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I don't even know what to say. I've never been to a therapist...but I thought therapists were supposed to help you figure out things. I would think that not knowing what to expect, or knowing what kind of goals you should set would give them a clue as to how to approach your issues, and then get you in a frame of mind so that you can declare those things. But... I dunno. I think I wouldn't be too happy about tone of today's session either. -Michael

After I came out to my brother, he said it suddenly became clear to him where my anger comes from. It's not that I walk around angry all the time...but when something triggers it, I guess it's either pretty bad, or at the very least, pretty obvious. And it seems only since I've gotten older, that I have a little more patience for some things. I've heard of others indicate that they were angry all the time prior to transition or publicly/generally coming out. So it's highly likely that it is indeed the conflict between physical sex and gender identity, or the lack of recognition and acceptance (by those you've come out to), or the inability to live as your true self, or any combination of these things, that pave the way for your anger. I agree with Emma.. you definitely need to continue seeing your therapist. And flipping the bird at the world helps. Just make sure you don't flip it at someone who's liable to be angrier than you...and decides to try and seperate you from your finger... -Michael

"And I should just say... my strange sense of humour got a chuckle out of the fact that a posting titled "Serenity Now!" received its first comment from someone named Serenity! " --Sara ... me too!

I hate boobs. Of any variety. Well, except the ones attached to the ladies... but I digress and this is not the place for that discussion! Welcome to TGG... -Michael

I'm sure this will not be something your wife will want to hear, but "transgender" is a term that has been used to just gather all of us into one big happy family. It includes crossdressers, transsexuals, gender-fluid, gender outlaws, androgynous, etc., etc., etc. It's my understanding the term was originally coined because it sounded better than "transsexual." But technically, anyone who has identified with the opposite sex, whether they've come out to anyone or not, whether they are able to transition or not, whether they are able to under-go gender-confirming surgery or not, is transsexual. And to the best of my knowledge, there is nothing that says if a person chooses not to transition, that that makes them not transsexual. I suppose however, that for the time it's fine to tell her you are "just transgender." But I can't help but think this is sorta like some guys who tell people they are lesbians, and then when they finally do tell someone they are really trans (FTM), it's like people totally Sybil-out on them. Just sorta seems like it's worse coming out "the second time around." -Michael

This reminds me of a poem-rant I wrote once when I was ticked with the world, angry enough at the time to chew 16-penny nails. All I could do was hammer on the keyboard. Anything else would have landed me in jail...

WTG Warren... I'm glad the therapy session went well. I'm glad that the receptionist realized you needed to see a different therapist than the one you were slated for. That could also have made all the difference in the world. It almost sounds like you were to see a [general] therapist (or some other), and they realized you would be better off seeing someone experienced with gender issues. -Michael

Warren's not been signed in since yesterday (17 Nov). I hope he went to his appointment. I hope he survived his appointment. Maybe all went well and he's out celebrating! -Mike

If you express to a therapist how long you have felt like you belong in the boys camp, and s/he tries to suggest, at your age (and before s/he even gets to know you a little), that it is just a phase, I would say that therapist is a left-over from the old school, and that you need to find another one. No doubt going to a therapist for the first time is scarey. Or at least enough to make one slightly nervous, but I think you are anticipating a nightmare where there is no reason to believe there will be one. You've named every reason in the world to keep that appointment. -Michael

I've had my fair share of nervous smiles, glares, stares, frowns, and gasps of exasperation or indignation. I've endured the indiscernible twitterings of which I am the topic, obvious by the unapproving sideways glances in my direction. I've watched some step back in horror as we meet in the doorway. It's clear in that fleeting moment that they believe one of us is entering or leaving the wrong place. I love those incidents... funnier than hell... I came out of a multi-stall bathroom once (I was the only one in there at the time), only to find a woman waiting outside. She briefly made eye contact then breezed past me and into the bathroom as I cleared the doorway. Interaction between this woman, her companion and the wait staff indicated she was a regular, so she knew the bathroom had several stalls, and the main door did not have a lock on it. So I wondered, why was she waiting for me to come out of the bathroom before she went in? Quite often, the bathroom is the last stop before I walk out my door in hopes that I will not have to pee again before returning home. I look for single-use restrooms. If there are none, I note the times when the bathrooms appear to be less likely crammed with women, and I will go to a stall that is as far back as possible. Or I will go to a bathroom that is somewhat out of the way - the ones that no one wants to walk so far to. When travelling alone... because my STP is "always ready," I usually just find an out of the way place to pull over, and water the grass.

Hello kerig... and welcome. Lot of info and topics scattered all throughout the many forums as Emma has mentioned - no one forum is really restricted to any particular group. But while you are cruising around TGG...be sure to check out the FTM Transsexual Disccusion board also. There are many great topics, lots of information, and of course... some things that do apply primarily to us guys. -Michael

"You know that look on someones face when you say you have bad news and that curling of the nose as they listen to something they need to do? That was his response. Kind of like "Ugh....this again....Dont like it."" --Warren That doesn't sound good. Even though you've mentioned the two of you have about your true identity before, maybe it's time to do it again. And maybe this time, you could ask your b/f to consider couples counselling. At this point, I don't see him taking this seriously. It almost sounds as if he thinks this will go away. After a while, his indifference and dismissal of your true self could cause you to begin to resent his attitude, and eventually resent him. -Michael

"I cant do physically being near someone for serious social interaction. I get nervous and anxious just thinking about it." -Warren Maybe it will be necessary to deal with this issue some, to pave the way for working on the gender identity issues....but work on it you should as Emma has indicated. I also do not envy what you're going through... but then, we really don't have to - we all are going through it to some degree. And some have already been through it. However, I do envy that you have the chance to take this thing by the horns at your age - most of us didn't have that opportunity when we were your age. -Mike

Hang in there, dude. Only 7 days to go...then you can dump all this square in the middle of your therapist's desk.

"Photo: Some years ago we visited Rodin's Museum in Paris. It was a cold day in January, and wow, The Thinker was right outside! Seems like an appropriate photo for today's post." -Emma I was thinking the same thing before I finished reading the first paragraph. -Michael

LOL... wow! You do not know how much I can relate to, and understand, the anger you describe, and that laces this blog entry (whether you intended for it to or not). But I also understand the other two emotions... tolerating things (just barely) as they are. And then the physical hurt, the pain that keeps me teetering on the edge of tears. But it seems that the anger is the worse. It's like I can do nothing about it but let it run it's course. On the days the anger has a death grip on my silicone huevos, I cannot read certain TGLB articles depending upon the topic, I cannot read certain posts here on the forums - sometimes none at all. All I can do is sign in and make sure no one has come here acting like an idiot, or trying to use our forums for their spam. To be "ma'am'ed" twists my insides into knots to the point that it sometimes makes me flinch. Someone (most often another man) innocently opening a door for me makes me wanna rip the door from it's hinges and beat the living crap out of him. Yeah...the anger... geez. The anger. <shaking head> I think only three things keep me from snapping: ................. My girlfriend. She somehow knows how to get my mind off things and calm me down. She is my one-woman support group. It seems she can make me smile on my worst days. ................. TG Guide. Knowing there are people here that can relate, and accept me for my true self. ................. And now I have another little furry child. Dogs (pets in general I guess) love you no matter what. To her, I'm just that human critter that loves her and that she can depend on. And if I tell her that I'm "Daddy," she doesn't question it, or look at me stupid, or try to tell me otherwise. -Michael

"Your manager screwed up initially but for some reason came around. Maybe someone (like your friend) talked to him. No matter, at least he's gone on record to support you." -Emma I try to think and believe positive...but I can't help but believe this joker did not have a change of heart in regard to Warren - he realized that his actions could get him in hot water if the issue found its way to his superiors or even further. Personally...I believe he came back to cover his butt. "My biggest problem isnt physical violence. It's not emotional outbursts. It's my past that I worry about. My self harm. I've done good so far, over a month harm-free. But this...This has pushed me over the limit. Tonight's going to be a long night." -Warren Keep hammering out the blogs, and posts in the forums. Wear the keyboard out...that's what they're for. -Michael

Sometimes, I feel it's more like a hole I'm in... not just a dip, as a dip in a road. But a deep a** hole. Deep. Really deep. And no one knows I'm there. They don't even know I'm missing. Because they don't know I exist....

My thoughts on this topic have not been popular with quite a few, and has even drawn a bit of restrained ire from those who claim to be crossdressers only. But I've been hanging around TGG for quite some time as anyone can tell by my profile. I spent time on another transgender website/chat/forum before I came to TGG. To date, those I've chatted with, and discussed various issues with, who said they were not transgender, but crossdresser only, and were very adamant about it, have one-by-one eventually "come out" as trans. While I do believe there are those who crossdress purely for fetishistic reasons, and perhaps the drag queens who dress strictly for entertainment, I believe all the rest are really transgender and they just haven't come to terms with it yet. Just my opinion. -Michael _______________________________________________ I have never considered myself a crossdresser, although the definition for cross dressing is the wearing of clothing intended for the opposite sex - the term does not automatically apply only to male-bodied individuals wearing women's clothing. I have always felt that I was wearing the clothing appropriate to my identity - so how can I be cross dressing.

I never thought of the clothing as an addiction....but I guess both of you are right. One thing leads to another, and you find yourself needing more and feeling like you can't get enough. But now...I've been doing it for so long, that I have come to a point where IF something comes up and it may mean that I will not be able to wear men's clothing, it causes great stress, and that in turn triggers anxiety attacks. I find myself coming up with any reason, excuse or lie (yes, straight up LIE) as to why I cannot participate in the event that would have demanded I dress contrary to my true identity. -Michael

I agree that the two of you need to sit down and really talk about your relationship and each one's identity. I don't know if "couples counselling" would help or not. Thing is... I get the impression your b/f is not gay, and probably not even " While we often hear of wives who remain with their MTF spouses even though those wives are not lesbian, or even bisexual for that matter, I think it might be a bit rare for straight males to remain with their FTM partners. Work on the relationship. Get help if possible. But you should also be prepared for the relationship to end if your b/f can't see himself in a relationship with man. -Michael

"At first it were overwhelming, and I started out small. Something trivial at first, something that wont make a huge impact on the way I dressed. Yet. Boxers." Actually.. underwear was the about the last article of men's clothing that I bought. I had been wearing boy's/men's desert boots starting in junior high... though I'm wondering if cost might have had anything to do with it as back then it was very common for boys items to be much less expensive than those for girls. After high school, I started buying men's jeans when I discovered that not only did they fit me better, they didn't have to be cut off and hemmed - ALL women's jeans and slacks are apparently made for 6' tall customers. Except for one pair which I wore only 3 or 4 times and then ended up giving to my Mother, I haven't worn a pair of women's jeans since. I ended up in a job where dress was jeans (or work slacks), steel-toed boots and uniform shirts, ballcaps and jackets or coats. This just made things even easier for me, giving me an excuse to buy socks and t-shirts out of the men's department. Eventually, I started buying men's shirts, jackets, sweats, sneakers - you name it. I was pretty well dressed head-to-toe in men's outer wear before I finally bought any underwear. LOL... no one can see your skivvies, yet I was more scared to be caught in a pair of jockey shorts than to be seen fully outfitted in men's wear. I wished I had bought them sooner though, as I discovered that they were cooler, a million times more absorbent, and not itchy. They don't creep up places you don't want them, and of course - no flowers and butterflies and bows and crap.

Ahhhhh, the old "he-can-do-no-wrong" employee. Yeah. I worked with someone like that one time when I was really young. A belligerent, condescending, know-it-all, grouch. Yep... been there, done that. Hang in there.

When I joined TGG, I chose "male" because I didn't really like the idea of being trans. In some ways, I felt that by calling myself trans, I was admitting that I wasn't really a guy. I didn't like the idea of calling myself trans because I had been "living as a man" online for several years before I ever joined any transgender website. While I've sorta backed off that mindset some, I still would prefer to call myself male. Another reason I've never cared for the word "transgender," is because it is not my gender that is wrong, but my physical sex. I understand however, why there was the preference to move away from the word "transsexual." As for "other," well, as moderator, I've come to immediately suspect a member who chooses "other," as that is the choice made most often by spammers. I see that in a profile that looks otherwise "normal," my spidey senses start tingling... ___________________________________________ I've enjoyed the images you've been including in your blog entries, and I especially appreciate the descriptions that you give us for those images. -Michael

Dunno why I found it surprising that chefs could get into it. But, chefs are human too. And...is this guy, Dave, not going to be called on the carpet for going psycho in front of customers?