KarenPayne

Be forewarned what follows is sexually explicit and there is no need to warn me about what I did as I am an adult and know the risk. The intent here is for others to learn from my mistakes, nothing more nothing less. I take no pride in what follows and hope others will learn from this. So Friday I was feeling frisky but not enough to act out on these feelings as I was comfy at home. So I used my toy and pleasured myself early evening and throughout the night the sensations lingered, went to bed and was a pleasant sleep. Woke up Saturday morning and read something that got me a little excited so I decided to use my toy while dilating. Next thing I know it’s an hour later, did not want to stop but did. I am now thinking I need to find a man as I am about to go crazy needing something more than my toy. I have several men whom I have sexual encounters with, none were available yesterday morning, not until later in the evening. Well I needed it now and then. So I have been in the past to an adult club where I have hooked up with one man several times and was hoping he would be there. Did not get dressed up sexy, never do, they see me coming and the penises stand in salute. So I sit down in a room playing porn. The man I was seeking was not there. Figured since I just paid ten bucks to get in I would sit back and play with myself and maybe the man might come in later. It took all but two minutes and I was surrounded by a group of men with their penises out. One was very polite and asked if he could touch me. I nodded and he proceeded to caress me which felt good. After a while he wanted to get inside of me and I acknowledge his intent and he put on a condom. He tried several times to enter me but failed then turned to another man stoking away and said (I think) “do you want this”, he nodded yes and I nodded yes. He put on a condom and tried to enter me but could not. Then as I see it this is funny, he gets between my legs and strokes his penis against my belly and after about 30 seconds let’s out a moan, turns and the first man asked if he had orgasm and nodded yes. All this time a man next to me was attempting to shove his penis into my mouth and I must have refused a dozen times. Along comes a younger man, built extremely well, he does everything right before entering me and has zero issues and lasted at least ten minutes. When leaving the place I was not in a very good mood even though I finally got what I was after it was not enjoyable in that I had to go through two pigs to get what I wanted and decided no matter how aroused I get will never, ever go back to such a place. Guess what, my urge is back today and I am keeping my legs closed. What I now wonder is how cisgender woman deal with this when they get aroused and a play toy is not enough. I doubt they run off to an adult arcade to get satisfaction.

I agree Monica, female intuition does exists yet some ignore it. Many good examples can be found in the book The Gift of Fear. I have it and like many did not believe I had it but in time after my real life test embraced it.

​In regards to "takes a lot of energy", simply put, give it time and it will not be hard at all. Seems one day I thought to myself, heck, I am not trying anymore and that was it, I can be concerned about other things in life. That was a long time ago.

When I started the following was used taken from a place called the Q-Center, on this page. Sequence Obtain a Name ChangeChange the name with the Social Security AdministrationChange the name and gender identifier with the DMVChange one’s passport name and gender identifierObtain a Court Ordered Gender Change in OregonChange the Name and gender identifier on the Oregon birth certificate if you were born in Oregon​I did 1 and 5 when doing 1 because my therapist wrote a letter for doing the gender change which is not actually required with number 1 but is required with number 3. Number 2 was started but had to wait for my new driver licence to complete. The Social Security office was very pleasant and also unlike others there for other services got me through quickly. Did not do 6 as I was not born in Oregon and plan on doing this down the road as I have a copy of my original birth certificate. After obtaining my driver licence I did my credit cards, insurance and utilities. Interesting enough I pay my rent each month since with my new name and never been questioned by the rental company. My work credentials started one month prior to surgery and finished three weeks after surgery as I needed my new social security card which was approved prior to surgery but came while in California for surgery.

Just when you believe you are done with all things related name change and gender changes. I am still getting mail that has my former name and the senders are from state government and have changed my name and gender at the federal and state level. As a Microsoft MVP comes with it a handler who is someone that can assist you in ways that the average person does not have access too and is completely free. I told my handler in January of my transition, no problems there but kept sending special email messages to my old identity email account. Just got a new handler this month and they without asking transferred my address to my current female email account. So it's been seven months, one more down, still many to go if you can believe that it does take time to change all parts of one's identity. So when you are travelling down this road note that it does take time for some entities to caught up.

I just posted an entry on my Wordpress blog and gave note that the survey was for US residence and that non residence should contact the site asking for inclusion. Also sent a link to my therapist so she has the option to provide it to her clients.

Hopefully those who receive your email messages will have them consider those outside the USA.

Just took a survey at www.ustranssurvey.org which I think everyone here should consider. Many of the questions ask about bad things that have happened to you now and in the past. The survey takes about 15-20 minutes of your time and believe it's well worth the effort. I am sure this will help others.

Good to see you have reconsidered

Unfortunately disappointment in transitioning is part of the journey, no beating around the proverbial bush, I had so many but rather than stay mad at the world I got over it and made me stronger rather than weaker and be in despair. One must push through this, learn from it and move on. In regards to over weight, you know, not everyone can be in their perfect weight range and those whom are telling you this need to realize this and be respective to you in that you might be one that is hard to lose weight while you need to make an effort and prove to them you are making an effort. I so hope that you will move forward no matter the obstacles put in your path.

Great photos, great to see you smiling.

One slap coming up once on my road trip In regards to a "go bag" or "bug out bag", I keep one at work with focus on CERT where I am part of the core team in Salem Oregon and also an instructor. Off in left field, when I went for instructor training most had more expertise then me and had been EMT professionals. At first I was surprised that 90 percent of them smoked then figured it out. Back on track, have another "go bag" in my car trunk. The first one indeed has a firearm while the second does not. The last one at home has an AR and 22 rifle sitting there next to the bag. Okay, this might be a slap on the back of the head thingie, some might wonder, why two rifles at opposite ends of the caliber spectrum. If I was being attacked by intruders during civil unrest more likely than not it will be a pack of scumbags. If you shot with the AR they split apart but if yeah shot one or two with the 22 they are more likely to come to the rescue of the one's shot. While doing so I change up to the AR (or my bear rifle) and that is all she wrote. I don't advocate ever senselessly shooting another human unless my life was dependent on it. Lastly, I am in a group that we all meet in the country and are well prepared to fend off intruders and live comfortably as one can in the woods for extended periods of time. We have two brothers who are Marine sharpshooters for the outer borders

Thinking in line with my last post on "use it or lose it" I thought it was appropriate to tell you about a viberator that in my honest opinion is a must have. I know several woman that is a viberator and most have the larger ones for penetration while one woman I know uses one that is for clitorial stimulation. I have been using a medium size penis shaped viberator that is average length of a penis and decent girth. It does the job but takes a while to climax. It can be used with or without lubricant but two months ago I needed lube. So with me being constantly aroused last night and today I needed something better. When I say constantly aroused I mean in the car driving to the store, in the store also. The cause was how my underwear was rubbing up against my sensitive area. So I am looking at the various mini-viberators, they start out at $29, then to $39 then finally $59. The sales lady asked if I wanted any of them opened so I could inspect them which I did. Then I was just about ready to purchase the $39 one she said there is one more and it's very popular, the Tango. She said it is rechargeable via a USB cable, has eight settings and if you hold the on/off button to turn it off it will remember the last setting used so one does not have to cycle through the settings. I went and did some grocery shopping, came home and setup the Tango to charge which in the manual says 90 minutes but was finished in 30 minutes. So now I get undressed thinking this could be great or a let down. Played with a few settings and hit on one that does heavy vibrating, stops for a split second, does a different vibrate then back to the start again. Didn't know it at the time but when I found the "right spot" guessing in five minutes my toes were curling, spasming to the point I was going to pull it off but decide I am hooked and this is so much better than it's big brother, the penis shaped dildo. Let me say this, I can easily do without being penetrated by a penis with this lovely and incredible viberator. Yes skin touching skin is best but there are times when I am alone and horny and not wanting to get dressed, depend on the other person in the mood etc. The viberator is well constructed, just the right size and oh my God, the tip is flat on one side and goes to a point and I can not describe in words what the shape does for me but gives me a extraordinary orgasm bar none. Only down side is the price is $89 but it's worth every single penny. Check it out even if you are not interested in purchasing one to see what it looks like. I will say the site is boring yet that's fine when the product is fan-f**king great. http://we-vibe.com/tango

You hear about men and woman as they grow old have less desire for making love or masterbastion, one day it's all we can think about then it's gone for the most part. Then there are others who never go down this path. Nothing wrong to be in either camp. When still a male I was pretty much a sexual creature until around 2007 where I was repulsed using my penis. I became asexual, would masterbate while tucked, never looking down. It was not easy to come to orgasm with everything tucked away but after ten to twenty minutes was done and very satisfied. I did this once a week where before 2007 I was having sex several times a week, I think more than anything else was more interested in how hormones were affecting me as I heard that in some cases the sex drive goes away or is less than prior to hormones. After GRS I have been with several partners but other than one man and two woman not much there is regards to orgasm. I heard that it takes six to eight months to be able to obtain orgasm which is my current time frame. Last night I got simulating thoughts going through my brain, ended up very excited for roughly an hour until it was to the point I felt like I need a partner which I called on one and was great. This morning I was thinking about last night and ended up pleasuring myself and before I knew it two hours had passed and had to forcefully stop myself. Took a shower and got onto the computer. As I am writing this paragraph the tingling is there again but must refrain because I have an appointment for hair coloring in another hour. Okay, with all the above out, there have been times between January and now that I could not get aroused and thought I was getting to be one of those who lost it from not using it enough, using it, by that I mean the brain not what is below the belt. I get so busy sometimes that I ignore my sexual desires and that is not wise so now I am not going to let this happen anymore. Hopefully for those who will be transitioning via surgery both before and after surgery will not let your sex appetite be lost.

Veronica, I don't teach Tomahawks but have skill with them and funny that you asked because I keep a firearm, flashlight and Tomahawk next to my bed for protection. Check out the model I have here. I hear yea about breaking nails which is why I get shellac nail polish which is super strong, never in one and a half years as a nail broke. Had to forgo shellac for GRS and no less then four nails broke in one week.

When I hit the age of 30 years old I went from a night person who was totally into playing in a rock band playing in clubs or jamming with various musicians and getting up late to going to bed early and getting up when others were falling asleep. I then get up and be on the computer figuring out complex problems or putting on headphones creating music. The family sleeping soundly and me doing this dressed gave me the little peace of mind I needed to keep sanity in the male body. I was afforded this luxury because I created a (hate to say it) man cave or should I say woman cave??? The majority of people in my position at that time in my life most likely did not have the luxury to dress and be free of worries of being caught so I am grateful for that. This morning I got up at my usual time, 2AM (yeah that's right), go pee, get on the computer, check out what is transpiring on the developer's forums at Microsoft where I am a moderator. After scanning a few of the forums make coffee, sat back down in my boyshorts and tank top, check out Facebook and today note who is going to a pride event that I am going too. All the while the television is on with Led Zeppelin's Song remains the same. I then check out what's going on here then will shortly visit an exclusive web site cult (in a good way) devoted to like minded people that centers around edge weapons. I could take volumes about this place but will refrain but if you love all things shape it's a haven. By 3:30AM I will be ready to dilate, this morning watch a show recorded called "Edge of Alaska" which I really like, by 5AM more coffee and breakfast then take a drive to see about parking at the pride event, back home by 6:30AM, take a morning walk, take a nap, heck look what I have done and the sun has barely risen. Oh, I forgot to mention answering email messages from friends or Skype with one or two friends that are kind of similar to me or are in totally different time zones. You don't need to get up like me but do challenge those reading this to get up and do stuff in the morning.

I agree with Monica on the reply about sex drive. Three years ago compare to today my sex drive has totally changed. For years an erect penis was validation and now it's an entire body "event". Thinking of BAD SELF (hey Veronica), oh if I could describe my bad-self since say two months after GRS what stories I might tell, perhaps nasty girl is a more suitable description for me. There are times when I don;t think about sex for days on end then there are days that the train stop for my body event with a man or woman that usually last much, much longer than in my old physical self, a man (yuk). Christie, I believe going in to this will bring much joy and revelations. Some one notable once said (not the exact words) something like, each day we are born again, make the most of it. I do so, especially that I missed out on so much as a female I embrace it all and hope you will too, take nothing for granted.

Congratulations on the true start of your journey, the real life test and not so much the hormones. Hormones are easy, pop a few pills, an injection or a shot that if one forgets one day is not a big deal. But with the real life test we don’t forget but make a conscious decision to not dress for an event or a day. One when makes the decision not to dress in the opposite gender that says “I am hesitant”, “is this really what I want”. When I first started my real life test I had to deal with many things that would had been easier to not dress as female and very true when teaching self-defense classes but I persevered and this is what you and others need to do, be the female you are inside, outside, no excuses. I do wish you the very best in your journey to bringing the internal female to the physical world.

For a while now I have been wanting to get involved in the LGBT community teaching practical self-defense and if there is an audience to teach advance self-defense. With that said if anyone is aware of groups or events for 2016 that I can contact or they can contact me please let me know be in East or West Coast. I have a strong background teaching practical empty-hand and impact tactics along with firearms if the need is there I can even combine class and get into walking cane and baton tactics also.

We all know that people should be over two people with different skin pigmentation being together but sadly it's still an issue to many, best to ignore those who think that way altogether.

I can not fathom what you are going through to the level of anguish you are at now and do feel for you. I hope that somehow you can eventually climb out of this dark place you are currently in. What I will say is if things don't work out in September do not give up. You need to expand your horizons past your current physical environment (I have said that before) and consider a move to someplace that will be more open to your need to have breast removal. Next up, and this is extreme, if there is so much pain binding your breast consider not binding them, yeah it's probably unthinkable yet if the physical pain is so unbearable it might be worth trying, NOTE: I did not rate or score this blog entry for a reason, how can I "like" what you are going through? If there was "I feel sympathy for you" button I would click it. Does that make sense?

In my elementary school days there was a bully who would tease me, "hey sissy" or "hey little girl" to no end. When one day a new boy came to class and while walking home the bully started on me and the new boy intervened by knocking the bully on his butt. I remained really good friends with the new kid until several years after high school then reconnected with him on Facebook several years ago. I started counting down the days to GRS but would only post on Facebook that I was heading to California for surgery. He asked (on Facebook) what I was going in for? I said (get this) nothing major and left it at that. I forget when but I changed my name and gender on Facebook say in February. Did not hear a peep from him in regards to direct communications. Yesterday he posted a video about a senior citizen shooting at a criminal and I responded. He then said, "How is Kevin doing?" I said he is decease then he asked when. So I told him Kevin died and Karen was born. He could not believe it and thought I may have hijacked Kevin's account so he asked me three questions that I should know from 40 years ago, answered them and he was then convinced. He said I should call sometime to caught up on things and I told him I will be there in the Spring. So while this is going on another friend of mine (and his) must had missed out on my transition because he went through my photos and "liked" one of them. Any ways I find it interesting that these two friends did not caught on and I even wrote a post on my gender change, In regards to the picture, this is how he sees me and is me at a local shooting range I believe back in 2007 doing my Clint type of look, bad ass. For the record there is a full size 1911 pistol on my hip and a revolver in my left front pocket in a pocket holster and a pistol on my right ankle. Okay, I hear your wheels churning in your heads so a little explanation is in order for newcomers. I did executive protection for 10 years, was on call for this, worked with local PD and taught self-defense for 13 years. Have been at both ends of the muzzle of a firearm and survived but can not say that for the bad guys. I tend not to discuss this too much as this is one thing I lost when I transitioned and hope someday to regain at least the teaching part. This was a hot day, had body armour under my shirt.