one can in the woods for extended periods of time. We have two brothers who are Marine sharpshooters for the outer borders

Thinking in line with my last post on "use it or lose it" I thought it was appropriate to tell you about a viberator that in my honest opinion is a must have. I know several woman that is a viberator and most have the larger ones for penetration while one woman I know uses one that is for clitorial stimulation. I have been using a medium size penis shaped viberator that is average length of a penis and decent girth. It does the job but takes a while to climax. It can be used with or without lubricant but two months ago I needed lube. So with me being constantly aroused last night and today I needed something better. When I say constantly aroused I mean in the car driving to the store, in the store also. The cause was how my underwear was rubbing up against my sensitive area. So I am looking at the various mini-viberators, they start out at $29, then to $39 then finally $59. The sales lady asked if I wanted any of them opened so I could inspect them which I did. Then I was just about ready to purchase the $39 one she said there is one more and it's very popular, the Tango. She said it is rechargeable via a USB cable, has eight settings and if you hold the on/off button to turn it off it will remember the last setting used so one does not have to cycle through the settings. I went and did some grocery shopping, came home and setup the Tango to charge which in the manual says 90 minutes but was finished in 30 minutes. So now I get undressed thinking this could be great or a let down. Played with a few settings and hit on one that does heavy vibrating, stops for a split second, does a different vibrate then back to the start again. Didn't know it at the time but when I found the "right spot" guessing in five minutes my toes were curling, spasming to the point I was going to pull it off but decide I am hooked and this is so much better than it's big brother, the penis shaped dildo. Let me say this, I can easily do without being penetrated by a penis with this lovely and incredible viberator. Yes skin touching skin is best but there are times when I am alone and horny and not wanting to get dressed, depend on the other person in the mood etc. The viberator is well constructed, just the right size and oh my God, the tip is flat on one side and goes to a point and I can not describe in words what the shape does for me but gives me a extraordinary orgasm bar none. Only down side is the price is $89 but it's worth every single penny. Check it out even if you are not interested in purchasing one to see what it looks like. I will say the site is boring yet that's fine when the product is fan-f**king great. http://we-vibe.com/tango

You hear about men and woman as they grow old have less desire for making love or masterbastion, one day it's all we can think about then it's gone for the most part. Then there are others who never go down this path. Nothing wrong to be in either camp. When still a male I was pretty much a sexual creature until around 2007 where I was repulsed using my penis. I became asexual, would masterbate while tucked, never looking down. It was not easy to come to orgasm with everything tucked away but after ten to twenty minutes was done and very satisfied. I did this once a week where before 2007 I was having sex several times a week, I think more than anything else was more interested in how hormones were affecting me as I heard that in some cases the sex drive goes away or is less than prior to hormones. After GRS I have been with several partners but other than one man and two woman not much there is regards to orgasm. I heard that it takes six to eight months to be able to obtain orgasm which is my current time frame. Last night I got simulating thoughts going through my brain, ended up very excited for roughly an hour until it was to the point I felt like I need a partner which I called on one and was great. This morning I was thinking about last night and ended up pleasuring myself and before I knew it two hours had passed and had to forcefully stop myself. Took a shower and got onto the computer. As I am writing this paragraph the tingling is there again but must refrain because I have an appointment for hair coloring in another hour. Okay, with all the above out, there have been times between January and now that I could not get aroused and thought I was getting to be one of those who lost it from not using it enough, using it, by that I mean the brain not what is below the belt. I get so busy sometimes that I ignore my sexual desires and that is not wise so now I am not going to let this happen anymore. Hopefully for those who will be transitioning via surgery both before and after surgery will not let your sex appetite be lost.

Veronica, I don't teach Tomahawks but have skill with them and funny that you asked because I keep a firearm, flashlight and Tomahawk next to my bed for protection. Check out the model I have here. I hear yea about breaking nails which is why I get shellac nail polish which is super strong, never in one and a half years as a nail broke. Had to forgo shellac for GRS and no less then four nails broke in one week.

When I hit the age of 30 years old I went from a night person who was totally into playing in a rock band playing in clubs or jamming with various musicians and getting up late to going to bed early and getting up when others were falling asleep. I then get up and be on the computer figuring out complex problems or putting on headphones creating music. The family sleeping soundly and me doing this dressed gave me the little peace of mind I needed to keep sanity in the male body. I was afforded this luxury because I created a (hate to say it) man cave or should I say woman cave??? The majority of people in my position at that time in my life most likely did not have the luxury to dress and be free of worries of being caught so I am grateful for that. This morning I got up at my usual time, 2AM (yeah that's right), go pee, get on the computer, check out what is transpiring on the developer's forums at Microsoft where I am a moderator. After scanning a few of the forums make coffee, sat back down in my boyshorts and tank top, check out Facebook and today note who is going to a pride event that I am going too. All the while the television is on with Led Zeppelin's Song remains the same. I then check out what's going on here then will shortly visit an exclusive web site cult (in a good way) devoted to like minded people that centers around edge weapons. I could take volumes about this place but will refrain but if you love all things shape it's a haven. By 3:30AM I will be ready to dilate, this morning watch a show recorded called "Edge of Alaska" which I really like, by 5AM more coffee and breakfast then take a drive to see about parking at the pride event, back home by 6:30AM, take a morning walk, take a nap, heck look what I have done and the sun has barely risen. Oh, I forgot to mention answering email messages from friends or Skype with one or two friends that are kind of similar to me or are in totally different time zones. You don't need to get up like me but do challenge those reading this to get up and do stuff in the morning.

I agree with Monica on the reply about sex drive. Three years ago compare to today my sex drive has totally changed. For years an erect penis was validation and now it's an entire body "event". Thinking of BAD SELF (hey Veronica), oh if I could describe my bad-self since say two months after GRS what stories I might tell, perhaps nasty girl is a more suitable description for me. There are times when I don;t think about sex for days on end then there are days that the train stop for my body event with a man or woman that usually last much, much longer than in my old physical self, a man (yuk). Christie, I believe going in to this will bring much joy and revelations. Some one notable once said (not the exact words) something like, each day we are born again, make the most of it. I do so, especially that I missed out on so much as a female I embrace it all and hope you will too, take nothing for granted.

Congratulations on the true start of your journey, the real life test and not so much the hormones. Hormones are easy, pop a few pills, an injection or a shot that if one forgets one day is not a big deal. But with the real life test we don’t forget but make a conscious decision to not dress for an event or a day. One when makes the decision not to dress in the opposite gender that says “I am hesitant”, “is this really what I want”. When I first started my real life test I had to deal with many things that would had been easier to not dress as female and very true when teaching self-defense classes but I persevered and this is what you and others need to do, be the female you are inside, outside, no excuses. I do wish you the very best in your journey to bringing the internal female to the physical world.

For a while now I have been wanting to get involved in the LGBT community teaching practical self-defense and if there is an audience to teach advance self-defense. With that said if anyone is aware of groups or events for 2016 that I can contact or they can contact me please let me know be in East or West Coast. I have a strong background teaching practical empty-hand and impact tactics along with firearms if the need is there I can even combine class and get into walking cane and baton tactics also.

We all know that people should be over two people with different skin pigmentation being together but sadly it's still an issue to many, best to ignore those who think that way altogether.

I can not fathom what you are going through to the level of anguish you are at now and do feel for you. I hope that somehow you can eventually climb out of this dark place you are currently in. What I will say is if things don't work out in September do not give up. You need to expand your horizons past your current physical environment (I have said that before) and consider a move to someplace that will be more open to your need to have breast removal. Next up, and this is extreme, if there is so much pain binding your breast consider not binding them, yeah it's probably unthinkable yet if the physical pain is so unbearable it might be worth trying, NOTE: I did not rate or score this blog entry for a reason, how can I "like" what you are going through? If there was "I feel sympathy for you" button I would click it. Does that make sense?

In my elementary school days there was a bully who would tease me, "hey sissy" or "hey little girl" to no end. When one day a new boy came to class and while walking home the bully started on me and the new boy intervened by knocking the bully on his butt. I remained really good friends with the new kid until several years after high school then reconnected with him on Facebook several years ago. I started counting down the days to GRS but would only post on Facebook that I was heading to California for surgery. He asked (on Facebook) what I was going in for? I said (get this) nothing major and left it at that. I forget when but I changed my name and gender on Facebook say in February. Did not hear a peep from him in regards to direct communications. Yesterday he posted a video about a senior citizen shooting at a criminal and I responded. He then said, "How is Kevin doing?" I said he is decease then he asked when. So I told him Kevin died and Karen was born. He could not believe it and thought I may have hijacked Kevin's account so he asked me three questions that I should know from 40 years ago, answered them and he was then convinced. He said I should call sometime to caught up on things and I told him I will be there in the Spring. So while this is going on another friend of mine (and his) must had missed out on my transition because he went through my photos and "liked" one of them. Any ways I find it interesting that these two friends did not caught on and I even wrote a post on my gender change, In regards to the picture, this is how he sees me and is me at a local shooting range I believe back in 2007 doing my Clint type of look, bad ass. For the record there is a full size 1911 pistol on my hip and a revolver in my left front pocket in a pocket holster and a pistol on my right ankle. Okay, I hear your wheels churning in your heads so a little explanation is in order for newcomers. I did executive protection for 10 years, was on call for this, worked with local PD and taught self-defense for 13 years. Have been at both ends of the muzzle of a firearm and survived but can not say that for the bad guys. I tend not to discuss this too much as this is one thing I lost when I transitioned and hope someday to regain at least the teaching part. This was a hot day, had body armour under my shirt.

In regards to the unpleasant surprise, get use to it girl, it's a brave new world you have stepped into. I get this all the time and have learned to deal with it be it not looking in their direction or if in conversation drop at hint that I have a significant other at home.

Hello Samantha, Your story sounds all to familiar, many have been down the same path as you and many will follow as this is something children will never feel comfortable talking to their parents about at various ages or if they do parents many times believe it's a 'passing thing'. Eventually suppression, best to obtain the assistance of a therapist who knows how to deal with transgender else you may head towards a dark place in your mind. This forum is an excellent place to learn from and share.

​Monica, actually I did not buy her one, she is not into bracelets, instead she got one for me while I was purchasing one for myself

One criticism, next time you take a picture look straight ahead rather than looking in a downward direction, otherwise great pictures

Yesterday I went to visit my best female friend who unfortunately lives forty minutes north of me and does not drive. During non-peak hours it's a 20 minute drive. Any ways we were planned on going to the Portland Saturday market but I for some reason went to bed at 6:30PM Friday night and she was up dealing with an inebriated husband till 3AM in the morning. Beings I was up at mid-night and ended up texting with her the end result was no Saturday market as we both needed to take naps and ended up getting to her place around 11AM. So we went to a great mall five minutes from her place and did typical shopping and trying on clothes. Got to Pandora store (the only one in Oregon) and wanted to find a charm for my bracelet that had butterflies which can be seen in the picture above costing $40. After picking that one out my friend asked the sales person if they had any charms with a knife on it (if you have read my blogs this is about me and teaching edge weapon tactics) but no they did not. Then she says, how about one for best friends. Now I know at this point what she is doing, looking to purchase a charm for my bracelet and keep quite as saying you don't need to do this will not stop her. So the third one I say something like, yes that one works for me and by looking at it my brain says "expensive". She says I want to buy this for her. Side note, when you tell the sales person you want a charm he or she (dealt with both) will place the charm on the bracelet. He then takes both our credit cards to ring up the charms. At this point my friend breaks down in tears and know why, she adores me and has said countless times I am truly her best friend. So we embrace each other for a while then release. I look at her and she at me and we embrace again all the while she has tears flowing down her face. Of course that got me teary eyed too. I was of course not keeping time on this but was an intense few minutes and the sales person did not try to interrupt us. Even though a year ago I had been on hormones for eight months I was not that emotional, I had been a fearsome male who rarely if ever showed emotions and now over the past six months finding this happening more and more Leaving the store she told me not to tell her husband she had purchased the charm as he would not care for her spending that kind of money on non-family members We then went to lunch then back to her place where her husband was cooking dinner. Sat and chatted for about an hour then left for home. If you read this far the thing I wanted to say if nothing else is, it is so wonderful to have good friends. I have many friends but only four that I can say that are really and truly a friend for life. Besides my friend mentioned above I have after thirty years rekindled friendship with my brother's former girlfriend whom he dated in our late teens. I stayed close with her for another five years until she moved 3,000 miles away. We reconnected the week after my gender reassignment surgery for an entire day. Two weeks ago I said I would be purchasing a new sports car in the fall and driving down her way to visit my son. She has invited me to stay for a weekend which will be so wonderful. There are few people that will do this and I am honored to be her friend.

Congratulations, woo-hoo. In regards to emotional changes, it takes a while for this to happen and is usually a gradual change. Also, starting out on a small does is really best so they can monitor the effects of the hormones on your body and mind.

Monica, Thanks for that which affirms my brain is indeed in the right place.

Hi Eve, I think there are many that have done what the both of us did and as we get older see that we need to change to a more conservative approach to dressing. I am sure you loved how you dressed at that time, same here, it was fun but now we have evolved Hope all is well in your world.

Those who are cross-dressers that become transgender who are on a journey to gender reassignment surgery most likely have gone through the following. You felt compelled to dress in the opposite gender, may have been your mother's or sister's garments or you have been resourceful in some other way to obtain the opposite gender clothing. It begins early in life, many just over five years old and as age is accumulated going to stores and clothing outlets in secret (for most) is how clothing is obtained. You hurry home to put on the clothing, look in the mirror and are happy and nervous at the same time, happy to be in the proper attire but nervous someone will come home to see you. Life continues and trans people become more resourceful by hiding clothing and put it on when nobody else is home or perhaps get a motel room, dress, go out and sadly at some point must disrobe and go home. The above is but one permutation in how things might pan out and is not meant to cover everyone. Now for me I will not lie, I spent a lot of time out in clubs dressed extremely sexy but at the same time not overly done up with very high heels and tons of makeup. Have always be conservative even in sexy mode out at clubs. Time spun by and I fell into the "blend in" like other females in my area. Went home and either stayed dressed as I was at work (this is after gender surgery) or pj's. Now here is the kicker, over the past month I head straight for the bedroom, toss my clothes into the hamper and put on a tank top and a fresh pair of underwear. Some might call this de evolution, say what, spent all the money and time to become a female and not dress as one??? Here is what I believe to be true, I am so comfortable in my own skin that why cover it up? When friends drop by unannounced I have either a skirt or shorts to put on quickly. Read this far? If so here is what I would suggest from what I wrote above and what I have not written is that so many who are transitioning feel they must either dress well, dress sexy to enforce their self image of a woman they can lose sight of the bigger picture which is to simply enjoy life, blend in to the woodwork in regards to not dressing up but instead elegantly dressing to the average woman. I have many female friends who at home after work will get comfy as I do (well maybe not down to their underwear yet in this heat maybe). It is critical during your one year trial period to become relaxed and comfortable with "everything" else one can worry themselves to death and we all need down time. PS Feel that I am missing something??? But than again maybe not. I encourage others to voice their opinions.

It's only natural to have anxiety but from what I have read in this entry, sounds like "all systems are a go". Yes, blood test are so they know the level of hormones to dish out too you and several months down the road they will test your blood level again, usually every six months is the deal. Best wishes for tomorrow.

Did I read that right, a possibility of $60,000 cost for SRS for MTF which is a lot of money, double and then some for what I paid.

If I lived closer I would volunteer. And I have made an offer that if anyone needs support that are having surgery in California, Oregon or Washington state I will be more than happy to be there with them if they don't have anyone no cost to them.

For years I wondered why do I need approval from two therapist for gender reassignment surgery and at times really aggravated me to no end but once I started it all became clear. You see, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body can taunt and consume a person to various states of mind that can lead to a dark place thus never seeing the reasoning behind the "why" behind the requirement for therapy coupled with living in the opposite gender for at least one year. Here is the deal, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body there can be relief by wearing clothing of the opposite gender but that is usually hindered as many don't have a safe haven to wear clothing for an extended period of time and eventually as one grows older the feelings of being in the wrong physical body become more intense and can destroy marriages and cause one to become secluded to the point they are alone and now in their free time can become the female they should be to a limited degree by dressing in the role of a female for longer periods. The danger here is we think that by setting an appointment for reassignment surgery with an informed consent is all one should need. There lays the problem, it's a completely different world living as a female 24/7 in each and every aspect of your life. It quickly becomes real when you are paying for something in a store and need to use your credit card that says John Smith when you are dressed female. You might get lucky as I did, sales lady looks at the name on my credit card and says, John Smith is your husband? I will need to see your identification. Me, no that is my name, sales lady, your parents have a strange way of naming their daughter. But not everyone will be fortunate for this to happen. Next up (which should had been firsts). The female voice, a dead give away if not practiced. You are paying for groceries at the store, cashier engages you in conversation and although nobody would every guess that you were not female because you have taken the time to dress properly, age appropriate clothing and not to much makeup you say something and out slips the male voice, oooops, you get the idea. In the real live experience you are under pressure either all the time or some of the time and for many will truly challenge their original thoughts of transitioning. Geez, can I really pull this off? What I mean is, once you have a vagina and breast it's a completely new world and you have no choice but to either blend in as part of the scenery, become part of the scenery or become ostracized for being a freak and with that comes depression, self-doubt or more leading to dark places OR you rise to the task of merging your inner female self with a new physical self from the affects of hormones. Trust me when I say, you have no idea, no clue what one year of living in the opposite gender is like until you have been doing it for say three months and then look back 12 months later and can't hardly remember what it was like as a male and if you can more likely than not remember it differently how the full time female experience would be. I challenge those taking this journey to write down their thoughts before starting HRT and therapy then say 10 months down the road read what you wrote and see how you think about the journey now. If comfortable, keep a daily journal of your ups and downs, like anybody living we have ups and downs and in the 12 month role they are magnified. When seeing a therapist there are gaps of time between visits and having these notes can help you engage with the therapist. BOTTOM LINE: The real life experience as I see it now is that it's good for you while looking back I thought "what the heck". Hopefully those traveling down the road for gender reassignment surgery will be fortunate to have a good support system in place to assist them with the 12 month real life test and it will go better this way. Personally I had (and still have) a wonderful female friend who not only supported me but traveled to California to be with me for GRS and then with breast augmentation was there for me too in my home taking care of me. You can not do this on your own, I repeat, you can not do this on your own so get use to the fact you will need a good support system which should be done before starting your journey, find out who are really friends and who are not and don't be surprised that many may be repulsed at the thought of you wanting to be female. EDIT I was just scanning over the following page and saw that some people are asked to wait up to two years before being given HRT, that is outrageous. I think that HRT and real life test should be allowed together.