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LovelyLisa

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Blog Entries posted by LovelyLisa

  1. LovelyLisa
    I had blood work done on Wednesday to make sure that my potassium levels were not too high on the Spiro. Those tests came out normal, which was good. I am hoping that means that I will get a prescription for Estrogen at my followup appt on May 13.

    I had a one hour electrolysis appointment on Thurs. It went really well. The electrologist flew and was able to clear a significant amount of hairs around my lips and chin.

    My blood pressure is normal, I still have bouts of anxiety so I need to start to take something for that soon.

    I had long conversations with my wife, mom and sister this week. My mom is having a hard time understanding why I need to do this. It certainly was not my first option, lol! The way I described it to my mom is that I had developed ways to cope with my male gender over the years. This included repressing a lot of things. Once I stop repressing memories and feelings, and the repression was stripped away, I could no longer cope. Everything that I had tried in the past which used to work, does not work anymore. I told my mom not to worry about me, that I have really good survival instincts.

    I am under no illusion about how tough this road is that I will travel. Yet, I will not let people treat me poorly or be disrespectful. Changing gender is taboo and challenges cultural norms. But, really, when you think about it, why is changing one's gender such a big deal? It is a personal choice that impacts no one, except those who are sensitive and/or judgmental. But there is nothing that can be done about this.

    I hope everyone has had a good week. Be happy, be well and be safe!!

    Love, Lisa
  2. LovelyLisa

    Update

    By LovelyLisa,

    This past week was interesting. I just started an upped dosage of Spiro today. It seems to be agreeing well with me. No side affects and it seemed to calm me.

    I went to a service on Saturday. On my way home, much like I usually do, I'll stop in Target, etc. to get food, wine, whatever. I was a bit overdressed but looked presentable and classy. Anyways I had someone say to me, "hey beautiful" and I, being a bit flustered said "Thank you". I am always polite, but I was a little mad at myself. If he had told me that I looked nice or beautiful, I would have been okay. But "hey beautiful" just seemed derogatory towards women. I've had guys say so many things to me before, I am surprised I was surprised. I think that my mind was in a different place due to the service. It was beautiful, but I felt bad after the service.

    This week at work, I found out three people are leaving. One was fired after he gave his two weeks. So, I am picking up the pieces. I thought that my head would explode on Monday.

    I have a touch up laser and electrolysis this Thursday. Nothing next week, but then a baseline blood test the week after that. Hopefully I can get on estrogen sooner than later. We'll see. It won't happen for at least another 4 weeks though. But I've been waiting for 38 years to live as myself. What's a couple more months or years.

    Oh and there is one more thing. Anxiety is creeping back. My ability to cope was gone after all of the repression was stripped away. I though that may be that was in my past but I will need something.

    Hopefully, everyone's week is going well so far. Tomorrow is humpday!!

    Love, Lisa
  3. LovelyLisa

    Update

    By LovelyLisa,

    Happy Friday everyone. I hope that all of you had a good week.

    I am finishing up the first week on Spironolactone. So far I haven't really noticed much. I feel better, but I don't think it is because of the medication, it is more about starting HRT.

    I had electrolysis and "touch up" laser. I think that I doubled the pain with that approach. I'm going to try to do both again in two weeks. But if it is too much, I'll schedule separate appointments.

    The electrolysis wasn't too bad. She mostly worked around by mouth and chin. She did say that my complexion is really good but the hairs go really deep. Hopefully that does not mean I have to do a million treatments and I can get away with only doing 4 or 5.

    Other than that, we had a couple people leave work for better opportunities.

    My kids figured out I was the Easter bunny today. My daughter figured out I was the tooth fairy today as well and was really upset. So I was "outted". Lol! They still think Santa is real, though.

    --Lisa
  4. LovelyLisa
    I decided to start crafting a coming out letter. It has been a long time coming. I've read a lot about coming out to friends, family, children, coworkers, etc. Each is a unique audience. I wrote this first letter primarily to read to my pastor. If you could review and provide comments I would appreciate it. The one thing that I did not do in the letter, that so many other letters attempt to do is explain gender dysphoria or what transgender is or means. I consciously decided not to do that. First, if anyone has any questions I want them to approach me and ask. Second, what I've noticed in coming out letters, particularly ones that try to explain gender issues in a way that justifies transition, it is a slippery slope. In many letters, it is almost like the writer is giving the reader authority to weigh in or to disagree. So, I've tried to intentionally limit discussions of "Why" and "What I am". They can ask if they have questions and they can accept me. There is not a lot of middle ground here. Thank you for your help!

    "There is something that only very few friends and family know about me. Something that I have struggled with since I was a very young child. I have gender dysphoria. I have had therapy and attended support groups off and on for over the last 28 years or so to seek understanding and to cope with this. Over the last six months I have started attending therapy and support groups on a regular basis to gain support, knowledge and acceptance. Over the past month I have started to be treated medically based on the recommendation of my therapist and doctor.

    What does this mean? Over the next two to three years I will transition to living as a female. This will be an adjustment for everyone, particularly friends and loved ones who have always known me as Scott. There have been and will continue to be people who accept me unconditionally without any understanding. But I know there will be those who struggle with this, seeking some sort of logical argument or explanation prior to acceptance. I do not have a logical explanation for why I am this way or why I now feel that it is critical for me to live as a female after living as the gender that I was assigned at birth for 42 years.

    Why now? I have prayed about this since I was a child. I have asked for many things and made many promises to the Lord. I have asked the Lord to change me, to help me cope and to accept me. Each time I've prayed I have felt a love that is strong and accepting. I am female in mind and in spirit, but male biologically. There a many people in this world who face serious challenges. It just so happens that this is the life challenge that I was meant to face. I was made this way for a reason. I don't completely understand why yet or fully appreciate or comprehend. But I do know and have known for years that the Lord made me and he accepts me for who I am. What has been the most difficult for me is that even though I am accepted by Jesus, I have never fully accepted myself. Though I still do not fully accept myself, transitioning to living as female is a step towards this self acceptance. It is a very painful step for many involved, yet it is a necessary step for me to emerge from the shadows and to live an open, healthy life.

    I fully expect some anger, rejection directed towards me. No matter, I will always love those who have known me and supported me as Scott. However, for sanity sake I will step away and out of the lives of those who act out in destructive ways or are abusive. I will hope and pray that anyone who rejects me based on this will find the peace and joy that comes with acceptance. And my door will always be open to anyone who genuinely loves me and seeks understanding.

    One more thing, many transgender individuals who have gender dysphoria transition to their perceived gender or they commit suicide. My hope is that I can help others avoid this pain, isolation and rejection by setting a positive example and helping create an environment of acceptance and understanding. For people who are transgender, there is a lot of confusion mostly due to lack of support, misinformation and / or rejection by friends, family or society in general. In some way, I hope that I can help and "pay forward" much of the love and support that I have received over the years to others in need.

    In closing, if you have any questions about issues related to gender identity or gender dysphoria, please approach me and ask me those questions. I am looking forward to discussing as well as providing resources to those who genuinely seek understanding.

    Thank you for your love and support."
  5. LovelyLisa

    Hormones, Blockers

    By LovelyLisa,

    So, I had a follow-up appointment this week at Whitman-Walker. My blood tests came back normal, they received my recommendation letter from my therapist. I was prescribed T-blockers will get blood work again in three weeks and then if all goes well, start Estrogen two weeks after that (May 13th).

    So I have my script and I will pick it up tomorrow. I can't wait to get moving on this!

    All of the dark hairs did fall out two weeks after the laser. In the meantime, I don't need to wear so much makeup, which is awesome and makes me feel so much better.

    I had my therapy appointment. A lot of things happened this month that we covered. I am also going to start carrying recommendation and safety letters with me. Recommendation letters are for medical appointments, as needed. The safety letter if I get into a jam, particularly with law enforcement, for some other authority, should I need it (like getting pulled over).

    We also talked about coming out to my children, my pastor. After two years, my wife still hasn't seen me dressed. That is something I need to work on to set up a time with her to see me. I may just need to surprise her, but that is a last resort. I would rather not do that.

    I hope that everyone has had a good week. I love all of you!

    Lisa :)
  6. LovelyLisa
    Life is full of surprises. I have always considered myself a fairly self aware person, but I've been surprising myself lately.

    About three months ago, I told my wife that I thought that I would need to transition. Well, about two weeks ago at my appointment with my therapist, I reminded her of something that I had said at my very first appointment back in November which was wanting to develop new ways to cope with being trans but not having to transition. I was in "crisis" mode at the time, not sure what to do. I was unable to cope with being male, yet was hoping that I could develop other ways to cope. At this last appointment, I started to realize that I have been coping with this for 38 years. I've tried everything to cope and did very successfully for a number of years. But now that is not working.

    Later that weekend, I read, "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism". About 99% of it applied to me. It spoke to me in ways that helped me understand that I am fighting something that is who I am. So, here is the interesting thing. After I read that book, a flood of memories came back to me, about experiences I had repressed or long ago buried. This caused a flood of emotions over the last two weeks, making it even more difficult to cope. I noticed that dressing no longer helps. I need to transition to living as a female.

    That weekend, I told my mom and she had a lot of questions and concerns, but she supported me. I told my wife that I needed to get on hormones and start laser / electrolysis. She, understandably, is very upset. Not just by the transition and the change to me and our lives, but she knows that I've been struggling with this and that I've been doing everything that I can do and she is really worried about me.

    I made appointments to obtain hormones and laser. I had my first laser appointment on April 2 and a follow up appointment on the 23rd. My appointment to obtain hormones is on April 7th at Whitman-Walker. We will see how that goes. Another transwoman I know recommended them and she was able to get in and get on HRT quickly.

    I started letting my hair grow out, because I thought this would happen. We will see how that goes. I will need to take finasteride as well because my hair is thin on top.

    Anyways, it looks as though I am beginning a new journey. I will try to post more frequently with updates.

    I hope that everyone has had a good week and a Good Friday. Thank you for your feedback and continued support.

    Love and Blessings,
    --Lisa
  7. LovelyLisa
    On Tuesday, I went to my appointment to obtain hormones to start HRT at Whitman-Walker based on a recommendation from another trans friend. Thankfully, Whitman-Walker is located in Washington DC, not far from one of the offices where I work. WW provides specialized Transgender healthcare and also provide legal services, which is why I am so glad I live here. I dressed at work and went to my appointment as Lisa. It was my first time on the metro (which is a rail system primarily underground) as me and my first time at WW. But I thought that it was important for me to present as myself and I felt like I shouldn't be getting hormones and transitioning if I didn't do that. Also, they carefully screen everyone seeking hormones to make sure that they are a candidate. They require a letter from a therapist as well.

    Anyways, everything went well. It was a long appointment, about 2 hours. I filled out several forms before the appointment but they had more screening forms for me to fill out as well. The doctor asked me a lot of questions and said that I was a candidate and prescribed labwork that day. My followup were I get my results (and prescription, hopefully) is scheduled April 21, but I am going to see if I can have that moved up to the 16th to be coincident with my therapy appointment. All in all, the appointment went well, everyone was nice.

    I had laser on April 2, which went well. I have a followup appointment for electrolysis to address my gray hairs. She is also going to do a "touch up" laser treatment on the hairs that did not release. That appointment is on the 23rd.

    I am happy to get started. My future is uncertain. But at least I am on a path forward. I still have a lot of anxiety and my blood pressure is elevated, much higher than normal. I lost the ability to cope with this and it's been 3 weeks of feeling like this. I am going to talk to the doctor about some sort of anti-anxiety medication because it is starting to impact not just my well being but also my health.

    I have been getting a lot of support from several others asking if I wanted someone to come with me to my appointment, etc. It has been nice to know that there are others out there thinking about me. Everyone's support has been wonderful. I hope to pay it forward in the future.

    Needless to say, with my inability to cope with being a transwoman living a male life, I feel very vulnerable like I am walking on a tightrope with out a net. It feels daunting thinking about what I faced in the past and what I face looking forward. I often feel overwhelmed by anxiety. I hope, at least, I can find a medication to keep this at bay until I can cope again and / or transition.
    I hope that everyone has had a good week and thank you everyone for your support.

    Love, Lisa
  8. LovelyLisa
    I have been really feeling vulnerable and as a result emotional. I cried several times today.

    I've been having a two-fold problem in Facebook. One I have guys constantly wanting me to add them. And then guys messaging me for sex, sex cams, etc. It is ridiculous. Then I have had a few non-trans people make negative comments, either on Facebook or in person. I've been called a freak, man-in-a-dress, dude.

    It used to never bother me, but I think because I am close to transitioning, it is really bothering me. Also, I've read a lot of articles and I see how a few spoken words by someone prominent in the media can ruin many people's lives. Language can be a powerful thing and we all know that it is easier to tear someone down instead of building them up. An example was Pat Robertson telling his followers not to go to their sons or daughters same sex wedding. Who does something like that? Surely not a man of God. Yet, his followers will hear this as if it came from the heavens themselves. Can you imagine what kind of impact those words will have. I'll bet that hundreds if not thousands of people's lives will be negatively affected because it. It is horrible. And the same thing is true about non-trans folks and their name calling of trans folks. Freak, fag, dude, tranny ... even drag queen. I've been called all of those things (I don't mind drag queen as much though ... but I still correct people). But say that to a 15 year old who is thinking of coming out or transitioning. Think of how horrible that is. Or threats of violence towards trans people. This is the real world that we live in and the consequences.

    I digress. I've been feeling absolutely terrible to the point of tears because I feel totally wrong right now. And changing it is not going to be easy. Though all of you know that!

    I also want to mention that a dear friend of the community, Lauren Tenent passed away yesterday. She was the president of TGEA and had an extremely positive impact on everyone. I did not know Lauren very well because I just started engaging again in the community over the last couple of years. However, I remember talking with her back in July at a party for two hours, just getting to know her. She made everyone feel like they mattered and was a wonderful, loving person.

    Anyways, everyone have a good weekend. Take care.

    Love,
    Lisa
  9. LovelyLisa

    Update

    By LovelyLisa,

    Last weekend I visited my mom for four days in Ohio. I have been trying to visit her at least once a month or every other month since my father passed away. It had been over two months since my last visit, so it was somewhat overdue.

    During my last visit, I told her that I thought that I would need to transition. This last visit I told her that I am planning on taking hormones soon and hair removal. She was a little surprised, accepting but trying to understand why I was doing this. One of her first questions was, "are you sure that you really want to do this?" and "have you thought this through?". I told her that I've been thinking about it for my entire life. The other question she asked was "why now?". I told her that I've been coping with this since I was 4 years old, but a lot of the techniques that I use to cope are not working any more or not working well. She also asked me if it was possible that this has something to do with my dad dying, and I told her that it was possible, though I didn't start having a crisis until about 6 months after he passed away.

    Anyways, it was a good visit. She and my sister both support me. That helps so much! I still need to discuss this with my wife though. I really have not had a chance to talk since I returned home. I hope that I will get a chance today or tomorrow.

    I think that I am going to schedule my appointment this Monday for the endocrinologist and to start the laser removal. My therapist will send a letter to recommend me for hormones. I am fair skinned, have mostly black hair, so I should do okay. I'll have to get electrolysis to remove the remaining white hairs. I am hopeful that insurance will pay for the endo appointment and the blood tests.

    I hope that everyone has had a good week.
    Love,
    Lisa
  10. LovelyLisa

    Update

    By LovelyLisa,

    Hello,
    Sorry I haven't written in a awhile. I've been working a ton, sick some, and trying to enjoy myself as well.
    I had a situation at work that made me realize that I may not be able to transition at the current job that I have. My manager left the company and there is a little bit of a battle between her and the company which could get a little ugly. Anyways, I ended up being one of the pawns in the fight. Yet at the end of it, I was able to out-fox and out-manuever everyone much more senior than me (without getting into any details). Needless to say, I started to realize that, if I had already transitioned, I don't think I would have been able to do what I did. There are certain privileges that men enjoy. Women who excel, typically have to be so much better than their male counterparts, particularly in a technical environment. So, I will need to put myself in a position that I can do that. Also, I will need to "up-my-game" quite a bit. I am really good at what I do. But I will need to be better, almost perfect. I hate to put that kind of pressure on myself, but I seem to have really good survival instincts. And have a good sixth sense about where I am at.
    My therapy session last week was good. So much has happened in the last week is a blur that I've forgotten a lot of what we discussed. But, I'm doing better. Not in a rush to transition, but will make a decision soon. I have been giving it a lot of thought what I will need to do. Me being male is an act. Well so will being female. The voice, mannerisms, how I carry myself, etc. Society is so gender binary it drives me nuts.
    Well everyone have a good week! Hopefully this snow will break at some point.

    Love,
    --Lisa
  11. LovelyLisa

    This week 2015-01-26

    By LovelyLisa,

    Week of 2015-01-26
    So I thought I posted this, but did not. Don't know what happened.
    I did talk with my wife last week about having difficultly in not transitioning and being transgender and that I think that I need to transition. I told her that I talked to my therapist about and that she would recommend me, just based on the few sessions I had. She cried and reminded me that she wanted to be married to a man. I cried as well. She said that this would be so hard and how do you plan on doing this without creating tons of problems. And I said that I did not know. But I was planning on resigning from the church vestry if I did transition. And even though I know the church would support and accept me, that I would probably leave because I would not want to rip the church apart.

    Another question she asked was, "why now?" And I told her I did not know why, but that I think it has to do with me tying my identity to my career / job. My dad dying may have something else to do with it as well. I also told her that, if I did transition, it would not be for 2 to 3 years. I told her that she was all that I have ever wanted that I would continue to work and fight for this family through my transition. And continue to do whatever I had to, in order to support my family.

    I told her again that I've felt like this my whole life, since being 3 or 4 years old. That there are so many ways that we sin or behave badly, and that in most cases when we are young those things are put on us as youth. But this is the one of those things that society or family did not put on me... it was always there. I didn't know anything about being gender-variant until I was in 5th grade.

    The next day driving to work in the morning she called me, which she never does. She told me that no matter what I do, that I will support you. For me, that means the whole difference in the world. It is not a promise, because nothing in life is guaranteed. But what it means to me is that she will stand by me and support me through this if I decide to transition or not. Which will make the difference between those who are on the fence or will attack me based on this decision.

    --Lisa
  12. LovelyLisa

    Update

    By LovelyLisa,

    Ok. So the light bulb finally "went on" today at the second friday support group. A question was asked what was the event that indicated that you needed to transition. Well for me, that hasn't really happened yet (or maybe it has). But I mentioned a little bit about my history; that this was not put upon me by society, it has always been there since I remember. That initially I repressed it, but the last 15 years or so, I've wrapped my identity up in my career and family. It did not seem like I was repressing anything. When my business failed, when I stopped being so career oriented, that is when I started having a crisis with anxiety. And started going to therapy.

    So that was my answer. And after I spoke those words I realized how much I have f-cked myself up. When I was 6 years old and started to repress my feelings, that is when it started. I did whatever I could to fit in, act male, etc. Don't get me wrong. If I could have lived as a female, I would have been a tomboy who would have played sports with the boys and would not have played dolls with the girls. (don't get me wrong. I liked playing with the girls and socializing with them. Games, TV, reading, just not dolls). However, I would have been feminine, wearing dresses, long hair, etc. It seems like a dichotomy of existence. But think of a top female athlete who is extremely feminine but grew up learning their sport playing with the guys ... that would have been me. Anyways, I started to realize that I will need to unravel all of this social conditioning that society has put on me AND what I've put on myself. I have to unf-ck myself. If I don't do it correctly, I'll just be acting like a female, like I acted being a male. I don't want to pretend anymore. But the reality is, I don't know really what it is to be female, because I missed out on growing up female and pretending to be male.

    So, deep down, I knew all of this. What I did not know is that because society put this on me, I need to look back and understand how I got off track. Just quickly reflecting, it was when I was 6 years old. But what I need to understand is what is critical that I missed and how I can overcome that in a way that I can transition to living female and do it in a way that it is not an act. I've already made that mistake already. And quite possibly, I may make it again. In previous posts, I've always said that I thought that I was self-aware person and that this crisis really surprised me. Well, I feel like I'm starting to really figure this out. I just hope and pray that I can use this knowledge going forward.

    Anyways, any feed back will be appreciated. I hope everyone is doing well.

    I hope I have not put a lot on you!!

    Love,
    -Lisa
  13. LovelyLisa

    Gender Dysphoria

    By LovelyLisa,

    My gender dysphoria has been really bad again this week. I did outline roadmap for myself, still working on it. But I need to get started with hormones and hair removal.

    I don't know what else to do!

    -Lisa
  14. LovelyLisa

    Week of 2015-01-19

    By LovelyLisa,

    This week has been really tough focusing at work really busy with no outlet for me. I feel trapped and terrible. I've been drinking too much and not dealing with things well. Something has to change.

    Anyways. That has been my week in a nutshell. 100% doing things I don't want to do, yet I feel like I have no choice.

    I am planning on having a talk with my wife. But I have a feeling that it will not go particularly well. Usually she asks how I am doing and we talk about it. But not in the past week. So, I may need to approach her and talk about what I am thinking. The thing that stinks is we have tons of events this week and weekend that we have to go to. I am thinking that it would be better to talk about it next week. But maybe not. I don't know.

    I started to do more research on transition and the costs. The endo appointment - not bad, hormones, electrolysis ... not bad budget wise. However FFS is a different story. I am thinking that I need something, even if it is only a facelift and a brow shave. The other thing too is that I need to get my weight down to where it was about a year and a half ago around 160 lbs or maybe even 150. But being depressed has not helped. It's weird. Usually I am super motivated to look good in a dress and I do it. Not so over the last year or so. That will need to change as I transition. I am still in good shape and exercise regularly. I just need to address the eating.

    Anyways, I think that I will get there. Another girl told me that there are times that I will just need to "bulldoze my way ahead". I think that is where I am at. Need to get the bulldozer ready to roll!

    --Lisa
  15. LovelyLisa

    This week ...

    By LovelyLisa,

    Before my wife knew about me, she wondered if our son, who is was 4 years old, might be transgendered. I told her that I did not think so. For a variety of reasons. But lately my feelings on that have changed.

    Over the last few months, he has been immensely interested in girl dolls. Lately, Barbie and American Girl. When my wife was about to donate my daughter's Kit doll, my son, now 6 years, just about pitched a fit, so we let him have her. Anyways, American girl dolls have matching outfits for the girls as well as the books. This was the first thing that he asked for. Unfortunately, my wife had gotten rid of the clothes my daughter wore and the books.

    Two weeks ago, my son told me that he wished that he could wear the same clothes as Kit to school, that he felt like he was both a girl and a boy (bigendered), but he was afraid that he would be embarrassed. I did not say much other than to ask why. After that, he has been either asking for matching Kit clothes or a life-sized girl doll that he can dress with real girl clothes.

    This past Saturday my son wanted me to put up posters in his room. As we were up there, he reiterated his desire for a full-sized doll. Which is when I asked him the point blank question, "do you want to have a full sized doll so that you can wear the clothes as well". He said yes. I asked him what types of clothes he wanted to wear and he said dresses. He showed me the types of dresses and even mentioned a dress (in great detail) that he wanted from Target. Anyways, I could tell that he was embarrassed about it. I told him that there was nothing wrong with wearing girl clothes, wanting to wear girl clothes or to be a girl. That I loved him no matter what. He said "Thank you, Daddy" and gave me a hug. We talked for a few more minutes and then I went to talk with my wife, who talked with him.

    But I went downstairs and cried. In a way I was thankful that he could come and talk to me about it. But at the same time, I was hoping that he would not have the same struggles that I had and am having with gender.

    I talked with my wife later and told her that I think we need to let him express himself and that at some point, I need to let him know about me. She is worried about the struggle at school. Though they have a TG policy, just instituted this year at my son's school, it will be hard. Also, she is worried that he is not reading. I told her, this might be a reason. Anyways, I felt so bad for her. She has a husband who is thinking about transitioning and now a son that wants to be a girl at school. Though, she said that maybe me coming out to her two years ago and going through this was to prepare for what my son is going through. It's hard to say. But, I know this. I will fight like an angry momma bear for him. And so will his momma.

    --Lisa
  16. LovelyLisa

    Week of 1/12/2015

    By LovelyLisa,

    I'm going to post this this morning, because lately I haven't been getting to it on Sunday nights, like I try to.

    Week-of-2015-01-12

    Another busy week. I worked late Monday, then had to go to a church meeting then stayed up late to watch the National Championship (I went to Ohio State). Anyways, that "cooked" my goose well. I didn't recover until the following Saturday.

    I did go to my Therapy session but skipped MAGIC because I was too tired. It was funny, I literally was driving there and just decided to go home, because physically and mentally I was running on fumes.

    While at therapy this week, I talked about how I thought that I could control everything and fix everything. But have figured out over these last few years that is not the case. I may be able to fix "some" things, however I have no control over anything. And that is something that has taken me time to let go of. Prayer has helped me understand, that any feelings of control is not truly control and that there are only some things that I can fix. But once I let go of the need to fix everything and control everything, I started to realize that I need to look into transition. Being TG or even just dressing isn't something that can be controlled. Those are feelings that never go away or leave.
    Anyways, the therapy session felt really short. I elaborated on a lot, but the last 15 minutes of the meeting I started to get serious about focusing on what was needed to take the next steps. Like what happens next if I transition. I told her that if I transitioned, I would need hormones, electrolysis / laser and will have FFS, because I think that I need it. I asked for endocrinologist referrals. I think that my therapist was surprised by the whole discussion. When I came in for my first appointment I told her that I would take 3 to 6 months to make a decision and here it's been only two months. She said that she would recommend me for it, just based on the sessions that we've had so far. I told her though that I need to come up with and determine my own TS roadmap, before I proceed further. I mentioned the TSRoadmap website and that it has been there for years and she had never heard of it before and was glad that I told her. Last night, I started to go through everything in more detail on the TSRoadmap website. It did not have all the answers for me, however it had probably about 95% of them. I literally started to populate a project schedule with the things that I needed to do and events. I'm thinking at the earliest 44 years old and 45 years old being the latest. But it will take a lot of effort to get there. It's not a track meet by any stretch of the imagination. I was a little disappointed to find out that my health insurance excluded treatment for TG, even endo and hormones, unless "medically" necessary, whatever the hell that means. I'm going to call them (BCBS) in order to find out how that determination is made. Another thing that was disappointing was that Ohio, the state that I was born in, will not update sex on my birth certificate. However, I can get my gender marker updated in Virginia and on my passport, which are the key documents for employment, etc. As I learn more, I'll let people know. Sorry for the long blog posts!

    On a separate topic, one of the things that came up when I was talking with my mom was my dad and if this (me wanted to transition and being in a crisis) could be happening because of him dying. I told her that I did not know, but that it was possible. He knew that I had dressed and went to therapy when I was growing up. But I had often thought about telling him that I was transgendered (among other things) just so that he knew before he died. It wasn't at the top of my agenda, particularly during the last month of his life. At first when he died, it was a fleeting thought like, well I didn't talk to my dad about it, but it doesn't really matter because he is not around anymore. But now, particularly the last month or so I have felt otherwise. I miss him and the conversations that we had and his feedback (he hardly ever gave me advice). I think he would have been supportive of me, however I just don't know. But I wish that I did and to talk with him about it, because I have a feeling, he would have given me good advice. I feel so much like $hit sometimes about him not being around. It's still hard for me to fathom. I always think that he is a phone call away and fooled myself into thinking that he would make it and always would be. And then there are times that I would think that I don't need advice from my parents anymore. And after my parents stopped giving me advice, a funny thing happened. I yearned for their advice and acceptance. Anyways, I can't do anything about it. It makes me sad though.

    Thank you for listening and your support!
    Love,
    --Lisa
  17. LovelyLisa

    Week of 1/5/2015

    By LovelyLisa,

    ***I thought that I posted this earlier, but it did not come through (luckily I saved it!)

    Coming off of Christmas, I was really busy going back to work after being out for 2 weeks. Things are becoming more clear for me and I think that I am going to start exploring what needs to be done to transition so that I can go into it with my eyes wide open.

    On Friday I was supposed to have a therapy session but rescheduled, however I did go to the second friday support group. One of the topics was friendship and when sharing how my friendships have been affected by being trans, it became crystal clear for me. Though I've had periods early in life where I've made good lasting friendships, I have been unable to do that the last 25 years. It has been a challenge for me because I think people could tell that I was not being 100% open with them. It's not like it is anyone's business whether I am TG or not. However, most people can sense these things. And I think that I have been holding back somewhat because of what was going on with me. Plus, I've been leading a double life somewhat, friends on both sides, not being able to merge the lives and sets of friends. Unable to invest in strong, long-term relationships. I've been in a gray area. Limbo.

    Regarding the crystallizing moment, that's when I realized that I've been wasting a lot of energy on being two people. It has affected my relationships, it has affected work and my business because so much of my energy has gone towards this and not something else. It's been distracting, particularly these last few months. I think about being "me" constantly.

    Returning to work this week, the feelings of not being who I should be are still there. They have not gone away and never will. This isn't like quitting smoking, or drinking. This isn't a mind over matter thing.

    So anyways, at that support meeting I finally realized that I have to transition. It won't be for a while, because I want to get my affairs and finances in order. However, I realized that I have been wasting so much energy, time, etc. that it has affected all of my relationships in one way or another, that I have felt terrible at different points of my life (even though I should not have). Wasting time in repression, purging, depression that have taken away from everything else I could be in life.

    I started this blog for myself and to share based on a FB posting. I am glad that I did. I tend to keep things inside and tend not to share for a variety of reasons (mostly I am extremely introverted). Writing has helped me vent and to get it out. It's helped me think things through so that I can be confident about my decisions. But most importantly, I have received a lot of support from everyone who is reading. Thank you so much! Everyone who has contacted me to offer support and share, I really appreciate your support and your friendship. It has been so hard for me to get the support that I need, because I never took the time to reach out. I'm glad that I did and thank you. And if there is anyone reading these words who needs support and friendship, please do so. You can contact me or start a blog just like I have.

    I would also like to apologize to taking several days in some cases to get back. It usually not until the weekends that I get a chance to reflect on the week and have the time to write about it.

    Please have a good weekend and week. And thank you again!

    Love,

    Lisa
  18. LovelyLisa

    Week of 2014-12-29

    By LovelyLisa,

    Interesting week. My mom, who is still trying to get over my dad passing decided not to visit for Christmas. So I went to see her by myself without my family. I wanted to talk with her about me and let her know what was going on since I was unable to over Thanksgiving. Well I told her that I was Transgendered. We talked about how when I was younger she put me in therapy due to dressing. For me it was all crystal clear but I had to rehash through all of that with her because she had forgotten. She felt so bad for me and hugged me. She had no idea about the turmoil that was inside of me s just since I was young but said that she would support me whatever I decide to do. I told her that there was a real possiblity that I would transition and that though my wife supported me she would not stay with me.

    I sm just thankful she does. This Christmas has been interesting for me. I went into it with an open mind hoping that I could come out of it with a clear decision or sense of direction. Though I felt less like I needed to transition it is becoming clear to me that something needed to be done and that part way would not cut it.

    Anyways, I hope that everyone had a good holiday and are happy and healthy. I know I am better off and feeling better.

    Lisa

    Lisa
  19. LovelyLisa

    Week of 12/22/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    So, this has been an interesting week. I am taking off of work from 12/20 - 1/5, and planned on using the holidays to take a step back, focus on me and what is going on and gain more insight.

    During the week I had more of an internal struggle with myself. It was like my male side struggling with my female side. There were times that I felt guilty of who I was (which has not happened in awhile), guilty of what I am putting others through particularly my wife. Thinking about care. I had to set my FSA contribution limits. I ended up maxing it out. Yet I feel guilty for the financial cost of therapy and the potential cost of hormones, electrolysis, etc. and it's potential impact to my family, like I'm stealing from them or something. I need to get past this. I also need to resolve this. First it starts with me getting opportunities to express myself to feel comfortable. That's the other thing. I go from feeling like my skin is crawling because I am not who I should be to wanting to fight this ... and live with the status quo. The thing that is so strange and I told my therapist this is, when I was young, being a guy was an act. But over time I have socialized as a guy (not a girl) and have gotten good at it. So good, I am confident in my role, when many years before I was not. Part of this is leading people and companies (which I would continue to do as a woman, that wouldn't change!) but also in fathering my children. I will always be a father and I am so proud of that, that I will never turn my back as a role as their father. So, I need to figure out what that means to me and to them. My role as a husband has been lacking some, but it has more to do with our lives, how both my wife and I have let life and children be at a higher priority than our relationship. A big issue is me potentially transitioning and her seeing me not as a husband or spouse anymore and going through the motions. Anyways, I've seen this as a need or gap for years, but have taken a more passive approach to dealing with the needs of my wife. I need to take more of an active role in making our relationship better and cherish her for the person who she is and who I married. Even if she does not want to stay with me. And that's the other thing. I could decide not to transition at all, yet because of her view of me, may not want to stay anyways. There are so many unknowns and no guarantees in life unfortunately.

    I've also been thinking about my role as a woman. Even if I do not transition, there will always be a woman inside of me. Beyond the things on the surface that one identifies as being female, such as face, voice and how one carries themselves, I've been mostly focused on who I want to be. For example, I've noticed in a lot of women (not all), due to inflection of their voice, they sound as if they are asking a question instead of making a statement or a demand. For some reason, particularly in the business environment, it can be cute but annoying particularly when you want the other person to be clear and assertive. That is going to be hard for me. I think part of the time, I will have no problem in adapting to this if I transition to female. But there are other times, I know I will be a b-i-t-c-h that does not conform to that model. So, I'm learning about that and I'm sure that I will learn more as I go along.

    Also, I've always been a planner. One thing that I've learned is that you never go into something without knowing at least 80% of what will happen or the outcomes. And also an exit strategy and contingency planning. So that is what I will start doing now. Understanding the practical steps to a transition, focusing on what I would absolutely have to do. Then focus on the nice to have stuff. If I do that it will help me make this more concrete and help me understand what I need to do if I take that step.

    I'm just thankful for the support and patience of friends and family that know. If I had all of the answers this would be easy.

    Thank all of you for your love and support.

    Love,
    Lisa
  20. LovelyLisa

    Week of 12/15/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    Not really much going on with me. Over the two week period, I was extremely busy trying to get things ready for the holidays and finishing things up at work. I am very much on the fence about transitioning. The break is going to give me time to really think about it and pray about it. I've been thinking and dealing with this for a long time. It will not go away. What I fear is that if I don't transition or at least structure my life so that there are significant periods of time that I can express myself I will be miserable. BTW - if I live full-time, I have no intention of having bottom surgery (yet). It's more about expressing myself on a daily basis and validating and affirming who I am and being comfortable doing so. Anyways, it's tough. I sometimes feel like a caged animal. My therapist suggested ativan, but I told her that I need to feel like this. I can't keep putting bandaids on things anymore. Anyways, we'll see what happens. I have an appointment scheduled on the 9th of January and also planning on going to support group. I am also planning on going out on December 27th.

    Love to all and a happy holiday,
    --Lisa
  21. LovelyLisa

    Week of 12/8/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    There were a few things that stood out to me this week. First, on Tuesday around 5:30pm I descended into a anxious panic attack. It was after finding out that I would not be able to go to my support group. It made me question why I was alive. It was fleeting for just a few minutes, but impactful. I told my therapist and she was concerned. She thought that I may need medication, however I told her that I need to "feel" this. In the past, I've always tried to minimize my feelings about being transgendered or being in the wrong body. This has helped me avoid the problem and allowed me to create barriers to expressing myself. I did end up going to a 2nd Friday support group. It went well. I felt like I got more out of therapy and the support group the second time that I went. It was less about being the first time to working on stuff.

    I did go out between my therapy appointment and my support group. I was able to grab something to eat dressed.

    These days, I feel like I should be female more and more. And it is starting to feel like it is a matter of time for me. That in a few months I will start to transition in stealth and transition full-time in one to two years. Time will tell. However, I constantly feel weird not presenting female more and more.

    -Lisa
  22. LovelyLisa

    Week of 12/1/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    This was an interesting week. Feelings of being female kind of just came and went as the tides do. Anyways, this week was tough. I work in DC and take the metro every day and see some nicely dressed women going to work each day. And once a week, I will see at least one person who is trans* going to work, who dresses appropriately and looks really nice (seeing them makes me really proud to be trans and I am proud of them as well - btw!).

    I had a follow up app't with my therapist today that she had to reschedule. That is fine. I am not in as much of a crisis anymore, more of in a daze lately, just "dealing with being male" and thinking about being female. It is rescheduled for 12/12 at 2 pm. I may go out with friends after and perhaps to a support group.

    This week, I am headed out on Saturday to the Holiday Inn at 7pm. It should be fun. I don't know what to wear (it will probably be a dress), but it does not matter, I am just glad that I am going out. I have been overweight over the past year, but at least my weight has been stable. I do need to lose weight though, because I feel uncomfortable particularly in tight clothes or when I do endurance sports. Nothing like riding a bike up a 12% climb and wishing I was 150 - 160 lbs again. Anyways ...

    I hope that everyone has had a good week. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are, whoever that may be! I love you all and thank you for reading!

    Love, Lisa
  23. LovelyLisa
    11/17/2014

    So out of the last two months, Monday had to be the worst gender - identity day for me. It was a crisis. Very distracting at work. I was sick to my stomach all day. Did not sleep well. All and all, not a good day to be a guy for me.

    I did ride the metro in. I am a big people watcher, so looking at all of the girls dressed to go to work made me think that I should be them. So, for me (just to let you know) this is no fantasy. I am extremely realistic about what I will encounter the first time I would ever go to work as a woman. However, it is to the point that I just can't take it anymore. My skin was crawling.

    I called a therapist that another girl had used when she transitioned, but they did not get back to me.

    Score:
    Female 1
    Male 0

    11/18/2014

    Today went much better. I was not so obsessed about it being a guy as I was on Monday. However, the feelings definitely persisted. I am a fighter. I am sure that I will continue to fight this (mind over matter). However, today I had no fight left after yesterday.

    However, I had a more productive day at work. And that is really another reason why transition is something that has to be on-the-table for me. Because these last two months it has been so bad, I have been in a daze. And even when, I don't have gender-identity issues, guess what? I still have a part of my day where I think about dressing and presenting as female. If I transitioned to female, I might have a ton of regrets. But I know I wouldn't dream about dressing or being a guy. That for me, has been wasted effort and bandwidth all of these years. Not having to think about being a different gender (though I am still me after all!), would not be a weight off of my shoulders but at least I wouldn't think about it all of the time.

    However, I have been dressing for years. Can do makeup and get read pretty quick. But it still is a pain in the ass. The expectations for women and how they dress are so high. I can't stand it. Anyways, that's the tradeoff.

    The therapist that I called on Monday did get back to me. Turns out she had just closed her practice but referred me to two other therapists. I was hoping to maybe get in this week, because I will be out next week visiting my mom. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed. But it has been how many years. I am super patient!

    Score:
    Female 2
    Male 0

    --Lisa
  24. LovelyLisa

    11/29/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    11/29/2014

    I'm starting to wonder if I am not Trans Female rather bi-gendered. There are some mornings and I feel perfectly content getting up and being male. Other mornings, not so much. In general, I feel like I should have been born a girl, however, it is such a pain in the butt getting ready and presenting female. So, I don't know if my distain for getting ready is behind this or if I genuinely like being male some days, which would make me bi-gendered (though when I was 4 years old that was not the case). Anyways, this is all so confusing. Honestly, if I could comfortably live as a woman full-time, but occaisionally present as male or just dress in male clothes that might be a good stead-state for me. I don't know. We'll see.

    It is hard to know or to tell. I don't get as nervous about being a girl like I used to, however in a lot of ways I am just getting started. I will need to learn so many things and adapt in ways that I will not be comfortable with initially. If anything, I just need to remember to be myself. Once I stop doing that I will be right back where I started, in crisis-mode again.
  25. LovelyLisa

    11/27 - 11/28/2014

    By LovelyLisa,

    11/27/2014

    I was up late the night before talking to my sister more about what I've been going through these past two and a half months. She just listened, didn't ask many questions. Looking back I wonder if I kind of lost her in the conversation. But I let her know what I'm feeling inside, some of the things that I talked to the therapist about. And let her know that if I don't get on top of this, I will probably need to transition. I think she understands but did not know what to think. I'm sure that hearing this from her older brother is strange.

    We talked about one of the reasons why I have not transitioned, that it is tough to be a woman. They (we) are judged so much by how we look, weight and appropriateness of attire. Women are actually more verbally critical than men, though men do judge more quietly. Anyways, it is constantly feeling like one is or needs to be on display just to go to work, shop, etc. I plan over the next several months or so, trying to get out more, so that I can engage more socially will other non-tg's, get used to getting dressed and wearing appropriate clothes, etc. Just so I know how to handle myself with grace. I am going to need to learn how to do this regardless of what happens.

    11/28/2014

    We spent most of the day driving back from my mom's. It gave me a lot of time to think. I am thankful for so much, that I sometimes worry about any future decisions to transition. Mentally, I have to stop doing this so that I can give myself an honest assessment of where I am at and what I should do without imposing barriers. Remove the barriers and focus more on what I should do or need to do. At my support group, there was someone there that said, "sometimes you just need to be a bulldozer". I think that recognizes the fact that I will never come to terms with all of these mental barriers I impose on myself and I just need to plow ahead. Plow ahead to what is more my question right now.

    --Lisa
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