Tilly

Sadly, my biggest supporter right now is my sister, whom I have been at odds with for the past few years.  I wish I could have her at that meeting with us, but she lives 3 hours away.

The reason I said it felt like an intervention was that she just fired challange after challange at me...I don't think that there is a chance of a calm meeting.  I don't have a choice on weather to see her or not, my folks are going to be in town and want to meet with her and me...I'm not looking forward to this.

I am doing wonderfully with the freedom, but I still have trouble with hurting the ones I love.  My wife started talking annulment of our marriage, saying that I entered into the marriage under fraudulent circumstances.  I won;t fight her over any of this as long as she agrees to split equitably and not restrict contact with our daughter.

As part of a conversation this evening with her, I told her that I had spoken to my mom about what's going on, she replied that she (my mom) might tell my sister before I had the chance to.  I told her that's fine, I'm not embarrassed, she said it must feel freeing.  I think she is finally getting it that the decision I made was not that I should be a woman, but rather that I decided to stop lying to myself and everyone else.

On a side note, I have realized that my thoughts have been absolutely less destructive and negative since I have been able to be me.

Again with all my love,

Tilly

The hardest part was saying goodnight to my daughter over the phone...

On the up side, I guess I can now be 24/7...  At least once we talk to my daughter.

At this point, I think I need to live authentically. I can't go back to lying to the world at large.  I love how I feel as Tilly, I don't think that I could keep my sanity if I had to box myself up again.  It is going to hurt for a while as my family falls apart, but I think it will be better for everyone in the long run.

There are a few that knew already, the rest I don't think noticed any difference.  I don't exactly have girly tshirts to wear, so with jeans that aren't emblazoned it was probably more about what I felt.  I have been wearing makeup to conceal shadow for a couple weeks anyways.

Love,

Tilly

Bravo Jess,

I did similar on Friday, woke up in the morning and decided I wanted to be a bit girly...threw on some boot cut jeans, did minimal makeup to conceal my shadow, and off to work I was.  It was one of the best work days I have had.

Live,

Tilly

At this point, even if there is no breast growth, even the placebo effect for other possible effects is welcomed...

As I said before, I will try to keep you posted on changes.

Love,

Tilly.

P.S.  I am sticking to the recommendations on dosage so that I don't go overboard. 

It is herbal, the claim is for up to two cup sizes in 6 months...

I'll let you gals know how it comes out.

All my love,

Tilly 

Thanks ladies, I was hoping that I could keep the woman I love.  I needed a reality check, and can always count on ya'll to provide.

Again, thanks,

Tilly.

As for the deodorant, I know what you mean, I have never liked wearing deodorant until I just recently picked up some Dove.  Now I put it on before work, reapply when I get home and before bed...I know it's supposed to last twelve hours, but I like how I smell, especially when it is fresh.

For the video, I totally get it.  I am tired of trying to be macho to fit in.

Love you all,

Tilly

Thank you both.  I needed that today. 

We do not have a spare bedroom unfortunateky.  As l am going through this, part of why I was ready to leave is that when i see the look of disgust on my spouce's face when she looks at me hurts worse then seeing myself with the parts with which I was born.

I have no desire to be unfaithful.  I have said before, I love my wife very deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with her,  i just now see that if we can stay together it will be as two women.

This life transition is being so hard on both of us, I wish there were a way I could m as ke it easier on her.  I understand that I am in for a struggle,  I just wish that I could bear the pain myself and not share it with the woman I love.

I was getting ready to leave tonight, she actually said the exact words I needed to hear.  She said, "I don't want you to leave.". I don't know if I will be sleeping alone yet, but I guess it's something.

After six hours to think and sleep on this decision, I still believe it is the right one.  If she comes home all riled, I will take my clothes and leave...I believe it is the best thing for us both.

I think I am going to leave tomarrow...give her the space to figure things out...She told me that last night she rolled over and saw things she didn't want to see...I'm sorry if a yoga top is inappropriate sleepwear, it's comfortable.  I tried to sleep topless a week or so ago, and couldn't get over feeling exposed.

If she comes home fired up again tomarrow I will leave, I already am packed except for toiletries. 

Thank you all for your honest experiences...I'm glad I'm here getting to hear that I'm not the only 'freak' in the world...

What's so wrong about wanting to relax in leggings and a yoga top anyways, right?

I hope that's where she's at, but it was her comment tha made me start wondering what was going on with myself...In some ways, I wonder if she thought this was happening for quite a while...I too am as mentally prepared as I can be I can be for divorce, but all I have figured out is a place to crash, not a place to live.  

I wish she could go with me when I actually fully embrace myself as Tilly to see how much more relaxed and happy I am.  I can't even bring myself to ask her to come because she would probably do everything In her power to prevent me from seeing my friends in a setting in which I can fully dress.

I know, but there is also one person st work that I do not want finding out.  More for his protection then mine,  I just don't want to be the reason someone loses their job.

Actually, yesterday, I found out that the company is looking for a new assistant for me (well, whoever is operating the machine that I run).  I figured I should probably see if my supervisor could get as much of a read as he could on getting someone that would be friendly to the LGTBQ community and explained why it was probably a good idea.  He said he would see what he could do and let me know that his 21 year old son (biological male) is going through a similar situation.  I'm glad I took the chance, but I know it could have been a disaster.

Still hanging in there,

Tilly

I am still looking for a therapist though...regardless of how wonderful my friends are (both here and in real life,) I still believe a professional would help get through this with less agony.

Tilly

For the bravery issue, I have lucked into the most understanding group of friends I could ever ask for.  My biggest regret is that my friends have probably seen more of the real me then my wife.  Out of respect for her (and the sanity of our daughter) I have limited my change in clothing around her to undergarments. 

I came across your post at the perfect time.  Right now I don't want to go into detail here, but thank you for your help.

Thank you Emma, that I s so close to me through college.  Obviously some of the details are a little different, but it looks very familiar.