LovelyLisa

Emma, I have not logged in for awhile until today and was surprised by your post. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Yet at the same the love that you and wife showed each other is unparalleled. Just amazing! Be safe and well on your new journey. I am happy for you! <3 Lisa

Thank you Emma! I am so excited and happy. Yes, Merry Christmas to me. This has been quite a journey for me.

Update - 12/6/2016 To say that a lot has happened since I last posted is an understatement. I will post more later. I am currently recovering from FFS surgery on Dec 2nd. I had a brow reduction & lift. Upper eyelid surgery, rhinoplasty, fat transfer to the cheeks. Chin reduction and shaping and tracheal shave. Tomorrow I have an appointment to hopefully take some of the stitches out and splint on my nose.. I have been off from work since Dec 1st and will be returning to work as Lisa on Dec 19th. I changed my name with the court and my name and gender marker on my SS card. In a few days, I will be going to the DMV and later the passport office to change my name and gender marker there as well.

My FFS surgery is scheduled for 12/2. My full-time date at work is 12/19. I am still part-time, but dress almost all of the time, except work. I have been on HRT for almost 17 months and filling in nicely. My name change order came through. I was going to change my license but have been sick the last few days. With work, I haven't gotten to it. But that is next as well as my SS Card. Then my passport. More disclosures. What I am finding is that everyone is accepting at first, but after the shock wears off, not everyone is. So I am plowing ahead past my surgery and full-time date. It's like I am racing before anyone tries to get in my way or gives me a lot of grief over it. So a lot of people know ... but there are many more who I still want to tell. This is such an emotional thing for me. That it is hard to be objective about it. I am finding that the closest of family members and friends are the ones who have the hardest time dealing with it. I have been working with HR to update the policy and come up with a communications plan to the company and customers. Not everyone knows yet, just management, task leads and HR. But everyone will find out in November. I have support group tomorrow and I am trying to organize my thoughts. So much has happened these last two months. Love to all, --Lisa

A lot has happened since I last posted. On Friday, I set my full-time date with HR ... 12/19/2016. No significance to the date. It's just a good time to ease into my new routine, because there will be a lot of down-time in the office.. I have decided on my name, but will not disclose my new full name here until I am near my FT date. Lisa will (continue to) be my first name. I've had it for over 25 years and am used to it. - I met with my VP who was really shocked, but supportive. There will be more follow-up with him and HR. I told him, that from a personal perspective the decision was not taken lightly and that to get to a decision was gut-wrenching. He said that he couldn't imagine anyone going through this unless it was absolutely necessary. - I met with my project lead and a couple of coworkers. My project lead was so happy and excited for me and just glad that I wasn't leaving because he relies on me. The two coworkers I told, I was a little worried about, but those meetings went well. I have been giving people that I disclose to the option of seeing pictures of me. I had some prints made at Walgreens to show people if they are ready for it. Once people see me as Lisa ... they totally get it. I am excited and am very ready for this. I just hope that with me finally being open and honest with others that it will encourage more people to come out. My hope is that I can increase awareness and visibility by my presence in the workplace. I did talk with HR and there are some people in the office who do not know someone who is transgender and I will be the first in the company. So it will be interesting, I'm sure. And speaking of visibility, I fully intend on looking fabulous. I am sure that some worlds will be "rocked". Hopefully, not too many heads will explode. But if they do, I will deal with it like I always have, with grace, love and kindness. <3

Thank you all so much!! I will be posting more. It's been a lot to tackle. I knew that July would be extremely stressful and emotionally challenging for me. But I feel so much better and finally free to be me!

Talked to the HR Director at HQ today (finally) and disclosed that I plan to transition within 6 months. I had typed up a long letter to give to her or read (it was the easiest letter to write ...). But instead of reading it, I decided that she and I would benefit more from a two-way conversation. It went really well. It turned out that a close friend of hers and her family just went full-time (MTF), so she was really, really excited for me, which surprised me. LOL. Anyways, I wanted to feel her out and see if she wanted to drive this or if I could. Basically she told me to do what I thought was right for me. Which was really great. So, I have a meeting scheduled with one of the project leads and am meeting with my VP this week after that. I have a follow-up with her tentatively planned for Tuesday to talk detailed timelines at which point we will approach the president. I am really excited about this. Hell, I was excited before the call. It was LONG overdue. So, I know that this is going to "rock" some worlds. But anyone who has known me for a long time, I am pretty fearless when I commit to a decision. So it will be interesting how this will affect the dynamics of the office and my primary customer. It should be interesting and a great learning experience for me. And honestly, I see a much, much better life for myself, better relationships due to do me being able to be fully open with others and being true to myself. I will be able to connect at a much deeper level, more than I ever have my entire life. Also, I won't be wasting my life anymore trying to be someone else. Or by meeting someone else's expectations. I am truly free of the burdens, bonds and boundaries that I have placed around myself. It really is a "good thing". :-) So, my wife's family now knows. And they have been super kind to me, which has caught me off guard and totally by surprise, because my wife and I are not staying together. There are more people that I need to tell over the next couple of weeks, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am testing my wings. They are strong and they are beautiful. This is going to be an awesome ride!!

Just an update I haven't been on here much. I have been really busy, active. Making steady progress. But I had something that happened to me last night which stopped me cold. I had a guy who I was friends with, who I have chatted with for months, just dump me and cut me out of his life. Being trans*, I have experienced a lot of this over many years. But recently, things had been going really well. So this blindsided me a bit. Anyways, I cried today. I will be okay. It will take some time to get over this. This wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last. I've experienced tons of rejection. And honestly, I am used to it. Even though things have gotten so much better in the last 5 years or so regarding others accepting me, particularly these last few weeks (which is awesome), it still just wears me down. Makes me tired. For some reason, I don't know why, it makes me either work harder or just back away from things. I don't allow others to validate me a person or a woman. But it still hurts when it happens, especially when we develop relationships with others and they for whatever reason back away. I hope that everyone has an awesome day today. --Lisa

Monica, Thank you! I have been trying to get my wife to go to counseling or support groups for families and spouses and she has thus far resisted. I think you are right about being drawn to my "feminine energy". It's interesting, but several ex-girlfriends have said that breaking up with me was their biggest regret. I think many love my sensitive side but sexually need a man, so it just doesn't work out.

Emma, It is good to see that things are going well for you. Life is good, even though at times the experience of coming to terms with our gender and transition are daunting and unsatisfying at times. Life is good when we don't put pressure on ourselves to either conform or to transition. It's wonderful that you are getting out, meeting new friends. Support of a good friend or set of friends is so important. Please feel free to contact me at anytime. --Lisa

Veronica, thank you for those kind words and your support. I don't want anyone to cry, though. :-) I have never loved someone so much that I am willing to let her go and be happy. At times it is upsetting and heartbreaking for me because she has been everything to me. At the same time, I have grown being married to her and in my walk with the Lord. Love is and should be unconditional. Otherwise it is not really love. And I love her unconditionally. I really do hope she finds a wonderful guy. And I am hopeful that my children handle it well. Both my transition and the new guy. Whomever that is or will be.

Hang in there hun! Maybe you could talk with them about this oversight?

"My Love, My Life" were the words I had inscribed inside my wife's wedding band. I really meant it. She was and is everything to me. I love her so much. A few weeks ago, my wife told me she did not want to be with me anymore. She explained that she is not a lesbian. That she tried, but needs to be with a man and wants to start dating. I knew that she was struggling with my transition and our relationship. Many times in the past, she has said that if I transition, that she would not stay with me. Last year she had a change of heart, yet our relationship has changed. We are still loving with each other. She is my best friend. Yet she is not attracted to be anymore. We haven't had sex in 2.5 years. There are a lot of couples that stop having sex. But obviously this was something my wife needs. She started to cry. I felt so bad for her. I was so sweet with her, I hugged her and told her that it was okay. I told her that I loved her, totally understood why she felt that way and supported her. That she was brave for saying what she said and that I am proud of her. I smiled and showed her so much love, the kind of unconditional love that I promised to give her when I married her. She is really an awesome person and woman. I am so fortunate to have had her in my life and shared so much of my life with her (the last 18 years). I've told her many times, that our marriage was "it" for me. I never want to be married to anyone else. But, there are no guarantees in life. She needs more than what I have to give. And honestly, we have grown apart. I am not the best and smartest spouse in the world. But I am the most kind and loving that she will ever meet. That does count for a lot and is very important. But that is not enough in our marriage. My attraction to her is still really strong and I told her that, not to make her feel bad but to let her know that I still find her desirable. Last week, she suggested that I start dating guys. I have never been with or dated a man before. Mostly because I have not been physically attracted to guys and much more attracted to females, my wife specifically. It was a strange conversation. I don't know where it was coming from. Honestly, these next two or three months, I have a lot of things I am trying to tackle and dating is not in my forethought. But realistically, that is what I face in my future. Finding someone else who wants to share their life with me. Being a transwoman, this may be a difficult task. But I am not stressed out about it, because I have a lot of really awesome new friends that I can rely on who are very special and dear to me. I am very thankful for them and everyone who has stuck by me through all of this, especially my wonderful wife who I love and respect dearly. It is so important to find love and happiness in life. I hope that all of us find what we seek. Love and Blessings to All on this Special Day!! --Lisa

Emma, Glad to be back. I have been so crazy busy these last two months. It's nuts!

It has been quite awhile since I have updated. A lot has happened over the last two months. Recently I attended the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, VA which is less than a 2 hour drive for me. I only attended the conference Friday and Saturday, had a wonderful time, a bit tired but learned a lot. My primary reason for attending was to meet with several surgeons and get consultations for FFS. I also wanted to attend the sessions, meet others. Before I arrived to the conference, I did try to get on the schedules of surgeons for consultations so that I can get estimates and potentially schedule surgery. So I only had two consultations with Dr. Rumer and Dr. Leis. They are local to the Philly area so they are very accessible for me. I was please with both doctors. I also attended their informational sessions at the conference. I showed them a pencil drawing that I did of myself when I was 17 years old (I posted it here for reference), just to show them how my face has changed over the years. Specifically, there is a bump on my nose, the distance between nose and upper lip is a little longer. My jawline more pronounced. But what has changed the most is my brow. It is very pronounced. Given the changes to my face, I still wouldn't change much, but the brow and pronounced trachea I really need to address. I received an estimate from Leis for the brow reduction, lift, scalp advancement, rhinoplasty, lip lift and tracheal shave. I am getting an estimate from Dr. Rumer for the same, but she suggested fat injections in the cheeks. I am waiting to receive an estimate from her via email. I was really excited about it, because I feel like I am taking the first concrete steps towards my goal of working full-time as a woman. I also talked with James Walker out of Buffalo, NY who does full beard clearances. I have had 4 full face and neck laser treatments and 37 hours of electrolysis over the last 11 - 12 months. But it is not progressing fast enough and I would like to accelerate it. I am hoping to get on his schedule the first week of April. He travels and will be in Harrisburg, then. I will be posting more soon. A lot has happened in my life. Love and Sunshine, Lisa