Emilyruns

Hi Jennifer,

Some time ago I moved to a different place, so that's been keeping me busy and I haven't been online much. But I'm catching up now, and reading posts from...the last year I think. Just wanted to let you know that your inane ramblings matter to me, a lot. Thank you for your openness. I struggle every day with being transgender and bipolar, and reading that someone else might have the same struggle, something that I recognize, is a great comfort. We are not alone, and thanks to you sharing your thoughts, I am stronger than I would be alone. You matter. We all matter in the end. Sometimes the fight is the only reason I have to keep going, even if I feel so confused that I've forgotten what the fight is about. Stay strong girl, keep up the good fight, this world needs you.
with love,
Emily

Just took my first dose of HRT! I'm so excited!

Gawd that looks so cute!

I came out to my neighbor by accident yesterday. She's super chill about everything though, and she didn't even blink an eye. So here's the short story. I'm home, my 5 y/o is already asleep, and it's just before 7 pm. My 2y/o is still awake, and we're reading story books. I'm wearing a nice skirt and a tank top. My phone bings and tells me an Amazon package has arrived. I know that there's a new skirt and new shorts for me in it, so I really want to go get it. We decide to read the same story 5 more times. Now I'm really antsy so I tell him I just have to go get the package from outside and I'll be right back. Unfortunately it was delivered to my neighbors door (Amazon takes pictures now), and that's maybe 10 steps away. I close the door behind me, and scurry over to snatch the box. This is the very first time I've gone out my front door in a skirt. I'm very proud of myself. I hurry back. The door is locked. In the 10 seconds I was gone, my 2 y/o locked the door one my! The rest of the house is already locked up, so I can't get in! I have no keys, no phone, no nothing. Just my amazon box, and I'm wearing a skirt and a pink razorback tank top, and I'm locked out of my house! My 2 y/o starts crying and screaming immediately. I freak out. I put my shoulder into our weak door, but it won't budge. I go to the back yard to check the windows, but everything's locked. The shed is open though, so I grab a crow bar and set to work on the front door. But, I've never done this before, so I have no idea what I'm doing. I do some damage to the wood work, but still the door won't budge. My 2 y/o's cries get louder and he's obviously more freaked out than I am. I become frantic. I run back to the shed, grab duck tape, a screw driver and a rubber mallet. I tape over the kitchen window so it won't shatter, and hammer the screw driver into it. But I don't want the neighbors to call the cops either, so I try to keep it as soft as I can. The window doesn't break, and I don't want to go to jail. I run back to the front door and try to kick it in. Still doesn't work. Now I sink down in front of it in despair and start talking to my 2 y/o to try and calm him down. It takes a few minutes, but then I'm able to talk to him. After a while my neighbor comes out to check on the noise. She's seen everything out of her window already, and now finds me crying, in a skirt, on the door mat. Her pity and understanding is amazing. Together we talk to my little child, and eventually he figures out how to unlock the door. He's happy. My cries intensify a thousand fold, and I act like the mother who finally embraces her lost child. After a couple of minutes I'm able to stand up again, and give my neighbor many thanks. Just before we say goodbye she compliments me on how cute I look. I'm so elated that I start crying again, and it took me a good hour to calm down again.

So, now she knows, and I won't be as afraid anymore of gong out my front door!

Hi Monica,

Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar. I've been seeking help for gender dysphoria, and everyone I've talked to agrees GD is present. But each and every one of them also have mentioned that I may be bipolar. The last two psychiatrists both diagnosed me with BPD. It's mild, but taking meds right now. Those should take a couple of weeks before the effects kick in. We'll see how things go. I hope indeed I respond just as beautifully to the medication!

❤️

Emily

PS.: if you think it might help, I can send you a cattle prod

Jen, that is a terrible thing to have to bear with you for the rest of your life! I'm crying as I write this. Both for you and the gay man involved. We can't change the way we were raised, and we can't change the past. After the fact, you did all you could do for this person, and that is a very brave thing to do. You are still beating yourself up over this, and that may be the penance you are paying. But I dearly love the idea that you have offered your time as monitor in the LGBT teens chat room. I hope it works out and you get to do it! It would be a good place to start, and once you are comfortable doing that, you might reach out farther to support others, and to prevent hate. But indeed, one step at a time. Keep up the good work, and keep the love in your heart strong. You know it's there, and it burns bright! Keep going on this route, and for the man downstairs you'll be a very tough nut to crack.

Hi Emma, thank you so much for your supportive words! I'm definitely no longer living in A. That switch happened about 9 months ago. So I'll go for either B or C. I've been seeing a lot of therapists too. They help a lot, but I think it will just take more time for my brain to (hopefully) find out where it is most comfortable. What really really irks me and causes me the most annoyance and anxiety is that things are not consistent. If only my brain would pick a spot and stay there. At this point I really don't care anymore where I end up. Could be a hermaphroditic newt. That'd be fine. It's the constant male / female switch that's driving me insane and to tears.

Venting helps though. Thanks for listening!

❤️

I just read this and am crying now. That's so terrible. You are not damaged, and you are not worthless. Just by your kindness you've helped me in ways that I could never have imagined possible. Hang in there BA.

❤️

No way, that's where I live! I so need to check them out! Thanks!!! ❤️

Thank you both for your thoughts and advice. It really helps me keep going and to keep my head on my shoulders.

Monica, I had heard some time ago about Trans Lifeline, but it hasn't been on my mind in a few months (which I suppose is a good thing). But last Tuesday I think I may not have been far from calling them. I'll keep it in mind from now on, especially during the coming period, just in case things go poorly. thank you!

Dee, it's so good to hear your comments about being yourself on the inside. After reading that my mind definitely stopped racing and going in circles. I'm doing much better now. I know what you mean about reflections, I'm just trying to ignore the mirror and try to finish whatever task I need to do in front of one.

Luckily, yesterday I had a chance to go for a long run. That's really helped too!

My original post was on Monday, and on Wednesday I couldn't take it anymore. I had gone through a deep dip. I decided to introduce my 4 year old to my wig. I'm trying to take notes of everything I do with my kids, and I'll try to post it here on TGGuide, just in case at some point it may be useful to someone.

I had already introduced him to me wearing a skirt. I did that about a month ago I think, and I did it by just putting on a skirt, nothing else feminine, and I went about our daily business in the house (not outside, as the neighbors don't know about Emily yet). That day he complimented me at least 4 times that he really likes my dress. Each time I thanked him for the compliment, and then moved on to a different subject. The fourth time I wore the skirt in his presence he didn't comment on it anymore. After that I tried other skirts in his presence, and he hardly commented on those. In the beginning I made sure there were at least a few days in-between the times that I wore a skirt. But now I can just do it every day. A week ago I wore my heel in his presence for the first time, and he did not comment on those at all.

So now it was time for the wig. I purposely had not shaved for a few days, so that I would be more recognizable. I was wearing a skirt, and a big bulky hoodie sweater. I told him that "I'm bald, and I don't like it. So I have a wig. It's like a hat with hair on it. And I like to wear it because then I don't look bald. It's kind of like dressing up." Then I showed him the wig, and right away he asked: "don't you want to put it on?" So I did. He looked at me for a second and then smiled, saying: "you look like a girl." Then he thought for another second, smiled bigger, and said: "And like a rock star." And then he went back to playing. Ten minutes later we were playing together and he said: "you look like a lady." And that was that. Wig accepted for the rest of the day. It felt wonderful for me, and hopefully not too disturbing for him. I'll wait until next week before I wear the wig again. But so far so good!

Thank you all again for your support. I love the community here!