CarolineTyler

I can hardly believe that August has come around so soon and wow, things have so moved on. My personal relationship with my beautiful partner Ruth has recently reached the maturity of two years engaged and it feels so good to have that special person in my life. I got made redundant again in February as the company re-structured and no longer needed my position. As it happens I was about to quit anyway since I had made plans to move to the North of England and come April that has happened. I now live in Bradford within the beautiful county of West Yorkshire, England. I own my own house, no mortgage/rent to pay and without that financial load on me I am attempting to work for myself, another major change in my life. Happy Caroline

...since I made an entry or even visited this site. Things just got in the way. Updates After quitting my job in October 2011 I remained unemployed until October 2012. I have had by SRS at the end of November 2012 YAY!!!

First of all, sorry to anyone who has been following my blogs on here, but since September 2011 things have been in total upheaveal. Mid-November things came to a head at work, issues with my managers means I felt discriminated against, to the point that no matter what I did would never be enough. Anyway after talking it over with HR, and some fairly obvious threats of legal ramifications, they came up with a very nice severence settlement meaning I finished work immediatly, was paid in oui till mid January and then recieved a lump of cash not to take things any further. This meant I could afford a cheap car (+ VERY expensive insurance!) and had some money to renovate a couple of rooms in the house I'm living in. Christmas and New Year were seen with a couple of fun parties and in the new year I have been pushing forward with getting my divorce finalised. On the 23rd of January I had my appointment at the gender clinic with Dr Barrett, scheduled to last 1 1/4 hours it went for 45 minutes in the end and finished with me receiving my 2nd and final signoff for SRS surgery. He ended with saying the next time we will meet you will be post op and we will be talking about revising your hormone levels. Ohhhh..... and last week, I had a boob job!!, Jest got back for the 1 week post surgery review and its healing wonderfully - MAJOR SMILES!!!!!!!! Love and hugs Caroline

You never know when it's going to happen but when you realise you just can't live without a particular person in your life it's just so sweet... First of all, apologies in advance for the 'sloppiness' of this post but I just had to let it out somewhere! I met Ruth some 6 months ago now, I was at the time I was dating another woman called Michelle and we had both met Ruth at the same time through a local club. We all got on well and knowing that Ruth was totally lesbian I didn't think for one moment that she could be interested in me, a pre-op trans-woman. I could not have been further from the truth, she told me she 'fell' for me the very first time we met. For a while we tried being a 3-some but it wasn't working, Michelle despite being very open and playful really wasn't into women and as the hormones made more and more significant changes to me she became less attracted to me physically. It wasn't fair to try and hold on to her so we talked it over and decided that our friendship was more important to us and we have remained the best of friends. Ruth and I have gone from strength to strength and I now can’t imagine my life without her. We are engaged, looking for a house together and making plans for a long and happy future. The reason why I wanted to write this was to give hope to those on this journey of ours – there can be the happy ending we all dream of, don’t think you are giving up that to become the gender you need to be. Hugs Caroline x x x x (and Ruth!!)

Thank you both, it was so lovely of her to say. Now it's my turn to show my devotion to her as she underwnt spinal surgery last Thursday for a very badly herniated disc at L5/S1 (the most common area apparently). I'm her nurse for the coming weeks. Hugs Caroline

I like your take on this, too often I have let a random comment from someone I don't and never will know bring me down. Hugs Caroline xx

They were not the tears of pain, it was because of a simple statement my fiancé said last night in bed. We were talking about friends, their issues (marriage/money etc.) and got on to insecurities. Of course being a trans-woman I could write a book with the insecurities I have about 'passing', we all see the bits we don't like in the mirror. She simply turned to me and said, "Darling, I've NEVER slept with a man" and that brought tears to my eyes. Hugs Caroline xxx

"refused treatment on moral issues" - What sort of Endocrinologists do you have there, they should be making clinical judgments not moral ones. Best of luck Caroline xxxx

She actually had a big post operative bleed last night and was rushed to Accident & Emergency - I was so worried for her. The news this morning is that she is okay and no internal damage has occurred to her new 'parts', thank goodness.

Many of us on this journey have a future that's not clear, we know in our minds the destination we want but between here and there the path is twisted, indistinct with numerous blockages put there by both ourselves (doubt and fear being big ones) and by others, doctors, loved ones, work etc. Yesterday, my future came more into focus with my first sign-off for surgery from the gender clinic. The meeting with the doctor was scheduled for 45 minutes, it lasted just 20 minutes. At the end of it I was asked to make an appointment to see the other doctor who is looking after my case and also to see the resident surgical nurse for genital assessment for electrolysis. He also said he could not think of a good reason why I would not get the second approval. I nearly hugged him there and then, I was so full of joy. The next appointment is January 2012, which although is some 5 months away, is fine by me as I am still working through my divorce which should be complete by then. So reasonably I can expect to have my surgery somewhere between May at the earliest to August 2012, and that really brought it into sharp focus - just one more year at the most to put up with the annoyance of jeans that don't lay right, with worrying about women's changing rooms for the swimming pool (I long to get back to swimming) and to feeling incomplete in front of my lover. Last Monday (9th August), my lovely friend Karen had her SRS, I visited her on Thursday after work and was met with such a happy, calm and contented face. She wrote on her FaceBook page the day after the operation that she had no "what have I done?" thoughts at all when she looked down on the result for the first time, she just felt 'right' for the very first time in her life. Hugs Caroline x x x x

Beth, you look absolutely great there's no reason I can see to ever think you were never the woman you are now. Here's to an amazing future Hugs Caroline

What do you consider important in your life. To me it used to be to "fit in", to be "normal", to get married, have children, support and nurture them and along the way hopefully to find happiness. Only I wasn't "normal", I didn't "fit in", I used to wake up in the mornings, stare at a face I hated and try to convince myself that one day it will be fine if I could just carry on doing.....this.....this stuff to distract myself from the inner turmoil. Some two and a half years after making a big change in my life, leaving my family and over two years of real life experience things have changed a lot. No longer do I see the rest of my life stretching ahead of me in mental pain, I made that change and love it. I still look in the mirror each morning and despite the wonderful effects of hormones see the same face looking back at me. Lack of money means I have not yet completed electrolysis, so a close shave each morning tears at my skin to create a brief smoothness, by 6pm I know the hairs will be showing to anyone who looks close up (depressing). Most importantly I have the future that I want, that I need, within my grasp. Next month I hope to get the go-ahead for surgery from the doctors at the Charing Cross clinic, my divorce is proceeding and most amazingly I have another special person to care about, who has only ever known me, Caroline, who loves me, who sees me as female already and who wants to share the rest of their life with me. We are an unconventional couple its true, but it works and we are happy through and through. My priorities are now my life, the love of my partner in life, my children and that's it really. So have my priorities really changed that much? No, but with my personal changes they feel exciting again. Hugs Caroline

You know how sometimes its all becomes clear, your life as it was, where you are now and the future ahead, I think I had one of those moments on Tuesday just gone. I have been going through a a period of doubt about my job, I know my boss's boss doesn't like me one bit, it's so obvious in the why he talks to me on the conference calls to the US (where he is located). I'm totally sure he would like to see me gone and I've been playing justify my position for the past year and a bit, having any errors I make magnified, and successes downplayed and just generally its making me pretty miserable in a job I have always loved. Well I took a mental step back Tuesday night and realised that my current position in life is such that I don't need this pressure - economically I will not be any worse off if they manage fire me (no way I'm quitting and giving in) in fact I would actually be better off as I could then write off some pretty major debts. So that has really made me much happier at work - the release of pressure is amazing and I've actually managed to get more done ironically. On a negative - I got sir'ed in Byron Burgers at a team lunch today, but I think it was just a mistake rather than on purpose, the rest of my team is male and I had my back to the waiter in question, so I'll let it pass. Hugs Caroline xxxx

It will get better, bit by bit they will learn to use the correct gender pronoun. ...and yet, despite everything they WILL make mistakes, especially family as they have a long history to change in their heads. Hugs Caroline

Well the latest is that an incredibly attractive Lesbian chatted me up on Sunday evening and we had lunch together yesterday. Finished up with some very long naughty kisses outside my office before I had to get back to work - wow! Hugs C