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  1. Yesterday
  2. Elsa

    My transition (Update)

    Hi all wonderful people. It has been a while since I posted anything here. After my last post I met a beautiful lady through this site, Steph53, Steph has become very special to me. Steph was very kind and supportive and introduced me to what are now many friends over on Facebook, this is where I now spend most of my time. As for my transition it has progressed rapidly. I am now a month into my Hormone Therapy . I now largely live full time as my true self. I have been out into the real world a number of times and this is now my norm rather than something out of the ordinary. Elsa obviously won the battle with William, it was never a contest. William is now a distant memory and only gets referred to in the 3rd person i.e. he did this, he did that, he was like that. He now plays no part in my life as i move forward. This is now my time to live, to shine and to grow. I do want to relate a recent event which made me realise just how strong I am now. The past weekend 16th -17th June 2018 my daughter and her partner was invited to her grandmothers for lunch, i was happy as they are very close and it showed me my issue had not damaged their relationship despite me not being in the good books with my mother in law any more. I knew of the invite a few weeks ago. On Saturday evening i was informed my wife was also invited but not me again while not happy I understood. As Saturday evening wore on it hit me what this meant, I was no longer welcome on my wife's side of the family and i suddenly felt very alone and isolated. I became very upset. I went to bed and woke up around 3.30am and I was angry, very upset, very down and very vulnerable . i quietly cried into my pillow. Then something happened, i started to think of all the things I (Elsa) had gone through to finally be born. Up until this point whenever I had discussed my battles and coming out and accepting who I was it had always been from his perspective never mine. As i went back to as far as I could remember, my early childhood, I realised the immense struggle i had had just to be heard, to make myself known. The physical abuse by a Father and older brother who couldn't accept that I existed. To a mother that knew I existed but was not sure who i was, stopped the abuse and protected me. While my father effectively ignored me for a long time my older brother took every opportunity to bully me psychological. Into my early teens when thankfully my father went back to sea as a merchant sailor and was never home and the older brother sent to remand school. Finally I had some peace and for around 2 1/2 years I thrived, i dressed all the time although in secret and and with a lot of guilt and shame due to the earlier tortures. My mother knew but kept it to herself and we never discussed it. It was towards the end of these years that he began to dominate, I don't know why, maybe it was the increased testosterone, but he started to isolate me and bury deep down in his psychology. He began to grow into a man physically, he had a mans skin suit. the problem was, that as I watched on, he had know idea what a man was, he was a intrinsically a woman. His only guide was how other men behaved around him, largely his family, and they where not good role models. I could see he was very confused, he did his best but increasingly became more isolated as he didn't seem to fit in but didn't know why. This is how it would continue for the next 40 years from the age of 20. I would eventually find the strength to make myself heard and he would be forced to dress, he hated it and would attempt to bury me even deeper and build more walls to hide me. Every 3 - 6 months i would find a way out and the cycle would start again. He married and had a daughter, this was the first time I ever saw him happy. after work he couldn't wait to get home and be with his new daughter and wife. I was happy, i left him alone and even began to think that maybe this was his turning point and I would slowly fade away and he would finally find some peace. His wife didn't handle the birth to well, she loved her daughter but post natal depression set in. He became confused as he wife seemed to become more and more distance until an event occurred that would change him forever. His mother passed away at 60, he was devastated. He needed support, his wife needed his support but at that exact time his wife broke down. He had to fly down away from home to be at his mothers funeral on his own. I can remember watching him as he approached his mother casket, his family, their wives and their children where all sobbing and he felt the emotion start to well up then shockingly as all that emotion was about to pour out he slammed it down, he refused to show any weakness to his family. He sat stoically through the whole funeral and as he helped carry the casket out. He never cried over the mother he was so close to and was never able to again. From this point one he became cold and any emotions where nothing more than an illusion. I was determined to right this ship as this was not healthy for either of us. The cycle began again but this time he just coldly accepted it and moved on. He turned it sexual, he would drink to excess, he would hurt himself through these periods, sometimes lasting up to 2 weeks all privately and unknown to those around him, he felt regret and shame and guilt but he'd learned to push them away and bury them as he did to me.He became depressed and often suicidal, he never acted on it. He had money to earn and and a family to maintain. The only person he was close to and showed any emotion to was his daughter, he loved her so much as I did and As i now do. She kept him alive. At 50 everything changed, he was tired of the constant battle, his daughter was now old enough to take care of herself and was living her own life, he was happy for her but he was loosing his anchor. He simply gave up and there was nothing I could do. he buried me deeper than before and built so many walls i could no longer influence him. He simple existed and just pretended to be alive. He became and empty shell. I refused to give up. I kept clawing my way out and very occasionally i would make myself heard. for almost 10 years this went on. However i became stronger as his psychology began to weaken. He could no longer maintain the prison of walls he had put me behind, because he just didn't care any more. for a while it was touch and go, he meticulously planned his own suicide even got to the point of ordering the supplies, but I was to strong now, I had not come this far to simply allow him to deny me my life. I stopped him and finally as Christmas 2017 approached I convinced him he had to choose, either come to terms with me or we both cease to exist. It wasn't his choice it was mine and I chose life. It still took a few more months. He couldn't understand what was happening, this constant need to be a woman, it became ad obsession it was still very sexual he purged 3 more times, wasted a lot of money but after each purge I forced him back again. I forced him to research and read about transgender issues, understand it from a scientific perspective, he trained as a scientist so I knew this would appeal to his scientific nature. He finally began to understand. I made him book an appointment with a transgender therapist, now he began to understand who I was. About a week before the appointment we where driving to the shops, i kept whispering to him, you know me, you know who i am, you need to say, say it in your head and then say it out loud, it was his final piece of resistance but not to much. He finally said it, in his head and then out loud. I AM A WOMAN. I WAS FINALLY BORN, I WAS FREE. and the rest as they say is history. I write this now 5 months into the transition. I am at peace, there is no longer any conflict and because of all I have been through to finally be born I am stronger than he ever was. If you can remember back to the beginning of what is now rather a long blog entry, these memories came back at 3.30 Sunday morning 17th June 2018 at about 4.30am I began to sob uncontrollably. I had grown up, this was my life now and he was now just a distant memory. More than that, i was no longer angry, upset, down and vulnerable, I was calm, happy, upbeat and resilient. It no longer mattered who accepted me or not, I was me, this is my life and I will live it on my own terms. I had struggled and fought to be free and that has made me strong. There is very little the world can do to me that I haven't already endured, it will try but I know i will alway prevail. If you decided to read this far thank you I truly appreciate your interest. To all the wonderful people on TGguide and Transgender Radio in Australia who tirelessly maintain and keep these sites alive, that allow people like me to find a home and express ourselves and meet others like us and of course to all my Transgender friends on Facebook. I do however dedicate this to one very special lady who has helped me so much and it his through her kindness and support that I have come so far so quickly. for you Steph. I truly do love you. Hugs and kisses Elsa
  3. MonicaPz

    Uhmmm

    Dear Christy, Have experienced mild PTSD (diagnosed by a psychiatrist) because I almost was homeless in NYC six years ago. Was given 3 weeks notice and every day I was looking at rooms but they were all filthy in horrible overcrowded conditions. This was precipitated by the father of the autistic man I was caring for suddenly died and his elderly mother wanted to care for him. Also, I was having serious back trouble. Also, as a cisgender Lesbian woman who did a lot of babysitting growing up, I had the opportunity to observe young children, both boys and girls, experimenting with dressing/acting as the opposite sex. Rolled with it, and allowed them to do it, although some of the parents weren't too happy about it, but my hunch was good, because they did it once or twice, and moved on to other interests. By the way, all these children turned out to be cisgender and heterosexual. Must confess I explored it myself (I was jealous that my brothers could pee standing up!) and, like the children I babysat for, soon moved on to other interests. Was a "tomboy," but I feel this had little to do with me being a Lesbian, as I witnessed many heterosexual women have a "tomboy" phase growing up. Your friend, Monica
  4. Last week
  5. Christy

    Did traumatize myself a tiny bit?

    So How do I see things today? Well the train is chugging along at an acceptable pace. I am still on hrt and doing all the things I was before the pit stop. I am just taking things much slower in every way. I have dialed back everything to a level that is comfortable enough for me to keep moving forward. I will pay attention to everything more closely especially how my decisions will affect me and others down the road. I ask myself all the time “what does this really mean & what are the consequences”. Do I really need to take this particular step or do I just want to. It used to bother me being in an “I between stage” but I have learned to accept it and actually have fun with it. YouTube has helped a lot. Girls that have expressed the same thoughts and feelings that I have or have had in the past. I tend to relate to the girls that aren’t all glammed up. They are not putting on a show just talking about what they have been through. Physically and emotionally. I guess my main focus is to be as healthy as possible in every aspect of life. That is a tall order but at least it is something to aim at. Just aiming at being a passable functional girl seems really shallow to me now. As trans people we are extremely valuable to the world in that we have a unique perspective on life. No cis man or woman can fully understand this in my opinion. Life is to dam short to sit in shi.... I think we are here to experience the physical world and I really don’t know what being stuck in the wrong body means but there is still time for me to ponder this. Why is this happening to humanity? Something deep down is telling me that this might be a step in evolution. I might be just crazy thinking, wishful thinking or a way for me to cope with life but.....I don’t know. My intuition is telling me that I might be on to something here. It’s funny how when people talk about alien visits, visions, or sightings like the “grays” for example. They are rarely identified by sex really. I have to laugh at myself sometimes but hey, who knows. I like to stay positive if I can and I’m a bit of a jokester as well. With that I will go and have fun with Father’s Day. I’m going to get all machoed up for a day to see how I feel. Lol.   Christy 👽 
  6. Christy

    Uhmmm

    The conversations I have with myself about who I am and who I want to be help guide me on this journey. It’s a fun way for me to think about life (As 2 separate people) but, I only have one body so what to do? Who will dominate in the future? I don’t know yet and that is ok for now. I was studying PTSD recently and it related to me in a way. Even though I have been thinking and wanting and wishing to be a girl my whole life, I never really thought I would be. Ever. Unless some magical event took place I would be stuck with what I had been born with. Then when I was desperate enough during one of those moments (which there were many) I took a small step. This first step made me feel great. It was scary and exciting at the same time and what was once a dream now seemed like a reality or a possibility anyway. The momentum was building and I knew that I had to keep taking steps otherwise I might fall back into the same crappy place again. The excitementand the feelings were overwhelming and to see smallphysical changes (which seemed huge at the time) just made true transition a reality in my mind. Even though I was in therapy a lot and thought I was mentally prepared for this, I was not. The little girl popped out and she was running the show. Just like a teenager. As long as it wasn’t obvious to the outside world what I was up to things were acceptable and manageable for me mentally. Within in 3 months I had facial and some body hair removed, I was on hrt under a doctors care, I came out to some people, joined trans groups, let my hair grow (which was a lot harder than I thought it would be, looked like crap) bought clothes and started wearing them when I could, practicing my voice everyday, learning and wearing makeup, made my eyebrows feminine, doing yoga at least 3 times a week and lost 35 lbs while changing my eating habits. Looking back at this it all seems extremely fast but that is what she wanted. The realization that this was to quick of a time line started to creep up on me. When Ifinally stopped and took a long look at what I was actually doing I freaked out a bit. The hrt had removed much of my dysphoria and the reality of how hard and long this transition was going to be became clear. Do I really need to change? I was naïve and the shell shock was too much. I hadn’t prepared mentally for this and I needed to get it right one way or the other. So pulled the cord on the train and got off telling my doc what I was up to. I had traumatized myself just a little bit and needed to regroup. Now I feel much better about things and I have more confidence in my decisions but I have to keep checking in. I also have friends that will tell me when I’m swerving off the path. Will I stay on the train for the rest of the trip? Probably not because I learned so much about myself at the last stop. But then again who knows! treat someone nice today that doesn’t deserve it. It will come back to you when you need it. Christy😻
  7. It's expensive but when you add up the costs for weekly electrolysis (which may take 5 years for full and permanent clearing) the economics are right in the ballpark. The first session is the most expensive since it takes anywhere from one 12-hour day to a day and a half to clear. But they only charge you for the time it takes (plus the costs of the anesthesia) so that later treatments cost less since they are shorter. I'm hopeful that my next appointment in September will be only 7-8 hours instead of 12.
  8. I did not know such option was available I had none done on my first treatment it hurt And I teared . Gee a had no idea I could
  9. EShaver

    Technical help needed in posting photos

    I guess we'll see.....
  10. Ellen, please try the following: 1. Go to: http://downloadcenter.nikonimglib.com/en/products/330/D3400.html 2. Download the Reference Manual to your computer 3. Read pages 84, 85, 86: “Image Quality and Size”. See if you can follow their instructions and find out what image quality and size that the camera is currently set for. Write that down! 4. Now, set the image quality to “JPEG basic”, and the image size to “Small”. That will produce photos of about 6MB is size which may still be too large. Try an experiment with websites you’ve had difficulty with and see if it works now. If it still doesn’t work then you will need to buy a simple photo editing program for your computer. It should have the capability to open your JPEG images and resize them smaller. The cost should not be high for this. I know this sounds like a lot of hassle. The “problem” is that modern cameras take very large photos, even when the smallest is selected. It’s not that your Nikon camera is bad. You’d have the same problem with Canon or any other brand. Good luck!
  11. EShaver

    Technical help needed in posting photos

    Monica , it's a Nikon D-3400 I got it at Target
  12. Christy

    The Talk.

    Hello girls and thank you for the comments. This story is about me-the man and me-the female. It is about the male letting go and the female growing up. The Native American culture has members of the tribe that are trans and they call them 2 spirits. It take a lot of thought to go from one identity to another. So in the blog the he/him is me. Everything I have experienced in life up until I admitted I was trans. All the great things that “he” has done need to be respected and embraced by her. (The newly announced female). The “she” also needs the same respect from “him”. She has always been there in the backround helping him. They have been helping each other all along, they just didn’t know it. It does sound weird but it’s about embracing all that I am. The girl is now activated in the outside world and this is new territory for her. She needs help and “he” is there to help with his wisdom. I am one person but if I think about this transition as 2 separate people then I can move forward with less pain. Think of it like this - he is passing the on control of everyday life to her but she has never been in control before so he is helping her to learn. It can be scary for both.... Christy
  13. MonicaPz

    The Talk.

    Dear Christy and MichelleLea, Think what Christy is describing is going through her second adolescence, this time as a woman. Your friend, Monica
  14. MonicaPz

    New Beginnings

    Dear MichelleLea, Looking back in my life, one of the jobs I was best at, I really didn't enjoy (bookkeeping). Interestingly, despite that, I seemed to enjoy the company of bookkeepers. Am very detail oriented. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you explore career options. Yours truly, Monica
  15. MonicaPz

    Technical help needed in posting photos

    Dear Ellen, May I ask what year your Nikon camera was made, and what model is it? Emma gave you excellent advice, but she may be able to help you more if you give her the above information. Love your models! Your friend, Monica
  16. MichelleLea

    The Talk.

    Wow! Quite a story. When I first started dressing as an adult, I did realize a dramatic personality change--definitely more outgoing. I am by myself now, so I don't notice a change anymore. Maybe, you have to be with someone else to express your personality. I just like being comfortable now and being able to wear what I want.
  17. MichelleLea

    New Beginnings

    After what seemed like a forever dry spell, I finally opened another account today and wrote some business. I had just come from a promising sales presentation with one company and thought I'd check up on an employer who had put me off the last time since she just didn't have the time. Today she was ready and we just did it. I wasn't expecting that, but I'll take it. I have been seriously considering doing something else, but I really would like this to work. I have some more promising things coming up. We'll see. Eventually, I will downsize, but I'm not ready yet if I can help it. I like my privacy and being able to do pretty much what I want--not that I do much. Just me and my puppies.
  18. Christy

    The Talk.

    I posted this in the forum as well. Let me know what you think. Am I crazy? I don't think I am. This is about how I have been dealing with the male and female sides of myself. My 2 spirits if you will. Are there really 2 spirits or personalities? I really don't know but I do know this. Thinking, writing and talking with myself in this manner has given me a sense of peace. A better understanding of myself. I'm not sure where we are going but I plan on making it as fun as I possibly can. I do feel that everyone has something to offer this world and I enjoy helping them find out what that might be. Or at least try. Watching a person “wake up” to the full world is fascinating and meaningful. It seems I keep waking up myself and reforming my opinions about me and me and the world. So, why did I get off the transition train for a bit and then hop back on? Well, something just didn’t feel right and it wasn’t fear. Responsibly for others was a big part and I needed to take a closer look at what the destination of this journey really was. I have kept my feelings about being or wanting or wishing to be female a secret for sooooo long that when I finally admitted it, the girl was ready to run. So she did and it seemed like there was no stopping her. She planned on being fully in place within a year. She was so excited about this idea that she lost track of the real world and everything she had helped to create in her lifetime. Luckily her best friend who she thought was holding her down came to her rescue. He taught this very young, happy, excited and all knowing girl to slow down. Almost in a child like way she was bound to make big mistakes and hurt herself. So with a loving hand he started to walk with her but not hold her back, just to keep her close. He gave this child some space to test her confidence and explore the world, but he was always there close by to help her understand the world and comfort her when she needed it. She is free to bump her knee and get hurt so she can learn from her mistakes. This is the only way she is going to grow into the women she might want to be. He is kind of like a parent or older brother in many ways, always there to protect her when she needs help but has enough wisdom to know that this is her journey to travel. She is growing and aging extremely fast which causes him to worry more than normal. This is the first time he has ever done this and he knows he will make mistakes. She entered her teenage years very quickly and she became selfish and arrogant, thinking she knew all the answers. She knew exactly what she wanted and needed so she started making plans without thinking it through or talking it over with him. I want, I need, I am, I will be, I will feel, I will see and then I will be able to breathe. Now he has a full grown teenager on his hands in a very short period of time and she has the resources of a full grown adult. Off she went doing what she wanted and he was left behind (she wouldn't even talk to him) which made him sad, but he understood this is a tough journey for her so, he let her go. Growth is what he was praying for, in himself and her. For him the acceptance of raising this girl was a bitter pill to swallow because he knows that when she is fully on her own he may not exist anymore. Fortunately, he loves her more than he loves himself so, he says nothing to her about his fears. Feeling guilty for holding her back for so many years, he lets her get away with more than he should have but, that is when she saw him clearly for the first time. He had been such a strong figure in her life providing security and protection but now something was different. She realized he was vulnerable and sad in certain ways and she couldn't believe she never noticed this before. She was unsure of herself. Like a princess in a castle always looking out the window dreaming of what could be she never really looked around. She was living in a strong beautiful castle that pampered her all the time, she just didn't know it. She wasn't allowed to leave the castle because his fear for her and himself was so strong that the doors could not open no matter how hard he tried. He had worked on opening those giant wooden doors everyday for his entire life. She became embarrassed about all the selfish things she had done and said vowing to change her ways, but that is a tall order to fill for such a young girl. She headed back into the castle were she felt comfortable and she helped him work on those giant wooden doors. As time went by they both grew and found a whole new respect for each other. They started appreciating all the things that each of them bring to the relationship.The good and the bad. They discussed what the future might look like if they never get the doors open and leave the castle. They talked for hours upon hours about what life would be like if they did get the doors open. Where would they go? Would they go together? Who would decide where and what to do? Would they both survive this unknown world? She grew into a women during this time and he could see how strong she was becoming. He was proud of her. She finally saw him for the man he had always been and loved him for it. Instead of fighting with each other they were working together and communicating about their individual needs and desires. Likes & Dislikes. That is when they found the key that opened the doors. It was lying on the table in the foyer, right in front of them the entire time, they were just to blind to see it. They have a deep trust for each other that for now seems unbreakable. Now he was ready to let go completely so, he said go explore the world you have a great adventure before you. I love you with all my heart and if you need anything at all you know where to find me. She smiled looked out at the beautiful world and took her first step. She turned back to him and asked...would you like to join me on this adventure? He smiled and said...of course I would but I think you should lead the way for awhile if you don't mind. I'd be happy to she said but we are at our best when we work together. Back on the Train..........of life. When I think of myself and my life as a story that is being written...by me & me.....it inspires me want to write the best dam story I can. Christy
  19. EShaver

    Technical help needed in posting photos

    Emma , I did it via e-mails and honestly , Nikon might as well shut down .
  20. Ellen, I believe there are a couple of ways to address this issue: 1. In a Nikon camera setup menu you can set the number of pixels in the photo to something very low. The downside to this is that if your photos are viewed in a larger size they will look pixelated. And, perhaps worse, you’ll either have to take two photos for each shot, one high-res and one low-res, or all of your photos will be lower resolution. 2. In a program on your computer, for example, photoshop although there are plenty of others that are much less expensive and easier to use, you can reduce the resolution of your Nikon-generated photo files so that they’ll fit within the maximums of whatever website you’re trying to deal with. The problem isn’t with Nikon per se. The issue is that newer cameras from Nikon, Canon, et al, have increased their resolution capabilities to enable their customers to print out their photos ever larger without appearing distorted. I’m surprised that the service people you talked to weren’t able to diagnose this for you.
  21. EShaver

    Technical help needed in posting photos

    Emma , I just wanted to see if the "Thumb nail pictures would also post within this forum . Model cars Magazine has the same server and that is another place I was blocked out of because the Nikon camera won't size pictures small enough to suit most forums .
  22. Earlier
  23. Wow Ellen, your model is Fantastic!!! Not sure why you posted the pics in this thread but regardless I’m happy to see your work!
  24. EShaver

    Technical help needed in posting photos

    OK , I wound up going directly to Nikon . They were USELESS . I discovered I have a feature on Amazon with Photo storage . By up loading an album to them , then taking THEIR THUMBNAIL , I can actually share a shot !!!! This building from 1967- 1983 was home to the Crossroads Coffee house in Richmond Va . Celebrities , Robbin Thompson, Bruce Springsteen and Elizabeth Cotton all played there . I was their Emcee 1968 1974
  25. MichelleLea

    Lying Low

    Thanks, Monica. I brought my jacket today. I'll keep it in the car. LOL.
  26. Dawn,, Very enjoyable stories. As I write this, the Pink Fog is enveloping me again. It is comforting to have a Forum like this to know I’m not alone. Lace and Smiles, Lisa
  27. It has been a while since I engaged this forum item. Lately, I have been truely experiencing a more feminized body as I have had dozens of people recognize me as a woman. I believe this has to do with why I have had the following dream. I recently had a recurring dream of my breasts being fully developed and me breast feeding (my) baby. Dawn13. Please share your stories - Dawn
  28. MonicaPz

    Trying Times

    Dear MichilleLea and Emma, Agree with Emma that you need to build you experience and confidence level before leading others. As for Rich's wife, a great preventive of urinary tract infections is cranberry juice, and if you don't like it, there are gel caps with cranberry juice concentrate. Especially women, like you, need to try to prevent urinary tract infections, as they are potentially dangerous. Sometimes when men are under stress, especially involving the wife, simple supportive friendship can grow into romantic involvement. If you can, I would try to be as busy doing your job and making money that you desperately need, to avoid being "too available" for him. Your friend, Monica
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