Blackangel

5 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

Jennifer, whatever you do, don't make contact!

I didn't plan on it. From what I hear, she's pretty much gone insane in the last few years. I also heard she has 3 kids and no clue who the father is. So apparently she sleeps around quite a bit. That's drama that I neither need nor want in my life. I have my own baggage to deal with, I don't want to be a bellhop for people I don't give half a rat's *** about.

The freaky thing is that she lives with her parents who only live about 2 miles from me. We're practically in the same neighborhood. I know this because I drive by their house all the time when I have to go out, and see her a lot, thought she thankfully doesn't seem to notice me. Taking that route is unavoidable unless I want to add extra miles. And with the price of gas, I can't afford that.

Still I just want to know why I'm thinking about her so much, and how to get her out of my head.

I don't want her. That's not the issue. The issue is her being in my head. I want to be free of her again, but she just stays in my head like gum in my hair. But peanut butter ain't gonna fix this one.

The sad fact of the matter is that a lot of people will start throwing around complaints like "police state" or "detention centers". I replied to a YouTube video last year, offering ideas about things that could be tried to protect our children, such as armed security and bulletproof glass. Apparently that means I was trying to imprison children the same as the Nazis did in WW2. I never knew that I was a Nazi. Without our children, there is not hope for the future of this country. Dust won't give you back the Colosseum.

New gun reform is more crucial today than ever. I'm a gun owner, and have a permit. I go to a shooting range and clean my guns regularly. I carry, only for the fact that I'm scared for my safety when I'm forced to go out. It's not a fashion statement. At least not one I would choose.

I look around, and I see people losing their minds whining about their "second amendment rights" when they haven't even read the second amendment. If they had, they would have known that it only applies to a militia that is needed to protect and defend the country. It doesn't give citizens the right to own thirty AR-15's and have your children each holding one for a picture to send as a xmas card. You can thank Lyin' Boebert for that one.

Despite being a gun owner, it should be a lot more difficult to obtain a firearm, and just as difficult to acquire the ammunition. The background checks should go deeper, and take more time to more thoroughly go through a persons background. If they farted on a ham sandwich when they were 6, that should be something they should know as that implies malicious behaviour from said 6 year old. (I was the 6 year old. Don't ask.)

But then again, put 20 monkeys in a room, they won't give you Shakespeare.

Like most everyone here, I didn’t “become” a woman. I just quit pretending to be a man. Mike didn’t “become” a man. He quit pretending to be a woman. I’m just scared that some of the things that are happening to us are on my head simply because I’m a transgender woman. I feel like those things are ruining Adrianne’s life because she’s with me. While I have to carry a diamond shield and armor, she doesn’t have any reason to need the same. If she was with a real man, her life would be immensely better. At least that’s what I think. She tells me I’m crazy when I say that, but the majority of the time, I think she’s just telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

Depression is a major bitch. I’m manic as hell, a lot more these days. My medication doesn’t seem to be working like it used to.

5 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

Jennifer, we all go through periods where we "hate" ourselves. Maybe a more accurate word is disappointment disillusionment . . .

It's OK to have these feelings briefly, but our health when we hate ourselves.

This, unfortunately, is  common in today's society, because we feel we have to earn love by productivity. That's not love - that's acceptance.

Jennifer, your Higher Power loves you for exactly what you're are at every phase of your life.

Yours in Sisterhood,

 

Monica

And when you feel like this literally 95%-100% of the time, what then? That other 5% is just completely zoned out zombie, or when I'm asleep. I don't dream except for once per year. But I hate that dream.

I'm not here to make excuses for anyone, but some of the younger ones involved in this may not be entirely at fault. When hate is all you're taught, it's all that you know. Bigotry is taught, not instinctual. My favorite band Disturbed actually recorded a song about hate and bigotry on their seventh album Immortalized. I picked a fan made video instead of the official audio video, because it has the lyrics up on the screen for you to read as you listen to the song. There's no vulgar language in the song, which is why I'm posing the video instead of just mentioning it.

I think we can all take something from this story.

There's something i have said for a long time about being trans when someone asks about it. I tell them to "imagine that tomorrow you wake up in the body of the opposite sex, but absolutely nothing else about you has changed. Wouldn't you desperately want to get back into the correct body? Now imagine feeling that every day of your entire life."

Whether you use it in a calm friendly way, or an angry hostile way, it always gives people something to think on. And usually they begin to understand more than they had thought of.

I'm just glad you have an open minded family, as not all of us are so lucky.

Sometimes it takes a lifetime to achieve. And even then, sometimes it's just barely out of reach. But if a person is lucky, they have people in their life who are willing to lift them up so that they can get just a little bit closer, so they can at least graze it with their fingertips.

Religion is a major factor in this. Almost every religion on earth, all that have come and gone and all that are still here, have placed men above women. It is/was the men that matter, whereas women were sold to the highest bidder and the spoils of war. Women were often married off by their fathers in a bid to elevate the status of the family. She had no say in the matter. Let's not forget a dowry. The groom-to-be had to pay the father for the girl. I have looked for a valid reason to satisfy my own curiosity, but every path I have gone down has led straight back to religion. Personally I think religion is a disease that people refuse to move away from. Have your beliefs, worship your god, but try to stay away from claiming any titles unless it is culturally significant. Jews are one example.

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@ScottishDeeDee
"I may seek approval and acceptance by women, but I know that while I want that, I would settle for polite tolerance by men."

Why would you do that to yourself? You should never settle to make someone else happy. Screw them. Your mission in life is not to make them happy. It is to make you happy. It is to protect your children and make sure they grow up happy and healthy. We both know men are not that special. Stupid, willfully ignorant, and a-holes, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT. But that doesn't mean you have to bow to their will. It's those reasons and many more that make me hate men. That may sound weird coming from a transgender woman who was AMAB. But it may also make sense to some.

What I'm trying to say, is that if you have to settle in any situation, then the person isn't worthy of you. Kick them to the curb, and only associate with those who are worthy to be in your presence. I know that sounds narcissistic, but it's not meant that way. The only time I can see settling is at work or in the military, where you have those with a higher position of power or a higher rank. Then you have no real choice.

When it comes to race, my maternal grandfather had a "kill em all" attitude. He was born in 1923 and was the most harsh racist I have ever seen. Picture that on an impressionable child.

When i started school at 4, I had never heard the word "black" once in my life. It was as if it was a word from a language that no one in my family spoke. This was when kindergarten was still half days for the kids. The teacher was teaching us about colors one day. She would hold up a crayon, and ask a random student to name the color. When she got to me she held up a black crayon and asked me to identify the color. I said it was N-word. She was appalled. She grabbed me by the collar and took me straight to the principals office. By this time I was crying, because I didn't know why I was in trouble. Something important to note, is that the principal was a black woman. I sat there for a few minutes crying while the teacher went back to class to do some damage control. When the principal called me in I was terrified. She sat me down and asked me if I knew how much trouble I was in and why I would talk like that.This is where I got confused. She asked me why I would call a crayon a N-word. This confused me even more. She could see the confusion. She started asking me about my home life, and how I knew that word. I explained to her how I knew the word. I told her the truth. That everything I saw that was black had that word attached to it in some way. She realized that I had been taught wrong and that it wasn't entirely my fault. She then started explaining to me what it actually meant and how bad a word it was. I started crying even harder at that point because I thought I was in so much trouble. She was kind and understanding though. She came around the desk, gave me a tissue, and told me I wasn't in any trouble.

That was the first time I heard the word black, instead of the other word.

When hate is the first lesson of the day, and for 18 years, it becomes instinct.

There's a song by a rapper on YouTube that makes a LOT of good points. I can't post it here, because it's extremely vulgar. But I think a lot of people should see it. If anyone wants to, PM me and I'll give you the link.

All I really know at this point is that the man downstairs has the red carpet rolled out for me, so to speak.

@ScottishDeeDee Your opinion matters more than you know.

If I was a goddess, I would change the past. I would grant people a do-over for their most serious transgressions. But that's not possible, as I'm not a goddess, and none of the Gods will allow me to do that.

I don't know where to go when I think of this.

Do I go up?
Do I go down?
Do I go left?
Do I go right?

Is it black?
Is it white?
Is it gray?
Is it some other color of the rainbow?

At the time of the incident, I was mixed with a million different feelings.

Something told me to stop. That I was going to kill him.
Something else told me to keep going until I killed him. That that was what a "real man" does with f**s.
Something asked me why I was doing it when I was no different from him. It reminded me that I was bi. I didn't know what transgender was at the time, but it reminded me that I was supposed to have been a girl.
And something reminded me that I was as useless as nipples on a bull.

Something inside me hoped that someone bigger and stronger than me would come up on the scene, see what was going on, save him, and beat my ass.

I don't know what I could do as a penance. Mainly because I don't know if there is anything that would in any way matter in comparison.

I hate myself, and always will. But that's my cross to bear, as they say.

If anyone believes in prayer, then please send him your prayers. I don't know his name, only his face, so I can't tell you who to send them to by name. All I can call him is Him.

On 6/23/2020 at 10:11 PM, MonicaPz said:

You need to forgive him for not forgiving you and you must forgive yourself. That doesn't mean punish yourself. But it means living the rest of your life doing everything you can to undo the hate. This means seeking out every anti-hate organization, and putting yourself in their service. They may want you to give talks in churches and schools.

I would never be able to do that. I couldn't go in front of people and tell them what I did. I don't have the courage to do that. I think a lot of the reason is the shame. The shame may be exactly the reason to do it, but I still don't think I could. Whether it was at a school, religious institute (church, synagogue, mosque, etc.) or conference of some sort, I just don't think I could put myself out there. I can think of 3 things it would take to get me to do it. And that's being generous.

1) An act of god.
2) A cattle prod
3) A hell of a lot of encouragement and support.

I would probably need a bucket with me so that I would have somewhere to throw up while telling the story.

Gods forgive me, when I think of this, I just want to die.

10 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

The man you abused is caught up in his own inability to forgive. That is work he must do when he is ready.

You need to forgive him for not forgiving you and you must forgive yourself. That doesn't mean punish yourself. But it means living the rest of your life doing everything you can to undo the hate. This means seeking out every anti-hate organization, and putting yourself in their service. They may want you to give talks in churches and schools.

I don't think I am the one that needs to forgive anything. I am the one that needs to ask for forgiveness. I wouldn't be able to forgive him if the tables were turned. He has every right to hate me. If he wishes me anything other than ill will, I would be beyond shocked. I truly believe that I deserve the same beating, for the same reason, that I did to him. I'm not eagerly looking for it, and I wouldn't enjoy it. But you don't always enjoy what you get. And this is something he never for any reason whatsoever should have gotten.

Say what you want, but I will never be able to stop hating myself for having done this. I was a stupid, cruel, hateful piece of trash. And part of it was because I refused to admit who and what I am.

When I think about that night, not only do I start crying, but I want to throw up. I have thought many times, that if I thought I could take the pain, I would rip out my own eye in a small bit of penance. It's the least I could do.

Maybe, having to live with the knowledge of what I did until the day I die, (whether that be tomorrow or 50 years from now) is my punishment.

I have found a site to volunteer with. It's as a chatroom monitor for LGBTQ teens. If I'm accepted, training should start soon. It still doesn't make up for what I've done, but at least it's doing something good instead of something harmful.

I agree as well. But I know Chump is going to try to overturn it, and reinstate discrimination laws, with his "mine is bigger" attitude. Since he's the current sitting president. But that's why we have a system of checks and balances. So no one part of government has absolute control. One single part of government having absolute control is called communism and/or dictatorship. While we currently have a dictator, we'll be free in November.

God trying to educate a bigot is like pushing a Cadillac through a straw.

"I do not want her to be in this world."
So you would prefer her dead? So she doesn't have to live in a world of people who are, as you put it "deluded", as we are? That's more than selfish. It says that as long as you get what you want, then nothing and no one else matters. If he matters so little to you, then you should just leave, and never return. Find another job in another country.

You think being transgender is a choice? Then by that logic you chose to be cis. You chose to be straight. Me personally, I chose to wear a white shirt. I chose to collect various items. I chose to let my hair grow long. Did you choose to have feet? Did you choose your race/ethnicity? Did you choose your eye color? I'm pretty sure the answers there are "NO".

Something else that has no solid proof is a deity. Are you part of any religion? Can you show me rock solid proof that your deity exists?
"Just because you believe it, that doesn't make it real."
Sucks when your own ideals are turned back at you, and you have no way to refute it, huh?

We are people. The same as anyone else. More so than some. We just want to live our lives. We're not monsters. A couple t-shirts I have would sum that up really well:

"Keep calm. It's a Pitbull, not a freakin' monster."
"I can see the hate in your eyes."

You judge before you learn. If you learn at all. No one wakes up one day and decides "Today I'm going to be trans. Tomorrow I think I might be a fish." While we're talking about animals, did you know that there are several kinds of animals that can sporadically change sex? So supposed biology, and everything it thinks it knows, is not necessarily written in stone.

There ARE more than two genders. You may not like it, but there are. And from your words, you don't care about your son. You care about your public image. I would say what I think of you, but you're not worth the time.

I just found out as of last night that it would cost more to fix the van than it's worth, so I'm extra screwed. I'm stuck at home now, permanently until I get something. But that's not going to happen anytime soon, because I'm flat broke and these things are EXPENSIVE. I got lucky finding the one that I have/had. But lightning doesn't strike twice as they say, so it looks like I better start taking extra time to get anywhere because I'm going to have to sit down to let the pain subside ever 5 steps.

I.
Hate.
This.
Life.

UPDATE-

I just realized that I left out one very important part in the section about rat behavior and mentality.

"Rats will however, give you a very light nibble from time to time. This is what's known as a rat kiss. It's the same as when a dog licks you. It's a sign of affection, and nothing to be afraid of. "

Monica -
She didn't suddenly change her mind. She has always said she supports me, and still says that. But at the same time her eyes have told a different story. As for the hostility, that would be her parents. When I came out, they went from verbal abuse, to threats of physical attacks, as well as stealing from me. To them I have no worth or value. 
As for other couples, we know none. We're alone in a sea of intolerance and my life preserver is deflating while her life boat is sailing away.

RachelB-
I'll think on that. If you want to mention something and let me know what she thinks later, go for it. If not, that's fine too.

UPDATE -

I have done a little looking into it, and I’m switching the bedding from sawdust. I’m using fleece blankets as bedding now. As said, they will move the blankets around however they want, but at the same time as lining their cage, it gives them something extra to tear up. And if they choose not to shred it then you can just toss it in with your laundry. Also the blankets are much cheaper than traditional bedding, and safer for small animals such as rodents.

I lost all faith in humans a long time ago. My faith in humanity has been dead longer than trilobites.

True, but when your life is saved by a wild rat, they cease to be pests anymore.