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After I reached a certain age, it occurred to me that I favoured my dad some. But it was shortly after my dad died that my mother apparently began to realize that things like my hands and feet resemble my dad's, and some of my mannerisms and body language are like his. I really never noticed that my hands looked like his until I had made a vid to send to my brother. In the vid, only the item I was talking about and my hands were in the scene. When I reviewed the vid before sending it to him, I noticed for the first time that my hands, and the way I use them, do indeed look exactly like my dad's hands. You would think that something like that would not be a surprise since we all see ourselves in mirrors and reflective surfaces all the time - I can't figure what makes the difference, but try it. Needless to say, it made me very happy to know that I was more like my dad than like my mother or any other female in the family. Congrats on the "T" -Michael

Ya know... I can't help but wonder why they are calling your top surgery as a male, cosmetic. Do they turn down genetic males with gynocomastia, classifying it as cosmetic? Are genetic males being forced to live with female-like baggage on their chests? If not, then you might have an argument. But then... if you have to be female to get even a reduction, why didn't they approve it before? Or did they not approve it because they had perhaps already gotten wind of it being trans-related? That thought came to mind some time back when you said you had once again been turned down. -Mike

Ya know... sometimes, I can't help but wonder if the GIC intentionally drags out these initial appointment dates. For one thing, there is nothing that I'm aware of in the SOC that indicate a person must endure a one or two year RL test BEFORE they can even get on hormones - which from my understanding, that is what will happen once you do get in and get evaluated. It's almost as if the system there has formulated their own rules intended to make it as difficult as possible for the person, which seem to be about as inhumane and barbaric as the SOC were 50 or so years ago. The GIC can't be seeing THAT many trans people - after all, we are allegedly such a minority. And a minuscule one, at that. And I realize that the SOC are simply intended to be a guideline for care, but I fail to understand why they can't follow those guidelines a little more closely rather than making patients suffer. It's disheartening that you had to deal with the insensatively intrusive questionaire, but hopefully going with a private doctor will turn out to be the better of the two evils. And a quicker route to where you need to be. -Michael

I don't mean to exacerbate the seriousness of this issue, but I think perhaps you should not take it so lightly. You said, "... I'm open about my gender and was expecting death threats, not rape threats. Now that is indicative to me that I'm sexy and they know and want me but are scared of what people around them might say." Rape has nothing to do with whether or not a person is sexy - rape victims come in all ages, sizes, colours, rich, poor, pretty, not so pretty, skinny, fat, and any- and everything in between. Rape is about power. It is meant to show the victim who has the power, who is in charge. It is meant to dehumanize and degrade the victim. If a male officer had it in mind to rape you, and sees you as a woman, it is to show you that you are less than he is - not that you are sexy. If he sees you as gay, or as a "man who wants to be a woman," it would more than likely be to show you "what it's like to be a woman" in his sick, and male-entitled mind. I would be just as wary of those who spout "sexual threats" as those who might spout threats of other physical harm. -Michael

I've always liked Behind Blue Eyes. I don't have blue eyes either, but replace "blue" with "brown" and the song just seems like it was written just for me and my situation.

I would think that if your g/f felt the need to tell you that she would accept you, and remain with you, perhaps any time that you are ready to tell her would be okay. But that is just a supposition, and none of us really knows how any person will react when we come out to them. I told no one until I was 47. One of the people I told was my brother. Chances are, I could have told him MANY years before, as his response to me was, "you never felt like a sister to me." Turns out that while he had no name for it, or understanding of it when we were young, he was aware that I was different from "other girls." We were always very close, and after coming out to him, he said it always seemed that I was more like a brother would be. -Michael

Sorry to hear about your cat, Briannah. Ya know... sometimes I think losing a pet is worse than losing a family member or friend... unless that family member happens to be a child. 'Cause we all know (we pet lovers, that is)... our pets are sorta like our kids. Plus, it's tough when you lose something that is so completely non-judgemental, loves you with all your flaws and imperfections, greets you everyday like you've been gone for a week, and trusts you with their very lives. {{{{ Big hugs }}}} -Michael

Congrats, Brigsby. In your previous blog entry, you mentioned that you had wanted the inverted "T" method. I've been too lazy to google it and wondered, is there a benefit in getting the inverted "T," or does it have anything to do with cost (perhaps not as expensive), or what? I'm wondering if the inverted "T" method is why you don't have any drains - this is the first time I've heard of anyone having top surgery and not having to deal with drains. -Michael

Congrats on the top surgery - no doubt it is a great feeling. Sorry you still weren't able to share this with your family. Maybe one day..... If you need more help on uploading pix... let anyone of us know. The new process is a little tricky at first... I think because it's so simple. Once you do it, you'll ask yourself why you didn't figure it out before... -Mike

"I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry." --Emma Yes, even mods cry. I don't like to cry. Don't like to admit that I do. I've denied it when I've been caught. I fight it when the urge to do so hits me. Crying gives me a headache. Maybe 'cause I fight it. But sometimes... we have to have an outlet. And sometimes...the only outlet, is to cry. -Michael

I like posts that make me smile. -Michael

Big Happy Holiday Hug, Emma. -Michael I like that pic.

Nice drawings. And I think you may not be the only one here that draws as a distraction from dysphoria. It's very easy to get totally absorbed and lost in your work. I know - I do it... but it took someone else to point it out to me. -Michael

I wish I had some suggestion or solution. I have issue dealing with what I have... so I can pretty well imagine what you're feeling like. Just think... if humans were like every other mammal on the planet, the damn things wouldn't exist until pregnancy.

WTG.

"Now that I understand you are paying rent, then she is your LANDLADY, and she is being very unprofessional." -- Monica If this is actually an agreement - she asked for rent and named the amount, then the space in her house that is not considered common area is yours, and she cannot enter your space unannounced when you are not there unless there is an emergency. Otherwise, any entry must be scheduled and you must be notified in advance. This means that if you attempt to "put your foot down" concerning her treatment of you, she can't just kick you out - she has to evict you, and that requires a thirty day notice. Don't wanna cause any stress between you and your boyfriend since that is his mother, but these are things to consider if it is indeed a landlord/tenant situation, no matter how "laid back" or informal it is. In most places, as soon as money is handed over in exchange for living accomodations, it becomes a rental situation, and even if it's month-to-month, she can't just walk in tomorrow and tell you to pack your things and leave. Therefore, as Monica indicated, work hard at finding a job first... then look for a place of your own. It'll be tough...but just try to stay away from her. -Michael

It's her house. She can call the shots. And if she is not going to call you Ren or Warren, and interact with you as she would with any other male, you can put your foot thru the floor and it won't change anything. I agree that it sounds like she is intentionally referring to you as female in every way possible. I agree that in whatever way you plan on confronting her, you should be ready for the worst, which could possibly mean being kicked out. If you're not in a position to take that chance yet, I think I would do everything I could to avoid her whenever possible to limit your exposure to her disrespect. When you do have to be in her presense, and since you have legal documents to back you up, stop responding to her when she calls you by your former name. Pretend you don't even hear her. But again, you have to determine whether you are ready to be kicked out if she would go so far. Good luck with the interview. It would be nice if you could: 1) Get a job that you really would like to have, and 2) A job will help you get your own place. -Michael

I decided to give this show another chance as I mentioned in my previous comment. I watched the first two episodes using the links above. I figured this would give me incentive to tune in to the third episode - which I did. The show is pretty good at showing how different people deal with a transgender person. Of course in this show, the main character's biological father is a trans woman, and ironically, so is the biological father of his girlfriend. Though the girlfriend's parent is not quite full-time, both the daughter and the wife (they are still married and still together) are very supportive of her. On the other hand, while the main character, Ben, refers to his parent with female pronouns and calls her by her female name, he is upset that he is losing his "father," and has so far refused to call Carly, "mom." Ben's friends all think that Carly is cool - they like her, and they have even gone to bowl with her and Ben and out to eat. Ben's mother and Carly are divorced. Though the mother keeps up a relationship with Carly because of their children - especially Ben since he is still a minor - the mother seems to be very bitter about the whole thing. I've seen enough of the show now that there are some things I would like to see through: Carly wants gender confirming surgery. Ben and Carly discussed why Carly does not want to be called "Dad." Ben's sister is about to get married - will Carly be at the wedding? I have this feeling that if it were left up to Ben's mother, she would not. And, Ben's best friend's girlfriend's brother reminds Carly of Charlie before Charlie was Carly... ( Did ya get all that?) Might Lathan be trans in some form? NOTE: Becoming Us is to be run on ABCFamilies' sister cable networks - check the thread "Becoming Us" as soon as possible for details. NOTE: It now appears that there are full episodes on YouTube.

Here's the synopsis as seen on abcfamily.go.com: "Ben, an ordinary Midwestern teenager, going through a unique situation. After his parents’ recent divorce, Ben learned that his dad is transitioning into a woman, Carly. In the series’ opener, “#WelcomeToMyWorld,” Ben is struggling in school, and his parents, Suzy and Carly, are not happy about it. Ben’s girlfriend, Danielle, would like to introduce Carly to her father, who is also transgender, leading to an awkward shopping trip for the four of them. And Ben’s sister, Sutton, returns home to Evanston to plan her upcoming wedding." I tuned into the first episode. I didn't know it was going to be another reality show, so that might have hurt the show's chances with me right off the bat - I was expecting a documentary, and expecting it to be all (only) about the trans people involved. It seemed to me that the first episode had too much "other" stuff in it besides what was going on with the trans characters. I'd rather watch a documentary, or a regular [scripted] program. I might tune in again, and give it another chance now that I know what to expect. I found episode #1 on hulu... perhaps you can view it there... http://www.hulu.com/watch/799388 I also found it on sidereel.com... you must accept cookies, and it appears you have to register on the site... http://www.sidereel.com/becoming_us/season-1/episode-1 It appears that both episodes #1 and #2 can be found on streamtuner.me - this site also requires registration... http://streamtuner.me/watch-becoming-us-online-streaming/ I also found links to YouTube, but once on Youtube, you are redirected to hulu I do not know how long these episodes will be available on these sites - I did not go so far as to check that info -Michael

Glad ya got it in writing... I was pretty sure you didn't HAVE to be on HRT, let alone a year, before you could get top surgery. There are still too many in the medical world who, for whatever reasons, feel the need to put their own [biased] spin on when and how a person can transition. -Mike

Very nice find, Monica... thanks for sharing it with us. "Lesbians have NOT been erased; we have been mainstreamed! Isn't that what most of us wanted - to be treated the same as Straight folks, with the same rights and opportunities?"" This to me, says it all - being "mainstreamed" does not mean losing your identity. It means becoming a respected human being. It means you no longer have to fight for the right(s) that you shouldn't have been denied to begin with. Being respected, and having rights does not mean you no longer exist. If anything...it means your existence and all that comes with it, is finally validated. -Michael

I too cannot begrudge Caitlyn her financial ability to transition. It's only her politics that I have issue with. But now that she's out, hopefully she will use her celebrity status to be more involved, and maybe her politics will change. "That being said, some of the Vanity Fair shots were highly sexualized. Maybe I am sensitive to it because I am trans* or because Caitlyn (and I) am older. I just worry for other older trans* women, like myself, that the "bar" has been set high. I am a very self-critical person, but I worry that I and others will be measured by cisgender people who see this. We don't have infinite amounts of money or free time to look that good. (Lol! Don't we wish!) So it is somewhat a false reality. Though, it is no different then the reality that women face who see advertising "pump out" sexualized images on a daily basis." -- Lisa One of the first things I thought when I saw the first VF image was, I hope they didn't photo-shop her too much. It's bad enough that it has become "par for the course" when it comes to cisgender women. And no doubt many will judge other trans women by they way they see people like Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox and Janet Mock in the media - age notwithstanding. With the right tecniques and tools, anyone can be made to look glamourous. But as you said Lisa, not everyone has the money for that. -Michael

Your "activist" friend sounds much like Lisa Vogel and her attitude towards trans women.