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  1. Yesterday
  2. Jessicatoyou

    Weird Sensation

    Hey girls, you're scaring me!! LOL. As long as I can remember, my nipples always erect easily and often and become aroused, in fact it was always my preferred foreplay and self gratification even over genital foreplay. I try not to think too much of what will happen on HRT; just hope I'm pleasantly surprised! 😲
  3. Christy

    Weird Sensation

    The answer is yes. Mine are very sensitive and hurt most of the time. Not bad just kind of like ouch. Some days more so than others. They are now a place that is far more stimulating especially as the Ariola’s grow in size. They also seem to have a mind of their own sometimes lol. One day my boobs feel and look like they are huge and then a couple of days later I’m like hey what the heck happened to them? Are they shrinking? Lol
  4. Christy

    Not sure what to feel

    Yes you will love the feeling of no facial hair 😊. After a couple of months I was completely clear except for the light color stragglers but it was very easy to manage. I thought wow I must be one of the lucky ones because the hair just fell out. Then the second wave came in and it started to grow again so we cleared that up. This happened a third time and then it was pretty much gone but there are tiny stubborn ones that pop up. When the other waves come in it’s not like you get a beard again it’s just kind of disappointing to see some growth but no big deal. Now I am 98% clear with just a few lighter ones left but you can’t see them. I can feel them a tiny bit if I don’t shave for a week. At the beginning of this it didn’t hurt that much but as hrt has changed my skin it started to hurt more especially around my mouth. My skin is more sensitive now. I had my whole upper body done about 4 or 5 times and that didn’t really hurt but that’s totally gone now. She has also done my butt and around my private area. The butt hurts when she gets right in there lol but it’s pretty much gone now. As far as legs and arms I just shaved them 2 and it hasn’t really grown back. Just really slowly and much finer but that’s HRT working. Lasers have come a long way in the past year and they are always developing new products. The one thing they she does every 2weeks when I go for electrolysis is quickly zap any stubborn hair with the laser for free. I pay 50-70$ for each appointment now but I’m pretty clear so the time needed is less and less. At the beginning of this it was 350$ each time for an hour +. She also guarantee me that the laser she uses is permanent and will clear anything that she might have missed at no charge. I may have to have a touch up once a year she said because everyone is different. I haven’t gotten into the delicate areas needed for gcs yet but I can say that from the scrotum down doesn’t really grow anymore. Just fine hairs. Up top of that is normal but she zaps around that a bit to keep it shaped nice. That’s just my experience and everyone is different so I hope it works well for ya. Oh, she also has different size lasers tips and she also does around my eyes to help shape the eyebrows but you need a different set of special eye protection for that. They are like tanning booth ones but completely solid to protect your eyes. The other thing is that where my hair was slightly receding up in the corners of my hair line the hair is growing back. It’s very fine blonde hair but it’s getting longer. 😊. So you never know.
  5. ScottishDeeDee

    Not sure what to feel

    Hi Jess, mine has been an electrologist for 30 plus years and knows her stuff which I was delighted about considering I had one of 3 places to choose from - no BS - she took one look and said I wasn't going to be straightforward lol. She uses an IPL which was what she used the first time at max setting to blast the darkest hairs, which is why it stung so much but she refers to that as pretty much just clearing out the worst of the weeds to see what needs to be done, my next appt is in 3 weeks time to let the growth cycle start up again so she can see what is left, but she is moving on to the NDYAG laser which is more powerful but hits a smaller area to get the other colours, both are thermolysis so effectively use heat to completely destroy the hair permanently and then electrolysis will be left for the stragglers that have little to no pigment. Starting this before I see a gender therapist to see if I am "trans" through the NHS might not make sense to some, but for me I know I cannot stand having to shave all the time so getting a smooth face will be totally worth it regardless. Plus when I do wear makeup just now I hate the pad or wipe being torn apart when I clean my neck after only a few hrs. My sunburn is almost gone, just my neck is still red now, if it gives me a bit more confidence too then it cannot be a bad thing! 💛
  6. Last week
  7. Jessicatoyou

    Not sure what to feel

    Hi Dee, It was a BIG step for me starting laser. I started 5 weeks ago with my first treatment. Had my second last week.. She uses a "Light Sheer Diode Laser and Vectus Laser, wavelength 810. My biggest problem (and fear) in going out, was my shadow and how quickly it would return after shaving, but that was quickly eliminated with my first treatment. After laser for me, one day of (sunburn feeling), a couple of days clumps of dark hair would force their way out through my pores, and from the 3rd day after to a week, my skin broke out somewhat. Which I didn't expect, because I never had acne or pimple problems). I cleaned my face often using a defoliating cleanser and kept it moisturized with an oil free moisturizer. Within a week everything was back to normal, except no dark hairs!😍 Shaving was so much easier. I also started electrolysis a week after my first laser treatment, because most if the hair on my lower chin and neck was light hair, (probably an age thing?) Have had about 10 hours so far and the results are definitely noticeable, but will need many, many more. As far as pain, neither were much of an issue for me, ( the first laser treatment bit me quite a lot right below my nose and around my lips, though!). The second was easier. Witch hazel is a good and in-expensive remedy which my electrologist let me in on. Yes, the cost is hard to swallow, but if it's any consolation, the amount of make-up I need has reduced to almost nothing! You are going to love the feeling, not just the physical feeling, but the psychological one too!🙋‍♀️ Jess
  8. Christy

    Not sure what to feel

    Yeah once you get started with eating more veggies then you can eat as much as you want at any time. Then you have to come up with ways to make it tastier. I go to a vegan restaurant and they give me tip for at home. Laser hurts and electrolysis is no picnic either. I have pain pills that I take an hour before. It helps. Also I put Aloe plant on my face after which helps. Luckily in Florida we have aloe everywhere. My tech said she would not use the 2 lasers you mentioned on me and she explained why. She uses a Candela Gentlelase which is an alexandrite. It’s a 755.
  9. ScottishDeeDee

    Not sure what to feel

    Thanks Christa, I'll order it - my sons birthday this month coupled with starting laser has eaten into my funds considerably but I've found it and stuck it on my wishlist for the end of the month. Laser doesn't just hurt the pocket though! ouch! My sister said it looked like I had nappy rash on my face it was so red and that was after an hour of having a cooling gel on it, but apparently in order to be effective (eg permanent) I need the highest strength laser for my black hairs, the new posh laser for the red hairs and then electrolysis for the white hairs - so it will be a long long road... Under my jaw line was the most painful, but I'm guessing that it was due to the nerves near the ear. The test patches did not even come close to the pain of the whole face being done - I may look into numbing creams for next time... I had intended to go visiting but because I looked like I had a nasty skin condition I just went back to my sisters and sat and watched the six nations rugby with my nephew. I left just before halftime to drive home as Scotland were losing badly, which seemed to be a good luck sign as I missed an amazing comeback lol typical. I don't mind veg I'm just so used to having it with meat or carbs...am feeling motivated just now though so intend to crack on this week to start my weight loss by exercise and proper food management again.
  10. Christy

    Not sure what to feel

    Lol. Yeah but he wasn’t an old guy he was 30ish and fairly good looking. I’m not interested in guys but it was flattering 😊. Yes that article is really a small part of the book. The book goes into far more detail. So if it rang some bells then I recommend you read the book. It truly gave me a better understanding of how and why I felt the way I did and do. thats pretty cool that your sister has a mtf friend. Yes your face will change on hrt. I think there are 29 different muscles in the face and they like the rest of the body with shrink. Plus a bit of fat changes. I just have frozen veggies at night and add some spice. Broccoli or collieflower or a mix. Throw it in the microwave and done. This way I am not hungry and don’t snack on sweets or chips. I do yoga because it’s great for shaping the body but I walk a lot and through in some running as I go. I hate running because my boobs bounce so I need a compression shirt which I don’t always wear. I don’t really have to shave any more because the face is clear and only needs a touch up every couple of days (3-4) the body hair is gone except for fine hairs that don’t bother me. I do have to trim the genital area every so often just to keep it tidy. I have them laser around that area but since my levels are in the female range things grow differently. Like a regular girl. I just have them laser so there is no razor rash. I also changed my clothes to brighter colors and most of my boy clothes are androgynous that I wear around town. I do still have guy stuff for work though. Suits and jeans and shoes. Ugh.
  11. ScottishDeeDee

    Not sure what to feel

    Sounds like you are going to give some poor old boy a heart attack if you keep that up! lol I have just finished reading an online article by her called the gender variant phenomenon, and that rang quite a few bells - thank you. 💛 Sorry - crossed wires, my face has not changed at all, all I do is shave and sometimes put on a bit of makeup, but my sister has a friend who transtioned mtf and she commented that her face shape totally changed so folks not recognising you in the street is not a surprise. 🤭 Just being me going out is one of my more common daydreams - I don't tend to remember my night dreams very often, but I know I have them. I do not have major aspirations as Dee, I want to learn to surf, and maybe take up dancing again once I am a bit fitter (I used to sweat terribly when I started last time and take a towel with me), but I do not have dreams of being a catwalk model or female president of some small dictatorship, but just being able to do really boring mundane stuff without anyone pointing me out or talking about it like it is a big deal lol. The problem with salad is that it just is not as appetising in cold weather! I am getting there though - today I feel quite good about myself, I am sat thinking about exercise I enjoy and looking to see what I can do in my area - I've always liked swimming but our local small leisure pool tends to operate odd hours for public swimming. I spent over an hour in the shower yesterday shaving everything but my face and while I am wearing male clothes they are cream and pastel instead of my more usual dark blue or black tees. I am effectively in a good mood and hope that the rest of the day will be good too - even with the imminent pain... x
  12. Confused1

    24/7 but not how I might have liked.

    I am doing wonderfully with the freedom, but I still have trouble with hurting the ones I love. My wife started talking annulment of our marriage, saying that I entered into the marriage under fraudulent circumstances. I won;t fight her over any of this as long as she agrees to split equitably and not restrict contact with our daughter. As part of a conversation this evening with her, I told her that I had spoken to my mom about what's going on, she replied that she (my mom) might tell my sister before I had the chance to. I told her that's fine, I'm not embarrassed, she said it must feel freeing. I think she is finally getting it that the decision I made was not that I should be a woman, but rather that I decided to stop lying to myself and everyone else. On a side note, I have realized that my thoughts have been absolutely less destructive and negative since I have been able to be me. Again with all my love, Tilly
  13. Christy

    24/7 but not how I might have liked.

    How are you doing. Are you enjoying some freedom at least ?
  14. Have been so focusing on my expanding chest that I almost missed my expanding hips.  Here is a current photo.  Dawn :)

    hips.jpg

  15. JudyCDNJ

    Judy's Transformaton

    Here is the core of it, I am 60 yrs old looking to move to Oregon after my mother goes into a nursing home for she has Dementia or ALZ . I am her sole caregiver and she is 86 yrs old. So I would like to retire to the North or Lost Coast of California. So I am looking for apartment of my own or move in with somebody. So I would love to hear your ideas or suggestions. Following Discussion (stop following) | edit
  16. Christy

    Not sure what to feel

    Columbo that’s funny! I get those looks all the time. Peoples heads cock to one side not knowing what to think. I always say something to them if it’s possible or I just relish in the moment. One time there was a guy who was just staring at me in line trying to figure me out so I put my elbows on the counter and wiggled my butt just slightly. Fun stuff. The book is called “The gendered self” by Anne Vital. She is a psychologist who transitionined many years ago. It was published in 2010. Her website has a lot of information too. She chooses to describe it as GEDAD (gender expression deprivation anxiety disorder) because she feels it’s more accurate. What she says makes a lot of sense to me. 30 years of experience as a psychologist treating people and being mtf herself is a valuable thing. There are few people on the planet that have her perspective. Haha! I figured you would say no. I would have said the same thing when I was at your stage of Discovery. I only did it because hrt was changing my body and mind so I needed to be sure. You actually answered the question in 2 seconds but there may come a time down the road (probably after you start hrt) when your brain is getting the right stuff and you aren’t constantly thinking about transgender issues. Plus you have your kids and divorce to deal with so that’s going to create turbulence in the mind. As far as tg groups go you can go as the guy. You don’t have to dress as Dee. Just go and talk to others. If you want to dress cool if you are scared cool. Everyone will understand. I personally go as both it just depends on how I feel. No one is going to care. It’s very helpful to meet others who are going through the same thing. You don’t even need to tell people that you are doing the experiment. Just do it. It’s a healthy exercise but if you are on hrt at the time then tell your doctors. They need to know what is going on. i sit 95% of the time but yeah public restrooms are disgusting. The woman’s restrooms are so much nicer and roomier. But still disgusting ugh. So having the option is nice. 😉. Most women Hover anyway without touching anything. lol. My wife does. I don’t know how she does it but maybe someday I’ll know haha! How is your face changing if you are not on hrt? Laser I guess. You will be astounded once you get on hrt how much your skin changes and then the muscles in your face diminish a bit. Plus you get more fat in your face that smooths things out. People say I look at least 10 years younger or more. Not sure if that’s true but hell I’ll take the compliment 😊. I think my wife is jealous that I have a body that she wishes she could have (except for my belly fat) but she won’t say anything about it. I think we all attempt to distract ourselves with life but that only lasts so long. Then we have to admit it. I think it’s great to get out into the world as Dee because over time it will become normal. I often go to star bucks and read or post online as me a tomboy looking person. At first it was awkward but now it’s normal and I don’t dress for it I just go how ever I like. Usually Jeans and a t-top with sandals just like most girls. So get out there and explore! Also replace the chocolate with vegetables snacks. Lol. The black dress? Yep. I have some things that I just can’t pull off yet so I save them for later. That’s what every girl goes through. Lol. It’s great that you can get feedback from your sisters but remember that their view is tainted only because they have known you for ever.
  17. anunitu

    when it starts to make no sense

    beginning to wish i had not come here. i will not make that mistake again when looking for a place of safety
  18. ScottishDeeDee

    Not sure what to feel

    My sister has said that the face changing is quite noticable, or it was for her friend. So there was not really anything specific that people could look back to, just the kind of Columbo moment where they flash back to the clues lol... Thank you. I naturally sit down 80% of the time anyway, it is usually only when I am out that I try to avoid the stalls because they're usually gross - like is it really that hard to lift the seat or give it a wipe after you've sprayed all over it? yeuch. I will probably not link in to a lot of these tg groups I hear about, the ones close by would be too close for me to dress at hem safely and I think the one in the town where my sisters stay meet is mid-week so I will have the kids and not be able to travel down. I may start looking into it again soon to make sure, how does the whole group thing work? hahaha as for the experiment, yes - I pouted like a child reading it, and I will not do it this weekend - I cannot lose the cost of my appointment which I would for cancelling this close, but more than that I simply do not think that it is the right step for me at the moment. I am still trying to learn about myself and trying to do that without being ashamed of wanting to be Dee or physically excited by looking like her, taking the steps to see what it feels like being Dee out in public - just going to the shops or for that cup of coffee that I am determined to have, each attempt or failed attempt tells me something as I go over it in my head - just ignoring it was what I was doing until last October - I would just throw myself into something else to distract me. 2 years is the longest I have gone without clothes after purging, but the daydreams were still there. I also do not think cutting myself off from these sites would be good either - I am forming friendships and asking questions and finding out all sorts of things that are useful for someone questioning their existence, with the best will in the world I cannot stop my brain from thinking about it all or I would have already lol. So now I've put up all (some of) my excuses - it is interesting that NO! was my first reaction to your experiment x I may try to do it further down the line though - so do not be surprised if I say I'm going off for a while at some point. Thank you. I'll pm about the book, google is not being helpful just going by the title 💛
  19. Christy

    Not sure what to feel

    For me personally I don’t think anyone would have known before hrt. She said “I felt the same way “ until she came out. Then after a while people started to admit that they knew something was going on. I think it’s because I am changing so much. I have boobs and my butt is a girl butt. My face has changed. We were also talking about how people that I haven’t seen for a while don’t even recognize me. Even when I say hello! That’s kind of weird to me or was. Now I expect it. The other stuff aside from physical changes is small. Some people will say oh well I always wondered why you did this or that or liked this over that. But now it makes sense. I don’t know if you read the book I mentioned but it explains why some people need to transition early and some don’t know until they are older. I never really wanted my penis gone I just wished it was a V. I never looked at my body as disgusting and still don’t. To be honest my stuff has shrunk so much that I don’t have to tuck to feel feminine. It’s not really in the way and everything still works so...I like being able to pee standing up if I want. 😂. Especially if I have to use a public bathroom or I’m in a rush! The first time I used a gender neutral bathroom at a TG group meeting there were only stalls and I didn’t know if I should sit because I was presenting female. Now I just go and don’t think about it. Anyway back to you. I agree with almost everything that you said. My suicide was because I fought so hard against this and then add lots of alcohol on top of that. I was a mess and there was no forums for me to express myself. I was alone in my head. Like you though I have had a fantastic life. I did always want to be a girl though. I had all the day dreams and everything else. My sister is much younger than me so I never really had that outlet. If she was older things might have been different. That’s why that book makes so much sense to me. I didn’t have a way of expressing myself and Christa didn’t start to kick the doors down until I was 40+. She just woke up or got stronger. Plus for me I went in the macho direction to fool the world and it had its perks. So it was an extreme lack of expression. Here is an experiment that I did when I was confused by the question of “what is really me” guy with a fetish or transgender. Don’t allow Dee to exist for a month. No transgender stuff at all. No internet research or anything. No laser, just postpone the appointment. Just be the guy again and live that way completely. Then see what happens. Don’t purge anything just put them away in a bin out of reach. Stop yourself from expressing the girl. Dee is gone. That’s what I did almost a year ago. I stopped hrt after 3 months, before things become permanent(boobs). I needed to be sure. At first I was fine and actually liked not having to think about transgender issues and I was having fun being the macho guy again. It was freeing up my brain but then it started to come back and she was starting to scream 😱. I hiked for a week thinking it through and decided I wanted to go forward. I had to be honest about it. I would guess that after that you will have your answers. You are probably saying right now “oh crap I can’t be Dee this weekend!” That sucks. Lol. I’m right aren’t I. 😉. But try it, no release, no gender expression at all for Dee. Then look in the mirror and ask yourself what do I want. You might see a guy or a possibility of a girl. I used to look in the mirror and say ugh I will always look like a guy trying to be a girl. Who am I kidding. No one is ever going to see me as a female unless I have a ton of surgeries and I don’t want to be that crazy guy down the road. But that’s not the truth, that’s just fear and ignorance. Totally normal by the way. Now after a year on hrt I can see the girl and she looks good. I see a female and just get glimpses of the male. I will probably get FFS as my first surgery and maybe vocals but that’s only because I don’t like putting on a lot of makeup. It’s a hassle and $$$. Just the eyes and something lite. The voice is a work in progress, who knows if I will really get it. So just try that cost effective experiment and see how you feel. That should give you some answers. Oh and when I was drinking I never let anything out of the bag😉. I was very cautious. I also have had no issues with alcohol since I started transitioning. Zero. PM me if you want the book or just download it. 😘
  20. ScottishDeeDee

    Not sure what to feel

    Thanks Christa, I was hoping you would expand on the bit about people already knowing there is something with your gender that you and your friend were talking about. I appreciate you being so candid and sharing so much of your process with me. It is obviously one of the things I still struggle with a bit, my list helped me to see that I have done many thins to try and be girly as I went from a child into a teen and then adult, but other than occasional wishful thinking about wanting to be a girl I never wished my privates away or got suicidal - something that seems to be prevalent online when you hear about those who have transitioned. I've basically had a pretty good life and always took for granted that I was a boy - like literally until last year - I was just one with a secret fetish about dressing up and pretending to be a girl. Daydreaming about being female with my partner (or sometimes becoming or being made to be female in front of others) daydreaming about having a cleavage, and being included in some of the all girls things my sisters did instead of being left sitting with the guys. Always just daydreams or erotic fantasies, even in my buying and purging the excuse was that it was for my wife and then once I'd worn it a few times it got chucked before anyone found out. I have been skunk drunk and never blurted out anything about wanting to be a woman because I suppose I just wasn't - but while drunk I could enjoy myself more, and sing and dance and hug and be expressive and no one would bat an eyelid (and yes once or twice I was that hysterical crying drunk too that no one likes) but binge drinking is a part of the culture and settles down once kids come along, most of the time I would be playing mother hen to everyone else - holding their hair while they puked and cleaning them and the house up, or making sure they got home safe... Many people have commented about me being a great dad but I have always thought I was a fraud and a crap father - I never do any of the traditional dad stuff (stuff my dad and grandad did) - tinkering in the shed, learning to throw and catch, DIY - I struggle to hang pictures properly - we read and go swimming and I keep trying to get them into D&D, and we bake and sew costumes for their fancy dress days and play computer games and board games, I've taught them how to load and unload the dishwasher and make their packed lunches for school and do their laundry (not that they ever do it but they know what the machine does). All the things that I love about myself are what would stereotypically have been seen as womanly qualities, in today's world though it is just not being a dinosaur. It is my own feelings of inadequacy in my male role that makes me so strongly drawn to the woman in me. I love being called Dee online, I love the people hat I am getting to know and I have found it so helpful to blog my process and actually be able to pour my heart out and in all of that the people I come into contact with have just automatically counted me as female - responded to me as Dee, complimented me as Dee - and none of it feels wrong or weird or strange or false, sometimes I find myself wishing my sisters would call me Dee - but it cannot work while all the kids are still in the dark. When my online counsellor called me Dee it just felt right and natural, it inwardly made me smile a few times and in our last session I was dressed how I wanted complete with wig and had not given it a second thought - my counsellor never commented on it but I read people well enough to spot the pleasant surprise on her face when the call connected. Shouldn't it feel more like acting and pretending if I only saw Dee as a release - when often I feel man-me is the one wewaring the costume for work and socialising... Losing the erotic side did not get rid of the desire to dress, losing the body hair really made me feel good about my body for the first time in a long long time. Going out for a walk, while carrying some of that old "excitement at being spotted" as I was going from man-me to Dee in the car but when I was out I just enjoyed the walk - the first exercise I have done in almost 6 months. I am sitting at home depressed most days - getting away with it because everyone assumes it is because my marriage has ended - and some of it definitely is that, telling yourself you are better off without someone is much easier than believing it, but I have done it before - last time I took up ceroc which was like modern jive dancing, though I stopped going when I got back together with my wife, but some of it is also just trying to wrap my head around the fact that I enjoy being treated like a girl in my interactions - I am looking forward to this weekend because it will be another girly weekend - I wont have the kids, so may even take my Christmas PJ's down to wear while I chat with my sister at night and then I will have my first proper laser treatment to get rid of some of the weeds on Saturday - and in my head I am already wondering how long it will be before I ask her to call me Dee while I am there and if there is a way I can be Dee while I am out in town - I really need to start figuring out if Dee is just a part of man-me that needs some form of creative expression (I've always loved art and am-dram, probably why I like fancy dress so much) and because the rest of my life has so much control, or if man me was created to hide Dee who has just been asleep or hiding most of my life and is just jumping at the opportunity to get out! Once I know I can quieten the doubt, I can make plans and I can move forwards. It is odd that part of me can accept being trans while part of me is still looking for excuses and comparisons not to be - I think in my head if I could start hormones and feel the difference I would know instantly if it is better or worse for me, but that is a long way off. I never said but I have two butterfly tees - one is grey with a pastel pink single butterfly wing and the other is an asymmetrical tee - teal colour with small butterflies diagonally across it and the wings are outlined in small sequins - it looks great with dark jeans. (I love the asymmetrical clothes - I think they suit me and flatter my figure) I also have two little black dresses but I have not worn them as I feel fat and ugly at the moment - I have been putting on weight instead of taking it off - a situation i dislike but in spite of it all I still find myself reaching for the chocolate in the evenings. It's like I am deliberately sabotaging myself because I actually thought I was starting to look good. I found myself rewatching some of Kristins trans life early videos this afternoon instead of doing my work - how do I know which is genuinely me? 💖
  21. anunitu

    when it starts to make no sense

    i think i really pissed off stephani now my being such a shit stirrer
  22. Christy

    24/7 but not how I might have liked.

    Yes that’s hard but things will get better.
  23. anunitu

    when it starts to make no sense

    i fear that old dragon wanting to come back to power,there is no good end if that demon returns to claim my place in this world
  24. Christy

    Not sure what to feel

    Ok Dee I have some time to write 😊. A little bit more about me. Like I posted earlier no one had any idea. I am not sure what you want exactly so I will give a rundown on my stages. I first noticed that I was different from other boy when I was about 5-6. All the kids in my apartment complex would play imaginary games on rainy days in the stairwell of the building. I always wanted to be a mermaid or Wonder Woman. Never super man or Batman. I didn’t think it was weird and we all had fun. Then after a while some kids started teasing me about it so I switched to boy characters. That’s when I started learning how to hide my feelings. I was naturally good at sports so my parents made me play football 🏈. Even though I was good I hated it and would rather sit on the sidelines drinking Gatorade. I quickly quit after one season. Then they tried baseball and the same thing happened, I was an amazing pitcher and hitter but...nope. Then soccer, I stayed with soccer until college. I was really good at soccer and received scholarships. Soccer was considered more of a girly sport at the time and I played on some coeducational teams. I just loved playing with the girls so those times kept me in the sport. I also played tennis and there were girls on those teams too. 😊. Now I had no idea of what was really going on with me back then, I was just another kid playing sports. I was also diagnosed with attention deficit disorder which they called “hyperactivity” back then and they put me on Ridellan with tons of testing. At around the age of 7-8 I started wishing that my penis would change into a vagina and I would spend time in the bathroom trying to make it go away. I didn’t know why I felt that way and had no one I could talk to. I also stole my moms pantyhose from the laundry and started wearing them at night while we all watched TV. I just loved the way they felt. No one seemed to care and my mom thought it was cute. I can still remember her lovingly giggling. I then would watch her put on makeup and then ask if she would put some on me. It was no big deal. She enjoyed it and we had fun until my dad saw me after my mom finished one day. I had on something girly too. I looked really cute and my mom told me that. My father on the other hand was not having it so that was the end of my first explanation in public. I was forced underground out of fear. I was so pissed 😤 that I destroyed my brand new drum set (which I loved) , I didn’t mean to destroy it but I was banging so hard trying to let out my frustration that I blowout all the drums except for the kicker. At the time I had no idea what was going on in my mind. I pushed down all my feelings about wanting to be a girl and manned up just like my father wanted. I was his boy athlete and even though he didn’t like soccer he was proud of how good I was. I was his little super star 🌟 and had lots of trophies. I didn’t stop wanting to be a girl at all, I just pushed it back and manned up for the rest of the world to see. I accidentally started to perfect my male persona and was praised for this all the time. Then I would steal something girly from my mom or younger sister and dress at night. It made me feel warm and cousy. I spent the next ten years doing this without anyone knowing. I built up my body to match my male persona and thought that I only had a weird fetish. My dad did catch me once when I was 11-12 but I begged him to go away and he never said a word about it. I was terrified. After that I became very very good at hiding this “perverse” (that’s what I thought) side of me. Very good. Then one day my mom had on “The Phil Donahue show” and there was an 11 year old boy that looked like a girl. He was transitioning in public and his parents were supportive. He looked cute. Holy hell! This is possible! I was fixated on the tv. That’s me!!!! That’s how I feel!!! Oh no and extremely excited at the same time. I became bolder after that and started dressing up during the day when I could, wearing my moms and sisters clothes. If there was a chance that I could dress I blew off everything else. One day I was in full drag at the age of 16 ish and I had an overwhelming need to leave the house dressed. So I went to get the mail and then quickly went back in. Woo that was crazy I thought but I loved it. If there was a costume party I would be a female character but that was my only release around other people. At age twenty I moved to LA and started wearing more androgynous clothes and using eyeliner. I was terrified that people would see pass my male persona and when my roommates made one little comment that was it, I went full bore to the macho man world. I build up my body to perfection and received a lot of attention from the girls. I loved that. Modeling, acting were my calling and college was out. I still was hiding from myself but would secretly dress when I could or had to. Then I met some TG girls that were all over me and I really thought wow I want to be you! I was to terrified of what that would mean so I pushed it back down again even deeper. I became very homophobic and transphobic trying to shed my feelings. I would let no one get close enough to see the real me. It became too much for me so I started experimenting with drug and alcohol. This Relieved me from my true feelings but over time it took its toll. Still having a secret life in hiding I managed to get my life together and become a good guy. Got married and had kids but “Christa” was always there in my mind fighting for freedom. She actually saved me from harm many times because I had to be soooo carful about what I was doing. I couldn’t take a chance that people would find out. After serious break downs I finally gave in to her. To myself. Late in 2017 I decided to try something different because I was out of options and then proceeded to explore my gender. If I didn’t have kids I probably would have killed myself. Seems ridiculous now. Over the past year + I have remembered so many of the details that I had repressed. I had pushed them down so far that they weren’t even on my radar. Now I can see things more clearly but some memories still pop up. There is not one person in my life that had any idea of this. Now I am free of that to some extent and this is still an exploratory process for me. I take steps and evaluation follows. If I want to stop I do and have. I don’t truly know where I will end up but I do know that I don’t want to be seen as some guy in a dress. That’s just me. It’s not really about the clothes for me now, it’s about just being myself. No more hiding, but that takes time and I have to think of my family. So I’m forced to do a bit of a juggling act but I can be patient and slowly let Christa come into the world. She needs to learn a lot anyway and it’s hard to contain her at times. Hormones are a big help with my mental state and with physical changes, I definitely feel more like a female than male. Not all the time but in general. It’s very hard for me to explain the feeling, I think you just have to experience it. I have given up fighting everything and I’m just going to move forward with life and see how I feel about it. I make adjustments as I go and try to face my fears when ever possible. People around me notice that something is going on and some can probably guess at this point but nobody has said anything to me. Quite the opposite has happened. People are telling me how much I mean to them and that they love me. Crazy. Nobody did that before really. Today I am sitting on the Lanai in my leggings and t-top after I got home from work. Everyone is away so I can just relax and be myself. I have let go of my marriage and can see the horizon of a new life just waiting for me. I won’t throw the marriage away or anything but I’m not going to try and fix things anymore. I will just be the same good person I have always been and if she wants me then she will have to show me. I will give her some more time and love but I’m done bending over backwards to accommodate others at my expense. I can’t because it will kill me. So do people know? Maybe. Only time will tell. Can I be a great dad/mom? Yes, I am already doing that and hopefully people will accept me. Those who don’t well...I don’t need them in my life anyway. I hope this helps you and is what you were asking for. If not just ask again 😊. Funny thing now is if I’m in a room and someone says “Hey Christy” I will respond without thinking about it. Whether I’m in guy mode or girl mode. 😂
  25. Confused1

    24/7 but not how I might have liked.

    The hardest part was saying goodnight to my daughter over the phone...
  26. ScottishDeeDee

    24/7 but not how I might have liked.

    Sorry Tilly, separation from a partner is horrible, but it does not mean that you should stay somewhere that is unworkable- we all change and grow during our lives, you have a lot of exciting growing ahead of you too x
  27. anunitu

    when it starts to make no sense

    my care bear heart has turned to stone so i no longer care about anything but myself and my personal pleasure. caring hurts to much.
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